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CMV: Dating for hetrosexual men isn't about getting a girl it's about finding someone who you are compatible it

October 2, 2022
47 upvotes

I feel like the issue with modern dating is men are focused on trying to get a girl who doesn't like them to like them. More poetically it's about finding yourself in a girl. This means you need to find someone similar to you, like a girl who has similar interests, personality, goals, and moral values. That doesn't mean they have to be an exact clone of yourself. I used to convince myself to get crushes on girls who I thought we physically beautiful but this didn't work well, they all rejected me. In retrospect I didn't have much things in common with them and our personalities did not mesh well. Now I think I do have a genuine crush on someone who I can see myself in. She does have some traits that differ from me even though I'd say we are similar. So I think the problem isn't that men cannot get a women but rather men have harder time finding someone like them where it counts. But anyway that's just my perspective on dating for hetrosexual men.

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Post Information
Title CMV: Dating for hetrosexual men isn't about getting a girl it's about finding someone who you are compatible it
Author roseonyxa
Upvotes 47
Comments 70
Date October 2, 2022 3:59 PM UTC (4 months ago)
Subreddit /r/PurplePillDebate
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/cmv-dating-for-hetrosexual-men-isnt-about-getting.1133095
https://theredarchive.com/post/1133095
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/xtsb3p/cmv_dating_for_hetrosexual_men_isnt_about_getting/
Comments

[–]Historical-System972 17 points18 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

It's about finding a woman who will have you.

[–]darkvalleys 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Mathematically, that means 1

[–]Tramelo 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Regardless of whether you will have her?

[–]xzpw30s/M/USA/HENRY/blackpill 10 points11 points  (11 children) | Copy Link

Trying to find a partner like yourself is a surefire way (as a man at least) to end up posting in foreveralone.

I think if you instead look for someone who compliments you well (while not hating you) then you’ll be as close to your ideal personality wise. For most men - I think you need to just lower your standards to the floor on all accounts. In general - women aren’t gonna want to play Escape From Tarkov with you, they don’t want to clean an AR-15 every week, they don’t want to go riding sport bikes in the canyons, they don’t want to swap the engine in their car, they don’t want to weld a go kart frame, they don’t want to make some furniture in a woodshop, they don’t want to solder some RGB LEDs onto their sweet new gaming rig, they don’t wanna play ultimate, and they probably don’t wanna do any of the other bullshit that you’re interested in. Unless you got traditionally feminine hobbies like yoga, cooking/baking, sewing, etc. you’re not gonna find a woman who is like you. You’re gonna find a woman and hope you can both just get along.

Yeah - some do pop wheelies and fiddle with explosives. They’re not typical. So give up on finding someone like you and just look for someone that fucking likes you. That is all you can ask for these days, boys. You can’t ask for a women who is going to have all the personality traits you do and will enjoy the same shit you do. At best - you hope you can just endure each others company for the decades to come.

I don’t agree with you. Sounds like “be yourself and they’ll come” blueshit.

[–]roseonyxa[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I don't mean to come off as be yourself but rather go after girls that reminds you of yourself. I am not even saying someone has to be an exact copy of yourself here. Interests and hobbies aren't the only thing people have in common, it could be culture, religion, personality and, mental disabilities.

[–]malpaiss 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You've just listed hobbies, that's not a personality. The similarities OP is talking about are things like values, goals, sense of humour, communication style, maybe even a similar taste in media. No, your gf probably doesn't want to spend 24/7 with you and your hobbies, that would be unhealthy anyway. But if you have the basics in common you're much more likely to find common activities.

[–]BatemaninAccounting 3 points4 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

There are literally a ton of women into all those things you list, often more so than their male counterparts. This is especially true for western women who grew up having access to non-traditional girlie hobbies.

[–]xzpw30s/M/USA/HENRY/blackpill 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

The number of women into EFT and go karts is definitely way less than men. Do you even talk to women? Do you actually do any of this stuff? Cause I do and there’s almost no women at it. You’ll usually have the one token girl out of a group of 30-50 people.

[–]FlyV89 -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Women are always more into men stuff than men are sweety!

Women are also more into WOMEN than men are.

[–]BatemaninAccounting -1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

"token girl" yeah with that attitude I can see why they stay away.

Also yes I'm involved in at least three nerdy hobbies that have a ton of women involved in. Single women in those hobbies don't stay single for long, due to the amount of cool nerdy guys that take a shot with those women and usually score. If anything it's more annoying that married and long term relationship'd women still get hit up by the less socially perceptive guys in those nerd circles.

Guys should push themselves to have both 'classic' guy hobbies and new age 'female' hobbies. A balance will get you both laid and a LTR if you have an ounce of game.

[–]xzpw30s/M/USA/HENRY/blackpill 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m not convinced that a “ton of women” are in them if they’re immediately grabbed up. Being snatched up immediately implies there’s still a lot more men than women.

