It's not going how she planned

AvacodoCartwheeler · 2024-09-27T13:40:52+00:00

Yes, that has happened to me, although admittedly, we were not way into crazy land.

I think you shouldn't instantly shut this down. It's possible she's having a self-reflection moment and realizing that this isn't going to be what she had planned and she's better off working with you instead of against you. I would warn you to not drop your guard, but if she's wanting to move into a less hostile mode with you it would be in your child's best interest and your own to have an effective working relationship with your ex.

If she's being "nice" be nice back (but keep your guard up) at least until you better understand her motives. A "talk" never killed anyone - give her the chance to explain herself and go from there. She might be ready to stop the bleeding, or she might want to get back together (if this, expect her to resume hell when you say no), or she might be trying to butter you for something else, but I stand firm that you need to at a minimum take the time to understand her motives. If you want to go scorched earth after, then by all means feel free.

r3tude · 2024-09-27T07:09:32+00:00

I find with mine it usually corresponds with time with her mother. The ex mother in law is a judgemental, opinionated, Interfering old witch.

Everything can be done with whatever we agreed, then Boom there's family law involved and agreements and maintenance applications.

After I split and the mother in law came round picking my daughter up, she'd make comments that I spend all my money on boys toys, my new car is too big, why am I not selling my Porsche........erm non of your fucking business..I had comments of why are they picking my daughter up from school when I'm off kayaking at 3 o'clock (it was my ex's day and I offered but I wasn't allowed ) 😱

Of course it's all painted like in a terrible father who only looks after himself. No no me skinning my self to pay for a 5 bed house on my own purely to keep her close to school and her friends and keep consistency so she doesn't lose out on anything because of the split....yes im fuck horrible ,🤣🤣

Embarrassed-Safe-670 · 2024-09-26T23:36:30+00:00

Sorry dude but my advice is go for thr jugular.

MonarchistExtreme · 2024-09-24T22:52:37+00:00

I find that it goes in cycles. My assumption is that our "relationship" highs occur when she's having a low period with whomever she's under at the moment. When I don't hear from her for a couple weeks I say a silent prayer for the poor dude that's keeping her attention ROFL

Sea_Employment4100 · 2024-09-24T20:54:01+00:00

It sounds like she might be softening, but I’d tread carefully. I’m only 4 months into a horrible situation where my wife abruptly absconded with our daughter, ghosted me for a week, and it took a wellness check from the police to confirm she was even alive. Since then, I’ve been dragged through a divorce that I’m convinced was orchestrated by her narcissistic mother.

My wife’s turned every interaction into a war, fabricating allegations, trying to claim I’m mentally ill, and fighting for sole custody. The kicker? The court saw through it and awarded me 50/50, but now I’m stuck with supervised visits for two months, just so I can ‘prove’ I’m not the monster she’s painted me as. The mental gymnastics are exhausting, and it’s surreal how someone you shared a life with can flip a switch like that.

If she’s reaching out now, it could be genuine or another manipulation tactic. Trust your instincts, and keep documenting everything—cover your ass and stay cool. There’s always a calm before the storm. It’s tempting to throw her words back at her, but that could backfire. If she’s serious about easing up, it’ll be clear soon enough. For now, let your lawyer do the talking, and don’t let her reel you back in without a damn good reason.

Exactly65536 · 2024-09-23T12:18:28+00:00

Why do you consider sympathy? It's good that she is discussing peace terms, but peace doesn't require sympathy. Discuss if from the kids' future point of view, don't have to be sympathetic to their mother beyond that. Whatever difficulties she is facing, they are not yours anymore.

warrior_up · 2024-09-23T09:04:14+00:00

Sympathy/empathy leaves you vulnerable to future attacks

If you suspect she has a personality disorder the unwarranted hostility and hatred towards you will only grow worse with each and every relationship she jumps in and out of. She, is expereincing the true reality of “the single mom life” no dudes take single moms seriously anymore. She made her bed…..

