Q4W: When/How to approach

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2024-09-13T16:34:40+00:00

Is the location/situation conducive to an approach? For example, I met this friend of a friend at a Comic-Con thing and we both chatted the day away. I've also met people at events I've attended alone or with friends. Someone approaching me in a social situation where people are interacting with each other is perfectly fine. There's the expectation of talking with people, and most people are open to having a friendly chat with a stranger about the event, which can lead to other conversation topics.

I've had guys approach me on the bus and subway, and it was annoying. I'm trying to get to work, I'm thinking about a million other things, the last thing I want is for someone to try and hit on me. You're short on time and people generally aren't in the headspace of "meeting new friends". Also, probably not a good idea to approach someone if they've got their headphones in, are reading a book, or are working on something on their computer. Avoid places where the other person might feel cornered - stairways, elevators, dead end aisle in the supermarket, etc.

A good non-threatening way of approaching is giving the other person a complement. Not in the "Hey, nice tits" sense but say something nice about something they've clearly put effort into - their hair, their makeup, their outfit. Maybe they're wearing a pair of cute earrings. tell them you think they look nice. If they respond and look like they're at ease, you can try and continue talking to them. If they say "Thanks!" and just start looking at their phone or acting busy with something else, then they probably don't want to have this interaction go any further.

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FirefighterAnxious93 · 2024-09-13T14:03:29+00:00

open to being approached: doesn’t have headphones in, receptive to any attempts at eye contact or a smile if you do make eye contact, for the most part not having a resting bitch face. i’m guilty of this one by nature but i do for sure put on a bitchier face in public if i’m in an area of town where men get too friendly

not open to being approached: waiting at a bus stop or on any public transit (cause we can’t walk away if we’re waiting for the train that takes us home that comes every hour or whatever the situation is), in an uber or while she’s waiting for an uber, working (she’s being paid to be nice to you if you’re a customer, she probably doesn’t wanna flirt)

approaching at social events like parties or at the bar or a club is appropriate as long as you don’t go about it like a horn dog. approaching at the gym is okay IF you’re not staring at her ass the entire time, interrupting her workout, asking at the beginning of both of your workouts (since you might feel more pressured to say yes if you’re gonna be in the same room for an hour) ideally you see her, smile, maybe refill your water bottle at the same time as her, compliment her shoes or something and introduce yourself. say “see you around” and get back to your workout. eventually as you keep seeing her at the gym talk to her more and more and ask her out. you can ask if she wants to get food after you two workout some time.

-if i’m prolonging eye contact with a guy in public and not looking like i’m creeped out, i’m usually saying i’m open to being approached. but that isn’t the case with all women and probably not the even most. in social settings like parties or at a bar it usually works and a guy will approach, but in places like grocery stores or mcdonald’s it doesn’t, cause a lot of men are normal people. a lot aren’t but we hear those horror stories and remember them out of fear, we don’t remember the hundreds of other guys who don’t stare or follow or accost us when we tell them no. if i see a cute guy and we make eye contact in public the guy just becomes someone my sister, mom, or friends will refer to as my “dunkin’ donuts/trader joe’s/mcdonalds husband” for years to come.

Sharp_Engineering379 · 2024-09-13T14:09:14+00:00

Even if I'm not interested, and I'm never interested in strangers, social venues are fine, that's what social venues are for.

But if he wants to have some success, he should be with a group of friends instead of a loner seeking a person or group to attach himself to without a welcome.

It's nothing for a man with friends to initiate relevant small talk, because if she isn't available or isn't attracted, she knows she can safely reject an advance and he will simply return to his group of friends.

Social proof is a real phenomenon which matters to most women. Accountability for behavior is important.

As a guy,

Your physical safety is rarely threatened by a woman who approaches. As a woman, any rando can escalate a rejection into a confrontation or violence without warning.

AngeCruelle · 2024-09-13T13:49:14+00:00

My LTR started from small talk at a bookstore. He didn't even intend to pursue anything romantic. He wanted to take a risk and talk to a cute girl he hadn't met before. We talked about books, our favorite authors, and random things for a while. It was fun. I was the one who suggested that we keep in touch. If he had said anything about my looks or started flirting outright I probably would've shut him down.

EulenWatcher · 2024-09-13T14:01:43+00:00

I think your best bet is places where people go to spend some good time: bars, clubs, any public events, maybe some hobby or interests gatherings, festivals etc. If you go to university or take any courses, you can fairly easily chat up people there as well.

