Thoughts on SMBC? (single mother by choice or some form of co-parenting with a male friend)

ferociouslycurious · 2021-09-12T20:50:56+00:00

Do NOT coparent with a male friend. Parenting is hard, and will turn the best of friendships. If you think through all the logistics of being a single mother, by all means do that through a sperm bank.

NeedMoreCoffee15 · 2021-09-12T16:58:32+00:00

I would say definitely do not do this with a male friend or someone you know… go the sperm bank route. What kind of single man is HV enough to create and raise a child with, but not HV enough to earn your love and trust and commitment? While some separated couples are capable of coparenting quite well, it’s still not easy. If you want to go the single mother route, I think you’d be better off having sole decision making power rather than taking a chance on a friend who may not be a good coparent down the road. Plus, if you do decide to date as a single mother, you won’t have to worry about the potential complications that can arise in coparenting situations.

warinmymind94 · 2021-09-12T21:59:41+00:00

One of my teachers was a SMBC she was a high value woman and never married and stopped dating. She was very kind and many of the students really liked her.

She adopted 2 daughters from an impoverished country when they were really little and raised them. Her daughters were really lovely and grew up to be successful, thriving, high value women. They have a good relationship with their mom.

I am 26 now and with my 30s coming up I can see where you are coming from. I haven't had any luck with dating and I have really been working on myself, healed, got on my own 2 feet, and I have so much to offer, yet I hardly find anyone worthy of actually sitting through a first date with.

I wanted to share my teacher's story with you because she was able to do it and she really loved her kids and they brought her so much joy and they really loved her as well. It can be done! I would just advise to keep thinking about it and make sure you're really secure with a good career and good place to live and save up money so if you decide to do it that you're able to without having a financial strain.

AAlegend8 · 2021-09-12T17:40:38+00:00

100% if I could I would have saved the over $100 000 and counting that I spent/am spending on lawyer fees fighting my children’s deadbeat dad, and put it towards a sperm bank and child care. I regret procreating with my ex daily.

misscyansiren · 2021-09-12T16:54:56+00:00

A male friend???? Unless you want to endanger your children, don't do that.

LurkForYourLives · 2021-09-13T03:54:20+00:00

I’m a solo mother of two, via a clinic. I’ve managed without any immediate or extended family. It’s been tough but gets easier every month the older they get.

Definitely worth doing. You’ll be modelling excellent adult skills and relationship skills to your children.

There are some really active FB groups depending on which country you’re in. Our local SMBC group has fortnightly catch-ups and the children are all friends. We’ve found about 50 families so far in an extended area of about 200,000. Each of my children have a fellow donor child in their classes.

PixiesGem · 2021-09-12T17:44:32+00:00

What benefit is it to you to tie yourself to a man unnecessarily? If you want a child do it but do it on your terms and never trust a male friend to actually follow through with anything at all. Male friends are almost always your friend because he thinks he might be able to have sex with you one day. It would not be unusual for him to use his child with you to manipulate you into a relationship you dont want. If you deny him the relationship it will hurt his ego and he will use that child to get back at you.

lilac-hiraeth · 2021-09-12T17:37:46+00:00

Someone I love very much; who is a fantastic woman, who helped my mother raise me, adopted her friends baby (her friend passed away shortly after she gave birth). She loves being a SMBC!

Like my mother, my Nanny gave up men around the same time my mom did about 30 years ago. My mom and my Nanny never looked back and my mother forged a team of her closest female friends to help raise me and my siblings and my Nanny’s nieces. I was living some Practical Magic type shit growing up.

You don’t need a man to help raise a child. You just need a good community of friends! Do it!

The only thing is warn about coparenting is that, what happens if he decides to start a family with someone one day. Will he still be a dedicated father? What if his future partner gets involved and adds drama and negativity to your child’s life?

proletaricat_ · 2021-09-12T17:54:45+00:00

Honestly, once I discovered that single people can become foster parents & that sometimes you can go the foster-to-adopt route, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.

I’m a bit different in that I don’t want babies, dreaded the thought of being pregnant, and didn’t want to pass on certain hereditary issues, but still - I want children. Having my biological clock ticking and worrying about my fertility window closing and how I had to find somebody to have a kid with soon was stressful and stifling.

If you want biological children on your own terms without the pressure of having to find a partner, I think going the sperm bank route is a good alternative. I am fairly sure the good ones also vet the men and don’t just let any random guy from the street come donate. They have to have some biological advantageous traits.

