Why am I doing things to make myself more attractive when at the end of the day, men are still going to look at other women anyway?

Geocities_SEO_Expert · 2022-02-06T01:49:54+00:00

I personally just try to look clean, neat, and tidy. I gave up on "sexy" years ago. I spent years dressing for men, and it got me nothing positive. I cleaned out my closet and storage bins, and donated trash bags full of years of cute, fussy "date" clothes. I now only buy things for the me who exists right now, things I know I can use and truly enjoy regularly, without any stress.

FI-REfox · 2022-02-05T23:54:24+00:00

If you purchased them to "better your appearance", then the question you should ask is "better for whom?".

If it's not better for you, then return them and spend your hard-earned money on things that make you happy instead. Women as a class spend too much of their lives working to make themselves more enjoyable to others.

CokeMooch · 2022-02-06T00:17:40+00:00

Because you have that male gaze lens inside your very head, as do we all—the way we’re constantly aware of how we walk, talk, look, etc. It’s from media/society. And it’s so easy to have low self-esteem, and that can warp your sense of self even more so you become frustrated trying popular beauty and fashion trends and thinking, “Why tf do I even try? I look gross/stupid/ridiculous.” But you keep doing it to appease the “audience” in your head so to speak.

At least, that’s my experience idk. It’s gonna sound cliche but just stop, fr. Wear comfortable shit, try to be comfortable in your own skin. Don’t force yourself to adhere to any rituals or trends. Accept yourself for who you are. If you’re really feeling yourself, buy clothes and things that play up YOUR shape and YOUR tastes. When you appreciate yourself others will as well.

elainejay82 · 2022-02-06T00:02:03+00:00

I was thinking about this topic the other day, how many many men think we are here on earth simply to be their eye candy.

Guess what? You don't have to sign yourself up for that. You can simply opt out.

Do what you want to do with your looks and understand that fully catering to the male gaze pretty much only gets you preyed upon. It's one thing to be put together and nice looking for yourself, your family, your job but it's a whole other thing to spend money hoping you get picked because of your looks. You have all the power in the world to get yourself out of that trap, so exercise it.

Also, a man who respects you won't check other women out in front of you and will consistently make you feel like the MOST attractive woman in the world. I've lived it and they are definitely out there, so do not settle for bs.

Pryras · 2022-02-06T00:10:53+00:00

Male validation really means nothing so “beautifying” yourself for it is pointless and a waste of time / resources.

Like makeup? Try investing more into skincare and keeping your skin feeling healthy and fresh. Workout so you can feel strong and feel more comfortable in the clothes you like.

I look better than I ever did but have no plans on finding a man. I love looking good for myself and setting a good impression with other women. Men will literally stare at children so any attention from them is really bottom of the barrel.

melympia · 2022-02-05T23:53:57+00:00

Well, the question is why you want to make yourself more attractive.

I know one woman who is not only old, very much overweight, but also disabled and in constant pain. She's most definitely not in a relationship, nor trying to get into one. And yet, she enjoys her special underwear just for herself.

Me? I very recently (like a week or two ago) started with hairstyles. Because I'm just fed up with always the same pony tail, the same one updo I could do. And I enjoy experimenting with different updos, since my hair is (once again) long enough for them, yet too long to keep open all the time. (Never mind that I can't wear my hair openly when on the job.) I'm not even looking for a partner, I do it just because I enjoy it.

That being said, you come across as if you're in a slump right now. Are you feeling okay?

gingerandlime · 2022-02-06T00:47:56+00:00

Just here to reinforce that kind, respectful men do exist. Ogling women openly is an immature jerk’s game.

If what you’ve bought doesn’t make you feel good in your skin, sure, return it and keep exploring what makes you feel good. Massage? Bubble bath? Perfume? Manicures? A cup of tea and a few minutes to yourself in the afternoon? Heck, totally different clothes that weren’t bought with the intent of making a theoretical awful man act better?

You’ll figure it out. Be gentle with yourself.

The_Cat_Empress · 2022-02-06T15:56:22+00:00

You do you Queen.

Women spend way too much money on nails, waxing, botox, lingerie and other crap and it's honestly annoying.

I was just thinking how men never once shaved their legs and yet they are seen as worthy of love and respect and when women don't shave? Oh well, she's a gross unwashed feminist.

The double standard is what did it in for me honestly.

karabnp · 2022-02-06T03:01:15+00:00

Truthfully, I like all of my variety of girly crap for solely myself.😂

I love having a million of everything, having options. Clothes, makeup, shoes, jewelry, handbags, all manner of accessories. I love it ALL.

