The regret is unbearable

Past-Swan238 · 2026-03-04T04:51:24+00:00

This resonates with me, despite only being together for 10 years not 20. How could I have been so neglectful to her? I did not mean to be but was anyways. Now there is no chance of return and I have very little left in my life

I hope you can get past this and wish you luck brother

Ok-Anything-3605 · 2026-02-28T00:42:21+00:00

I feel your pain. I told my friends how embarrassing this was and they absolutely reassured me not to feel that way which was helpful, especially if you did what you could and wasn’t ‘all’ your fault. Kids don’t like it but have been incredibly resilient. if you can’t talk to family, get therapy (do it anyway). Keep busy, be selfish, take care of yourself . It’s a rollercoaster

Puzzled-Cap7450 · 2026-02-27T20:44:10+00:00

It takes two to tango. Even if you did have a lot of faults, it isn't 100% your fault.

Livid-Ad-101 · 2026-02-27T10:10:34+00:00

You are going through stages of grief and self blame is one of them. Be careful about what you say to her, her family and friends and don't admit that it was all your fault. When it's all done and you get passed this stage, you will realize the true reasons why you behaved like that and why your marriage broke. I made this mistake and called her family, brothers, sisters entire community and cried and told everyone that it was all my fault and I truly took all the blames and carries this huge mental burden, but couple of years later, I was able to understand that some of my behavior were reaction to her covert narcissistic behavior and her constant gasslighing tactics, which were physically pushing me away from her despite her having a killer look and body. When you live with someone for so long, some of the unacceptable behaviors become normal and you accept and tolorate, but when you seperate you will start seeing things that you were not able to see and admit before but it was all affecting you and your relationship.

Even if it was all your fault, you should still think forward and put the past behind, tomorrow is another day and you can work on yourself and be a better person, but beating yourself up will be major and unnecessary barrier. Move on, be kind to yourself and others and you will not recognize your old self in the future.

MyrrdinWyllt5 · 2026-02-26T18:00:55+00:00

My wife is actively trying to guilt and manipulate me because it worked so well for 30 years. No more. While I am heartbroken for the children, I choose me for damn near the first time. No one is perfect and there is always blame to go around, but it ok to choose happiness - or at least its possibility.

Alo-9 · 2026-02-26T12:46:54+00:00

Guys, Stop drowning in guilt! I’ve been exactly where you are, and I know that weight is heavy. But eventually, you have to realize that if you gave it your all, you’ve done your part. Did we mess some things up? Yeah. Did they? Absolutely. That’s life, and you aren't the first or last guy to go through a divorce. Stop looking back, start putting in the work, and focus on your own growth. Time to level up bros! Good luck!!!

Kullval · 2026-02-26T07:32:53+00:00

So was she perfect? In the 20 years you were together, you never compromised, you never did anything for her? You never sacrificed yourself, any of your needs, for her? I don't believe it, my friend... you wrote that the house is full of memories that make you sad. If they make you sad now, it's because they once made you happy, and if she allowed these memories to fill her house, I imagine they were pleasant for her too... let me guess, in the conversation where she tells you she wants to separate, she also said: "I don't know if I ever truly loved you"?

Now is the time of sadness, of mourning, there is no defined time in which you can say that it will pass, he told me in October 2025 and in January 2026 I moved with my son who asks me every week when I will return home to them... it's hard, it will still be hard for a while, but we move on, even before we were not well, we all know it inside us, only that before we had certainties, now these certainties have collapsed and you cannot rebuild them in a couple of months

upvotersfortruth · 2026-02-26T05:35:56+00:00

Greetings, fellow asshole. I also regret a lot of things I’ve said and done and the way I treated her less kindly than I could have, and in most cases, should have. At the same time, shes also her and im not a mean person. Not sure if you’re romanticizing or viewing the past with rose colored glasses tinted by some overwhelming emotions - but nothing is 100% one persons fault.

KingJon85 · 2026-02-26T05:00:48+00:00

I think most of us have some, if not many regrets. I certainly was no where near perfect, especially early on in the relationship.

There were also things out of my hands that caused issues such as financial and health problems (which are better now.)

I tried to grow in my relationship but she seemed to get worse with age.

When guilt starts to creep in i just immediately mentally shut it down. There is no point in torturing myself. She did much more horrible things to me and never took accountability.

As for you brother just try to not make the same mistakes again. Its hard for us as men to open up sometimes. I agree with what others have said, do some counseling.

