Does it get better?

Whtcanbrowndoforyou · 2025-03-02T01:56:00+00:00

This too shall pass! The goal should be finding joy again in life, I understand it's hard to see it with all the ups and downs.

Reflog1791 · 2025-03-01T08:06:21+00:00

Yes the final settlement wasn’t nearly as bad as my fears. The numbers seem big but you bounce back and stack chips 10x as fast.

I would get 50/50 on everything or take it to trial. Manage your own divorce your lawyer doesn’t care nearly as much as you think. Impute her income to 40 hours per week. Coach the kids sports teams.

The main thing I would say is don’t get desperate and afraid. Operate with strength and conviction. Design your new life right now and make it happen.

IcyMycologist4837 · 2025-02-28T13:42:51+00:00

I was in a very similar situation. You need to understand the laws or you will get steam rolled(even if you have an attorney). I learned the applicable laws, case law, reviewed cases including separation agreements and actual trial decisions. I ended up playing the long game. If I had not done the work and relied on just my attorney I would have got screwed over badly. I negotiated a fair deal and was ready for trial if necessary. 9 months out now and based on the deal made I am just fine. When it all started it looked bleak. But if you have no idea what you are doing, yeah you will be in trouble.

LonelyNC123 · 2025-02-28T13:05:21+00:00

Friend ..... you are a case study in why men should NEVER get married!

Of course, most of us learn this the hard way, thru the School of Hard Knocks.

Don't be a dumb-ass like me and get married a second time!

probebeta · 2025-02-28T06:38:28+00:00

Since you are negotiating I'm assuming you haven't signed any agreement yet. It's best to get legal advice and then act using that advice. You have to push back, get creative and get the best deal possible. This was one of the most important decisions I've made, good amount of money is on the line. If this was a poker game I'd say this is the time to go all in or you can play it safe and end up paying for a while. Easier said than done but it's what I did.

regertsrus · 2025-02-28T00:22:29+00:00

I did reach that point. Been in your shoes. The lights came back on when i realized i have never feared anyone or anything and i still dont. Somehow i forgot that along the way when i lost access to my kids everyday. The tides turned when i realized my balls are way too big and thats why my back hurts sometimes. Its that simple. Live it up bro. Right your ship and the kids will flock to you more than her. Especially boys.

reapersritehand · 2025-02-27T18:38:23+00:00

We separated back in 2017, and I still think about ending it everyday, of course I don't for the kids, and she chose to end it after I broke my back and can't get a real job anymore so you might have it slightly better then me, but you can always rebuild, and in honesty the rebuild is just going to be a shell

WeaknessCapital9064 · 2025-02-27T18:09:30+00:00

Half the money she will get and with alimony and child support. Welcome to the world of being rewarded for being the family earner. It gets better... child support ends, alimony usually has an ending. You will recover in 5-10 years

dharma_van · 2025-02-27T17:37:51+00:00

Take her to trial dude. You need half of the equity from the house and half the equity from her car. Tv, furniture, everything gets split down the middle. If you have $200,000 in your 401k and the house is worth $500,000, you can work in keeping your whole 401k and let her off the hook for $100,000 of her $250k she’ll owe from the house. Don’t get hosed.

gorillavstiger · 2025-02-27T17:20:17+00:00

Fight her.

Fight her for the house, fight her for the car, fight her for the kids. It's going to cost you money now but these stress and anxiety you will save later will be immeasurable

Gockdaw · 2025-02-27T16:47:51+00:00

You are questioning the whole point...

... Your kids are the point. Keep fighting for them. Even if you don't get what you want they will see that you are still fighting.

GenX_Flex · 2025-02-27T16:27:49+00:00

Yes. You can and you will. Lot’s of guys on here living a great life.

