Cohabiting before marriage?

vghoulgirl · 2020-06-11T14:26:25+00:00

I've also been there done that and it completely changed my view on cohabitation. I won't do it again unless I'm engaged or married. I had a roommate for years, not a partner and it took me a long time to realize that.

cutsforluck · 2020-06-11T14:39:45+00:00

I've also cohabited before. I would not consider doing so again, unless I am engaged.

On the 'bright side', you see a side of this person, that you otherwise would not see when living separately. The bad habits, bad attitudes, misogyny (!) really shine through. It's nearly impossible to hide. In my case, all of these traits, and MORE!, shined like a beacon and hastened my swift exit from the relationship. Had I not lived with this individual, I would have wasted more time. I needed the toxicity to hit me over the head, I guess.

These days, I laugh at my youthful insouciance.

lival42 · 2020-06-11T14:31:52+00:00

They are pushing for it so to get all the domestic perks from you - cooking/cleaning/organizing - without the responsibilities. This is not beneficial to you. Even worse, once in your home they get difficult to remove once they fuck up and require a break-up.

Avoid.

divination__ · 2020-06-11T15:34:45+00:00

DO NOT DO IT. I just got out of a relationship that lasted much longer than it had to because we were cohabiting (and there's a global pandemic). It was exhausting, everything was split 50/50 because he basically saw me as a roommate rather than someone to take care of, even though he earned more than double what I do. It didn't help he was a narc too lol. I, of course, did almost all of the domestic work. It would have been easier to have lived with platonic roommates.

Before I lived with him I lived at home to save money for my own place. He was renting as his parents live abroad. At the end of this, I'm financially worse off (I consider there to be a double loss - the real cost of the rent I paid, plus the lost potential of all that money having gone to my savings if I remained at home). I am now moving back home and prioritising saving. Never compromise your independence, especially financial independence, for a relationship. There are other ways to see someones living habits without having to actually live with them – it is unlikely that your partner is going to turn out to be a slob if their apartment is beautiful and always tidy. It is unlikely they're going to be clean and domestic if they live in a pig sty. Travel with them, visit their family and observe the dynamic between their parents (and if he helps his parents out), and that will tell you everything. I really don't think you actually need to sign a lease with someone to find that out. My relationship got so much worse after we moved in because he knew I was tied to him by a lease, it made it all the harder to simply walk away and he took me for granted.

ESPECIALLY do not move in with a guy who owns his own place and wants you to pay rent. That's an immediate, huge red flag.

The only pre-marriage exception I would now make would be moving in with a guy who owns his own place and would not charge me rent (nor should he if he sees me as his future wife). A friend of mine moved in with a boyfriend after 1.5 yrs of dating. The place is only in his name (as far as I know) and she told him upfront that she will help him decorate but will not pay rent because if the relationship ends she will be left with nothing and would have spent years paying off HIS mortgage. He was perfectly happy with this, three years on they have a beautiful home that she decorated tastefully - all big jobs were paid for by his end of year bonus. This way at least she can build up her own savings. And it makes sense, as he works in finance and she works in media so they're on very different wages.

West-Cook · 2020-06-11T14:46:24+00:00

I was always of the opinion that I didn’t want to cohabitate until engagement. I ended up compromising by moving in with him after I knew he was the one I wanted to marry... it just felt right. He was actually planning his proposal at that point anyway, and we were engaged two months later so it was pretty much the same thing.

devoushka · 2020-06-11T15:01:02+00:00

I pushed for this with my ex and thank God he dumped me instead. I was such an idiot, his apartment was always filthy and he was a piece of shit boyfriend and human being in general.

I'd do it after getting engaged. I don't want to be a forever girlfriend and I know from experience that bf/gf relationships are low commitment and can end abruptly. Plus I don't fully consider myself to be taken without a ring, and if I decide I want to take a step back and explore other options I need my own space.

barrebuns · 2020-06-11T15:17:59+00:00

People test relationships/the other partner by moving in together. They go into it with a “let’s see how this goes” attitude. It is typical that men want to live together instead of marrying because they are skittish about commitment and, therefore, more likely to call it quits when problems arise.

There's very little upside to cohabitation for women who ultimately wish to marry. At the very least it will take up valuable time that could otherwise be spent dating marriage-minded men. How many of us personally know women who have spent years in dead-end relationships, living with a man and doing all the wifely things — even having his kids! And he still won’t marry her?

Women who cohabitate can actually lose objectivity because they're not looking at the relationship from a distance. They literally haven't had the "space" to step back and objectively consider whether this person is truly the best match for them. Instead, they sort of just sort of drift into marriage. Living in separate spaces makes it easier to make a well-thought-out decision.