Mike you that not every interaction can or has to be flirty, especially in the context of situations where you meet the same people all the time like in college.

anna_alabama · 2024-09-13T17:31:36+00:00

When I was single I wouldn’t have minded being approached in a situation that I could actively escape - so in a store would be fine but on a plane would be a no go. Nothing would have come from it, but I wouldn’t have minded the confidence boost

MistyMaisel · 2024-09-13T15:39:17+00:00

I'm a huge proponent of the warm to lukewarm approach, so caveat, I'm almost never talking about cold approach.

So, I would say for lukewarm, I think parties or social gatherings or regular events (I think of like trivia or talent shows or game nights) that are intergender where you see a girl are totally fine. In terms of tips or pointers, do not try to seclude her, catch her alone, make her feel cornered, and make sure she has an easy escape or offer her the opportunity for an easy escape in a casual way. I wasn't a big party social gathering girly, but the few times I did go, I was very thankful for anyone that approached to talk with me simply because I often felt out of place especially if the dude in question didn't make it some sexy flirty he's trying to get my number fest, but instead legitimately just talked with me about like common generic interests (movies, music, the people at the party, classes we all had to take at some point, tests, etc.). I really appreciated those dudes because I was already like mentally fighting to stay above water in that environment and it felt like the conversation was a life preserver being hurled to me to get to feel safe and normal for however long the conversation lasted.

I would caveat agree to train rides or waiting areas (before class, in the library, at the food court) provided this isn't the first time you've seen them there and there's more of a sense of you guys are on a similar schedule and kind of see each other there most days. Pretty much all the same tips apply as above.

After that, we're in the territory of warm approaches and that's all like obvious you guys already know each other or share a community and have a reason to be chatting about shared activities that you both regularly do. A big move I'd highly recommend here for dudes who are known entities with a good reputation is offering to walk girls to their car/ home as a way to get more time for conversation and some minor intimacy of being quasi alone together.

A generic pro tip for all of these situations, and don't crucify me, but if you can learn to read the room in a lot of these situations, you're going to recognize women in discomfort due to being cornered by other dudes. Love it or hate it, if you swoop in at that point and offer a suave rescue by interrupting and getting her away from that dude, you will be talking to someone who really is wishing that another human would just come talk to her. And you'll be far ahead on points in terms of getting attraction and interest.

The dudes who have rescued me socially in both warm and lukewarm situations were and are heroes and icons to me. It was always always always appreciated, especially if they articulated that they could see I was uncomfortable or cornered.

januaryphilosopher · 2024-09-13T14:25:58+00:00

Personally if I've wanted someone to talk to me I've just gone and done it. If I didn't talk to them then I didn't want a conversation.

Sillysheila · 2024-09-13T20:46:04+00:00

I’m not sure there are a ton of direct rules. Unfortunately, that’s the aim of the game I suppose

I guess one thing I would say is it’s best to approach if you’re going to do it in a public area. You don’t want to strand the woman you’re talking to alone in some alleyway or alone on an empty street. That gives off the wrong impression. You don’t want to do this under any circumstances.

I’m taken but whenever people have tried to approach me in the past, I often felt a lot safer when I was in an open space around people. I’ve had some nice experiences with guys where they approached me near a supermarket, in a night market while travelling, that felt complimentary at the very least and non threatening because they were considerate to do it in a crowded place where I had an out and lots of people were around. I had one more unpleasant experience where a man (who also looked like 20-30 years older than me) kind of cornered me at a bus stop where very little people were and kept asking me out. Nothing happened but it did make me feel uncomfortable.

I also agree with the comments that say do it in social spaces where people expect to be approached for conversation. They’ll be expecting it more so will be more open. Bars, clubs, parties, arcades, bowling alleys, concerts, in a social group maybe (if you have a cute woman acquaintance) other social spaces. I don’t think that you have to limit yourself to these, but people will be more open for a chat at least.

You also have to keep in mind that you need to be prepared for a high volume of rejections. Completely cold approaching will get you a lot more rejections than semi warm or warm. Most women will say no thanks. If you’re ok with this outcome, go right ahead. If that makes you hesitant, you might have to prepare some strategies to keep yourself hyped up, or perhaps employ a joint strategy of both cold and warm approaching. Try anything that might work. There’s no reason you can’t do both at the same time.

Flashy-Huckleberry-0 · 2024-09-13T20:56:05+00:00

My SO cold/“lukewarm” approached me. And there are some good takeaways on how to do this well, I think.

