Men aren’t asking you on coffee dates because they care about your safety or convenience.

AnniaT · 2021-11-21T23:52:01+00:00

Another reason why I think coffee dates are being normalizes is due to online dating People don't meet each other organically anymore nor take time to get each other properly hence why everyone is so luckwarm about everyone and doesn't invest on proper dates.

MyArtPop · 2021-11-22T03:09:15+00:00

Preach!

The vast majority of men these days are cheap. I had a guy bristle at me not offering to pay for dinner last week. We went out to an average-priced (semi-national chain) restaurant. The bill was $100 and he was like, "How about you do $35" and I said, "I don't typically pay on first dates."

And that was also our last date.

SayNad · 2021-11-22T03:09:53+00:00

• He’ll expect sex if he pays for a dinner

Many women fall into the trap of thinking that the problem lies in the "paying the dinner", not realizing that the problem is - you went out with a man who expect sex from you. That's it.

Going out with a man like that, he will expect sex from you anyway even if you do 50/50, go to coffee dates, park dates, laundry dates, hell social distance dates across the street. Even is all he bought you is a 50 cent candy, he still will expect sex from you coz "b-but, you agree to go out on a date with me, so you must want to sleep with me!"

The problem is the man, so cut the man off.

A man who are serious with you will expect nothing other than you show up and enjoy yourself. As hard as that is to believe. So he will pay for dates, concerts, dinners, movies, whatever - because it is not a transaction for him, it is a date.

FedUpwithScotes · 2021-11-21T20:14:05+00:00

I’ve even heard LVM comment that OLD is better than prostitution because it’s cheaper. That’s what the coffee date is to these men. Never accept such a low effort “date.”

VesperLynd- · 2021-11-21T20:39:19+00:00

Coffee dates are cheap so even someone with little income can afford to date many women at the same time in hopes of getting to take her home. Dinner or similarly elaborate dates show that he’s probably only focusing on you and thus show he most likely has an actual interest in you. I like coffee and going to get one with friends but for a date I’d just think he keeps me in a rotation and that’s not what we should accept.

aoi4eg · 2021-11-22T07:03:07+00:00

Also, from a personal experience, he can try and choose a small coffee place in a busy part of town and when there are, expectedly, no free tables, he'll suggest a nice walk in a nearby park and that you can get your coffee to go.

staywiththecrown · 2021-11-21T22:00:39+00:00

Some won't even pay for your coffee, embarrassingly enough (ask me how I know 🤡). A few told me they "already had coffee" before we met up or that they "don't drink coffee". I had my cool girl smile and paid for my own coffee, so I paid to waste my time with total clown shit. I won't fall for that shit ever again!

msssst · 2021-11-22T11:48:45+00:00

Amen.

One of the first and last coffee dates in my life was when I took a train and bus to Notting Hill from Ealing to meet with a guy who lived next door to the cafe for coffee.

He looked v smug when he paid £2 for my latte and I had to thank him for it. After a one hour date I traveled another 1.5hrs home. When I got home I received a text to say he had a nice time but only looking for casual sex as was recently out of a relationship.

Emotions, disappointment, train fare aside I had wasted 4 hours of my time and energy for a £2 coffee. Never again. Thank god restrictions have lifted and LVM can’t ask you to coffee / walks under the guise of Covid.

🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡

EmilyEggplant · 2021-11-22T14:24:10+00:00

The idea of "I *implicitly* owe him sex because he paid for dinner" is one of the most degrading and insecure ways a woman can think of herself. The average respectable dinner date place is around 50-80 bucks a person. If a guy on the street came up to you and tried to give you $50 to have sex with him, would you do it?

arnezuara · 2021-11-21T20:57:09+00:00

If a man is really into you, he will do his best to make the right impression:

• he will plan dates according to your tastes and interests;

• he will pay for everything;

• if need be, he will travel far and long to see you;

• he will stay consistent, respectful, and courteous;

• he will be thoughtful and attentive to ensure that you feel comfortable and safe;

A HVM will do all of the above simply because that is his default. He will understand that he will get as much enjoyment out of courtship as will you out being courted.

ceramicunicorn · 2021-11-21T20:34:51+00:00

They are not even dates. I have never successfully built chemistry on these or “walk dates” because they are so low effort and casual, no one is actually invested....but there is an awkwardness, because we feel we need to put in an hour of time as we are calling it a “date” and honestly just assigning way too much weight to what is essentially (for the woman, anyway)....

....vetting sessions. After all, never have I ever been offered just a coffee date by a man who I met in the wild and we had a chance to suss each other out in person...it’s defo an OLD thing. If you must do OLD, why not just do the vetting over FaceTime? There is a reason jobs have phone interviews prior to in-person ones. Just doing the vetting session over the phone will save soooo much time.

ETA: I also often got the impression that men lost respect for me- or at least, there felt no chance in gaining it- when I accepted these dates.

ro0ibos2 · 2021-11-21T21:07:51+00:00

My last date initially suggested we go for a walk. I told him that wasn’t a good idea with the cold weather. So he chose a Starbucks—with no seating. Only choice was to walk around and find somewhere to go indoors. He kept saying we should walk to his apartment...

