Another restless night almost 10 months after divorce. Longing for a woman I shouldn’t even want. Does it ever end?

nolesfan2011 · 2024-11-19T06:48:23+00:00

I wish I had the answer to that, it's bad when you miss someone who was/is capable of evil. It hurts to lose everything when you didn't do anything wrong and they get to return to their life when yours is shattered.

atharakhan · 2024-11-19T05:55:51+00:00

Yes. It gets better. At some point you’ll forget to even think about it.

Akerm92 · 2024-11-19T03:07:27+00:00

Been there. Still there.

textredditor · 2024-11-19T00:30:08+00:00

It absolutely ends! But you have a lot to do with "when" it ends.

Start by forgiving yourself for feeling this way. You were with your ex for a reason. It likely started with physical attraction but once you add attachment on an emotional level, it can take heaven and earth to sever that connection.

This is just your ego going through the greiving process. Your ego is in denial because it feels a "phantom connection" that your primal system cannot override, even if this other girl is objectively more attractive.

Give yourself grace, let yourself morn. Doesn't mean you can't see other people, but it does mean you should know what you're capable of emotionally.

Finally, when you're ready you won't even notice the change, you'll just keep going and one day you'll think, hmmm I don't feel shitty anymore, and really I haven't in a while... Cool! And then you'll realize how absolutely lucky you are that she's not in your life anymore!

Dm me if you want to talk.

roshi-roshi · 2024-11-18T22:43:12+00:00

I’m 8 months in and It is tough to let go of. I think a lot of us men just switched on our commitment brain and assumed we’d be married forever. Getting out of that mindset is so hard. I don’t know if I want to go back, but the future is so uncertain and every day there’s some new challenge in living alone or being a single parent. I’m still having a really hard time.

redragtop99 · 2024-11-18T20:47:12+00:00

I try to think about how awesome my life is now. When I do think about her, I think about how bad it’s gotta suck to be the AP, she’s got a 7 month old baby w him, and they share an apt. She moved out of my almost paid off house, to get an apt w some dude 12 years younger than me and they’ve since had a baby.

DivorceRecoveryMen · 2024-11-18T18:49:54+00:00

Realistic expectations is the key. It's gonna take a while for you to get your ex's DNA out of your parking spaces of you brain. As soon as you clear that, the nights will be better and the 'overthinking in bed' will start to dwindle. It does end, you are at the controls.

Nighthawk2824 · 2024-11-18T17:46:53+00:00

I feel this man and it does get better, it’s going to be tough as hell and it might take a couple years but it WILL get better.

Odd-Yoghurt1869 · 2024-11-18T16:37:56+00:00

Hang in there my man. I like to listen to dating podcasts and pretty much anything "manosphere". We are not misogynists, we love women, we need MORE man empowering content out in the universe. It seems that anything that is meant to empower a man is labeled as "misogony", its not.

GoPokesGC · 2024-11-18T16:35:10+00:00

~2 months for each year together is a rule of thumb I saw on here once and it was about that much time for me. But you have to be active in distancing yourself from her, setting yourself up for new prospects, and giving yourself purpose. Not desperate, just active

Two_ents · 2024-11-18T16:03:56+00:00

I don't know brother, I really don't know. Based upon a lot of the stories and updates people post, apparently it does. But until then, there will be constant reminders of who these women truly are, dark fucking black souls is all I can see. What a terrible thing to say, I'm sorry you had to hear that. I just had to go to my house as my son forgot his shoes, and I had to see her AP parked in my spot in front of my house.

Good for you being able to get back out there. I can't even bring myself to have even the slightest of interest, I'm completely devastated and disgusted, and don't even have it in me to grudge fuck a woman. I'll never trust another person, so I don't see that changing for the foreseeable future.