MisterQureshi · 2026-02-26T04:21:01+00:00

See a therapist brother

SeriousGains · 2026-02-26T04:02:01+00:00

You’re going to grow a lot from this. You’ll probably be an entirely different person when it’s all said and done. I look back a year to when our separation began and I don’t even recognize myself. It’s sink or swim now. The past is the past, and you need to just keep moving forward. In the beginning it’s tough, not going to lie about that. If you need to disappear for a bit, do it. Focus on healing and preparing your life for a new chapter.

Don’t worry about sharing anything with family or friends. Chances are none of them will understand what you’re going through anyway. Focus on yourself and don’t rely too heavily on anyone else. If you’re anything like me you’re in for a surprise when you find out how few even care about it or have anything to offer.

what2do_na · 2026-02-26T03:17:57+00:00

Im about to do this after 30 years! Its an abusive, mental and emotional torture, marriage and affected the kids so much as I prolonged for them. I and kids are in therapy and meds and she living her life with holidays and adventures. Cant take it anymore of her narcissistic abuse and being the supply.

I do feel guilty but its been 30 years of just giving in and providing as sole earner. Feels like i am/was just an atm machine and emotional punching bag. Now feels used and thrown out at late 50s…

Don’t know what the future will be but need a break!

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-26T01:54:38+00:00

you're carrying 16 years of guilt and regret on your shoulders right now, realizing you were emotionally unavailable, unkind, and selfish throughout the marriage, and she told you many times but you didn't hear it until it was too late, and now you're sitting in an apartment full of photos and memories feeling like your life has been a complete failure because you couldn't be a little softer, a little nicer, listen a little longer, and the despair is unbearable because you know it's your fault. Here's what I need you to hear: the fact that you're sitting in that pain right now, taking full accountability for how you showed up in the marriage instead of blaming her or making excuses, means you're finally doing the emotional work you should have been doing for the last 16 years, and yes it's too late to save the marriage but it's not too late to become the man you should have been, and that starts with sitting in this regret without numbing it or running from it because this is the moment that either breaks you or rebuilds you. You weren't emotionally mature enough to handle basic marriage responsibilities, you're right, but the fact that you can see that now means you're capable of becoming emotionally mature if you're willing to do the work, and that work starts with forgiving yourself for being the person you were while committing to becoming someone different moving forward, because hating yourself forever doesn't help her, it doesn't help you, and it doesn't help the next chapter of your life. Telling your family and friends is going to be brutal, yes, but disappearing off the grid doesn't fix anything it just delays the reckoning, so instead of running you sit with the pain, you own what you did, you tell the people who matter that you failed and you're working on becoming better, and you commit to never being that version of yourself again, because the only way through this is to accept that you can't change the past but you can control who you become next.

Sad_Beautiful9183 · 2026-02-25T23:40:44+00:00

It does hurt. Accountability is a tough pill to swallow

But you will be okay. It's how humans tend to learn, through pain.

Take care of yourself. It will get better and you will start a new season of life with much better awareness and knowledge.

NotYours25 · 2026-02-25T23:40:34+00:00

I’m seeing so many posts about wanting to end it all or disappear lately.

I tried and it doesn’t solve anything. Remember you are here for a reason. Lean in. Seek advice. This sub will enlighten and help you heal.

This place saved me at my darkest moment.

You will get through this.

Spared-No-Expense · 2026-02-25T23:32:46+00:00

Being withholding is what made your marriage last as long as it did. Kept her chasing. Had you been kind the whole time she would have left you 5-10 years ago.

Smart-Incident3403 · 2026-02-25T23:18:46+00:00

You are exactly how I was 6 months ago, right down to length of marriage and relationship.

I’m sure it sucks for you as you see the life you’ve built and the future you’ve planned fall apart all around you. I would recommend getting into therapy and start going to the gym to get some restlessness out.

I too put all the blame on myself at first and was willing to do anything to prevent the divorce from moving forward. While I think it’s healthy to recognize what you could’ve done differently I doubt it was entirely your fault. At least in my case, I now recognize that most of her unhappiness was stuff that I could never have helped her with. She would complain about something, I would address it, but then she found something else to complain out. The goalposts were constantly shifting, because it wasn’t me that was causing her unhappiness, it was her own internal feelings that she refused to address. Does your soon to be ex have trouble taking accountability for things? Mine did.

One thing that really helped me was talking to my sister in law who had a very intimate perspective of our relationship. She said I was looking at my ex with rose colored glasses, similar to when someone dies and everyone only remembers the good stuff they did. She started reminding me of times my ex was particularly difficult which would lead to conversations like “yeah, she did that shit all the time.”

I know what you’re going through but you need to remember that a relationship takes two people coming together. Was she expecting you to come to her and see things always from her side?

Stay strong, do the work. But don’t be so hard on yourself.

serkovavantgarden · 2026-02-25T23:00:08+00:00

Mate, marriages are 50/50

That includes the problems

Don’t gaslight yourself.