We both run. He had just moved to the town I lived in. I started seeing him out every morning running on the same trail I run, usually going the other direction. It’s not uncommon for runners especially in rural areas to acknowledge each other’s presence (this is totally non-gendered) by nodding at each in passing. It happens in cities too, but it usually takes a few regular encounters of apparent ignoring to get to even that point. After a few days of nodding in passing, we started smiling and waving at each other, then saying “Good morning!” Again, this is a very casual, normal, non-flirty thing. One morning, he waved me down and asked if he could talk to me a moment. I stopped and he explained he was new in town and asked for trail recommendations. We identified a trail neither of us had explored and decided to go check it out together. We exchanged phone numbers. We enjoyed our conversation during our first run together so much that we decided to continue it over breakfast and coffee.

It’s been over 3 years, and even though we train a little differently, running (or at least hiking) together a few days out of the week is still a cornerstone of our relationship.

Key takeaways (I have talked to him to see what was happening on his end. He was interested from day 1):

-We met by separately engaging in a common interest.

-He followed social norms with respect to how to build familiarity with other runners, regardless of gender.

-He strategically built enough rapport with patience and utilizing knowledge of contextual social norms, I felt safe to have a conversation. He asked if he could have a word and saved it for a day it was clear I wasn’t doing speed work/didn’t have an agenda that would make stopping annoying. He didn’t approach from behind, which in this context would’ve felt weird, he gauged my responses both verbally and via both language/actions to his greetings and followed up accordingly. He made himself distinctly non-threatening and casual.

It would not have been okay if he stopped me the first time he saw me, because we were a little ways from other people.

He has since said he waited to stop me until I greeted him first a few times. A distinct sign I would at least be open to a chat.

-His initial conversation was not even about going out. It was about the common interest.

-The conversation led to an opportunity to make plans together, because I was open to that. If I hadn’t been, I he would not have pushed it. So again, he responded to my being receptive to his advances, but he had an excuse to talk to me that also gave him a graceful exit if I weren’t receptive. Basically, he gave himself the opportunity to gauge my interest without putting pressure on me.

-Even though it was clear there was mutual interest, and technically was a date, our first run together felt very casual and low pressure. It was a kind of “date” that could’ve been shared by friends. It had an agreed upon length such that we could part ways at the end without it being awkward. It was very clear that I had the space to figure out if I liked him and how without expectations (though he hoped). There was a lot of space for me to decide if this was something I wanted to pursue and for him to change him mind. I still think fun, casual, low-pressure first dates around a common interest or potential common interest are the way to go, whether that’s an arcade or rock climbing.

-Most women will probably prefer a public venue. Living in a small recreation town, different gendered adventure buddies are the norm, so given the casual groundwork and the cultural norm, I was fine on a trail. This won’t be true for other women unless you’re in a recreation-driven mountain town.

SaBahRub · 2024-09-14T08:35:55+00:00

I never accept cold approaches, only warm

And my way of accepting a warm approach is to accept

Windmill_flowers · 2024-09-13T13:40:18+00:00

What are some pointers that show that women are open to being approached?

Just be yourself

What are some contexts in which it would be appreciated?

If you're at a singles event, and she has a name tag on, and she isn't already talking with someone, that's a good opportunity to approach.

What are some non-threatening ways that men go about this?

When striking up a conversation, you absolutely must not say anything about her physical appearance. Also don't sneak up from behind her, let her visually see you approaching. Don't stare at her ass or her tits. Don't shout or Mumble. Don't corner her or block her exit.

When was the last time you wished a guy would just talk to you?

July

SandBrilliant2675 · 2024-09-13T16:32:17+00:00

When approach is basically down to context/environment:

Green zones - Social Environments

Social setting such as social groups and hobby groups.
shoot your shot at bars and clubs (with mixed results).

Red Zones -

In an isolating environment (ie. on the street, especially at night, but really always).
when someone is somewhere they are required to be get on with their day or life (during working hours, on public transport or at transportation centers, during errands such as grocery shopping).
during when someone is clearly trying to spend time alone (sitting alone with a book and/or headphones in a public space, working on a computer in a public space, really anytime someone has headphones on they do not want to be bothered).

I like other's advise - approach with a friend and do not isolate the person in a group scenario.

Title	Q4W: When/How to approach
Author	Involved_Currently
Upvotes	12
Comments	220
Date	September 13, 2024 1:10 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1ffucuh/q4w_whenhow_to_approach/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4w-whenhow-to-approach.1530172 https://theredarchive.com/post/1530172

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