I have a question for former pick me or cool girls. How do you come to terms with the things you used to do?

jayda92 · 2020-03-24T03:02:43+00:00

I forgave myself because I may have been stupid in the past, but that's no reason to beat myself up over it again and again. I'm not letting the abuse continue in my own head...

jewdy09 · 2020-03-24T03:01:58+00:00

Why should you feel bad? No one knows of the majority of your cringey behavior but the dudes involved and I doubt their opinion matters much to you. Most of that behavior was due to your socialization to be nice/understanding/accommodating or the LVM who enjoyed stringing you along. You were trying to be nice, but you just didn’t realize that you were working against your own interests.

Now that you know better, you can do better.

VikingPug · 2020-03-24T03:45:33+00:00

I’m 42. I’ve made so many mistakes because NO ONE told me how to date. The 90s were a shit show of bad advice. I’m not married but I’d like to be. I also know if I don’t find a husband I’ll be okay too. I’m glad I bailed on the 2 LVM proposals I had. I feel like you’re younger than me and you have this subreddit. You have more time to get what you want. It will be alright.

azureeyks · 2020-03-24T03:00:49+00:00

Past experiences make us who we are. So you shouldn’t feel horrible for your experiences and tribulations. You’re here now and self aware. Use your knowledge and experiences to move on forward, and love yourself for who you are.

siberiansummer · 2020-03-24T03:33:43+00:00

I laugh at it. I tell people about it and laugh at it. And they usually tell me some embarrassing relationship situations about themselves. I was such a clown with my ex!! Worked two jobs paying all the bills while he sat at home. A lot of other stuff too. I’m not embarrassed. I thought I was a good and genuine person and men took advantage of me. Never again

LadyGrimes · 2020-03-24T03:03:26+00:00

You forgive yourself first of all. Second, you look at how much better you feel after rejecting those old ways. You want to be true to yourself and that's a good thing <3

purpleprinter_ · 2020-03-24T03:01:46+00:00

I also was a pick me for a long time. I don’t think you should be ashamed or embarrassed. You just wanted to fit in. I don’t think it’s something you should hold on to. It was a learning experience. You know better now, you’ve changed you’re behavior, it’s now time to move on.

Novemberinthechair · 2020-03-24T05:57:07+00:00

Girls are raised to go against our own interests. We don't exactly have society rooting in our favour.

dalenoriah · 2020-03-24T02:58:41+00:00

Modern culture as it currently is does a very effective and efficient job of conditioning us to believe that's the way we need to interact with others to be accepted. It's all social conditioning.

I love the quote "your first thought is what you are conditioned to think, while your second thought shows the reality of your character."

PunnyPrinter · 2020-03-24T03:55:06+00:00

I do cringe and feel embarrassed occasionally. I allow myself to feel those feelings for a while, then I send them on their way. I remind myself it’s better to look back and recognize that I have learned from all of it, than to still be in the shit.

Sometimes I imagine those guys laughing about what they got away with and what they gained, but thoughts like that serve me no purpose, and I remind myself as such. They are still liars and cheats, and I cleared a space to treasure myself and get closer to what it is I deserve.

alexolicsalanymous · 2020-03-24T04:12:54+00:00

Cringing at past actions & beliefs just means you’ve grown! Try framing it as a “look how far I’ve come” situation and it may help.

buddingQueenie · 2020-03-24T03:42:45+00:00

I was just last night laying in bed and cringing at the things I've done for worthless guys in the past.

The important part is that you've woken up now. Forgive yourself.

AyemHerself · 2020-03-24T03:37:40+00:00

You didn't do anything bad. You worked against your own interests, but you did so to make someone else happy, right? And your good nature was used against you. That's not something to be ashamed of, that's something to learn from. Now you know better, and can do better for yourself.

supremelyparanoid · 2020-03-24T02:58:32+00:00

I was never a full pickme but I had some pickme tendencies because of societal pressure.

