Reasons men should not always "decenter relationships"

Artistic_Speech_1965 · 2025-03-29T23:27:36+00:00

I agree with the idea but I still think living as a single man has many advantages. I noticed I have to give up on certain conveniences about my life/goals if I wanted to be in a relationship

aspiring-math-PHD · 2025-03-30T01:34:10+00:00

for men that aren't desirable, it best to focus on themselves, because it takes a dipropionate amount of effort to get a relationship. However if you are desirable then it costs way less and you still have time to grow whilst dating. I think its best to avoid the pain of multiple rejections to no end, and just focus on having good friends. That's been my experience.

FearlessSea4270 · 2025-03-29T22:13:11+00:00

I think right middle ground is to just focus on enjoying your own life and leave a window open for romantic opportunities as they pass by.

Focusing 100% on something that’s 95% out of your control is a recipe for madness.

Feeling_Ad_1034 · 2025-03-30T00:01:47+00:00

I made a hard rule that wouldn’t commit to one person and I would highly recommend that. I’m just horny enough to always be able to squeeze in dates and be actively swiping and messaging on the apps to get them. I also go out to the bar scene in my big town/small city at least once a week to keep my game up.

The goal is to find someone who gives me a reason to commit exclusively to her. If I always have options I’ll never fall victim to loneliness.

Monk mode is dangerous because you get lonely and then you’re more likely to take the first girl that shows interest and is good in bed.

ForGiggles2222 · 2025-03-30T04:23:56+00:00

None of these are arguments against decentering relationship but against being totally averse to getting a relationship.

Furthermore, some of these are strawmen, nothing implies stopping working on yourself after getting into a relationship, quite the opposite, men who only worl on themselves for a relationship will stop working on themselves once they're in one.

The fact that men don't derive as much fulfillment from platonic relationships and hobbies isn't a failure on their part but on men's part, men's friendship are notorious for not being deep and vulnerable.

Blue__Ronin · 2025-03-29T23:46:21+00:00

-You can and should “work on yourself” at any time regardless of your relationship status. Further, the implication that you can only work on yourself when single is not only incorrect, it is harmful, because people should still be improving themselves while in relationships. There is also good evidence that men in relationships take better care of themselves in general.

Men often sacrifice doing things that would benefit their character and personhood morally and objectively to get ahead in the dating market.

Men who are relationship reliant often fail to take care of themselves outside of relationships.

Romantic relationships provide many benefits that platonic relationships cannot, such as love, intimacy, deeper connection, and of course eventual family formation. Additionally, in most cases, the prominence & time spent with friends peaks in early adulthood and heavily wanes as you age. For some reason this basic truth is extremely controversial on this sub and people here insist that friendships are of greater import than a literal life partner.

Platonic relationships can have intimacy, deeper connection, and platonic brotherly love. One can create their own family by just creating a tight and close knit group of friends.

It is because men are less focused on finding friends and more focused on finding dates and focusing on relationships that men spend less time on friendships.

-Caring about things like “balancing out the dating market” as a reason for staying single is simply ridiculous, and people should do whatever is in their interest rather than worrying about contributing to long-term trends.

People should always think long term and think of the greater good, as long term gratification is always more rewarding than instant.

-Idealistic notions such as “men can live more purposeful lives when they are single” have no actual meaning and should be disregarded.

Men often spend a lot of time chasing women and relationships and letting it occupy their mind rather than focusing on things that they have full control over the outcome of: such as self-improvement and careers and life callings.

-Refusing to ever pursue women because you’re afraid she might get upset is an extreme case of rationalizing cowardice.

Though some may do this, majority of men who are saying decenter relationships are simply doing it as it would benifit them to not place personal value and esteem off of how many women they've hooked up with and/or dated. Men often over rely on women for cooking, self-care, validation, and vulnerability.

subreddi-thor · 2025-03-29T23:50:34+00:00

A lot of the things you list are ideas involved within decentering relationships. Working on oneself, having friends, not basing ones self worth on the relationship, setting proper boundaries, being selective with who you begin a relationship with. All of these are ideas championed by decentering relationships.

As for this point: "Caring about things like “balancing out the dating market” as a reason for staying single is simply ridiculous, and people should do whatever is in their interest rather than worrying about contributing to long-term trends."