I would definitely shy away from getting your sperm donation from somebody you know, for multiple reasons. Do you know that man’s medical history? What happens if the man decides he wants to be involved in the child’s life? What happens if you want to co-parent and he changes his mind about wanting any involvement? He can terminate his parental rights. What happens if he wants more custody and control than you planned on? What if he falls in love with your through the process and uses his emotions to try to manipulate you into a relationship? You have a child with this man who has parental rights and he can sue for more custody or try to poison the child against you.

Additionally - what happens to your child’s psychological wellbeing if they know who their father is, and barring a co-parenting situation (which is dangerous for many reasons) they then also know their father doesn’t want them or care enough about them to be involved? If you explain it’s because you didn’t want any involvement from their father, then how do you explain why you wanted to deprive your child of their father even though he is close by and knows the child is his?

In a sperm bank question, it’s more of an, “I wanted to have a child so much that I went this route, and you are very wanted and loved,” type situation than an, “I wanted to have a child so much that I had a child with a man I know but didn’t want him involved in your life for reasons,” situation. One of those has implications that although their father is known to all parties, he doesn’t care enough to try to find a way to be involved in their life.

It’s a recipe for disaster for you and the child.

sewingmachinesavior · 2021-09-12T20:42:00+00:00

I would 100% be a single mother by choice, if I had it to do over again. Having NVM as a co-parent has been the worst, most painful experience of my life. Do NOT have a baby with a “friend”. Just fly solo.

kerean1997 · 2021-09-12T16:53:37+00:00

I've honestly thought about just getting an IVF if I really want a baby in the future and raising them by myself. I'm positive I won't want a baby but in case I do want one for some reason later down the line, I'm not gonna search for a man to do that business.

Turbulent_Trifle · 2021-09-13T01:02:56+00:00

You need to be OK with providing and prepared to provide a safe, comfortable environment to raise your child in without the help of anyone else. And honestly thats less of a headache than anything else you suggested.

Once you have a child, they will become the centre of your life. Ultimately I don't think that raising a young child and dating are compatible.

Your child should have healthy male role models, but that doesn't mean bringing in some half-baked parenting arrangement with a guy that's doing his own thing & living his own life separately from you. All that does is tell your kid that men are entitled to half-assed arrangements when it comes to them.

That being said, if you meet someone who you are compatible with after having a child, then just expect to carve out some time to safely establish a secure relationship with that person.

Also, there is the element of environmental disruption to consider. Children find changes to their environment very unsettling, so by the point you can even make them aware that you have a man, you and that man pretty much have to be engaged.

Simply due to the fact that being a mother is a very busy time, I would suggest for you to put dating on the back burner for at least the first five years.

vbych76 · 2021-09-13T04:06:21+00:00

Just think about that -in case something happens to you, (you get terminally ill or you die) the"male friend"would be the next in line to raise your child and no contract can change that, unless is mandated by court, as opposed to the IV option, where you can select the person/people that will raise your child in this occasion.

This means their future will be in the hands of someone they probably don't know. Also all the assets you have, that your child will eventually inherit from you, would go in the hands of the legal guardian, so some kind of trust fund should be drafted with a lawyer. Otherwise you are putting a target on the back of your future child - encouraging that "male friend" to manipulate and leech of of them. And God forbid they have to make medical decisions for the child. We all know that NOT All men can't be trusted to do something right. Another thing- in case you use the sperm from that "friend", are you 100% sure that they will disclose all relevant medical information, including hereditary diseases that run in their family, they know of? And what if he has some genetic condition, that causes male infertility or has a low sperm count? Will you waste another few years until you find another "male friend", that you consider HV to be the father of your child?

dancedancedance7 · 2021-09-12T23:05:34+00:00

If you are financially well off and believe you can provide the opportunities your future child deserves by yourself, why not. Many women end up single mothers anyway, and it turns out fine.

I think whether it's a good idea with a male friend really depends on the friend. Sperm banks are often a smarter choice because you have sole say over the child's upbringing. There are no good legal protections in place for ensuring that kind of freedom if you choose a male friend.

frustratedmarxistfem · 2021-09-12T18:22:27+00:00

If you're set on a male friend, I'd actually suggest a gay male friend or gay couple. This could give you the dynamic you want while also eliminating the potential concerns over a single male. There would still be someone else with rights over your child though, so that could be a concern, but if you share custody with a gay man/couple that would also alleviate some of the burden.

Being a single mom is very hard. I would highly highly suggest you not do it unless you are strongly sure that you have an excellent support network and can afford it.

jupitarianrise · 2021-09-12T19:38:35+00:00

I don't believe men can be real/good friends to women. That would be a hard no from me.

neon_skelton · 2021-09-13T00:12:51+00:00

I have looked into this and have found a sperm donor that I wish to use next year.