She's ruined me, she's ruined everything, the world is broken, truly irrevocably broken.

regertsrus · 2024-11-18T15:59:30+00:00

You have to get laid more and find love / trust again. As soon as that happens, you will forget she ever existed. I know this for a fact.

kimboslice3345 · 2024-11-18T15:53:30+00:00

Where did yoy meet your hook uo

kimboslice3345 · 2024-11-18T15:52:47+00:00

Do yoy have kids?

HalfTheMan611 · 2024-11-18T15:32:27+00:00

Together for 15 years, married for 10. The longing ended after 2 years of separation. Like others have said, I now laugh about it. I genuinely wish her happiness. You'll get there bro.

Onendone2u · 2024-11-18T15:19:19+00:00

Perhaps write it out all on paper what all the things you didn't like and like about her. The fact she was dishonest, selfish and unloyal should likely top the list? Remember all the bad times, put it on paper. Remind yourself what kind of trash took itself out. Remind yourself you deserve better every time you see her. Work on yourself. Excercise, build a better life, go have fun. Don't settle(out of loneliness) and keep your standards high. Get active.

Puzzleheaded-Yam1718 · 2024-11-18T14:58:51+00:00

The loss of bride/marriage/life is painful. I’ve been dealing with tossing and turning and restless nights. Pastor told me it’s going to hurt for the next 2-3 years and time is my best ally. So I’ll tell you, it’s normal. It’s gonna hurt for the next 2-3 years and time is your best ally.

Medical_Number8972 · 2024-11-18T14:53:43+00:00

Yes it does end when you let it and start the long search for another woman. You'll do it when you're tired of the heart ache. Don't blame yourself. Heal yourself and find someone else.

FriedMinus · 2024-11-18T14:43:24+00:00

You are romanticizing the good times and glossing over the bad ones in your head. You said it yourself; you’d never been able to forgive her for the affair. You won’t ever (nor should you). You’re mourning a person and time that doesn’t exist anymore. Focus on you and the kids (and dog). Gym, hobbies, work, kids/family. Skip the drugs/booze/hookers and be the best you that you can be.

BlazedGigaB · 2024-11-18T14:30:20+00:00

Psyconaught it up. I had attachment hangups after my marriage ended. DMT helped me detach

SnooDucks2052 · 2024-11-18T14:05:32+00:00

It takes some time. What helped me was seeing her with several other men. My imagination took over and I can’t even look at her the same. I kinda laugh thinking about all these different men. I feel sorry for her cause she looking for a man like me but better when should’ve put that energy in to helping make ME better. You will get over it in time and for your own reasons.

UnimportantOutcome67 · 2024-11-18T13:54:03+00:00

Bro'.

Let it go. Let her go.

You just hooked up with a hottie.

What's the fucking problem? Run with that shit.

silmarp · 2024-11-18T13:40:55+00:00

My dude. It seems you are doing things wrong here and that's the reason you are feeling bad.

First things first. You can move on. Some men move on immediately, some will take their time and some will only reminisce about their exes to the end of their lives. Don't be the one to reminisce.

Thing is your brain is hooked on her. You need to unhook it. You might need to go to therapy but you can also do it brute force. It's all about hormones. Thing is, your brain sends a bit of hormone every time you see her. That means you need to teach your brain not to do this. There are some tricks you should do.

Things you should do:
Redecorate the house. As to take every things that remember of her outside of your view.

Exercise: Exercise helps you release some serotonin. That's something that will make you feel great. There is a reason people recommend exercise and is not only about getting in shape, more like teaching your brain how to do stuff.

Learn or do hobbies: You are still thinking about her because you are not thinking of other stuff. Is there something you wanted to do before and you couldn't do because of her? Just do it. Want to learn Chinese Mandarin? Just do it. Keep your brain occupied and you will move on.

Friends want to talk about your ex? You are not interested. If they try just politely decline and tell them you'd rather discuss Elden Ring's lore or about the Poker championship or whatever you're into.