Conversely, when married people move in together, there has already been a lot of thought involved. They both realize they have made a lifelong commitment to one another. They have talked about babies and families, and where they're going to live, and how that will look. They have already “bought the cow” (yuck!) so they aren’t busy scrutinizing the other person. They are excited to be married and make a life with their chosen partner.

The intention makes all the difference imo.

mightbethrowawayyy · 2020-06-11T15:42:04+00:00

I would do it after engagement but before marriage. Before marriage because it’s crucial to test out our living habits before actually getting married. After engagement for the reasons everyone else mentioned. Men want to cohabit with their gf ASAP because A) they want the wife perks without a wife and B) it’s harder to break up & move out once you live together, so you tolerate more of his shit.

Every cohabiting couple (just bf-gf, no engagement) I’ve known has lots of issues. The women always complain but they just can’t break it off. Feels toxic listening to their stories at all.

wiindowsill · 2020-06-11T19:47:33+00:00

My mother used to tell me that if a man is ready to commit to living with you, he should be ready to commit to marriage.

grand_tiremaster · 2020-06-11T17:57:35+00:00

Don’t do it, especially if it’s your first time living on your own. Living alone as a woman is beautiful. You can decorate however you please, make it as “girly” as you want. You will literally always have snacks available and a clean home if you left it that way. Annnd if you didn’t there’s no nagging about how you need to clean up immediately. Also if you do decide to have a man over you can send him home when you’re tired of him and need some space. It gives you a lot of control over what you will and won’t deal with.

masterofthebarkarts · 2020-06-11T18:19:54+00:00

So about 6 months into dating my husband, I asked him point-blank what his plans were for "us" and he answered, without hesitation, "I want to date for a year, live together for a year and then get engaged". I don't think I would have agreed to live with him otherwise. In my case it worked out, but unless a guy can give you an equally-concrete plan and timeline, I would recommend against it.

grand_tiremaster · 2020-06-11T16:04:15+00:00

[deleted]

ShieldMaidenLagertha · 2020-06-11T17:59:35+00:00

Woo boy...I have a lot to say about this. The TLDR: NEVER DO IT! NEVER EVER!!!

I did it with a guy 5 yrs ago and it was a huge mistake. He turned out to be an old school entitled misogynist. I agreed to move in together because it made a lot of practical and financial sense. He was divorced and after 2 years of us dating he wanted to sell his old marital home (I found out later that he actually could no longer afford it). He was at my apartment every night at that point anyways . I was just laid off my job and he suggested we move in together so I could finally properly launch my business that I had been working on part time for several years. I did all the house work, 90% of the gardening, and all the social calendar organizing/maintaining social relationships. It was a 4,000sq ft house - so tons of work. He was 16 years older than me and totally used finances as leverage over me. He brought up marriage a few times in a weird passive way (not a proposal), but at that point I honestly was having my doubts about his financial stability (he lost his entire company with a totally irresponsible rookie move during this time and was always an impulsive spender) and his general lack of empathy and emotional unavailability were both incredibly troubling red flags. Needless to say I was really rethinking a life with him. Well...he turned out to be a horrible narcissist and I found out was cheating on me. This tale could be a novel, there are so many fucked up elements to what he did to me after I found out, but long story short - I immediately left him but I basically lost everything except my personal belongings because I was not legally his wife (though I did absolutely everything a wife did for years). Had I been married, half that house would be mine. The story does have a happy ending though because I now have my own house. My new home is paid off, while he and the woman he was cheating on me with struggle to make their bills in a historical house that they do not know how to care for, with gardens that are dying. It looks like a haunted house over there now. Oh and did I mention, his new partner is cuckholding him with the neighbor. 🤣🤣🤣

So basically, please do not move in with a guy. You can figure out if he is marriage material through other means. Living with a guy is a slippery slope into free labor and wasted time. You lose all your power this way.

sadpourtoujours · 2020-06-11T18:49:38+00:00

If you cohabit before marriage you will end up doing the wifey shit and he will get wide benefits without an initial monetary investment and commitment (ring). That’s gonna be a no from me dawg.

Pitiful-Implement · 2020-06-12T00:20:08+00:00

Years ago I went to a birthday dinner for a work colleague (it was a small office and all of us got along well so we had get togethers outside work several times a year). The co-worker whose b-day it was had also recently gotten married. Her husband, over the course of the dinner got drunk and at the end of the dinner blurted out that he had only married her because she was pressuring him and threatening to break up. He then added that he decided to go ahead and marry her because it was easier than finding a new place to live and moving all his stuff.