Sometimes, I go makeupless and dress in solid tanks and leggings, and sometimes I go full on done up. Just depends on my mood at the time/for the day. That all being for a man never crosses my mind. All of my girly crap is for ME to enjoy.🥂

xfelugirlx · 2022-02-06T02:06:27+00:00

Well you are still in the mentality of needing male validation, you need to think if you are really happy with the things you do or buy. I buy colourful makeup that men hate because they are always “natural is better” but it makes ME happy. That’s it

East-Willingness513 · 2022-02-06T01:42:14+00:00

I do things for the female gaze. If men didn’t exist, I’d 100% dress like Maddie from euphoria, Cher from clueless, the girls from the craft, Fran from the nanny, Elle from legally blonde etc.

I dress down in because I don’t want guys creeping on me or making fun of me.

jugularlemonade · 2022-02-05T23:50:54+00:00

I get this. Are there things that make you happy to wear though? I used to buy things that were tight fitting and for the male gaze because my ex complained about some of the clothes I had (by comparing me to his ex). But now I buy things that I like that men don’t necessarily like at all, like clothing made from natural fabrics and fun dresses that aren’t always form fitting but are super comfortable. I get compliments from women on my clothing more than I used to

millennialpink2000 · 2022-02-06T02:44:32+00:00

Giving up dating has been wondrous for this. I used to put cute yoga pants on if I needed to pop out for errands. Now? I'll go out in sweatpants to dine alone. As I figure, guys don't approach you in person anyways, so what's the point in trying to look cute? Now, I feel like they don't even deserve to look at me. They'll get sweatpants unless I feel like dressing differently. I do have my usual make up on, because that makes me feel like myself

ferociouslycurious · 2022-02-06T01:34:59+00:00

Yeah, only buy what you want for YOU. Not for how you look to others (with reasonable exceptions for employment/career…..I cannot go to work in sweats, though sometimes yoga pants look legitimately professional in my setting). I have comfortable bras I like how I look in, etc. Silk is super comfortable but screw satin. It’s not for anyone else except me. And now I’m busy debating a new gas fireplace insert…..

pipeuptopipedown · 2022-02-06T06:17:35+00:00

Some of you might find the sub dedicated to 'old hag fashion' interesting. Mostly women, putting together different looks and expressing their creativity through fashion -- with nary a thought for the male gaze.

wonkyeyes8877 · 2022-02-06T17:15:19+00:00

I have been struggling with this recently too. I think to myself "why bother working out and eating healthy if it's all to look good for males who I can never trust and am afraid of anyway?"

So I have been trying to switch things around and frame them differently. I eat healthy foods because junk food is low quality and I don't want that in my body all the time. It's not good enough for me. And I exercise so I can be stronger and that will give me an advantage if I ever need to fight. Also, I want to live a long and healthy life so I can help the younger generations of women take over the planet.

warinmymind94 · 2022-02-06T06:11:34+00:00

I have struggled with this so much, wondering really is that new outfit or new makeup for MY confidence or to actually still pander to the male gaze? sure, it does make me feel confident to wear a flattering outfit even new underwear can make me feel fresh and confident, it does make me feel confident to have my hair done rather than having poor hygiene and having jus rolled out of bed ion my pjs - but I wonder does that confidence come from knowing that subconsciously I look better for male viewers?

so much of society since we were born tells us as little girls that we have to be "ladylike" that we have to have hair, makeup, nails, outfits, heels, etc so we can have "worth"... so I started wearing more basic outfits and I stopped doing my makeup ...

the more I started running errands in jeans and blouses with little or no makeup the more I realized... men STILL oogle and approach me just as much as when I was all dolled up, and honestly I started feeling just as confident

but then I realized that TRUE confidence came from just being hygienic and groomed (the basics of wearing clean, non wrinkled clothes, washing my face, brushing my hair and teeth, being showered, and spritzing on a perfume) AND from being on this healing journey

im never advocating to be low value and to be a dirty, slob in messy clothes... but you should be able to feel confident alone bu just being clean and in a casual outfit

Anti_Drama · 2022-02-06T03:17:11+00:00

I don't know if anyone will read this comment but I will say it anyway. Some of my thoughts and behaviors seem kind of out of character for me. I have been on a medication for several months and I think it has increased my libido. Most people welcome this side effect, but for me it's terrible. Not only has it increased but I feel like my morals are not the same. I am weaning off of it but scared of withdrawal. I'm tired of feeling like I could hump something all day long. It's too distracting. It might be behind my recent surge in wanting to "sexify" myself for no apparent reason. It's not that it's wrong to do it provided it's not for the wrong reasons, but I don't want it to cause my morals to change either.

__kamikaze__ · 2022-02-06T02:25:11+00:00

I think this is a situation where you have to do what makes you happy.

