Money standards between two adults when it comes to dating.

Outrageous_Level3492 · 2025-04-12T18:30:46+00:00

So you're somewhere between the ages of twenty nine and forty four and you haven't worked out what you most probably want from life yet and also haven't covered your bases on the fact you might turn out to want something that requires money to make happen.

Well yeah this is going to make dating other adults difficult. Why wouldn't it? It's a teenager's perspective on life.

FearlessSea4270 · 2025-04-12T18:19:45+00:00

my lack of a career and earning potential holds me back. And like why?

Lifestyle incompatibility? Different priorities? Contrasting ambitions?

Shared values are the basis of any relationship. If those aren’t aligned, there’s no potential for a relationship.

CatchPhraze · 2025-04-12T19:23:18+00:00

You're presumably 28+. Yet you have few adult skills. This isn't just about finances, it's about you effectively being a teenager a decade past when it was acceptable.

No women at 28 wants to plan her weekend of coming over and watching a movie with you around what time your parents go to bed.

This is about your failure to launch, not her monetary expectation.

leosandlattes · 2025-04-12T18:55:45+00:00

For me there are a 2 things involved: I want a family and kids, and so logistically I have to make pragmatic decisions about creating a stable family environment. I have to think about worst case scenarios like if, for whatever reason, I'm unable to work due to pregnancy or birth complications.

The other part to this is that I cannot love men I don't respect, and I cannot respect lack of life milestones and lack of ambition or drive. It's not about a certain income necessarily, because I would date some PhD student making $35k on a stipend. But I need to see some sort of forward motion in life. Lack of life competence is a turn off. It's tied to hypergamous lizard brain.

S0yslut · 2025-04-12T21:28:07+00:00

I mean you have a lot of red flags so idk why you’re surprised you are struggling: 1. Being commitment phobic-you framed this as not sure you’ll ever want to live with a partner but that is in addition to the red flag of you not having focused on a “real career” whatever that means. Combining those reds flags you have eliminated yourself from dating just about anybody. Since 99.9% of people want to live with a significant other.

EulenWatcher · 2025-04-12T19:08:04+00:00

But it seems like when I put myself out there (both online and in real life) my lack of a career and earning potential holds me back. And like why?

Most women seek an LTR, which means they want to eventually start living together and maybe have kids. Doing these things with a chronically unemployed partner is very tricky, so...why is it surprising for you that women are concerned?

bluepvtstorm · 2025-04-12T18:33:31+00:00

I as an ambitious person would never date a person who is not matching my energy. It’s that simple.

I have a plan and goals and will be doing what I can to reach them. I will not drag someone alone with me who cannot match my earning potential. That would be detrimental to me in so many ways.

No thanks.

leosandlattes · 2025-04-12T18:23:59+00:00

u/Motor_Feed9945 Please clarify what you would like debated since you have flaired this Debate, or whether this fits better as a Q4W post since you are asking why women are not interested in dating a man with no established career and lives with his parents. Thank you!

hakunaa-matataa · 2025-04-12T19:49:59+00:00

I’m not entirely sure what the question is here. Is the question that “is it possible for me to get a woman to date me?” Sure. There’s 4 billion women out there, there HAS to be someone.

But I think your issue is what everyone else is mentioning. You’re 38, you live with your parents out of comfort, you have no plans to move out, and you don’t know what you want out of a relationship. I’m not saying that to shit on you, but I do think that would make dating exponentially harder for both men AND women if they were in your shoes.

It’s not that all women want you to provide for them, it’s that a lot of women want to know if you have similar values to her. I think it’ll be very challenging to find a woman who is okay with her boyfriend living with his parents for the rest of his life/doesn’t know “what he wants out of a relationship”. Again. I’m not saying it’s impossible, I’m sure there’s a woman out there who wants that. But that paired with social anxiety is unfortunately going to make dating harder. That and you have to consider if you’re actually physically attracted to this woman, too. Again, that lowers your options.

I seriously think if you moved out and were more intentional about what you wanted out of dating, your chances for a partner would improve EXPONENTIALLY.

RinoaRita · 2025-04-12T20:04:43+00:00

How old are you? All you say is millennial. Your situation is more common if you’re under 25 where you’re just looking for a fun time with no real thought about “where is this going?”

Once you’re a bit older people start looking for people they could see a future with. They’re looking to see if that person could be “it”. If you’re not interested in building a future your pool of people who are interested in that will be significantly smaller.

I would think that maybe someone who’s already been there done that that’s divorced and not interested in building a life and just want to be perma dating might be your best bet.

There might be some people that already feel that way without going though it but that tends to be smaller than the people who might be content with taking thing slow without any time line

freekin-bats11 · 2025-04-12T19:50:54+00:00

Finances are a major aspect determining quality of life. Most women care about being financially stable because poverty is really tough and stressful, and being able to afford a life of choices offers more chance at fufillment from increased access to opportunities and resources to build a happy life.

So naturally, many women who want to date men care that a man has similar financial goals so they can build wealth together and afford a life they both can afford together. A man who doesnt have a good job, career, or some reliable form of income can be an anchor to a woman who has certain career ambitions or life goals, which can vary in how much money it costs to achieve that.