[–]Euphemia006No Pill 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

blueshit.

Sorry cannot stop laughing.😂😂😂😂

[–]xzpw30s/M/USA/HENRY/blackpill 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It’s probably the most underrated part of the entire comment - lol. I was quite happy when I managed that one.

[–]Euphemia006No Pill 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

It’s probably the most underrated part of the entire comment

So true lmao

. I was quite happy when I managed that one.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Blueshit 😂😂😂😂 I will never forget this one.

[–]Portgas 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Every successful relationship I've seen among my friends and family has the partners being Extremely similar to each other, some even look like brother and sister. Never discount good compatibility.

[–]wtknightGen X Slacker 26 points27 points  (17 children) | Copy Link

This is "be yourself" advice and doesn't work for a lot of men. Men need to learn how to market themselves better, which involves putting effort into convincing women that they are an attractive option, unless that man is either naturally attractive, or is lucky enough to be able to attract a woman who he is spending a significant deal of time with. A lot of time in the latter instance, though, this woman will be below the league of a woman whom he could attract if he put some effort into attracting a woman.

But sure, you have a point that many men spend a good deal of time trying to attract women whom they don't have much in common with. Men need to realize at a certain point that that woman just isn't compatible with him whether it's because she is way above his league or has a completely incompatible personality, and try again with a woman whom he might have a better chance with.

[–]VeryHappyYoungGirl 11 points12 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

This is two sided. You want someone to fall for you, not who you are pretending to be. But you also may be repulsive so that isn’t gonna work.

I think men need to actively develop attractive traits, while at the same time peacocking their best real traits. Faking who you are may get you laid, but if it gets you married you will end up regretting it.

In other words, If you live in a shithole and play videogames 60 hours a week, being honest about who you are isn’t going to pull in the ladies. But the solution isn’t to lie about it. The solution is to clean your shit up and find other activities you enjoy that a woman would enjoy sharing with you. Then you can still be videogaming 40 hours a week. But you can focus your female interactions a little more on the hike you just took or the book your bookclub just read.

[–]wtknightGen X Slacker 12 points13 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

My argument is that dating is like a job interview. You can't just expect to go to an interview and "be yourself" and expect the company to hire you over the candidates with similar qualities who are showing that employer why they should be hired. It's even more imperative during dating to market oneself too because most women aren't going to be actively asking guys questions like a job interviewer will. This is why men with game will do better than men with poor game if they are of similar attractiveness otherwise.

[–]bunnakaybirth control pill 3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

But that game only works if they can deliver, similar to an interviewee who overinflates their qualifications, gets hired, but then can't do the work.

So "be yourself" DOES work... if you are actually qualified. If you're not qualified but pretending you are, you're just lying.

[–]wtknightGen X Slacker 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

But that game only works if they can deliver, similar to an interviewee who overinflates their qualifications, gets hired, but then can't do the work.

Yeah, but if the woman has sex quickly like a lot of women do, the guy is going to have sex before she realizes that he's not he portrayed himself as.

But I'm not saying that men should misrepresent themselves. I'm saying that they should market themselves, which means playing an active part in attracting a woman, which is what "good game" is rather than "deceptive game". This is opposed to a guy just chilling wherever he goes and not trying to attract women, which could potentially work, but not as often, and will likely not attract women who are actually in his league, as these women expect men of a similar attractiveness to work to attract them, and are only passively impressed by men who are more attractive than they are. These latter men are more likely to just use these women for sex, of course.

[–]NockerJoePervert Palpatine 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Being in a relationship is completley different from getting one. Employers will inflate their demands many times over in a lot of fields right now due to how many candidates there are. I will say its more common for me to see someone who studied hard and did a bunch of prep for a fairly easy job than a candidate with no qualifications who lost it all.

Likewise the standards aren't hard because being in a relationship is hard, they're hard because you gotta deal with there being way more men than women actually looking and you need to stand out.

[–]roseonyxa[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You nailed what I want to say perfectly. My advice isn't just be yourself there are definitely traits and quality that men need to work on like overcoming social anxiety and learning communication skills.

[–]BatemaninAccounting 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

In other words, If you live in a shithole and play videogames 60 hours a week, being honest about who you are isn’t going to pull in the ladies. But the solution isn’t to lie about it.

I mean it absolutely will, there are women out there that date guys exactly like that. You can talk to women and find that some 10-20% of women date guys exactly like this, and yes "from the start." Guys don't go from super-chad to videogame-slob overnight.

[–]VeryHappyYoungGirl 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

If you say so. My experience tells me volleyball guys score a lot easier than Counterstrike heroes But I have nothing to back it up.

