Thoughts on Proposing Exclusity

NalkaNalka · 2018-12-30T14:15:21+00:00

In my experience when both parties want a serious relationship things just go in that direction naturally, no official conversation needed.

The talk generally comes about when one partner wants a more serious relationship and the other doesn't.

shanghaiwill · 2018-12-30T15:37:15+00:00

I assume we're exclusive and if she didn't then it's going nowhere. Starting a relationship by asking her to stop fucking other guys is probably a sign that she's not worth it, for me at least.

i_have_a_semicolon · 2018-12-30T16:18:10+00:00

I have ancedotes from several years ago. As a young woman, 20 or younger, I had several insecurities that lead to me under valuing myself to an extent. I was in a FWB relationship with a man who was a pretty good guy. We would have fun and sex. But for me, fun and sex was just not enough. Instead of approaching the man with what are we talks, my insecurities got the better of me and I assumed he saw me as a fuck buddy only. I ended up going out with another guy who showed his interest in me as a person, not as a sexual being. We ended up becoming exclusive - I don't remember how, but I believe it was at his suggestion like always in my past - and my old FWB became a thing of the past. It wasn't until many months later I learned from the FWB he has caught feels for me but didn't want to discuss it. He was nervous to bring them up because he liked what we had, and was apprehensive about ruining it. But he did not realize what was going on in my head at all. He regretted not discussing it with me, because in the end he lost the opportunity to convert me into a relationship prospect even though we were good together.

All in all it works for me because that man who was exclusive with me broke up with me a few years later and I went on to he with my fiance . I believe he clarified the relationship early on , like one week in and we were exclusive. I of course cut ties with my ex as when my ex broke up with me he wanted to keep me as a plate essentially. I wouldn't stand for being a plate to anyone for long. It seems undignified.

Anyway, long story short. Young women tend to be insecure and also not educated on communicating expectations and desires. When I was young and prime for dating, I had a reactive mindset and let men take the lead. If they didn't hint at relationship or feels, I would assume it meant they had none and move on. This ends up being unfortunate for men who are apprehensive about expressing what they want. They will inevitably miss out on a woman they like if they don't make their intentions known soon enough. That could be 2 weeks or a month, but eventually she will take the hint that you're not interested in more and if that's what she wants she might move onto other pastures silently rather than face potential (or from her perspective, inevitable) rejection.

Gravel_Roads · 2018-12-30T14:27:14+00:00

I drop that bomb first thing. Not wanting to be exclusive is an understandable deal-breaker, so I prefer to get it out there and give the other person the chance to opt out and not waste either of our time asap. It's definitely helped me prioritize partners I'm most compatible with.

reluctantly_red · 2018-12-30T15:03:09+00:00

in practice I’ve found it to be incredibly rare that a woman will go to such lengths and make herself that vulnerable to suggest exclusivity without me at least hinting at it.

Its been my experience that women do this all the time. The only suggestion they need is a guys obvious interest.

TheMarbleSlab · 2018-12-30T16:18:03+00:00

You don’t say “what are we”. After a couple months of dating go by, you go to the guy and say “are we going to be exclusive now?” If he hasn’t already brought up the topic (red flag if he hasn’t). If he dodges the question or doesn’t give a simple, easy to understand, firm “yes”, you say “thank you for the fun we had together.

Unfortunately I don’t have the time to have any non-exclusive relationships.” And you leave.

Texastentialism · 2018-12-30T18:33:19+00:00

My husband did it by introducing me to his friends as "his girlfriend". I was a little taken aback by it because honestly up to that point I wasn't really sure where we stood and if he even wanted a relationship (we had been sleeping together for about a month). When we were driving home that night I was like, "Soooo I'm your girlfriend?" and he was like, "Aren't you?" He just treated it as a matter of course, he never asked or initiated a "talk" or anything. It made me feel good, like he was proud to claim me.

HammockSwingin · 2018-12-30T14:14:57+00:00

Like most things it varies due to the people involved.

With that said, I say that most relationships the man isn't the one to bring it up because women tend to move faster than men. Women are the ones who want a baby/marriage earlier than men do. Men have more time to settle on these things than women.

When a woman decides to bring it up I'd recommend reading the situation first. For me I was sitting in his truck and said "oh, hey can we change our facebook status?" and looked over at him to see whats up. He said not yet, and it was dropped. Easy peasy. A month later I asked again and he said yes for sure. I didn't nag, I didn't make it some terrifying sit down "wHeRe ArE wE" talk.

CatchPhraze · 2018-12-30T14:11:42+00:00

Depends who you are and who they are. Some people enjoy taking their time and only giving their freedom away to someone they care deeply about. Some people find comfort in being special to someone and being exclusive from a much earlier stage.

