I had my 1st post divorce hook up

Exciting-Throat-2002 · 2025-01-24T22:09:00+00:00

I ended up in 3 1/2 year hellscape. Same kind of person, just presented different. In hindsight, went too fast and she was not cautious at all. Met her kid the next weekend. The shot she pulled was crazy, but hard to see while in it. So, trust and talk to your friends and listen to them. I did but never acted a On the advice. Go Gong show. But she was so hot!

Ill-Ninja-8191 · 2025-01-23T04:14:31+00:00

probebeta · 2025-01-22T10:51:41+00:00

Give it a couple years before she starts moving stuff in your home 😅. And I know that sounds unreasonable for most women, but I mean ladies, come on... What's the rush!

Aggravating-Ad-5793 · 2025-01-22T09:52:26+00:00

You hit it, now quit it before you find yourself dividing that 401K again. 😄

AffectionateAd6060 · 2025-01-21T01:50:22+00:00

"She's awesome and we have a ton in common." stop. That pedestal ... smh

congrats nonetheless

AggieDan1996 · 2025-01-22T05:08:42+00:00

Well, in my opinion having a sexual relationship post divorce is a bad idea. Ideally, you'd wait until you got married again and be fucking picky as hell.

I fell hard in my first relationship. Then I overcorrected by trying too hard to make things work. I couldn't bear the thought of "failing" again and looking like a fool, again.

Take a moment to figure out why you're with her. In my opinion, if you can't see being happy being married to her, you shouldn't be fucking her. No one says you have to keep the relationship sexual. You can honestly say that you're worried sex might be clouding your judgement and could you dial things back a bit.

I learned pretty quickly (11 months!) that my first relationship was not healthy for me. Then worked with my therapist on my must haves in a partner. And I made a deal with my therapist that I'd not date again until she approved.

She approved. That next week I went on a date with my new wife. Date#2 was the next day. We wed almost 2 years later.

Solid-Phase-1655 · 2025-01-21T06:31:25+00:00

I went on a few dates, had some horrible lazy sex. Did not enjoy the single life and new dating app world. I gave up and was determined I would never date again. Spent a year or more with my daughter and working. Then my Labrador got loose and ran down the street up to this younger lady as I chased her. We chatted, started to just be neighbors. Then went out a few times. All because of the dog my exwife abandoned on me. Idk where this might end. She is 18 years younger, with no children. But almost 2 years together, my daughter and dog absolutely loves her. If anything ruins this, it will be me 100%. But it gets better men, and sometimes you get very lucky when you keep your eyes open.

xjeeperx · 2025-01-21T03:59:52+00:00

It’s not real. Let it run its course, don’t get attached.

Feisty_Elderberry_96 · 2025-01-20T16:00:26+00:00

Have fun. Set boundaries. Don't ty to make her happy - make sure you're happy. Remember, most women now think relationships revolve around them. Be selfish for the first time in your life. If you don't want to do something, say no. And they'll be more just like her if it doesn't work out.

Don't knock her up!

Become_Pneuma · 2025-01-21T00:21:21+00:00

Don’t overthink things. Just roll with it and let things develop organically.

mtb5418 · 2025-01-21T00:02:26+00:00

It won’t last. If it was just a hookup it’ll be gone before you know it

pmbrenner91 · 2025-01-20T23:23:10+00:00

i married her

tyyyy110 · 2025-01-20T21:30:00+00:00

It wasn't real mate. syr to tell ya. Question tho, is she a single parent?

lurk1ng · 2025-01-20T21:08:19+00:00

Congrats. As the hawk tua girl famously said, “The best way to get over someone is get under another”

Also, shouldn’t this sub be divorced men? Not divorce men?

regertsrus · 2025-01-20T20:20:06+00:00

Why cant it be real and why does it have to be? Its that type of thinking that will make you miss the one and find the none

TraditionalHour7561 · 2025-01-20T19:34:28+00:00

Make sure you vet her for several years before you consider marriage or cohabitation. In some states it’s one and the same.

Society gives out messaging like men are desperate and should be grateful for ANY female interest now that women are so strong and independent… blah, blah, blah. In reality you’ll find that you have the upper hand in dating and relationships. Men hit their prime level of desirability in their 30s and 40s. Don’t give away your future to an entitled and nagging negative woman. Beauty, especially at this point in life, is temporary at best. Temperament and values are permanent and are more important in long term relationships. You may find that many women look at relationships and human interaction in general as transactional. In other words, what can I get out of this relationship or interaction.

I’ll share my experiences/preferences in women and what I did to vet my long term girlfriend. Maybe you’ll find some of it useful to your situation or point of view.

Most importantly, you need to spend at least 18-24 months with a woman before cohabitation or even considering marriage.

Many women are adept at faking the qualities they know men value. Women tend to be more social creature then men and are more skilled at navigating social situations and know better how to sway public opinion. When you get to this time frame, it becomes harder for her to keep her true colors under wraps. Also look for subtle clues that she may be hiding her true motives and intentions.