RespectInevitable479 · 2025-02-27T16:06:42+00:00

She’ll have to pay you out from the house if it’s paid off save that and use It for child support

ConfidenceNo242 · 2025-02-27T15:58:55+00:00

It took me ten years to come back from it financially. I was broke for years just something I had to live with. The more I made the more she took. But in the end you’re supporting your kids.

Newdustinyork · 2025-02-27T15:07:26+00:00

Bro, biggest mistake was not going to court. I'm in this exact boar right now but with 50/50, she moved out in have the house (i.e. full payment + half child expenses, medical premiums for everyone, medical bills (oldest child has a heart condition and I pay for her car and car insurance and she has way more money) we are doing the mediation/collaborative, im $36k in legal fees and nowhere closer than I was 9 months ago... go figure. I think the best advice for you and me, is to drop, get a new attorney, go litigation, and fight for our kids and $

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2025-02-27T14:57:14+00:00

She is choosing to work part time. I have a full time job. She is demanding child support and half of my retirement. We are negotiating. Neither of us wants a trial.

Part of this process is making peace with losing things. Unless there is something to offset your retirement its gonna get split. DO NOT let her say "give me more retirement for no child support". That is a scam - she can file for CS a day after its final and the ink is still wet.

Make an offer: Child support based of her full time projected income. 1/2 of the retirement FROM THE MARRIAGE ONLY.

You're gonna have to do some math on the retirement. If it was worth 50k at the start of the marriage and its now worth 400k they might say you need to send 175000. What you need to do is calculate the amount at marriage start as a separate amount, sorta starting at 0, with the 50k calculating as its own separate amount. I.e. the 50k would now be worth say 89000 on its own, so you're really only sending 155k.

Ok-Cause1108 · 2025-02-27T14:26:14+00:00

Everyone starts off broke after a divorce mate. No way around that.

Remember when you were fresh out of mom's house and broke? You ended up fine right? You'll do fine again, you'll just be broke for a few years before you figure things out yet again. In 10 years you will be where you want. You might not be able to retire as early as you want but so what? Men where made to work, not to sit on the couch and get fat and lazy.

Don't even think about being a little bitch and making a permanent decision over a temporary situation. You have an amazing life ahead of you full of freedom, women, your kids, grandkids, great grand kids. Nobody can take that away from you. Time to let go of the victim mentality....yes what happended sucked, so what?

BlueHarvest17 · 2025-02-27T14:23:55+00:00

Do you have a lawyer? If she's able to work full-time, they might be able to impute a higher income to her that's fair and reasonable. Why does she have so much $ and you don't? If you have marital assets, depending on where you are, you would divide them in half.

If you don't have a lawyer, get one ASAP.

ghostiewm · 2025-02-27T12:38:19+00:00

It gets better if you don't capitulate. There is a big difference between giving in with grace, giving in for peace, or giving in because of fear.

Although 50/50 is a bad ideological standard in staying together, I think that in splitting up it's the place to start.

What you have described sounds more like acquiescing, which leads to resentment, which poisons your soul.

Many times when we fight and lose, we tend to move on emotionally faster, because we took what we could from the table. Perhaps you should put your foot down? And it doesn't matter how y'all got here. The economic gains of marriage belong to both of you.

VeteranEntrepreneurs · 2025-02-27T10:27:44+00:00

So it sounds like the way it was when you were married then (minus the kids part). This my friend is what modern feminism has created for us men unfortunately. Yet some how we are so dumb that we’ll do it again out of “love”.

For anyone reading this, please, please if you ever get married for a second time (like I did), put these items into place before you get married (or just don’t).

Prenuptial agreement protecting your assets, all of your assets.
Your prenuptial has a clause that includes protections to you, that if you acquire assets during the second marriage and you acquire them with your own income (100%), those assets are your assets.
Your prenuptial agreement protects any future income changes, meaning let’s say you are making $100k when you get married and you are making $200k five years later, that she can never go after your new income. 4, or simplify it and say you will never pay any form of spousal support.