Of course never talk ill of her, but I’m just finishing up court for false child abuse allegations, in 2022 it’s was physical abuse this time sexual, and I have three boys she’s exposed this evil shit too. I also had empathy, felt bad, wanted the best for the kids, tried being fair forgiving - just like our marriage none of it mattered. If she is miserable everyone else is going to be miserable

$100k in legal fees defending false accusations. Guilty until proven innocent type shit. Scary as hell man, what these women do these days because they thought divorce was like the fucking rom-com on Netflix. Nope. You fucked up, like I tried to warn you, you thought you would be on a yacht - now my ex is engaged to a toothless felon and only has supervised visitation- literally lost her eff’n mind and is dangerous to society at this point

Point being: don’t ever underestimate her true agenda/intentions. Be fair but stern, she keeps fucking around cut off communication and get rid of the sympathy - this is what she wanted. Let her enjoy it

pieperson5571 · 2024-09-23T08:58:52+00:00

Give it your Oscar worthy best.

Updateme.

dudefromyork · 2024-09-23T08:24:57+00:00

If you can live with 50-50 and - if you try your hardest to be objective - you can live with the settlement in offer, strike a deal right now whilst she appears lucid.

You will never know what’s going on in that head of hers and it’s not a great use of your time dwelling on it. Just play the hand in front of you. The peace of mind is so worth it when it’s all wrapped up and legally binding!

MrEgusi · 2024-09-23T08:07:20+00:00

Please settle everything you can settle out of court...out of court.

FUMoney · 2024-09-23T07:00:33+00:00

Push for settlement or trial. END IT. Get the best deal you can, get it now.

BahamaDon · 2024-09-23T04:51:33+00:00

What is in it for you to allow 50/50. See what she is willing to do.

FinnyIzzy · 2024-09-23T02:09:08+00:00

Just a hunch but did she have a boyfriend? Did he recently dump her? Happens everytime.

Bumblebee56990 · 2024-09-23T00:46:34+00:00

If you have a phone conversation follow it up with a text message. And talk to your attorney about what they recommend you do.

Protect yourself and your children at all turns.

upvotersfortruth · 2024-09-23T00:38:54+00:00

This is a rare opportunity to end it, don’t fuck it up. Keep the pressure on, drive settlement, don’t stir the pot but maintain your confidence and strength.

captainchippsixx · 2024-09-23T00:06:46+00:00

Watch army of darkness! They think they killed the hag. Right before someone checks to see if she is dead. Bruce Campbell says “wait, it’s a trick.” And of course she gets up and starts fighting again. That’s what you have here. It’s a trick. Do not sit down and talk unless you have a way to protect your self with a witness or video.

NCC_1701_74656 · 2024-09-22T21:59:11+00:00

Go for 100% custody

jkw118 · 2024-09-22T21:49:11+00:00

Sympathy no.. but the ability to skip a shitload of court BS is gold. Unless you have some shit storm of crap on her.. ie duis or her endangering the kids you'll end up at 50/50.. and she may be realizing working FT and kids is a shitlpad to deal with., and that childsupport won't make the difference. Their is no extra cash.. If you go to court showing your looking for revenge they'll take it out on you. If you go in looking for fair you'll get it.. just voice concerns etc..mandated covering basics...

This_Train340i · 2024-09-22T21:38:37+00:00

Sympathy for the Devil isn't a good idea, but it is a great song!

JustSomeDude7287 · 2024-09-22T21:23:56+00:00

People do not change. Habits are extremely hard to break. Look at the pattern that’s their behavior.

Look at yourself there’s some habits that’s hard for you to change when you understand that then you understand how difficult it is for others. For example snoozing to get up and you say to yourself you won’t hit the snooze button but it’s been years.

Slowloris81 · 2024-09-22T21:17:40+00:00

Yes. I filed for divorce and my ex initially tried to fight me for custody. We finally settled custody at a 50/50 split but it took more than a year to get there and another year to finalize the agreement. I was really put out at first because she took advantage of every accommodation and made false allegations I had to rebut. But I put those emotions aside because I wanted what was best for the kids which was to try to co-parent with someone amicably and respectfully. After all, you’ll have to deal with this person the rest of your life. And the kids will have to deal with the environment.