Other thing is with other dude, it's not your business so you shouldn't feel anything about it. She said it to hurt you but truth be told you have to put on a headset when she is close. Don't listen to whatever she is saying as it's not your business.

bizbunch · 2024-11-18T13:22:47+00:00

I mean if all I knew is that after betraying you she would come by and use your dog to intentionally harm you by whispering about her affair partner that would be enough to know exactly who she is.

I get it 100%. You are not alone.

Next time try to realize you are in a loop and break that cycle. Put on a show, read something weird, sometimes music but have to be careful as that can make you nostalgic

hazalo9 · 2024-11-18T13:21:56+00:00

You gotta stop all contact with her bro. Once you do it for a few months, I guarantee it will get better. Having contact with her is like window shopping for something impossible to afford. Just keep walking and you'll forget about it. Go No Contact or Grey Rock or you will be stuck in that emotional purgatory for more than you have to. You're better than this and if you don't feel it, fake it till you make it. Good luck bro!

redwzrd · 2024-11-18T13:02:27+00:00

I have been listening to Rachel Sloan on you tube it helps. Have to retrain your brain. Re wire your thought patterns. What they have done to you will never be okay but it doesn't have to own you. You can forgive her and give up the power your giving her over your life. I was with mine for 16 years and a couple months in she's telling the new guys she wants to be his wife. I'm choosing to ot care what she does with her life. I let her go mentally. When the intrusive thoughts creep in I recognize them and change my thought patterns. Think of the things that will be better with out her. Think about the future woman that won't fight you on the things she did. Also invision the things you could never do because of her. Like redoing your place the way you want it.

pieperson5571 · 2024-11-18T12:53:28+00:00

From those who have gone ahead through hell, it gets better. Muscles and meat are the secret to surviving betrayals. Grow muscles and eat lots of meat. Stay away from carbs and sugar as it can depress you. I cycled uphill till I can no longer hear the demons and mind movies.

Updateme.

Feveronthe · 2024-11-18T12:45:19+00:00

Got to move on. That train has passed. Look to the future. Take care of your son. I always advise hitting the gym. Find other activities to take your mind off what has gone on. I felt depressed and such a failure, but time does heal.

GreyTooFast · 2024-11-18T11:52:20+00:00

Why is she even coming by? Block that shit move forward

ExaminationKlutzy194 · 2024-11-18T11:43:29+00:00

No way out but through. Eyes forward.

Intrepid_Reveal4833 · 2024-11-18T11:05:58+00:00

She is playing games with you. Next time she is around call her by the other girls name then clam up if she says anything.

No-Asparagus6937 · 2024-11-18T10:48:26+00:00

Her own boy? Dude come on she is trash. Who does that? Listen man you can do better cause you are a good person. You dont need a woman like that in your life. Karma will hit her one day. Hit the gym listen to me and you ll find someone better along the way. F her.

Timbers-creek · 2024-11-18T10:28:58+00:00

It will get better. You have to heal yourself first, it will take time. I was there myself, took almost 2 years. Find a new hobby, make some new friends & just keep working on it every day. Everyone heals differently, do what it takes man.

Commercial-Doubt-612 · 2024-11-18T10:11:46+00:00

Hang on there buddy. Live the best you could. I am sure someone better will come along. Don't give up. This life is too precious to wallow in sadness. And stop seeing her. Replace that memory with a more memorable one. You can do it buddy.

No-Bandicoot6731 · 2024-11-18T10:09:26+00:00

Bit weird that she would say that to a dog, I’m in a similar situation but only 5 weeks in. Struggling with wanting to see my daughter but not wanting to have anything to do with her. Had a bad night last night going over the cheating in my head. I’m going to try and grey rock her and just focus on my daughter. The gym is helping a lot plus talking to people or making a note on my phone when my brain goes into overdrive. You got this bud!

EstablishmentHot4889 · 2024-11-18T09:53:58+00:00

That's really sad.

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