There is no one size fits all answer for most things in life, this is one of those times.

kandyapplez · 2018-12-30T19:54:23+00:00

ewww i would never propose exclusivity to a guy lol. its on him to lock this down, i'm the prize

__uwotm8__ · 2018-12-30T16:59:35+00:00

I’ve discussed this with some female friends, the general response I got was that when actually dating (i.e not just casually hooking up etc), they’ll simply assume exclusivity once you fuck them.

passepar2t · 2018-12-30T14:08:26+00:00

If you propose it first, you're at a disadvantage. It's that simple.

Whodunnit88 · 2018-12-30T14:09:36+00:00

Isn't exclusivity implied by dating?

Willow-girl · 2018-12-30T23:55:30+00:00

If you want exclusivity, initiate "the talk."

If you're uncertain or indifferent, don't.

rainisthelife · 2018-12-31T06:17:24+00:00

I’ve legit never initiated the exclusivity talk. I don’t know, I just always expect the guy to do it, I guess. And I think it’s better when he does. And if he doesn’t or I think he’s taking too long, I just assume he isn’t interested in a relationship with me and just start pulling away and dating other guys.

If I have to be the one to initiate that talk, then I’m never going to feel secure in that relationship. I’ll always feel as if I sorta forced him into it and he didn’t really want it and just got into it to make me happy. I want a guy that wants to be with me. And I think this sentiment is shared by a lot of women, which is why you’ve found it rare for a women to initiate it with you. RP is nothing but a fantasy being sold to gullible men that end up sitting there waiting for the super into him, supplicating Stacey that’s never coming.

blackedoutfast · 2018-12-30T21:11:42+00:00

what usually happens is that the woman will start hooking up with a guy and really like him and lose interest in other guys who she may be hooking up with. and she will assume that the guy is just as interested in her and not hooking up with anyone else either. but then she will talk to one of her girl friends or some beta orbiter, and they'll say "oooh you need to make sure he isn't fucking other girls"

so then the next time she goes to hookup with the guy, she will say something like "so what exactly are we?" and the guy (if he knows what he is doing) will say something like "yeah you're fun and i like doing things with you" and the girl will keep pushing for an answer and eventually he will tell her that he isn't looking for something very serious right now and just wants to keep it fun and casual. and she will ask if that means he is seeing other people. and he will eventually admit that there are some other girls, because that's what "casual" means.

and the girl has her answer, but it's not the answer she wanted, but she still likes fucking this guy, so she will rationalize it as a good thing. and she will tell herself that she is a modern woman who is cool and mature enough to have casual sexual relationships. so she will start looking for some other dude to casually fuck, but it usually won't be very fun or fulfilling because she really just wants to be with that first dude.

and this will go on for a while until eventually she gets so stressed and annoyed by the fact that he is fucking other girls that the plate crashes (or she finds a better guy) or the dude decides to upgrade her to an exclusive relationship.

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Workaholico · 2018-12-30T15:33:54+00:00

TRP strongly advocates that men should never bring up being exclusivity with a woman as it throws off the power dynamic/natural order of things and she’ll be naturally happier chasing after you since she’ll see you as “the prize”.

I just do say up front I have no intention of dating. I do not know where so many people get that you need to hide it in TRP. I've seem others in TRP to advocate to say upfront they do not want a relationship for the same reasons as you put here.

If you want exclusivity, sure you need to hint at it, but why would you want exclusivity? Are you there for a relationship or sex?

Is it best to gradually become exclusive over time or is it better to simply throw all your cards on the table after a few dates and push for an exclusive relationship/LTR?

Depends on what you want. You seen to want a exclusive serious relationship up front. Which is ill advised in TRP. But you can, sure.

JustForPPD · 2018-12-30T16:19:31+00:00

I have never had this kind of talk. I have never had to talk about "exclusivity" or "we're a couple now?". It has always gone that way naturally and there was no need to talk about it. It's always been very clear what it is. When I have slept with women from work on business trips (yes, I know), we both knew there was nothing else, because there was no context before this happened. In all these years, I have never had confusion regarding this. Never a "I thought we were X" or similar. It was always clear for both. There's one, a very specific exception, that happened with someone who was living abroad, but that was a really big exception to the rule.

Some years ago, when I started to read about the "exclusivity talk" I thought people were joking. If I started dating someone and I knew they were dating other people, I'd drop them in a heartbeat. The way I see it, dating is also quite unambigious on that context.

GradualDecomp · 2018-12-30T17:31:35+00:00

In my experience it just seems to happen organically. First you're dating, then dating and sleeping together, then dating sleeping together and going out as a couple, then intriducing eachother to friends and incorporating into each other's lives, and eventually reach a point where you're just together. There has been at least ome time when I've brought up the "what are we" talk, but it's mostly been the men I've dated who have askes first.