That doesn’t mean I trust her. And I push back, respectfully but firmly, when she is being unreasonable. But I figure I have to try for the sake of the kids.

sukakpak · 2024-09-22T20:26:48+00:00

Just separated 2 weeks ago and she immediately went off the deep end. This gives me hope.

domgamepat · 2024-09-22T20:05:07+00:00

I'd have no empathy for someone who's publicly slandered my name and who's been hostile and aggressive towards me. But hey, that's just me.

NotUsedUsernameYet · 2024-09-22T19:51:54+00:00

Keep it over text/email, don’t meet in person. But if she agrees to 50/50 and financial deal is reasonable there is no reason to take her to trial. Sign it and get it over with.

techrmd3 · 2024-09-22T19:51:23+00:00

it ebbs and flows man

I have had reasonable ex (who kinda is feeling me out to make sure she can scoot back to me if things get 'too tough') I've had hellion ex in the blossoming of a fresh new boy toy good luvin who thinks I'm dirt again (rinse and repeat like... 2-3times? I lost count)

I also want to have sympathy for the woman... buuuuuttt... she's strong and independent and can deal with the consequences of her own decisions... right?... I mean she's so strong! and independent!

I have tried being mean. (That don't work) I have tried being nice. (That DEFINITELY don't work)

The way I play it now is purely business. She is the custodian of my kids... and that is it.

Women really want emotional context in any interaction. If you deny them emotionalism they will test and goose you to try to get a rise out of you (you know the classic pick on you until your angry to find out if you "care")... I just always ask SO WHEN YOU WANT KIDS PICKED UP? or whatever logistics. I only talk logistics

YOUR SITUATION... obviously your ex wants you to ask about "why" she wants you to take the kids. She likely wants to humblebrag about new Boy Toy wanting to take her to X location and do Y things with her. She wants to see if you care about X and Y so that she can get a dose of validation that she is a desired woman who still moves the needle for men (she likely is not getting that much anymore as she is getting older).

Your choice if you want to be her Validation Dealer... I don't do that for my Ex anymore. But there are plenty of my friends that "play the game" as they say lightly flirting with Ex to subtly stroke her ego so they get good feelings at pickups and dropoffs.

Not me I will not be the dealer of ANY positive emotions towards my EX in any way or form.

itsallright_now · 2024-09-22T19:40:13+00:00

Absolutely don’t fall for the trap. Even if she’s being completely above board, that can turn in an instant. Be on your guard. Always. Most of the time it’s manipulation, conscious or not. I don’t know your entire situation, but too many times the ex-spouse gets into another relationship, so they go on the attack for a while. Then when the outside relationship ends, they come back looking for the comfort and safety of what they had before. That happened with me, and when she went back to the other man, she just turned nastier. Did that happen, possibly?

But you can play it cool and act open for now. Let her feel like you are open to whatever she wants, play like her friend for now. Be as accommodating as you can be without compromising yourself or your kids.

And let her bury herself. Then go for everything you want (supported by your documentation) and that will put you in the best position for the future with your kids. Good luck.

CulturedGentleman921 · 2024-09-22T19:36:13+00:00

Talk to your lawyer and ask him how to proceed.

familymanlikesfamily · 2024-09-22T18:57:47+00:00

Eff man. I think many question that.

Fully get what you're saying. I think the folks have gone thru this will still say who cares, move on.

I'm with you there when it comes to being empathetic.

stent00 · 2024-09-22T18:56:25+00:00

Don't believe it for a second. Judge.her future behavior off of the last year. A leopard does not change its spots. Be weary. Go through you lawyer.

Title	It's not going how she planned
Author	conker574
Upvotes	59
Comments	45
Date	September 22, 2024 6:44 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1fn0dk1/its_not_going_how_she_planned/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/its-not-going-how-she-planned.1531055 https://theredarchive.com/post/1531055

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