I dont think any woman cares about a specific number in a mans bank account, but i think most women care that her partner is not a financial liability or threat that doesnt compliment her financial path and health.

Does that make sense?

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2025-04-12T20:41:43+00:00

I am not looking to provide for someone, I am not looking to have kids or start a family, maybe down the road I would consider living with someone but tha is at least years away.

Have you considered that other people might want to have kids and live with a partner?

Yet when I present myself women always seemed concerned about my finances.

Because life is expensive, and it's going to get more expensive. I'd be pretty worried about having a financial albatross around my neck in the near or even distant future.

Like yes I have health insurance, I have a car and drive, yes I can pay for the dates.

I mean, that's great and all, but life doesn't end with who can pay for the pasta primavera on date night. Rent, bills, potential investments, these are all things people have to think about and handle.

But the financial expectations placed on a guy who does not even really know what he is looking for yet

Sounds like the people who aren't interested have figured out what they want, and they either know you're not it, or they're not interested in someone who still hasn't figured that out.

Life-Income2986 · 2025-04-12T18:23:18+00:00

From the mid 00s all the way through to today I have never dated a woman whose standards for what I earn were greater than 'can support yourself and a normal social life'. No woman, ever, has expected me to earn more than that.

Financial_Leave4411 · 2025-04-12T19:23:54+00:00

Those women do exist. They are called sugar babies. Your best bet is to find one online and negotiate the terms.

WarmAdvantage7455 · 2025-04-12T19:24:02+00:00

I think they’re more worried about stability than anything. It’s not so much about earning a lot but it’s about having a steady income. But you really do need ambition of some sort. Ambition helps to show what kind of person you are and what you wish. It’s also almost impossible to have successful relationships when there’s no goal especially at that age

Icy_Ad_4544 · 2025-04-12T19:29:47+00:00

I think your best bet would be to find a neurodivergent woman in similar circumstances as yourself. The average neurotypical woman is looking for a life partner - they do not want to date someone for years just for something to do to pass the time. They look forward to creating independence from their family of origin and most want to create their own family.

Novadina · 2025-04-13T00:10:50+00:00

As a millennial, I wouldn’t date someone who lived off their parents and didn’t know what they want. I’m not a teenager, I’m middle aged… and I don’t want to be meeting the parents everytime I go over for a sexy night, or be with someone who lives like a teenager. I don’t even understand how you would be confused about this.

PracticalControl2179 · 2025-04-13T01:49:03+00:00

Sir take accountability. You want to indefinitely live with your parents and have no real ambition and don’t want a family. You’re 38 as well per your profile. A niche group of women will be cool with it, but it’s a niche group. Instead of blaming women and getting upset with them and accusing them of being gold diggers, for not being into you, find the niche women. They won’t necessarily be young hotties. They will also be likely unambitious and living with their parents and have their own set of issues.

Realistic-Ad-1023 · 2025-04-13T03:12:40+00:00

Why would someone want to date you over anyone else?

thotisms_speaks · 2025-04-13T06:18:58+00:00

In theory you could date a woman living a similar lifestyle, but she might be looking to move out of her parents' house too, in which case you're competing with men who have their own homes or can afford to split rent.

What's going to happen to you when your parents die or have to move into a nursing home?

Siukslinis_acc · 2025-04-13T07:26:14+00:00

But it seems like when I put myself out there (both online and in real life) my lack of a career and earning potential holds me back. And like why?

Financial stability is a very important aspect in relationships.

There might also be the thing of people thinking about having children, which will require additional finances.

Not to mention that we are constantly bombarded by the messagings that you have to climb the creer ladder. Thus people feel preassured and being laughed out if they have the mindset of "i'm high enough, i don't see a point climbing further".

NoDanaOnlyZuuI · 2025-04-13T15:56:00+00:00

Do the women you’re dating know you don’t want to live with them or start a family? That’s likely a larger stumbling block than your salary.

A woman wanting a relationship and family is going to want to ensure she’s dating someone who will contribute to her life - not be another dependent

ThatBitchA · 2025-04-12T19:04:03+00:00

I live with my parents and a career has never been my top priority.

I don't consider this an adult.

But the financial expectations placed on a guy who does not even really know what he is looking for yet does not get discussed enough.

This is also a turnoff. How can you consider yourself an adult and still not know what you're looking for?

Take some accountability. Move out of your parents home. If you're not career oriented, find something else to be passionate and interesting about.

There's nothing interesting or appealing about a guy who doesn't know what he wants and lives with his parents.

justdontsashay · 2025-04-12T18:28:32+00:00

What are you trying to debate?

Most women who go on dates (as opposed to casual hookups) are evaluating whether you seem to have shared goals, and there’s any potential future.

Most women who are dating and looking at a potential future would find someone who has no desire to ever get a real job or move out of his parents’ house to be incompatible with their lifestyle and goals.

Unless you find someone who also just wants to casually date forever, never live with someone or build a future together, etc, this will continue to be a stumbling block for you.