It was one of the moments where the whole party just went silent and looked at him. My heart broke for her and I have never forgotten it.

absoluteunitpussy · 2020-06-11T14:39:36+00:00

i could never get married to a person unless ive lived with them for at least a year first. so many people have absolutely unacceptable living and especially hygiene habits, it's disgusting. i will not sign anything legally binding before i made sure i won't ever have to deal with some such bulshit.

PollyAnnaSunshine · 2020-06-11T19:27:41+00:00

I would say no, it's not recommended. I reluctantly lived with my ex while engaged, and I think for some people, that may work. In our case, it was partly affordability/convenience due to living in an overpopulated and expensive city. There was nothing really new I learned about him during that time (about a year) of living together, that I couldn't have found out without living with him.

In the happiest relationships I know of, the couple became committed (engaged/married) and set up house together after that commitment was firmly in place and solidified. Psychologically, I think this underlines to the man that you are a high value woman, and that you KNOW your value as a wife, rather than a live-in girlfriend. I would also say that all the cooking/cleaning/chores/childcare should NOT fall on the wife. Marrying a man does not make you solely responsible for cleaning up after him, feeding him, and parenting his offspring, especially if you also work. He should be taking on his fair share of life-management tasks- being born with a penis does not exempt him from those things.

jetpatch · 2020-06-11T17:55:34+00:00

My mum swears that it was because she didn't live with my dad before marriage that it turned it to be a shit show.

Men can easily put on a good front to fool you if you don't live with them for at least a couple of months.

If a lot can go wrong that's a good thing. It's better to find out before you get married. Those relationships wouldn't have magically worked if you'd not lived with them. You'd just have been trapped.

If you don't want to extend the commitment set the date and then move in.

2020-06-12T05:02:24+00:00

Big NO. I’m 26 and love my solitude , my peace. Months ago i reached a point with a boyfriend of moving in together or keeping our own places and going our separate ways. Considering how his place would always look , & his happy hour habit , it was easy to keep my place. Yes , rent is high. But the perks of peace are so worth it.

EclecticBarbarella · 2020-06-11T17:30:20+00:00

I won’t marry someone until I’ve lived with them, there can be too many unknown issues and I’m not comfortable legally chaining myself to someone without knowing his bad habits at home and how bad they actually are. That being said, I wouldn’t move in with someone (especially if it requires a time commitment with a lease or something) unless we’re engaged.

However, I also don’t do the “wife” schtick (ever), I’m not taking care of a grown man whether we’re engaged, married, living together, whatever.

sushiwalrus · 2020-06-11T23:08:48+00:00

I’m torn. I 100% do not want to cohabitate before marriage, but I have multiple friends who have stated if they moved in with their husbands before marriage they never would have married them. That makes me double think my choice.

enharmonia · 2020-06-11T21:07:33+00:00

I think that it's a good idea to live with somebody before you get married, but I'd be very reluctant to live with somebody before we were engaged.

I've lived with one boyfriend in the past, and it was a miserable experience because of who he was and how he lived. He went from being occasionally rude to legitimately abusive and was constantly gaslighting me (and I mean this in the actual definition of the term, not the hot new way that twitter likes to use it each week). He was drunk almost every night, would do drugs in the house and lie to me about it, and invite girls over to do god knows what, and swear that he didn't despite posting pics on FB of them.

He also insisted on splitting financials 50/50 despite him making more money than me (and spending it on stuff like vidya and beer), while expecting me to do all of the housework and cooking. If I was making dinner and asked if he wanted any, he'd say no at first then change his mind halfway through so I'd either have to start all over or give him half of what I was going to eat or risk being hurt.

HOWEVER...I never would have experienced this side of him if we hadn't lived together. I wanted to move in with him because I thought it was a step forward in our relationship, he just needed a place to live because his lease expired and he was too lazy to find a new place to live. In the future, I would make sure that I really know my partner's true intentions/goals and if I didn't feel for certain that we were heading towards marriage, I wouldn't consider it.

ErikaNaumann · 2020-06-11T17:50:57+00:00

Been there done that. Never again. I don't want anyone in my house.