[–]darkvalleys 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Because penis first, talking later

[–]Smitten_Squire 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy Link

I think OP's biggest point is to find a girl who likes you. Instead of finding a girl YOU like and need to convince to like you.

Cuz that does make a huge difference. It basically changes things from hardcore difficulty to tutorial difficulty because she already likes you.

Most of the time she will be way less attractive, but whatev. Its basically what happens when you "lower ur standards", the lower you go, the more girls will automatically like you without you even trying.

[–]wtknightGen X Slacker 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

The problem is that the women who start out liking a guy are usually of lower quality than the women that a man can attract if he puts some effort into it, because women are hypergamous. Lower quality women like higher quality men. But if a man makes a successful effort to show a woman in his own league that he's higher quality, he can attract a woman who is higher quality than the women who he would be attracted to him if he put no effort into attracting a woman.

The issue is that he needs to realize when it is futile and he needs to start pursuing someone else rather than letting himself either get friendzoned, or even worse getting blacklisted by her and her friends as being "creepy" because he is overly persistent after being rejected.

[–]Smitten_Squire 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah i agree. Thats perfectly said. You need to self improve, and know what ur limits are where the tradeoffs are worth it and not worth it to get the most for urself. And also not become one of those 24/7 self improvement people who never even get anything

[–]Topfet30 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have tried that and I'm 35 and I'm still single. So lowering standards doesn't work for everyone unless I start trying to date women in wheel chairs lol.

[–]Topfet30 -1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

So it doesn't matter if I'm attracted to her?

[–]fdswasamistake 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Not according to this sub. If you're a man you have to find some fat woman who looks like a deformed toe or else you're an evil misogynist.

[–]Topfet30 -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I know, I try to give women a chance on here to speak but when they are wrong they stay silent. Which just proves my point anyway.

[–]fdswasamistake 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

And then you're stuck with someone who you're not attracted to and resent.

[–]Topfet30 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If you can't get a date in the first place how can you find who you are compatible with? It gets to a point with men where we have to take what we can get, it doesn't get any easier for us when we get older.

[–]Regular-Loser-569 5 points6 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

I wouldn't want to date someone like me.

[–]darkvalleys 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Compatible doesn’t mean identical, did you know?

[–]roseonyxa[S] 4 points5 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Why do you say that?

[–]Regular-Loser-569 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

If I want to be with someone similar to myself, I will rather be on my own. I want to meet other people because I want different things/perspectives. Meeting someone very similar to me seems redundant.

[–]roseonyxa[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I can understand where you are coming from but for me it's been difficult to maintain conversation with someone completely different compared to people who are similar to me in some respects I think. I don't think it's black and white as what people make it seem to be

[–]Freelovehighway 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I agree with you. Could be true for the poster but even then, he wants someone who is similar enough to him that he's bothered with their things and perspectives. Very few people are so open as to want to be with somebody completely different.

[–]Drive-By-Cuckers 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I’m an alcoholic and also there’s not a lot of women who are fraternity brothers so it’d be rather hard to find one lol

[–]roseonyxa[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I guess my advice doesn't apply to everyone

[–]Barneysparky 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Then you are not ready to date.

[–]yamb97 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You’re getting your goals confused with other mens’. You might want to be in a relationship with an actual person that has feelings and thoughts and that’s awesome for you! But the men you are talking about really just want a bang maid. They want to get laid, maybe have children, and have a woman to do their cooking and cleaning. They do not want a person with feelings and thoughts. So it’s really no wonder that they can’t find anyone, no woman (or at least very few) want to be treated that way and that’s their right.

[–]Tramelo 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sounds reasonable

[–]darkvalleys 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

“But how will I get laid?!”

[–]ZealousidealAd7191 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Getting a girl and finding someone you are compatible with are not the same thing?

[–]CameronJohns88 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That’s well and good, but men don’t have those options

Men don’t WANT a girl who’s pretty, but not at all compatible, but they can barely get a decent looking girl to like them back, let alone a pretty good whose also emotionally compatible

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[–]NockerJoePervert Palpatine 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sure, but theres still inevitably going to be a process where that person is a stranger and you'll have to find it out. A lot of the time you'll have to find it out while still going on dates with that person and finding it out at the time. There's also inevitably going to be a process where you go from a stranger to somebody she has some level of actual emotional investment in.

You have already failed at this process and shouldn't be giving advice. You aren't dating your crush. You don't know everything about her because you probably haven't spent much time with her, especially compared to what you'd spend in a relationship. She's a crush and theres no guarantee she has any sort of feelings in return at that point.

The better approach will always be to try to make it work until/unless there are deal breakers. I didn't know most of my last girlfriends hobbies for a bit. Before that our common hobbies didn't come up until the third or fourth date with the one before that. I had to figure that shit out during the dating process while also trying to secure the emotional investment it takes to even get to that point.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

What in hell are you talking about? It is NEVER about getting a girl it's aways been about finding someone compatible, this is obvious for men, aways've been.