It may sound petty, but About 60–67% of second marriages end in divorce, compared to 40–50% of first marriages. So you need to protect your interest. Don’t let her pull the wool over your eye, if she doesn’t sign, you don’t get married. I unfortunate am going through my second damn divorce and I did NOT follow this advice. Fortunately, I think I have gotten her to agree to reasonable terms, but not as good of terms if I had required a prenuptial agreement.

waterkata · 2025-02-27T10:04:11+00:00

Don't let that beach take your retirement

lurkermurphy · 2025-02-27T05:29:22+00:00

i'm three years in and still right there. enjoy!

Radicalbrahhh · 2025-02-27T05:25:44+00:00

Why can’t you sell the house and car and split the money!? Lawyer up

Enough_Youth_4564 · 2025-02-27T04:47:01+00:00

Find another woman. A hobby. Millions and millions of people go through this and come out of it unscathed. If they can, you can.

Too_old_3456 · 2025-02-27T04:30:47+00:00

I’m about to move out of a two bedroom apartment and into my car. I’ll let you know if it gets better, but it can sure get worse.

Emotional-Change-722 · 2025-02-27T04:01:20+00:00

Wait.. what? She’ll have to buy you out of your side of the house. Maybe the car too. Can she work? Does she make more than you? Kids in preschool? Depending on the state (I’m in Texas)… she just shouldn’t “get” anything cause she had the label of “wife.”

Gotta stand up for yourself.

(I’m an ex-wife btw. Not all of us are awful creatures. But I acknowledge they exist)

Mindless-Maximum-959 · 2025-02-27T03:40:39+00:00

half of everything that was accrued during the marriage! equal halves of all property, no matter what. if she pays you the balance or you need to pay her the balance in the end to make all property at signing equally divided. no matter the difference in current salaries. divide debts, physical property, savings, and retirement.

child support and time with the children should be as equal as possible and as reasonable. agree on the school and decide on a weekly schedule.

if these things can't be done without emotional nonsense, then you're each in for hell.

once that property settlement was signed, we agreed on a schedule w the kids and a monthly tally of agreed child expenses. we split it.

beyond that, your life is your own. any day or night is your decision. 24hrs each and every day. use em! get good at being with yourself. i am 4 months beyond our signing which took 11 months to get thru.

for me: motorcycle, meditation, walks. soon entering the divorced adult dating world, and hopefully entering some women too that are equally welcoming.

chimps20 · 2025-02-27T03:20:22+00:00

It does but it doesn’t. I have become a shut in. I go to work. I come home and my life is about my son. If I need my sex needs met I go to a hooker. Atleast you can do what you please

tyyyy110 · 2025-02-27T03:17:02+00:00

I hate this for you mate!

Things like this turn good guys into savages. No advice really. My divorce almost broke me too, but I pulled through. It wasn't easy tho man. It's unfair.

First-Sail8421 · 2025-02-27T03:13:30+00:00

It sucks. But you can weather through it. The system is unfair and rewards women for blowing up families. Divorce whisperers far and wide tell them how great it is to be apart from their "narcissistic husband" (every husband is "narcissistic" in these people's opinion - they are charlatans, at best). But everyone reaps what she sows.

Historical_Eye3756 · 2025-02-27T03:05:05+00:00

That’s terrible. 👆This right here is why I won’t reconcile with my wife. She filed for divorce and now doesn’t really want to go thru with it.

jbuds1217 · 2025-02-27T03:01:24+00:00

If you want to avoid court the best way to even it out is to get arbitrator and fight for an equal and fair divorce. If that doesn’t work time to lawyer up. If the two of you put your pride aside and put the kids first it’ll work itself out.

Title	Does it get better?
Author	thisuserdoesntx
Upvotes	25
Comments	42
Date	February 27, 2025 2:56 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1iz5tl7/does_it_get_better/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/does-it-get-better.1545094 https://theredarchive.com/post/1545094

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