I think of things in this way now:

Is this behaviour or choice benefiting me or the man in this situation?
Even if it benefits the man or us both, in the long term what will that get me or leave me? Am I still being taken care of in the future emotionally / physically or just in the present moment?

boiledgatorade_ · 2020-03-24T03:57:12+00:00

Therapy has helped a lot

barbaramanatea · 2020-03-24T04:09:13+00:00

Pretty much the same way I come to terms with my middle school clothing choices (had a pink glittery studded belt, and also sported homemade earrings from feathers I scavenged outside) or my 17 year old teen angst to my parents. I was growing. I’ve matured now. I can look back at my silly mistakes and laugh. I see a teenage girl and a young woman who was a little shaky, and I have empathy for her but I giggle at her in the same way I giggle at a newborn calf finding its footing. What’s life without the ability to find humor in it? I know myself now and I love the woman I’m becoming- confident, empathetic, steady, persistent, joyful.

arnaq · 2020-03-24T07:27:26+00:00

I remain aware that I was a young girl being abused and manipulated by older men who treated me like an object due to patriarchal constructs and sociopathy. Forgive yourself.

throwahweigh3521 · 2020-03-24T03:58:00+00:00

That’s what happened. It is not who you are.

And most importantly quit blaming yourself- judging all that you did with really negative labels and self-censure- none of this happened in a vacuum.

It’s not like you lived in a world with only good, healthy choices/outcomes and wickedly like She Satan The Devil chose to do hateful things that disrespected yourself and other women to fuck men on the casual. Always remember that all those men required and allowed all that behavior- and most got sick satisfaction and rewards from it.

Finally, being a cool girl and pick me is based on the idea of being a lone individual making choices that are empowering liberation because pleasure over principle. Beating yourself up is kinda the same thing except opposite because all that hurt becomes individual. This wasn’t just you it was a systematic adaptation to be a lvw in a world of lvm.

2020-03-24T04:29:41+00:00

I know I did it because I didn't love me enough, so it is easy to forgive myself. I don't cringe anymore, but I used to. Now I just want to hug past me and tell her it won't hurt so much one day.

I think forgiveness is a big part of it. Another is having compassion for your past self. Think about the work you've done to improve yourself and allow yourself to feel proud.

kimadoll · 2020-03-24T08:36:25+00:00

Pickme culture is trash but you should not blame yourself for falling victim to it. It’s the world we grew up in. We were conditioned to believe being a Pickme makes us good women. You should feel proud of yourself that you’ve grown to see through the bull shit. Instead of asking a man to Pickme it’s time WePickOurselves. IPickMe! And I hope you PickYou too.

mynamespaghetti · 2020-03-24T03:43:53+00:00

Part of loving yourself is learning to forgive yourself. Self improvement is learning not only to recognize those behaviors you don’t like, but to understand why you exhibit them.

We’re not perfect, it’s not a flawless path, and growing pains are part of it. Don’t beat yourself up for not coming to this naturally, this is something that needs to have been taught. And please don’t beat yourself up if learning about it doesn’t flip a magical switch. No magical switch exists. Just learn to forgive yourself, laugh at mistakes, and to not repeat them.

shrno · 2020-03-24T05:52:23+00:00

Tbh I still cringe and have moments where I want to be propelled to another dimension... but it's not painful anymore. Give yourself credit for finally getting out of a mindset that has been taught to you since birth, you ******* made it even when this society was not designed for you to realize that and against the odds you still did.

THAT woman does NOT exist. You are not her anymore. Now you can grow with your own views, beliefs and values! We are here, we support you and we believe in you.

darlin_squishy · 2020-03-24T05:58:18+00:00

(I am a pick me girl and still struggling) It takes forever to change a mindset and change something you are completely used to doing. And when you do try and change, having an opinion and the ability to say "No" is scary to men. I am still struggling to put me first and stop doing shit just to fit in or so that men "pick me". But we will get there in the end. It takes time.

nymphaetamine · 2020-03-24T07:51:29+00:00

I was embarrassed and angry for a long time too but I had to just forgive myself. It was part of my journey into who I am today. I didn't know any better at the time and I thought I was making my SO happy by putting my needs, wants, and feelings second. Plus, I grew up in a society that teaches girls that if a boy is mean to you, it just means they like you. Nowadays women are basically set up from childhood to fall into that cool girl shit so it's actually more unusual if they don't go through a pickme phase. There's an upside too- my bad past experiences allow me to help others who are currently stuck in that same place.

WimminCritter · 2020-03-24T10:54:41+00:00

This subreddit can make me feel extra embarrassed of my past behavior, but also completely accepted in spite of it <3

RoyalOccasion · 2020-03-24T04:04:11+00:00

If you can forgive yourself for all of the silly things you did growing up then you can forgive yourself for this!

myousername · 2020-03-24T06:19:29+00:00

Accept that you have learned from the experience, forgive yourself for your past mistakes, and move on.