You both had a part to play. Good times and bad times

dukeofthefoothills1 · 2026-02-25T22:30:17+00:00

We know how it feels, brother. Don’t take a permanent solution for a temporary problem.

Olderbutnotdead619 · 2026-02-25T22:19:58+00:00

I hope you tell her all of this.

LuigiBonnafini · 2026-02-25T22:18:05+00:00

darealyst · 2026-02-25T22:06:29+00:00

Are those your words or the words that have been pounded into you by your ex wife?

Always-tolkein · 2026-02-25T21:36:25+00:00

I’m in the same boat brother. And trying to save it. My whole life and mentality have flipped upside down. Don’t let it get you down too much. You still have to learn to love yourself and take care of yourself so that no matter the way it goes you will be happy in the end. Find distractions if you can. Healthy ones. Reading has really helped me when I’m down and wanting to flip through my phone. And right now, social media will be your enemy.

2026-02-25T21:35:41+00:00

Once a woman asks or initiates a divorce it’s Likley she’s already checked out and gone mate.

You’ve gone from her life and future and her heart, I know it sounds heartless because it is.

I was with mine 17 years and she took my whole world with her. My children and dogs namely. Very sad, taking me time to process and understand who I am without her as she was everything to me and after 6 months I still want her, but she’ll never love me or want me.

Eventually you’ll fall in to a routine of shopping alone, washing clothing alone, changing bedding those are the things I miss, my clothes being nearly folded as opposed to in a fucking pile of mess I dont know what’s clean/dirty.

There is life after all this. Don’t try and move on so fast as the other woman can pick up on it and you could lose some nice ladies. Wait until you’re ready. I didn’t think I’d ever feel better but day by day, firstly hour by hour I’m getting better. I became an orphan in the middle of all this too so if I can beat this you can too. I’m rooting for you my man.

Ever wanna talk reach out pms always open to help genuine people

Guru_of_Glaze · 2026-02-25T21:31:00+00:00

Man, you're buying into her narrative. I can empathize because I did too, initially. The person closest to you in the world tells you that she's leaving and that it's all because of your behavior. Of course you believe her and promise to do anything to save the relationship.

But it's a false narrative. Don't buy into it. Get therapy. Connect with friends who see you for the man you are. There's a difficult road ahead but you've got this.

ImplementNo2413 · 2026-02-25T21:25:02+00:00

I thought it was my fault too. Now that we are separated, I’ve realized she’s done nothing but control me. She was so good that I now think I’m a bad person. In fact my family and peer group think I’m great. People say I’ve the best partner they’ve seen (involvement wise).

In the grand scheme of things. Don’t let her convince you you were the problem

Familiar-Cobbler4567 · 2026-02-25T21:04:12+00:00

For your own sanity you need to tell yourself it was never going to work out no matter what or she would of tried harder to make the marriage work give yourself some grace don't stay stuck ruminating with the what ifs it won't help your situation so try to stop by telling yourself it's your fault. No regrets brother keep your head up we all been there try to stay strong

bluetrainlinesss · 2026-02-25T21:00:17+00:00

Be easy on yourself, brother. 20 years is still an achievement, so I doubt very much you were as bad as you're making out.

Immediate-Story2562 · 2026-02-25T20:52:48+00:00

Brother, we have all been where you are at some point in one form or another.
What you are describing is exactly how I felt at the beginning of our divorce.
I know its a tough and emotional time so please try to be kind to yourself while you work through this.
Try to find forgiveness for yourself as none of us are perfect. We all have our faults.
Taking accountability is healthy but don't put yourself down. You are grieving.

Koi_Fish_Mystic · 2026-02-25T20:52:06+00:00

First, start getting therapy. I use the Ritual app & see my therapist twice a month.

Second, I’m in a very similar boat so I know exactly how it feels. If it’s not too late, take a look at the love languages & at least use them before you split.

Environmental_Art760 · 2026-02-25T20:46:14+00:00

That sucks. If it’s too late for marriage counseling, be sure to get help for yourself. Try to stay busy and just do the things now that you regret not doing. If you can’t turn things around with her, be more ready for the next one.

SoftSofiHeaven · 2026-02-25T20:33:28+00:00

Tgat sounds incredibly heavy to sit with, especially after so many years together. Realizing all of this at once can be brutal. Whats the hardest for you?

Title	The regret is unbearable
Author	lepetitpoissant
Upvotes	50
Comments	71
Date	February 25, 2026 8:29 PM UTC (5 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1reovz5/the_regret_is_unbearable/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/the-regret-is-unbearable.1574242 https://theredarchive.com/post/1574242

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