MGTOWtoday · 2018-12-30T18:10:56+00:00

When I was a teen, which was only 20 years ago or so, it was assumed that if you're single, you're not having sex of any kind. If you were dating someone, then you were exclusive to that person. It's not normal for people to be having sex with multiple people. It has never been normal, and it's only normal today because of feminism and hook up culture. If you don't think that won't cause problems, then all you have to do is look at the MeToo movement.

Dating someone means exclusivity. That's what it means, that's what it's always has meant.

NoGodsNoLabels · 2018-12-30T18:33:55+00:00

I didn't exactly ask my last and current gf if we were exclusive. After going out a few times and having sex, I just said "I'm not seeing anyone else btw" and she reciprocated.

So, as we started going everywhere together and seeing each other all the time, I started joking about her being my fake girlfriend. Naturally she became my real girlfriend over the next few weeks.

ThisIsJustATr1bute · 2018-12-31T03:04:01+00:00

I assume we aren’t exclusive until he specifically asks. I advocate both genders continuing to go on other (platonic) dates, even if you only like one person, until you become exclusive. Protects yourself. Some people prefer to be exclusive right away, but I could never give someone I don’t know that kind of commitment. And I wouldn’t want someone to blindly trust me that fast, either.

larrythetomato · 2018-12-31T12:33:51+00:00

TRP strongly advocates that men should never bring up being exclusivity with a woman as it throws off the power dynamic/natural order of things and she’ll be naturally happier chasing after you since she’ll see you as “the prize”.

The reason why this is the case is because it is not your role as a man to secure commitment, that is her role. Your role is to get her to sleep with you, her role is to get you to stay after.

Is it best to gradually become exclusive over time or is it better to simply throw all your cards on the table after a few dates and push for an exclusive relationship/LTR?

I am not sure of this every working. It sounds desperate, men run when they find desperate girls, and women barf at the smell of desperate men.

songofmelancholy · 2018-12-31T18:20:09+00:00

Idk if we had a "exclusivity talk", so much as I learned he stopped seeing other people. Since I wasn't seeing anyone else, that was it kind of.

TriadFamilyTimes · 2019-01-01T01:23:54+00:00

Depends on the people and the relationship.

MidnightMaple91 · 2019-01-01T22:46:34+00:00

I disagree with people saying that the talk is never needed in a good relationship, that it should just be understood. I have been on both sides of this. My first serious boyfriend was sleeping with other women for weeks after I ad assumed we were exclusive, and was surprised to find that was my impression. I have also continued dating around when one of the guys I was seeing supposed we were a couple without ever asking. If you want it, ask for it. Then everyone is on the same page.

NullOverLoad · 2018-12-30T23:50:16+00:00

If the woman wants to be exclusive she can propose that.

But until the talk happens its just casual sex/dating. If she thinks there is anything else or wants anything else, she needs to start the exclusivity chat.

And then, it depends on the woman and what she brings to the table.

_Neon_Shadow_ · 2018-12-30T23:15:24+00:00

In the past, I thought honesty was the best policy. For instance, an underclassman from high school hit me up this year. We chatted, caught up, etc...she made it very clear she wanted a relationship. I told her no, I just want to fuck. She did not like that. She tells me she is done with fwb's and just wants to date. She tells me this after admitting what a freak she was in the past, sucking dick in movie theaters, and other crazy stuff.

Basically, she saw me as beta bux. That's fine. But like I explained to her, unless I'm fucking, I don't want anything to do with you. So either let me fuck your throat or leave. She chose to leave. Understandable.

But this and a few other incidents made me realize that honesty is not the best policy. Especially if your goal is to get laid. So now, if a girl asks, I give half answers. Maybe. Possibly. I like you but we should get to know each other more. Basically, I just dangle committment on a carrot, even though I have no intention of giving it. Is that dishonest or wrong? No.

hurupu · 2018-12-30T17:54:14+00:00

I've seen a lot more women know that their man sees other women and try to out-compete them, than I've seen men in similar arrangements.

wobbleelbbow · 2018-12-30T18:02:28+00:00

Are you a woman OP? If yes then sure you make sense. If you are male then you gonna get burntby proposing or even hinting at exclusivity. It is needy and while some women like it, most do not, innately. Take the red pill. It was never tbeory, it is practice put in theory that's what it is. RP is not axiomatic, it observes and then decides.

Title	Thoughts on Proposing Exclusity
Author	tequiladick
Upvotes	25
Comments	127
Date	December 30, 2018 1:59 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/aaw2pa/thoughts_on_proposing_exclusity/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/thoughts-on-proposing-exclusity.258281 https://theredarchive.com/post/258281

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