Why What He Spends Matters

There has been lots of discussion on this subreddit around the topic of money, and whether or not it is important to judge men based on how much money they spend on you. I'd like to offer my perspective on this, and why I think a man's spending habits towards women speaks volumes. This is a long read, but I think this dating strategy advice is critical for success in relationships.

I am of the opinion that you can tell a lot about a man based on how he spends money on you. Below are the key reasons why:

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1. Men who spend money on women have "skin in the game": Men are inherently less vulnerable than women in dating relationships. The threats that women and men face in relationships are not remotely equal. Most women can be physically overpowered by most men. Women risk complications and possible death from childbirth. Women often take a significant hit in earning potential when they have children. Women are culturally expected to handle most/all manners relating to homemaking and child rearing. Women are also culturally viewed as "consumable commodities", with perceived "shelf lives" and "expiration dates" (bleh!). Men, by comparison, do not face these vulnerabilities. The one aspect of a relationship that men perceive themselves as vulnerable is financial ties/spending money. This perceived vulnerability is a culmination of multiple factors, including:
   A. Money = Power: In most societies, there is a direct correlation between money/wealth and status/power. Most people know this, but men are hyper aware of this. More money equals more power, and less money equals less power. To many men, giving money to women or spending money on women is viewed as giving away their power. Money that they spend on someone else equates to less money that they can spend on themselves and their desires.
   B. Men use money to compete with other men: In putting "skin in the game" by spending money on women, men believe they have less money overall, and this is in stark opposition with their need to compete with other men financially. The male ego is often hyper focused on competition and hierarchy, because that is how most men interact with each other. Their egos inflate when they feel like they are doing better than most other men, and their egos deflate when the opposite is true. If they know that their colleagues have higher salaries than they do, it often pains them. If they see their friends buying recreational items they themselves covet, it's a massive blow to their egos. Most men fear nothing more than being viewed as lower on the totem pole than other men, especially by other men. They also fear being viewed as weak or feminine, and many men hold the view that spending money on women is weak behavior. Think of their favorite new term "simp". This all revolves around the male need to one-up each other and out-compete other men.
   C. Money spent on you is money they cannot spend on other women: Knowing that money is perceived as power to men and giving money to women is viewed as a gamble, men are acutely aware of how they spend their "power". Men know that financial well-being is perceived as an attractive trait by women. With that in mind, they are very aware of where they allocate their resources, especially during the early stages of dating. To date costs money, and money committed towards one woman is viewed as money that cannot be spent on others. Since most men view dating as a numbers game, they consider the amount of money they have and evaluate how far they can get with it. To them, spending $100 on a dinner date with woman 1 may not be a good value proposition if he is also interested in woman 2, 3, 4, etc. He believes he has limited funds yet unlimited women, which is when you will see the antics begin. Cue the cheap dates and low effort for women he thinks he can do better than, yet he will spend a greater sum of his money on women he wants to impress.
2. A Generosity Mindset vs. a Poverty Mindset: To evaluate what a man's spending habits towards you means, you must keep in mind the idea of a generosity vs poverty mindset. Let's explore both types below:
   A. Generosity Mindset: The value behind a man spending money on you is not the value of the money itself, but the presence of generosity. A man who is generous with his money towards you views the act of giving to you in a positive light. He does not view the act as demeaning to him, and he does not have negative associations with parting with his money. Keep in mind that generosity hinges on the idea of giving a significant or sizable amount of something, when compared to the total amount of something. This is why spending money on a woman in and of itself is not a high value trait. To determine if a man is generous, you need to have an understanding of how much impact spending money affects his financial bottom line. A man with $1000 in his bank account spending $50-$100 on you is much more generous than a man with $1,000,000 spending $50-$100 on you. The dollar amounts of the spending are the same, but the first man is much more generous than the second man because each of his dollars will carry more weight to him (since he has relatively little overall). The first man will be more acutely aware of the fact that spending money on you will limit the amount of money that he can spend on himself. That gesture shows generosity and that the man values you. The second man would need to spend much more money to have the same generosity effect on his mind.
   B. Poverty Mindset: The poverty mindset is in stark contrast to the generosity mindset. Men with a poverty mindset view money as a limited resource. They believe that the amount of money they currently make is and will remain low, or they have many other financial obligations that tie up their money. Due to their relative lack of abundance, each and every dollar they have has an increased value to them. Because of this, they cannot be generous with their spending on women, and oftentimes view women as financial obligations. This poverty mindset is what leads to the idea of "gold-diggers". It is often the men who have relatively little or limited money that concern themselves with gold-diggers. Men who have little do not want to part with their money, and see spending money on women as a detraction from their financial well-being. Men with more money often find it easier to be generous because they are confident in the idea that they can make more money or that money will make its way into their hands in the future. They operate out of an idea of abundance instead of scarcity.
3. Old Habits Die Hard/People Don't Change: It is important to find a man that has a healthy mentality around money and spending it on you because your future relationship success depends on it. The number one reason that relationships fail is disputes around money. It is in your best interest to vet men on their financial health and generosity early because most people do not change their behaviors throughout their lives. Find someone who is already financially healthy instead of trying to change men. How a man spends money on you will become increasingly important as the relationship progresses. If you have children, there is a high likelihood that his spending habits towards you will carry over to his spending habits on his children. If he is stingy with you, he will likely be stingy with your children and household. For the health and safety of your future children and relationship, it is important to choose a man who is comfortable with spending money on people besides himself. Once again, generosity is key.

Anyone who tells you that what a man spends on you is not important or shouldn't matter does not have your best interest as a woman at heart. Ignore men who tell you that "money isn't everything" or insinuates that you are a "gold-digger". Ignore women who try to convince you to give men with financial difficulties a chance, or that "effort is all that matters". Men's money behavior towards you speaks volumes. Keep your eyes open and react accordingly.