WOC, what modified/additional rules do you have to avoid men with race/culture fetishes?

imaydestroyyall · 2021-08-22T05:39:10+00:00

I've found that these type of men tell on themselves pretty quickly. 1. Mentioning my skin colour in a sexual way. Like, I had someone tell me on the first date that he loves the contrast of white and black skin when having sex. 2. Asking me if I've 'been with' a white man before. In his head he wants to 'conquer' you if you havent... very colonial mindset 3. Mentioning that he only dates black women because of some stereotype. 4. Mentioning he's never dated black women because of some stereotype.

In general if any man of any race is solely focused on my looks I put a big ❌

insurrectionaryINTJ · 2021-08-22T06:52:35+00:00

I’ve been out of the game for a while but had a bunch of male ex-friends that eventually made it very clear to me that I am nothing but a fetish/Asian sex doll for them to conquer.

What I’ve noticed over the years amongst them: talking about their vast history of exes who all happen to be Asian, visibly checking out other Asian women in public, pitting Asian ethnicities against one another (Korean chicks are the best/Filipinas are winning— yes those are actual things these men have said to me even though I’m neither of those things), commenting on my body parts in terms of how petite I am or how “tight” I must be, following/friends on social media with mostly Asians, also following loads of Asian IG models, frequenting Chinatowns and Asian-dominated areas, talking at length about someday visiting Japan, Thailand, China, Vietnam, etc., putting a lot of emphasis on how “exotic” I am or how pretty I am for my race. Now as I’m older and wiser, I dash at the first sign of Asian fetishism.

lilac-hiraeth · 2021-08-22T07:01:14+00:00

For me I avoid men who go right to the specific interest of me being Indigenous before any other aspect of me. Indigenous women are murdered and missing in outrageous numbers where I live, so much that we have a “No More Stolen Sisters” movement.

..it’s any guy that talks about “how sexual and wild Native women are”. This usually happens very quickly because it’s what men use as an opener with Indigenous women.

Any guys talking about how “ratchet” and how Indigenous women are “great to party with” and so they’re better in bed.

Men who talk about how “woke, intelligent, thoughtful, hard working, any number of comparative stereotypical compliment”, I am to other Indigenous women.

Men trying to guess my ethnicity (usually mistaken for another anyway).

Men showing/telling me culturally community relevant things but in horrible ways. Ex husband showed me a video game about Custard raping Indigenous women. That was the goal of the game. Ex boyfriend joking in a fight “wouldn’t want someone to find another Neech bitch in the river, now would we!?” (Drag the River is a thing here where we drag our local rivers for Indigenous bodies).

My ex husband fetishized me and other Indigenous women a lot, I never noticed until a few years ago (together 17 years) how much he loved to talk about bagging a brown bitch.

geminiascendant · 2021-08-22T05:46:54+00:00

They certainly give it away super quickly. They’ll tend to ask race-geared questions or come in hot with assumptions about your ethnicity based on stereotypes. For example (I’m SE Asian):

“You don’t look ___.” And proceed to associate your ethnic appearance with their horniness
What ethnicities of men have you dated
Take on a white saviour role and behave condescendingly towards YOUR ethnicity when they ‘know’ all the #facts
Their dating profiles tend to overdo it with references to (e.g.) a trip around Asia (normally Japan) and overemphasise interest in anime. It functions as a way of showing ~open-mindedness~ with races like it’s the WOC’s privilege

Just to name a few x

picklesdickles2345 · 2021-08-22T07:33:05+00:00

-mention my skin tone out of context. (In context would be maybe something like talking about skin color and make up or if I’ve been outside and got a noticeable tan) - using the words spicy or fiery to describe someone - Even worse, the word Exotic - asking about or assuming I know how to Mexican food. I don’t like to cook at all, much less trying to figure out how to cook Mexican food because my family never taught me.

There’s a few others, but that’s what comes to my mind.

mothertuna · 2021-08-22T12:46:32+00:00

I’m out of the game these days but maybe what I say could help someone else out. Most of this pertains to white men but can apply to other men as well.