Personally I would continue to groom myself, wear makeup, and dress up in a world where men don’t exist. I take pride in my appearance and derive self satisfaction from it, so I don’t believe these things exist solely for the male gaze.

Women also enjoy looking at other women regardless of their sexuality—whether it’s to admire their style or killer cleavage lol. We are the real “visual creatures”.

all_or_nothing_bet · 2022-02-06T18:10:55+00:00

Your problem is that you still seek male validation. Sort this out, and only then will you be able to take care of yourself truly for yourself.

DivineGoddess1111111 · 2022-02-06T00:29:30+00:00

I'm working on levelling up in my career so that is one area where I will wear make-up and nice clothes.

I also do it for me. It helps my self esteem if I feel healthy and well groomed.

Spraytyasha · 2022-02-06T04:33:55+00:00

Totally understand what you mean. I used to dress exclusively for others (not just men, for my girlfriends too, always taking into consideration if they will approve of my outfit). And it was so exhausting because well, I was uncomfortable most of the time, and even though I got some praise/attention it wasn't enough. Imagine putting in so much time, effort and money into something and all you get is one person saying "Cute".

This is going to sound quite stupid but one time I bought this top that was not my usual style but I fell in love with it. And when I didn't get praise for it, I didn't even care because I loved how warm the fabric made me feel.

Basically, what I'm saying is - next time you go shopping, look for things that make you feel comfortable. When you're on the internet, notice which trends/clothes actually interest you.

Men are going to look at you AND other women but you'll stop caring about that.

Meredeen · 2022-02-06T03:11:05+00:00

Keeping up an appearance doesn't have to be exhausting, it can be self care. OP, you do what makes you happy. I like wearing pretty earrings, ornate and cute, because I dislike putting a lot of effort into my appearance. I still get lots of compliments and I don't even wear makeup. I like my earrings because they make me feel cute. I paint my nails even though they're short because I have fun with it. If you're not having a good time with keeping it up then you should take an honest look at yourself and figure out what version of self care it is that you like.

PalmTreePhilosophy · 2022-02-06T08:24:04+00:00

I'm in a similar boat to you but I have to put make up on so that I don't get abuse from guys about how I look, so it's a survival thing. Beyond that I'm asking myself if I need to dress up. Once I stopped wanting to be validated by men, I stopped bothering.

Men will always look at other women but some will just do it very discreetly. You'll still see it, though, because they're obvious dolts.

It really depends on what your priorities are. I read your comment about being super horny in the tablets you're taking so that obviously won't help things. That will make you want to attract men. The period phase of the menstrual cycle does this to me but I don't act on it. Even masturbation feels like a waste of time so going out of my way to attract a man with clothing isn't rewarding to me.

I read some comments about how you will attract men no matter what you wear but that is only true for good looking girls. Some of us are not good looking and so sexiness is our only way in. It makes things a tad more difficult as a starting point for a relationship but it's not impossible but I digress. You didn't ask about relationships. Again, what are your priorities?

I feel like once you've weaned yourself off the horny tablets you'll be in a better position to answer that question.

spinsterchachkies · 2022-02-06T16:52:25+00:00

There is some truth in this.

True: At the end of the day we will grow old, so they will stop loving us anyways. No matter how beautiful we are they will cheat on us.

Take men out of the equation.
Fall in love with yourself. Stop TRYING to attract men.
That may sound weird because when I first heard it, it was like “how do I do that?”
Present however YOU want to appear to the world.
Take care of your health, your skin, your hygiene.
Love your appearance! Be happy with how YOU look.
Look in the mirror and when you see yourself, do you feel yourself like “yeah I’m a sexy bitch”.
That’s the feeling you need to get at least 80% of the time. If you don’t get this feeling, change it up. Try something new.

Overall do it for you, not for others

Spraytyasha · 2022-02-06T04:34:12+00:00

Totally understand what you mean. I used to dress exclusively for others (not just men, for my girlfriends too, always taking into consideration if they will approve of my outfit). And it was so exhausting because well, I was uncomfortable most of the time, and even though I got some praise/attention it wasn't enough. Imagine putting in so much time, effort and money into something and all you get is one person saying "Cute".

This is going to sound quite stupid but one time I bought this top that was not my usual style but I fell in love with it. And when I didn't get praise for it, I didn't even care because I loved how warm the fabric made me feel.

Basically, what I'm saying is - next time you go shopping, look for things that make you feel comfortable. When you're on the internet, notice which trends/clothes actually interest you.

Men are going to look at you AND other women but you'll stop caring about that.