The thing is the girl that is compatible with you won't be necessary dating you because she now have (at her eyes) better options, so unless you fill some attraction niche you'll be in the middle of the pipeline.

This means you have to be the best option on top of being compatible.

[–]iPatrickDev 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

So in other words, she is not compatible with you.

[–]Sure-Vermicelli4369 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Men have to take what they can get because there is a shortage of quality women.

[–]darkvalleys 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh, women think all men are quality ?

[–]hungrychick404 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Women think the same about men.

[–]Laytheblameonluck -2 points-1 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

What are women's moral values now? Their values are to go through a hoe phase then find a guy to settle down with sexually.

So men should just aim for having sex, rotating women, and forget about what you wrote.

[–]roseonyxa[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You got to find a woman who doesn't engage in that hoe phase by participating in hook up culture you are only reinforcing it's power and domination. It's not easy fight against hook up culture but it's possible to win. Women who engage in hook up culture aren't the enemy but rather the hook up culture they defend is the real enemy

[–]Laytheblameonluck -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

They lie though.

It's like cheating, it's the same logic as cheating, go read their comments.

[–]python834 -1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Men want women who makes their dick hard, while being chill to hang out with.

Thats it.

The vast majority of women in america are obese, and will not make any dude’s dick hard. I promise you that most men would rather watch porn than being with an obese chick. However, it can be easy to find some chick to chill with based on hobbies.

[–]ITTManyMorons 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

The majority of women aren’t obese and men are just as obese as women in the US so who cares if some fat people don’t want to fuck other fat people.

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[–]MBTHVSK -1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

For most of us, going without a girlfriend is less debilitating than having no sex life, and having a sex life keeps our spirits high enough to feel like suffering through looking for a girlfriend. The motivation for sex remains undeterred.

[–]roseonyxa[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I don't know if I agree with that chief

[–]tshifter 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Doesn't matter how compatible you think you are if she doesn't want you. At it's heart dating for men is taking whatever you can get. You can argue that it's about becoming as attractive as possible to get access to the most attractive mate possible.

[–]FusiontronNo Pill 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

The problem is a man you can feel emotionally connected to a woman who you think the most of, to whom you're of little note. The comparability you see, won't necessarily be seen by her.

[–]trail22 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think its about getting a guy they are attracted to, to liek them. Have you ever tried to date a women you werent attracted to? Its not fun.

[–]gate18No Pill 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Technically that's what dating is.

I feel like the issue with modern dating is men are focused on trying to get a girl who doesn't like them to like them. More poetically it's about finding yourself in a girl.

I'm 100% it isn't a modern thing.

[–]redback-spider 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

That is oneities, no women even if she likes you will make strong moves on you except you are like a superstar or extremely sexy top 5% men, then maybe but only maybe that could happen.

Also a women will not strongly like you if you are not likable by many women. There is no 99.9% of women find you discusting person that 0.1% really strongly feels you.

So by valueing and putting all your bets on one women, you make a way to big investment and by definitition you put them onto a pedestile.

You can only loose, even if a women like you and even if she get's not fastly disgusted by you for simping (pedestile) and signaling her that she can do better, chances are she will leave you eventually, and then you are devestated because you laid all your eggs in that one nest.

So no assume that every women will not be faithful or that even if she don't cheats is jumping to the monkey-branch to the next guy as soon as she finds them, then on paper not cheat because they do clean serial cheating with saying "it's over" before they go to the next guy without a gap.

You have to make her proof things if you want to become serious, over a better long time, otherwise I assume she can be gone every day and she will cheat. I don't even get angry about it, and I might be wrong, but I rather assume wrongfully that it's not serious than be suprised and hurt if I assumed she is into me.

Basically even if you want to take them serious eventually you signaling that you don't care about her to much makes her feel that she can't do better and you don't risk getting hurt.

Also your premise is wrong, man are evolutionary programmed to fuck as many women as possible not only 1 great one, that is the female breeding strategy, so yes fucking women you don't like is totally compatible with male evolutionary breeding strategy, and a good tactic to raise the chances to forward your genes.

Sure the sexist law system makes man suffer for forwarding their genes, but the idea would be to metigate that to still fuck the girls you have or who is not so compatible but check for contraception and stuff so that the sexist law can't fuck you.

[–]OwOFemboyUwU 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

The reason men focus on getting a girl is because that’s the usual rate limiting step for them. Men impose very lax conditions for compatibility only because they have to in order to not significantly struggle with women - if they focused on compatibility and filtered more women out, that’s a sure fire way to almost never get any success considering female selectiveness.

[–]dumbbitchcas 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Dating for anyone of any gender or attraction is abt finding someone your compatible with, period.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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