This is not the first time I had a date want to go to a seatless Starbucks and go for a walk. I don’t get it.

Randomdrifter183 · 2021-11-22T11:06:37+00:00

I don’t understand how some women say they don’t like dinner dates because they don’t know when they end or are to much pressure but are okay with coffee or drinking dates.

With a dinner date it ends when you finish your food. Whether that be after your main course or dessert. It’s an obvious close to the date. However with coffee of drinking dates there’s is no definite end.

So we get coffee and I drink it in like 15mins because I like coffee. Now what? I don’t think I’ve gotten to know you, so we order another coffee so the caffeine can shake up my nerves further or we go for a walk? Back to yours? Nah hard pass please

Or worse a drink date …. How long does that last? When the club/bar closes? When I can’t walk straight? When your too horny? If you want to leave a drink date early you have to wait for the opportunity for an excuse to leave or just disappear. Making for a lot more pressure since your never really sure when the ‘date’ will end.

Just my thoughts.

Villanelloh · 2021-11-22T10:13:08+00:00

men think they are sooooo oppressed because they are "forced" into paying for the first date. As soon as he starts complaining or tries negotating for a 50/50 split just press block.

Equal-Ear2312 · 2021-11-22T10:48:25+00:00

• It’s quick and casual

aka it's cheap and demands zero commitment from him.

Mcccy · 2021-11-21T21:22:43+00:00

Sorry but as a bi woman I'd rather dIe than having to ask a woman I like for a coffee/Walk date.

Not only I'll look cheap, but it's like I'm saying "I don't care about you enough to take you on a nice date, also let's split the bill or let me pay your 2$ coffee" :)

Men know that as well, if they genuinely like you they'll take you on a nice date.

Noemie_Mathilde · 2021-11-22T11:06:19+00:00

A walk date is a damn sight less safe than a dinner date. If you're worried about safety get a burly male relative to drop you off and pick you up. I'm thinking of starting such a business "The Burly Male Relative Chauffeur Service". You will be transported in luxury by a driver (your choice of Jason Momoa or The Rock) who provides bonus "Don't fuck with her" glares at the direction of your date.

Lost_Kale90 · 2021-11-21T20:20:13+00:00

It's a numbers game for men. They are trying to put out as little effort as possible (a shit test, if you will) to secure what they want from a woman.

LittleSnackPack58 · 2021-11-21T22:30:01+00:00

Would they take their dream woman out on a coffee date? Angelina Jolie/megan Fox in their prime, no they wouldn't. Men put a lot of effort when they ask out a woman they really like/feel attracted to. Don't allow yourself to be 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc best. You are the dream woman.

modernmedusaa · 2021-11-22T12:18:21+00:00

Maybe men should be more fussy, get some respect and stop being a horn dog

They will go on 27 random dates with women they don't care about then complain women are 'using them' to shield their ego from the fact 27 women thought they were so intolerable they didn't want to see them again

If they can't even get through a first date without putting their foot in it...good lord.....guarantee they're too pornsick to function

Like scrote who is forcing you to harass all those women on dating apps...no one...you're the desperate one shooting your shot with any and everyone trying to get a quick lay

USING you?

hAahahahaha you are using yourself loser- you're the one going on 27 failed dates

Most women have better things to do than get negged by moron thirsty men in exchange for coffee & sterile sex

If 27 women are rejecting you in a row YOU are the problem...YOU are too thirsty, pornsick and cheap

A man with real options would be fussy and offer her a proper date- not desperately shoot his shot with 27 different women at a time

The types of men throwing coffee date offers are cheap, broke, insecure, selfish and struggling for options- perpetual desperate rejects....I have no idea why pickmeisha's think cheap men will treat them better

They will throw a coffee date offer at several women a week and are just waiting for one to bite...then when that's over and they don't respect her for sleeping with them fast....they will start the cycle all over again

modern-medusa · 2021-11-21T23:24:21+00:00

Coffee is similar to an errands. I'll grab one while doing my running around, before I go to the nail salon, while I wait for an appointment...it's not a date. I've done coffee with my girlfriends when we were say, waiting for our movie to start or something. Same as walking - I have a dog. I walk twice a day and go to the gym - I only have so much energy 🤣

c_a_t_lady · 2021-11-22T11:37:01+00:00

the cost of $5 (assuming they pay for your coffee)

Based on what I've heard, they don't. 🤭

Even pre-FDS I wouldn't have been able to see a coffee/a drink "date" as an actual date. I've some sort of strong association with getting a cup of coffee to platonic relationships, probably because that was a common activity for me and my friends (or family members) to always do growing up.

So if somebody would've asked me out for a cup of coffee (I only got to a legal drinking age around the time I found FDS, so drinking date wouldn't even have been possible back then), even if they would've called it a date, I couldn't have helped but to start to see them in platonic lightning.