Equal-Ear2312 · 2022-02-06T12:49:24+00:00

Why am I doing things to make myself more attractive when at the end of the day, men are still going to look at other women anyway?

internalized male gaze. it's the disease we all suffer from.

pickadaisy · 2022-02-07T04:26:37+00:00

I ask instead: “why go out of my way to be attractive when men will sexual use me no matter what?”

myeggsarebig · 2022-02-06T12:55:45+00:00

If you feel good, you look good. If you want to attract a man who likes you for you, he will be attracted to you, not your lipstick. If you want to go all-natural, do that, be proud of your choice to be you the way you want to be you. Be firm. “I am who I am, and I don’t change for anyone other than myself.” That, too me, is far more attractive than a woman who is clearly uncomfortable wearing high heels (walking all clumsy) and red lipstick to attract men. BE YOU.

West_Zone · 2022-02-06T11:56:33+00:00

You shouldn't be triangulating yourself with other women. There will always be women who are more attractive than you, but why should that matter? If a man is HV he won't be thirsting after women who, in your opinion, are more "attractive" than you. I would argue that when it comes to attractiveness, clothes and makeup don't play that big of a role.

Makeup, in and of itself, is not bad imo. I mean, both men and women used makeup in ancient Egypt. Beauty has always been a "thing" in society, but in the day and age we live in it's like beauty standards are on steroids and they're only aimed at women. Looking put together and as attractive as possible is not something women do only to please and attract men, but to please society as a whole.

Both men and women judge you based on your appearance. In some industries looking put together and "sharp" is important. My point isn't that women should wear makeup and certain clothes because society expects them to, but that looking "put together" is a social norm.

Making yourself attractive" is a complex concept that people often simplify by solely associating it with the male gaze, which is only one aspect of it. Also, "the male gaze" isn't black and white imo because men sexualize and objectify literally everything.

You don't have to make yourself attractive if you don't want to. I hope this isn't too blunt, but it sounds like you have self esteem issues (you are comparing yourself with other women and afraid that men will choose them over you because you aren't attractive enough). You should work on your self esteem and then spend some time reflecting over the types of clothes that make you feel comfortable.

TigreImpossibile · 2022-02-06T08:24:30+00:00

I can honestly say I do it for myself.

Do I live in a place where appearances are very important? Yes.

Have I had a lifetime of cultural influences in my life that have caused me to curate my look towards the male gaze? Of course.

But I like to look nice. It's fun to dress up. I like my body. I workout almost every day and I definitely do that for myself, because it makes me feel great. Its me time. I genuinely enjoy it. Men like me bigger or smaller, it really doesn't matter... And that's the other thing. No one is ever only going to have eyes for you. It's just unrealistic to think that you or your partner will never be attracted to another person again.

Men are still looking to look at other women, whether they find me attractive or not. It crushes my spirit.

Don't think like this!

It doesn't matter if they look. I mean, it matters if they're sleazy about it, gawp or actually hit on someone. That is flat out disrespect. Red flag. Dealbreaker.

But thinking you OR your partner will never be attracted to anyone else again is totally unrealistic. What matters is that you pay each other respect and don't ogle and make inappropriate comments.

Last thing I will say, getting dressed up and making an effort and taking care of your body is making you miserable, then don't do it. You don't have to be pretty and cute, you owe that to exactly NOBODY. You do you.

Muffcakelord · 2022-02-06T22:45:55+00:00

Tbh i thought we did this for other women?

There is a female gaze. It's amazing and i think altough people may disagree with me, i see it even in doja cat's videos despite some of the pickme parts and disgusting men she let join in on some of her videos. I see it in character designs women do, i see it in dorohedoro and studio killers. Men rarely if ever see me; women do. Men onlt notice the shape and size of my ass and it's fairly obvious. Women comment on it only when it's equipped with the right shorts, they comment on the fabrics i choose and color combinations. They comment on my skin and the color of my cheeks. They will mention my hair and shoes, basically every detail besides bodily ones that i cannot control easily unless we're very close friends. When working out, women's comments are the first signs i get that makes me realize i'm progressing because i don't even notice it myself as fast.

Whenever i do anything, i do it with hopes that a woman will be inspired or pleased. I've managed to find key items to wear that men generally find repulsive while women shower it with compliments, and those are my proudest accomplishments in terms of style. Sometimes i go out the door knowing which comments i'll get because i've heard them before, because women are quick to notice and sometimes likewise quick to comment.

Normalize the female gaze, find it, learn it and embrace it. We're the real visual creatures and it really shows.

Also to note: i'm obviously the primary woman i think of when dressing myself. I feel amazing in the right clothes ans creams and i think i'm overly sensitive which makes the wrong fabric or ingredients unbearable and the right ones a living dream to be in. I wish more people would focus on the physical feel of their style as well as the looks

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