I would be open to co-parenting with a single gay male or gay male couple, but the ones that I have spoken to aren’t looking for that arrangement.

glitterandspark · 2021-09-12T17:44:22+00:00

I feel torn on this. SMBC benefits the mom, almost exclusively. It’s a complete toss up whether the child will grow up to feel the same or carry some resentment and face struggles. There is a benefit to having two parents in some form, whether that second parent is a bio/step, grandparent or another mother/father figure.

BlueSkiesOverLondon · 2021-09-14T03:52:27+00:00

Honestly, I’d be careful. Others have mentioned parenting with a friend (especially a male friend IMO) is a bad idea and why, so I’ll just tackle being a SMBC.

I’m not saying it can’t work, but it’s an uphill battle, and depending on how much money you make/have in savings, what leave policies exist where you live, and just the economy in general, it can be nigh-on impossible. The modern economy is set up for two-income families, by and large. I’m not trying to shame your choice, I just think that, similar to being a SAHM, this is the kind of plan that requires a ton of resources, amazing planning, a willingness to sacrifice a lot of other things in your lifestyle, and a healthy risk tolerance.

One things to consider if you are doing IVF is that is much easier to do if you are still young. I know this is obvious, but it still bears considering, since you are trying to be deliberate and not just wait around until your fertility window is closing. If you’re certain about this plan, consider an earlier start date (as circumstances and your preferences permit). Another thing to consider is that IVF has a higher incidence of multiples (twins etc). You need to have a plan for what you will do if that happens to you.

One way to potentially avoid the issues of IVF is to adopt. There are define advantages—you avoid the strain of pregnancy, fighting for your rights before and after the birth, and the stress IVF puts on your body. Plus, you can adopt an older child—they are much less sought after than infants, thus easier to get, they are already intelligent and articulate, and you’d be doing a wonderful thing. However, adopted kids have their own struggles, older adopted kids especially. It’s not easy.

It is also important to consider who your child’s main male role model will be. They will need one, unfortunately, especially if you have a son. I really don’t think it should be a friend. Male friends are far too unreliable. Ideally, it would be a male relative who lives near you, your father or brother. But if you don’t have one lined up, you can still look to cultivate that relationship with teachers, clergymen, etc. just vet vet vet—you don’t want wishful thinking to put your kid in harm’s way.

I do worry that one of the main reasons listed in your post seems to be that you think being a SMBC will give you control over the child and his/her environment. It will give you MORE control, and it’s infinitely preferable to parenting with a NVM. But you can’t really control your child’s growth or their environment with certainty. Ultimately, regardless of how you decorate your home or how supportive the environment there is, the chaos and negativity id the rest of society will seep of somehow :(. I was quite parentified as a kid and ended up partly “raising” and sibling, and it was a very humbling and sobering experience how little of my best intentions made an impact.

fg_hj · 2021-09-17T11:07:41+00:00

My male friend never had a dad. We talked about the consequences of not having a dad and he said he thinks he turned out well because he didn’t have one. The reason being that a dad will spoon feed you with masculine ideals which may not be healthy. Whereas without a close male role model you look at other males for guidance but you will be more critical to them due to not being intrinsicly close to them. You watch them and think “would I want to follow his lead?”

But not all boys can be critical.

I think it made a lot of sense. The important thing for a boy is not to have a dad to teach him, it’s not even to have involved males in his life. What matters is that the men who are a part of his life are genuinely good people who set a good example by treating women well.

This fits the studies Lundy Brancroft sites in his book that shows that the strongest correlation there is for a man to turn abusive is if he had bad male role models.

Determinedblonde · 2021-09-12T16:42:02+00:00

Why not? 🙂 would your family help you?

basicbagels · 2021-09-15T21:22:20+00:00

My mom was a HVW who was a single parent by choice. She was an amazing lady who gave me every opportunity in the world and I took advantage of all of them. Yes, it will be extremely tough at times but if you want a kid and you have planned/ready for it, don’t let lack of a scrote stop you

Title	Thoughts on SMBC? (single mother by choice or some form of co-parenting with a male friend)
Author	europoor24
Upvotes	173
Comments	50
Date	September 12, 2021 4:28 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/pmvw3f/thoughts_on_smbc_single_mother_by_choice_or_some/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/thoughts-on-smbc-single-mother-by-choice-or-some.1069087 https://theredarchive.com/post/1069087

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