Anyone calling me chocolate seriously or any other food term is a no go. I’m a person, not a piece of food.
Anyone assuming that because I’m black, I’m wild in bed or quick to fuck. There’s women of many backgrounds like that.
Being surprised that I don’t fit a stereotype that is associated with black people (like education or whatever). All people of a group have similarities, but we are not all the same.
Asking me what I think of black men at all. Don’t ask me about penis size or if I care about black men dating interracially. If I’m with you, I’m not thinking about them!
Idk if other WOC go through this but I’ve had black men tell me how desirable white women find them or how that’s all they dated before me. My black ass isn’t your consolation prize buddy. Next!
Telling me I’m not like other black people (the racist version of not like other girls). You don’t know all black people and neither do i. Watch your mouth.
Dated a guy who only dated black women. He remarked how he liked the my skin tone on a part of my body more than his darker skinned ex. Don’t come at me with that colorism bullshit.
Related to 7 but any guy who proudly states he only dates black women. Unless you grew up predominantly with black people, it’s fishy to me.
This hasn’t happened to me but has to other black women I know. But stay away from anyone who disparages the hair that grows out of your head or the hair you choose to put on your head. Stay out of women’s business with that.
Anyone who tries to talk in slang or a blaccent. That shit wasn’t cute when I was a teenager and it’s not cute now. If I wanted someone “hood”, I’d get the real thing, not an impostor.

Resident-Equipment95 · 2021-08-22T06:30:47+00:00

🚩”What are you mixed with”. These guys often have a fetish for interracial relationships and mixed babies. PASS.

fogplum · 2021-08-22T07:01:12+00:00

extragouda · 2021-08-22T07:17:16+00:00

Here are mine:

"Where are you from? No, I mean, what ethnicity?"
"Give me tips of traveling overseas."
"Do you know how to make fried rice? I really like fried rice."
"I lived in Japan for 10 years." (as an opening line.)
"I love Asians, Asians are so submissive."
Any guy who tries to pick me up and swing me around. NO!
"I love Asians, Asians work so hard." No shit asshole, cause you won't promote me/pay me fairly/treat me like a human being.
Any guy who has a katana/nanchucks/or is obsessed with Bruce Lee.
Any guy who speaks an Asian language and collects "Asian" things and claims to like the "traditional culture".
Any guy who tells me I'm too "white".
Men who make disgusting presumptive comments about my genitalia: Asian women are "smaller, differently shaped, etc... etc." Really. Gross. And then they say "but it's a compliment."
Men who shout Asian languages at me on the street and then become enraged that I don't know what the heck they are saying (and don't want to know).
Men who say, "This is what I like about Asians, they don't age."
Men who say, "Do you realize that you are marginalized because you are an Asian female?" Oh yeah? So what are you doing about it beside virtue signalling and making assumptions about me? Jerk. Also... thank you for acknowledging that you don't live inside my body. Heh.
Men who say they love how Asian women "respect family." It basically means they want you to be their Mommy Bangmaid.
Men who say that Asian women are "materialistic" and expect you to buy them things because "you work so hard, you must earn a lot of money."
People who look at you like you're out to get a green card if you date a man who is not your race.
People (male and female) who say, "you're good looking... for an Asian." This reveals that they do not think you are a HVW and will not treat you as such. In fact, being a WOC makes dating and partnership harder, because there is an existing social hierarchy dependent on race, and most HVM will want HVW... and a WOC just complicates things for them. So you are completely off their radar. You have to be so much more to even be noticed.
Pickme women who say, "Petite Asian females steal all our men. It's not FAIR!" No, girl, I don't want your scrotes.
Asian men who call you a "traitor" if you date outside your race... as if they own you like you are property.
The fact that white feminism was built off the backs of black women.
The fact that lib white feminism thinks that sex work is lit... and this is because they can chose not to do it.
The fact that as you age, as WOC, you are even more invisible than your white counterparts. You are poorer and less visible. You are less likely to remarry, more likely to end up in debt, and more likely to be mistreated by doctors as you get older and need more medical care because (a doctor once said to me) "Asian women are stoic."
If you continue to look good as you age, your efforts are dismissed as "genetic" because "Asians just look... really young." Until we look like we're 80? Right? We look 18 for 50 years and then suddenly look 80, right? Assholes.
The black vs Asian vs Latinex divisions. This is just colonization continuing its job through us. The "I'm more oppressed" competition. And if you hang out with "your own kind"... because you are being marginalized even by minority communities that marginalize themselves... you are accused of forming "ghettos" or "not assimilating".
The fact that Asian hate is not being taken seriously, and when the rare Asian person achieves prominence in the media, they are taken down as being "racist" for "appropriation" (Nora Lum)... because instead of mentoring and supporting each other, Asians are not even allowed to have an identity (if she had used her own cultural identity in a spoof vag video, she would have been called "anti-Asian"... the problem is not the culture represented, the problem was the video, the way it challenged expectations of Asian women, and the way that the only way an Asian women could been legitimized by the dominant culture is by appropriating an already accepted yet oppressed sub-culture). Asians, despite being everywhere in the "new world" since the gold rush, are still considered "too alien".
The fact that there's so much pressure from Asian communities for their women to be a size 2, to look 18 forever, and to cook 5 course meals for their families and also earn 100k a year. But first you have to survive getting straight As in school and a 4.0 GPA.
Asian men... who say that they are victims of racism but then ignore that Asian women are victims of sexism AND racism.
The fact that people watched "Crazy Rich Asians" and think that, that movie represents Asian culture. The fact that Asian girls watch "Mulan" and think that, that cartoon is Asian culture.
The fact that most people who are not WOC don't have to think about this. The fact that women who are WOC have so many stressful things going on... I can't even!