For some reason, my mind needs some sort of concrete separation between a platonic meeting and a date (at least for the first dates), basically, something that would separate the meeting from meeting my friends (like them putting in more effort, setting something up or paying for a dinner/an activity or whatever).

rlcute · 2021-11-22T09:44:15+00:00

The women defending coffee dates need to listen to the podcast episode "Walk dates are for dogs" at least 10 times.

I'm NOT about spending 1-2 hours getting dolled up just so a scrote can spend $3 on me. Low investment = low reward. I'm showing up in jeans and a hoodie with no makeup. And I refuse to lower myself like that and therefore I refuse coffee "dates".

Having a coffee is what you do with friends; not with a potential romantic partner.

A HVM will not expect sex if you go to dinner. If a scrote expects sex... so what? You're not going to have sex with him anyway and if he exhibits that behaviour you dump him.

You can also just get up and leave. And there is no pressure. That's all in your head. I don't understand that mind set. You're not paying for dinner so why wouldn't you be able to just get up and leave? You don't owe him anything. He pays for dinner and in return he gets your company and the effort you put in to dolling yourself up. I adjust my effort according to his effort. That's how we return the favour. Men just shower and get dressed whilst we do our makeup, hair, nails and carefully coordinate an outfit.

That's a lot of time and effort on our part so it better be worth it. It also costs a lot of money. Why would I use my $50 setting powder on a $3 date? The amount of products used would cost more than the date itself. My foundation costs $40 so if I use 3 pumps how many $ is that?

My most recent date took me to a very nice restaurant that requires booking. He made sure my glass of water was always full, and we shared a bottle of sake and he refilled my glass when it was empty (which was difficult to see because the glass was black stone). I wore something that showed a bit of cleavage but he looked me in the eyes the whole time. He paid (without even physically hinting at anything else) and then he paid for my taxi ride home (he had offered to drive but I don't want him to know where I live yet).

That's what I expect. I'm not getting dolled up for anything less. I do accept drink dates but that's because I live in a country where drinks are easily $12, and I expect dinner to be involved at some point.

Men invite women on coffee "dates" and walk "dates" because they don't want to invest, AND most likely they're plating a lot of other women and they'd go broke if they took them all to actual dates. If they're not willing to treat you as a potential lifelong romantic partner from the beginning then how will they treat you five years down the line? They won't even take you to a coffee "date". You'll be sat at home wanting to go out on dates but he already reeled you in with the lowest effort possible, so he has no standards to live up to.

Women shouldn't accept "casual dates". "Casual date" is an oxymoron. There is nothing casual about interviewing a potential romantic partner. And if they suggest a coffee or walk "date" then they're not even getting called in for the interview.

plomerst · 2021-11-21T21:55:56+00:00

I went on one coffee date pre FDS with an artist/poet lmao. His dad was a famous scholar too. How cliche. He at least chose a nice coffee shop but he finished his espresso in mere minutes then asked for a sample of my latte (we poured it into his little cup). I mean I looked cute and took an uber from my 2k/month apartment for not even a full latte. I cringe!

Japanese-Spaghetti · 2021-11-22T01:07:47+00:00

Most people get coffee in hoodies and sweatpants anyway. Anywhere that doesn’t require me to dress up to the nines is not a date in my opinion. Any place “casual” is for friends only

fogplum · 2021-11-22T17:17:02+00:00

Dstar538888 · 2021-12-12T16:48:12+00:00

I had 3 dudes suggesting either coffee or drinks as a first date even though it specifically says in my profile that I like to go out to lunch, I unmatched all of them without a word....they want to see how low your standards are...

BedazzledSwashbuckle · 2021-11-22T16:19:30+00:00

I've done "coffee dates" - but they weren't dates. They were quick meets (usually set up by friends, back in the pre-OLD days) to see if there was chemistry. They were always going to be 30 minutes or less. They were always sandwiched between other outings. If no chemistry, you shook hands and moved on. If chemistry, the guy promptly scheduled another, proper date on another day (and you would of course move it to a day that worked for your busy calendar) so he could plan it and make a solid effort at impressing you.

TLDR: Coffee dates aren't dates. they're face-to-faces to see if there's chemistry. If yes, move to "Go", collect your real date.

fingernmuzzle · 2021-11-24T10:53:56+00:00

How do you politely decline an invitation to “get coffee” and let them know a dinner date is your minimum expectation? I’d like some scripting please ✏️📋

Scoobyginger25 · 2021-11-22T15:36:26+00:00

What if they ask you for dinner and then I suggest coffee for the first one?? Just to see if I like them?

A whole dinner really stresses me the hell out. I don’t think it’s because I’m a cheap and easy date.

Title	Men aren’t asking you on coffee dates because they care about your safety or convenience.
Author	Vmchik
Upvotes	535
Comments	84
Date	November 21, 2021 8:08 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qz3879/men_arent_asking_you_on_coffee_dates_because_they/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/men-arent-asking-you-on-coffee-dates-because-they.1087291 https://theredarchive.com/post/1087291

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