Watch her ACTIONS, not her WORDS.

For many people, women especially, there is a large disconnect between words and actions. This tends to be even more true for many women because they are more likely to be primarily governed by their emotions rather than logic. Emotions are temporary and impermanent, and viewing life through this lens tends to lead one to betray their words or stated values due to being “caught in the moment”. Finding a woman with integrity and self discipline will make your life easier overall. For example; my girlfriend refused to let me buy food or alcohol on our first date because she “didn’t want to feel like she owed me anything”. I respected the hell out of that, and it also told me she was there for the right reasons. This was so attractive to me, there was no entitlement in her and to me it showed integrity. So many women love to talk about how strong and independent they are until the bill comes due. There was no price I could have paid that bought her attention or favor. I don’t know why more women use this tactic.

Look for signs or implied or explicit entitlement, especially in the first year when she should be on her best behavior.

How does she treat wait staff and those who can do nothing for her? Does she brag about special treatment that she gets from others? DOES SHE SHOW AUTHENTIC GRATITUDE FOR THINGS OTHERS DO FOR HER? Does she expect things from you without asking? Does she waste money on frivolous purchases or luxury goods? Does she follow vapid “influencers” or overuse social media? Does she dress up for others but not for you? Does she treat everybody approximately the same regardless of social standing or status? This is all very important, and a strong sign of how things will go in the future.

Pay attention to how she talks about her ex partners and family members.

This one is about her ability to take accountability or own past mistakes. Many women have a victim mentality when it comes to past relationships and refuse to acknowledge their part in relationship failures. One of my favorite questions to ask is “what percentage of your previous relationship’s failure do you attribute to yourself and why?” You’ll find out all you need to know about her in many ways in regard to how she answers this question. If she resents you for even asking or refuses to answer it…. RUN! If she claims abuse, make sure you make her follow up on that claim. The word abuse means a thousand different things to a thousand different people nowadays. Ask questions to pinpoint what she considers abuse. Having a heated disagreement and not caving to her demands isn’t “abuse” and further supports a princess/entitlement mentality.

What is the relationship of her parents like, especially her relationship with her dad?

History tends to repeat itself, and this is where she gets her standard for what a normal relationship looks like.

If she has kids how does she talk about her kids? Does she have a reasonable view of who her kids are and how she acts as a mother? Does she coddle her kids excessively?
And finally, one of the most important and overlooked aspects of a healthy relationship: Does she sexually desire you deep and consistent way?

Does she ever initiate sex? Does she ever turn you down when you initiate and if so what are her excuses, and does she try and make up for it later? Was sex plentiful and passionate then fell off a cliff all of a sudden? Does she openly and clearly communicate how often she likes to have sex in the early stages and does that match your experience? Does your sexual satisfaction matter deeply to her? Does she let you do all sorts of sexual things to and with her? Is there evidence that she is very promiscuous or is all her sexual energy/flirting saved for you and you alone? Is there evidence she was much more sexual with other partners previously?

(My personal preference) Does she have a vibrant feminine energy?

Is she generally differential to you? Does she care for you and make sure your physical/mental/sexual needs are met since you also take such good care of her? Does she immediately whine about domestic duties when they aren’t always exactly 50/50 split? Is she highly opinionated and brash like a man would be? Does she have signs that she is faking femininity like a bunch of trashy tattoos and high conflict relationships or poor mental health? How does she speak about other women? Does she talk about them like they are people or like they are her competitive rivals? Does she dress and live in a feminine or masculine way.

This is very long because it is very important. We need to test women thuroughly before potentially mortgaging our future away again. We are the prize. Don’t forget that. Also if she claims to be in it for love she shouldn’t have a problem signing a prenup.

Budget-Book-3764 · 2025-01-20T19:18:10+00:00

Take it as it comes. Let everything come to you. I hate using cliches but in this case they work.

Also responsibly hook up with as many woman your schedule allows, without affecting the rest of your life. Time to live a little

Positive_Rub_6696 · 2025-01-20T18:51:43+00:00

I was pretty checked out the last couple of years before filing to end my 20 year marriage.

I thought I was ready to start dating about 5 months after filing. Not only was my divorce in process, but I was also newly sober. Much to my surprise, the women I connected with viewed my marital status as a much bigger red flag than that I was a newly sober alcoholic.

I went on several dates and really connected with two. The first one was only about 3 months. I ended it for reasons I didn’t fully understand until much later. The second one, I ended because she had a 8yo boy and REALLY wanted to be married someday. I didn’t know what I wanted exactly, but I knew I wasn’t interested in raising an 8yo and possibly being on the hook for some other dude’s kid. 7 years later and I’m only now softening up to the idea of marriage again.

Without context of time, I’m going to assume you may not have any better an idea of what you want - or don’t want - beyond sex and maybe companionship.

Best advice I would have is to be honest with both the women and with yourself. You’re not a White Knight, nor should you really be expecting to really know what you want.