And this, my friends, is why even though this is FDS, I do not have a boyfriend.

creamtart_ · 2021-08-22T06:04:50+00:00

I get really frustrated when both male and female westerners have a saviour complex. They have this weird wokespeak, tread on eggshells around us, and act like they’re going to “trigger” ethnically diverse people over everything. If anything, westerners get more offended over trivial shit than we do. We know how to pick our battles and are typically mindful not to take everything so personally.

I gravitate towards people who just treat me with dignity and respect. They are able to appreciate me as a unique individual beyond my racial identity, while still respecting my diversity, and don’t assume that just because I belong to a race I agree with everything from that culture.

In a dating context, I am mindful to watch out for being fetishised, which is pretty clear if he uses creepy porny language. Or acts like I’m a bucket list item (“ooh I’ve never dated an INSERT RACE girl”). Or like I’m some exotic creature because I don’t meet his version of that race in his head (wtf bro I’m not a bird? Points if he actually calls me exotic). Also straight up dehumanising me. I look ethnically ambiguous, mixed race, whatever. You wouldn’t believe how many times people have asked me “WHAT are you??”. Like what the actual fuck? I am a human?!

Also, if he tries to provoke me somehow by playing devils advocate about my race and political conflicts. I enjoy a nuanced discussion, that’s fine, it’s okay to ask thoughtful questions that show an interest in my personal opinion. But when it’s clearly to get a reaction or assuming I speak for my entire race, he can fuck right off.

This turned out to be a very long answer. Anyway hope it helps.

dancedancedance7 · 2021-08-22T07:59:05+00:00

I'm not a WOC, but an ethnicity that gets highly fetishized for being submissive and mail order bride-esque 🙄. It's obvious from my name, and often I can tell a shift in the guys demeanor when they learn it - suddenly I begin to feel like a piece of meat. I can usually detect a guy who will get weird about it from jokes they make, and attempts to show off knowledge about the culture. Normal guys just don't say much about it.

Lost_Kale90 · 2021-08-22T12:43:05+00:00

Honestly the biggest issues for me is just the general ignorance of white men. And unfortunately I grew up in a very white, non-diverse area. So everything from my appearance, to my family's traditions, to food, etc was always just considered "different." Most men (and school and society generally) where I live aren't appreciative of my culture, and it's basically seen as "other."

So the guys that I've dated have been all white and I realize I've never been able to actually relate to them in such an important way. But growing up I didn't know any other way. Now I'm actually interested in moving to a more diverse area, and to date men who are from a non-white culture.

stalient · 2021-08-22T13:53:14+00:00

More 'PC' type guys will ask "Do you speak a second language" on the first/second date, despite my all-american mannerisms and unaccented English. I purposely avoid bringing up anything related to my ethnicity, so the fact that 60% of guys ask this question shows that most ppl don't view me as truly American. If a guy says ANYTHING to me that he wouldn't ask to a white woman on the first few dates, it's over. Most Asian-Am women I know who date interracially don't want to abide by this because they know it will filter out 90% of men, so they make excuses why it's okay. Foreign-born Asian women don't mind this as much because they really are connected to a foreign culture. Consequently, they are vulnerable to dating problematic white men.

Partypuppers · 2021-08-22T11:59:50+00:00

I'm Turkish. When men find out I'm Turkish they always tell me they love Turkish food and then ask me if I can cook it. Already being put in the mommy mcbangmaid situation.

Inspection-Critical · 2021-08-22T17:08:28+00:00

I'm Armenian. Shit I hear on a regular basis:

-Arguing with me that I "don't look Armenian."

-Thinking "you look white" is a compliment.

-Calling me exotic. (White women do this too.)