Try meditation and cognitive behavioral therapy, it is really helping me deal with unhelpful feelings of shame and cringe.

youcantucan · 2020-03-24T08:50:10+00:00

I give myself complete agency to answer only to me in terms of shame. I also refuse to be ashamed of decision I personally make, even when it’s a poor one. I will reflect, I’ll criticize myself or my ideations but I have received shame from outside my whole life, I will not be another person to shame me. My behaviors were not guided by devious or shallow intentions but because I had not learned that I deserved anything else. I didn’t even understand that women who were being treated well by their partners existed because even if I saw it i just knew it didn’t apply to me. Just like with children or neighbors, we try not to punish for things people do not know yet. (Within reason). Cringing just means you’ve gained a new perspective from your maturity. The truth is that your or my behavior from the past does not matter in this regard. Just do better now that you know your value. It literally does not matter when you begin doing the right thing, you will always be on time. Forgive yourself, you and I have more to learn.

Kindly_Strain · 2020-03-24T09:26:30+00:00

My mother raised me as a pickmeisha from day 1. I'm still recovering and not proud, I just don't think about it (I have deep-seated trauma I have rejashed) and celebrate every time I stand up for myself

90sCosmoEnergy · 2020-03-24T11:12:49+00:00

Feel no animosity towards the girl I once was. That was how I learned and how I became the woman I was destined to become. I'm not trying to brag, but I see this sentiment all the time and I just can't empathize with it, despite being a total Pick Me in the past. People who get things right the first time aren't as interesting as people who finally master something after years of failure.

riotous486saturn · 2020-03-24T12:24:10+00:00

Recognized my bad behavior once pointed out by FDS. Wrote down how men treated me in the past when I acted that way and literally looked at the evidence. Then I went out and double checked and it was right. The guys I acted pick-me to responded that way. But if I made them pay and made them step up, well... they stepped up. I had lovely dates and shitty dates and it just proved FDS. My fave is how I got a man to paint my house, serenade me w a cello, and take me on cute af dates. He was a trooper. :)

FraidyCat00 · 2020-03-24T14:33:22+00:00

Before this sub I recognized my choices (staying in a marriage) were crap. I wish this sub would have existed at that time. I now find in this sub validation in the choice I made to level up and quit trying to raise my ex husband into adulthood and to stop all my pickme behavior.

I forgave myself for my previous behavior and continue to read this sub weekly to reinforce my own standards and look for ways to teach this philosophy to my daughters.

implygood · 2020-03-24T16:08:04+00:00

You have to be kind to yourself. Mistakes happen. I'm a little disappointed in my past self but I've had a lot of time to reflect on why past me made the decisions she did. I wish she hadn't agreed to no condom with a guy she thought loved her...but she was wrapped up in his charm.

There's nothing wrong with making mistakes when we didnt know any better. We've all made mistakes before we learned, in school, driving, at work.

ChocoBananza · 2020-03-24T18:30:34+00:00

‘With a cringe’ is a right answer. That means you’ve grown.

I treat it as a lesson, how never to act again, what never to do again. Knowing that no way in hell will I let those thing happen again is liberating, and that’s the feeling that I let overwhelm me.

jewdiful · 2020-03-24T21:53:51+00:00

Shit I am grateful for the fact that I’m a reformed “pick me/cool girl” because it helped me developed a deep compassion both for myself and others. I’ve been through hell and back with my self esteem and my confidence, I couldn’t imagine having become the person I am today any other way.

I forgave myself, and now I treat myself well, I’m kind, and this all applies to other people too because I know what it’s like to feel shitty about yourself, to lack self worth. I go above and beyond trying to build up the people around me because I didn’t used to do it for myself! If I’d always been confident and self-loving I don’t know how it would be possible for me to the kind and generous human being I’ve become. The best people I know have been through shit and come out the other side. Our past struggles are a goddamn gift if you choose to see them that way. And that mindset is what sets you free

Title	I have a question for former pick me or cool girls. How do you come to terms with the things you used to do?
Author	mango_pecan
Upvotes	82
Comments	43
Date	March 23, 2020 11:33 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/fnuhvh/i_have_a_question_for_former_pick_me_or_cool/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/i-have-a-question-for-former-pick-me-or-cool-girls.679674 https://theredarchive.com/post/679674

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