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Slow-Narwhal486 · 2025-04-12T19:41:48+00:00

An ambitious woman is unlikely to want to date an unambitious man. Going on dates with him first would just be a waste of time for both of them.

Are you employed? As a woman with strong career aspirations, I would be very concerned if a man I was dating had no career. I would personally see that as a sign that the man is indecisive and apathetic/lazy (I'm not trying to be mean lol, this is just how I would interpret the situation). You don't need to be making 6 figures to get a date, but you'll likely need to make enough money to just be financially independent. Living with your parents isn't a dealbreaker if you're doing so to save money for a home, but living there with no plans to move out is going to be a turn-off for a lot of women.

It also sounds like you don't really know what you want out of life- which is okay, it's all part of the journey. However, it will make dating much more difficult for you. Someone who already knows what they want/has a vision for their life will most likely want to date a person who also knows what they want out of life. People typically want to date others who have similar goals and values. Your options are going to be super limited, as I'm guessing you're mid - late thirties. Rather than trying to date now, I think your efforts would be better spent figuring out what you want out of life. It's going to be a lot easier to find a woman who's compatible with you once you decide what you want out of life and a relationship.

girlypop_xo · 2025-04-12T20:29:18+00:00

Finances matter in dating, not because women are shallow or want someone to bankroll their life but because money reflects deeper things like stability, maturity, and how someone handles adulthood. It’s not about needing a guy to be super rich, but when a man doesn’t have a career, long term goals, or a sense of direction it gives off “failure to launch” energy. It’s less about income and more about showing momentum and taking life seriously.

Living at home and figuring things out isn’t a red flag on its own but if someone is fine staying in that in between phase forever, ofc it raises questions about compatibility. Dating gives you a glimpse of what life with someone might look like. Finances aren’t just about who pays, they show how someone plans, handles stress, and whether they’re someone you can rely on. Your lifestyle isn’t wrong, it just doesn't align with what a lot of women are looking for. When finances come up it’s usually about what they represent, not just the dollar amount!

Objective_Ad_6265 · 2025-04-12T21:14:14+00:00

We need to be able to survive together with out money combined. And I can provide that on my single income. So he can come with 0, no income, just don't be a bug minus, don't make debts... I can pay for everything. But the standard is to be able to survive together with our money combined, in relationship there are only OUR money.

attendquoi · 2025-04-12T22:55:21+00:00

How do you have enough money to pay for dates but not enough to move out?

RecognitionSoft9973 · 2025-04-13T22:50:07+00:00

I don't know why this is such a big deal for women either. Especially career women. I get that people don't want to be used for their money (men or women). When I was on FB Dating, one guy asked me about what anime I liked to watch, and then immediately followed up with a question asking what I did for work and what my finances looked like. I was like... WTF. I refuse to mention my employment or any work-related stuff on my dating profiles. I also don't really look at this stuff on men's profiles. I mean, I hope the guy I'm into works, or is capable of working. When you're in your 30s, you kind of have to work to survive and feed yourself. I don't care about what he does as long as it's not illegal.

yes I can pay for the dates

What type of first dates are you taking women on? First dates should be like coffee or walking in the park. Why do these women care so much?

MyLastBestChance · 2025-04-12T18:44:08+00:00

So you’re 38, live with your parents, smoke a lot of weed, make $12k per year and have no friends, zero relationship experience and no plans or ambition?

You’re basically an overgrown teenager / aka an extreme failure to launch 🤷‍♀️.

I did see that you said that you’re recently diagnosed as autistic. If that was an official diagnosis, not a casual or self diagnosis, you may be eligible for services through your local DPWD or Medicaid that might include social skills, a caseworker etc.

Perhaps consider (again depending on the validity of your diagnosis) joining social groups catering to neurodivergent adults. Maybe you will find someone similarly situated to spend time with.

It’s really doubtful that a neurotypical adult woman is going to be interested in a romantic relationship.

Realistically what could you possibly have in common? Is she going to come over to watch you play video games while your mom makes you chicken nuggets and does your laundry?

It’s not just the money, it’s the whole picture that’s problematic.

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Motor_Feed9945 · 2025-04-12T18:26:14+00:00

I am curious why women seem to put a career standard on a guy they have never been on a date with. Lime shouldn't they go on a dae first with him before make a judgment like that?

Accomplished_Bass640 · 2025-04-13T16:15:32+00:00

Maybe try an alternative dating app like Feeld where you can explain you’re not looking for cohabitation, marriage, or family, but are still interested in a committed partnership. And that you’re neurodivergent, and maybe list some hobbies you have that you’d like to share w a partner (board games? Rock climbing? What’s fun for you?) Then see what happens! There’s a lid for every pot but you need to be in the right spaces.

Motor_Feed9945 · 2025-04-12T18:31:08+00:00

Yes that is fine. Thank you so much.

Title	Money standards between two adults when it comes to dating.
Author	Motor_Feed9945
Upvotes	1
Comments	309
Date	April 12, 2025 6:15 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1jxnmvg/money_standards_between_two_adults_when_it_comes/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/money-standards-between-two-adults-when-it-comes.1549344 https://theredarchive.com/post/1549344

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