-Telling me they have an Armenian fetish. Some don't say anything, but their eyes light up in a predatory way and I can tell I'm no longer human to them, I've become a fuckable object. Apparently a study came out a few years ago saying men globally think Armenian women are the most desirable. Great. /s

-Bringing up the genocide as a topic of conversation.

-Asking if I cook Armenian food and will I cook for him. Joke's on him, all the Armenian women I know are princesses with fanatical standards. My Chinese and Filipina girlfriends are similar: "Why do these assholes think we're submissive mail order brides? Have they MET my mom??"

sruslywhytho · 2021-08-22T13:22:21+00:00

Men who try to get away with using ethnic slurs. It's so common and a dealbreaker for them to even try it.

Ni-You · 2021-08-22T08:30:12+00:00

I’m always looking out for the little things that show they are comfortable with (read: profiting from) the white norm.

For example, when they call me ‘exotic’ as a compliment or question why black Pete (Dutch blackface tradition) is hurtful to POC. Similarly, raving on about the one Indian wedding they went to (the colors, the music, naan bread!!). They say this to look good (look at how not racist I am!), but they’re really telling on themselves that they have almost no non-white experiences.

Sage_Planter · 2021-08-22T14:00:33+00:00

I'm white but a part of a minority religion.

There's a dating site for said religion, and I'm always suspicious of men who join and state their religion as "Willing to Convert." Last summer, I had a phone call with a man who was more focused on my religion than anything else. How he always falls for women from my religion. It was unattractive, and I blocked him afterwards.

Interesting-Bat3992 · 2021-08-22T18:10:29+00:00

I just have one rule: when he says something that feels off, I drop him off 🚮

IndigoTR · 2021-08-23T00:16:09+00:00

Some of the more obvious ones have already been mentioned. But I'll add a few more.

It's going to be a no from me if they:

+Show an unhealthy fascination with my hair. This one guy kept talking about how much he looooooved afro hair. Ok, would you go on and on to a white woman about how much you love straight hair? It's creepy, stop it.

+Ask or assume I am afro-latina, biracial, etc and then seem disappointed when I say I'm not. I guess Black-American is not exotic enough haha. Also if I get vibes they fetishize any other women. For example, my LVX baby mother was Hispanic/central-american and he always kept referencing her curly hair and full lips (discussing the traits his son got from him vs. her) ... it got to be creepy. (He would do this thing were he would like gesture to his mouth and say "full lips", almost like he was fantasizing/remembering kissing her?? lmfao idk but it was sketchy). He kept reminding me of her ethnicity too.

+Try to pretend like they understand the nuances of certain topics. This goes back to hair, but also colorism, reparations and slavery, affirmative action, police killings, protests and movements etc. because they read one Twitter thread or an article by Ta-Nehisi Coates, have dated black women before or have black friends. Oh, bonus points for constantly reminding you that they have black friends.

+Play the pity card. The "it must be so hard to be a black person, I can't even imagine" statements*. Or when they say "you wouldn't believe the type of racist things I've heard my family members say". Like why would I want to be in a serious relationship, marry, or have children by someone whose family is racist? Do you think I want to give those people half-black grandchildren/nieces/nephews? So many white men I've interacted with are so selfish and clueless when it comes to that. It's almost like they're bragging about how much better they are than their family but don't realize they are alienating the women they are trying to impress.

*I can only speak for myself but when I talk about the inequity and inequality we face, I dont want hugs and pets on the head from white people, I want action and tangible results. Benefits. Reparations. Some of these "allies" piss me tf off with that shit. If I'm going to commiserate with someone about racism, you think it will be with you? Pleaseeee! Just tell me what you're doing to make an actual difference.

letsberealforamoment · 2021-08-22T14:21:37+00:00

The only foolproof way is to date within your race/ethnicity/culture, etc.

Men, as a group unto themselves, hate and objectify women. When you date within your own race/ethnicity/culture, the vetting against creepy race and culture based fetishization is already done.

Men see women as "other', including women within their race and culture. A womans differing race and culture just magnifies "otherness" and thus, increases the already present hate, objectification and fetishization.

Title	WOC, what modified/additional rules do you have to avoid men with race/culture fetishes?
Author	ilovewinniethepooh
Upvotes	312
Comments	57
Date	August 22, 2021 5:02 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/p96h5x/woc_what_modifiedadditional_rules_do_you_have_to/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/woc-what-modifiedadditional-rules-do-you-have-to.1059371 https://theredarchive.com/post/1059371

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