PinkestMango · 2020-06-11T23:57:18+00:00

Yes, but not for long. Next step is either marriage or moving out. You need to know what he is like around the house and how much of the chores will he just make you do. While engaged I would not give out sex at all.

suspended_animation_ · 2020-06-12T01:48:01+00:00

For me, moving in with my ex right away was dangerous. He went from a gentleman to something inhuman. He immediately bought and put up black curtains over all of the windows of our apartment to make the place look "chic". He felt secure enough to sexually abuse me regularly without the neighbors noticing. After I got myself out of there, that's when I realized why he felt it was important to black out the place.

notochord · 2020-06-12T08:37:00+00:00

Never again unless I have a prenup and a ring.

Suitcase33 · 2020-06-12T10:11:38+00:00

Absolutely not. its men getting the wife experience without the real legal commitment. usually turns into the mom experience actually....

Lady_Schmoobleydong · 2020-06-11T21:50:58+00:00

We were both living at home before we moved in, I refused to move in with him if he had debt. We really wanted to be together and build a home, but he was well aware that I expected to get engaged in short order, after ten months we were engaged, and ten months after that, we got married. It’s all about setting boundaries if premarital cohabitation is on the table. If you think you’re gonna move in to test the waters and be a “cool girlfriend” about it and think you’ll magically get engaged/married, you’re kidding yourself.

Lurkinglarkspur · 2020-06-11T22:43:08+00:00

I've done both- my exhusband and I never lived together before we married, I've lived with my long term partner for several years and I have to say, living together before getting legally involved would have been a very good idea for me before marriage. We lived a few hundred miles apart, and we both worked and were in university so we rarely spent more than a week (once two) in the same space. Had I any idea of what a chaos breeding trash monster that boy was I would have absolutely never married him. He's a good man, but my mental health couldn't withstand spending every second of my time trying to contain his mess only for it to spiral out of control in the time it took me to make dinner. His current wife is much more comfortable with the omnipresent piles and general untidiness he seemingly creates by breathing and I'm glad of it because I could not bear it.
Current partner makes me crazy in other ways and quarantine really has made me reevaluate our relationship. If we weren't living together I would have broken things off by now, but getting some normalcy back and him going back to work has gotten us to a tolerable place.

Educational_Stay · 2020-06-12T03:00:29+00:00

Eh while I can understand this - I personally would never marry someone before living with them. I lived with my husband for almost 2 years before marriage. We moved in at 6 months. We knew then that the goal was marriage. We would have done it sooner but wanted to save money for a decent wedding. And to be honest, it was a test run. As much for my benefit as his.

That being said, we were committed very early on / knew we were compatible- I know if I’d said - no seriously let’s just get married next week he would have been like of course, if it’s that’s important. But we were 25/26, I wasn’t out of school etc and we wanted to do it “right”. Or our version of right.

As in nice ring, proper honeymoon etc.

Anyway I think if there are concrete reasons and a game plan with set goals etc the living together is highly advisable.

It’s very strange to me to consider moving in with someone only *after *being bonded in matrimony. Props to my grandparents for taking the gamble and it paying off but not always the case.

There is so much you learn about living with someone and I’ve heard too many horror stories of startling incompatibilities revealed after marriage.

How will you know how he handles chores? Daily stressors. Long silences. cooking? Sex? Co sleeping. Pet care. Aieee, these factors are too important to me to leave to chance. It’s easier to put a false front up when not living together. Why gamble?

Now the “eternal boyfriend” is another story. Women living with their partners for multiple years with no end in sight is pretty sad.

redfarmmmmm · 2020-06-12T11:44:22+00:00

I did cohabiting for few months due to my lease. Lot if guys write on other subs that they lost interest in their SO romantically after living together. They expect women to be dolled up and be feminine.

Funny story I’m not that diligent and was working alot, so i didnt cook breakfast or dinner. Always ate at my work and took shower in my gym. Domestic stuffs were all on him as i only stayed in my room when at home. He suggested it and i ignored saying i’m busy. He eventually broke it off and i left but i lost nothing from it. Cohabiting can work if you really need financial support and set your boundaries.

ChristianGirl93 · 2020-06-17T21:36:02+00:00

Cohabitating is not practice period, it’s merely a grace period- men get to halt commitment (interest free) for months until you convince them that you’re worth getting married and having a wedding. Sure, it may be a good thing, but I see living with myself as a privilege and if he doesn’t act interested enough to call me his forever in a great celebration where he can show me off, then no dog, that’ll be a no from me

2020-06-11T16:49:47+00:00

Simple: do what you feel that is right.

Title	Cohabiting before marriage?
Author	grand_tiremaster
Upvotes	70
Comments	104
Date	June 11, 2020 10:41 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/h0wvy9/cohabiting_before_marriage/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/cohabiting-before-marriage.673917 https://theredarchive.com/post/673917

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