One bit of homework my sponsor gave me was to make a list of the 25 most important things TO ME in my next woman. They could be anything from character traits like honesty and humor, to physical like big rack and blue eyes to if they had kids to how old their kid(s) were. Sex acts. Financial. Whatever. Sounds easy, but you’d be surprised what a thesaurus you become on the last 5-10 things you think are important! lol. Next week, trim that 25 down to 15. 15 down to 10. 10 down go 5 and eventually 5 down to 3.

These three are your “non-negotiables.”

It was a good exercise and one that helped me gain clarity on what was important to me.

whoisgodiam · 2025-01-20T18:33:11+00:00

NEVER GET MARRIED AGAIN, DON’T BE A SIMP

Medical_Number8972 · 2025-01-20T18:01:36+00:00

Stay grounded. Don't let the dopamine rush of emotions convince you she's the one. Watch out for red flags. No one knows what someone may be hiding from you.

Nothoughtiname5641 · 2025-01-20T16:21:39+00:00

Nothing wrong with a good night with someone else!!

sharps2020 · 2025-01-20T16:16:05+00:00

Personally, I'm still getting divorced and I've told my good mates to have a bloody good talk to me if I ever mention trusting another woman.

Ok_Builder_3285 · 2025-01-20T14:24:42+00:00

Good for you. I can’t even get a date.

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2025-01-20T14:17:33+00:00

The rebound is tricky. You think you have found "the one" the first time out (spolier alert she isn't). You feel like slipping straight back into the hubby role....its is so familiar and safe. No change, growth, reflection or hard work required on your part whatsoever. It feels amazing. You get to replay your marriage all over again just with a different person. If she is fresh out of divorce too she will be doing the same with you. Those rose colored glasses are fucking amazing my man.

The breakup hits hard. It feels worse than the divorce. That fairy tale of finding the perfect woman the first time out of the gates is pulled from under you. Crap, you do need to work on yourself if you want things to be different.

The next few after that are easier and much healthier. You begin to grow and change and not put any expectations on the new partner or the relationship. These are fun.

Once you get to a certain point in your progress you start to question the pros and cons of a long term relationship. By now you are able to self validate and self regulate and don't require a partner to prop you up emotionally. Sure sex is fun but you always have to measure that against the freedom you lose and the compromises you have to make. Is the juice worth the squeeze? Would multiple casual relationships be a better fit? FWB? With modern women empowered (i.e. promiscous) and willing to spread their legs with no commitment or effort required on your part you begin to ask if it is smart to tie yourself down to just one and lose control of the awesome life you have built for yourself.

For me it all comes down to kids. If you are done having them no reason to commit. If you want more kids then the data is clear they do best with both bio parents in the same household so marriage is a must if you want to give them the best.

Suspicious_Dot6179 · 2025-01-20T12:55:21+00:00

My first relationship after divorce went great bro, it was my first true love and we have the best little daughter now, 8 years married and wouldn't change a thing. Also got married within a year of the divorce (for all the nay-sayers out there). Also am now on great terms with my ex, plus my kids from previous marriage adore my new wife. Pretty much nothing is impossible with God

OkAbbreviations7449 · 2025-01-20T12:47:08+00:00

Don’t overthink it and just have fun, and don’t really think much at all about this person other than this is some fun. That Gatekeeper book is fantastic. Dr. Shawn Smith is an authority in the space. You’re the gatekeeper, you’re the one that determines where this goes. Think about your bigger goals, have some fun and go after what you really need in life.

CharlesDanceFan · 2025-01-20T12:46:52+00:00

I hope you waited a year and completely healed

Seemingly this is what men have to do now

What a time to be alive!

Seriously though, nice work mate.

Can’t beat getting your dick wet with some new vag juice lol.

Thats the elixir for post divorce recovery man, do not let anyone tell you guys otherwise !!!!

THX1138-22 · 2025-01-20T12:29:59+00:00

Read the Gatekeepers book by Dr Shawn smith. It really helped me to navigate dating post divorce. Your picker is broken after years of a dysfunctional marriage. This book gives a clear roadmap of how to fix it.

Is0prene · 2025-01-20T09:55:57+00:00

That thing that tells you its not real is your reality check. The more invested you become in a relationship, the more you let your guard down. Just have a good time, but keep that reality check in place to not overlook big red flags. Make a list of deal breakers so you don't have to make the painful decision later. Contrary to what many believe on here, there ARE good women out there, they are just very very hard to find.

R9ome · 2025-01-20T09:40:01+00:00

Don't overthink it, if you things are going well then just keep going, take things slowly and enjoy the moment.

Title	I had my 1st post divorce hook up
Author	jdubby619
Upvotes	51
Comments	49
Date	January 20, 2025 8:30 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1i5lpzv/i_had_my_1st_post_divorce_hook_up/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-had-my-1st-post-divorce-hook-up.1541666 https://theredarchive.com/post/1541666

Comments