A lot of people here complain about women having more options in the dating market and therefore being more selective. If one is willing to complain, one should be willing to put their action behind their mouth. Rather than telling women they should be less selective, stop serving yourself up to women on a silver platter for them to choose from. If men were less desperate women wouldn't have room to be selective the way they are currently. It's not a matter of caring about long-term trends, but of caring about a force you've witnessed that impacts you everyday. Not giving women the unconditional attention we've consistently given them IS what's in your interest. That doesn't mean not dating. It just means not necessarily being the pursuer. Letting it happen rather than chasing it, and being happy being single. If women can do it, why can't men?

TheRedPillRipper · 2025-03-30T00:46:42+00:00

In my personal experience there is virtually nothing in life more satisfying than romantic relationships

I’m the other way inclined, I would never de-center myself, from my life. For example there was nothing quite like achieving one of my biggest life goals a few years back. Love my wife. Absolutely love my kids. They however, are only one facet of my life.

This is what TRP gets right; one’s mission is paramount. It’s exactly the same for my wife. If her dreams force her to decide between our marriage, and her happiness? I’d say go. I would never ask her, nor take responsibility for being the reason that prevented her from fulfilling her dreams.

KayRay1994 · 2025-03-30T01:23:10+00:00

It’s all about finding the right balance. In other words, are you internally in a healthy enough place for a relationship? If the answer is yes, I see no issue on giving that aspect some attention. If the answer is no, while you can get a relationship, it is far more likely to be an unhealthy one that will leave you and your potential partner worse.

Another part of it is that the act of wanting a relationship or finding one should not take over your life or emotional state. If you find yourself in a state of misery because you couldn’t get a relationship, or if you prioritize that over other things in your life you’re probably doing it wrong

iamexercised · 2025-03-30T07:59:54+00:00

This take is dripping with arrogance and completely ignores the fact that people have different priorities, values, and life paths. The idea that romantic relationships are the ultimate fulfillment for everyone is just self-centered projection.

First off, working on yourself while in a relationship is obviously a good thing, but let’s not pretend like relationships don’t fundamentally change the way people prioritize their time, energy, and focus. Some people prefer to build themselves up before bringing someone else into their life—this isn’t “harmful”; it’s a personal choice. Acting like delaying relationships is some naive mistake rather than a valid approach is absurd.

Your stance on platonic relationships is even worse. Just because friendships tend to wane over time does not mean they’re inherently less valuable than romantic relationships. If anything, that’s a symptom of people neglecting friendships in favor of their partners, which often leads to isolation when that relationship ends. A spouse should not be your entire support system—that’s how you breed unhealthy dependency.

And speaking of dependency, you completely brush off concerns about it, as if emotional self-sufficiency is just “irrational anxiety.” No, it’s called being a functional adult. There’s a difference between healthy interdependence and making your partner the sole pillar of your identity. The fact that you were miserable without a relationship doesn’t mean everyone else is, nor does it mean hobbies and personal fulfillment are “trivial bullshit.” Maybe you need a partner to feel like your life has meaning, but that’s not some universal truth.

Also, “men can live more purposeful lives when single” having “no actual meaning” is just you deciding that perspectives you don’t like are invalid. Plenty of men find purpose in career, passions, friendships, or personal growth. The fact that you couldn’t is not proof that they don’t.

And let’s address this nonsense about men being “cowards” if they don’t pursue relationships. Some people just don’t want to date, some prioritize other aspects of life first, and some have seen enough toxic relationships to be cautious. That isn’t cowardice—it’s choice. And yeah, being too passive in dating can be a problem, but pretending like everyone who hesitates is just making excuses is a childish oversimplification.

Finally, this whole “find love when you’re young or you’ll regret it” fearmongering is just sad. People find love at all ages, and the idea that you’ll automatically regret focusing on yourself is just your personal bias talking. If you want a relationship, great—go for it. But stop acting like everyone must share your perspective, because not everyone is as terrified of being alone as you seem to be.

Substantial_Video560 · 2025-03-30T10:27:14+00:00

I feel no desire to be in a relationship whatsoever nowadays. Learnt to embrace being single 100%

NataliaCaptions · 2025-03-30T19:29:58+00:00

Romantic relationships provide many benefits that platonic relationships cannot, such as love, intimacy, deeper connection

deeper connection

Most men cannot even be vulnerable in front of their wives/gfs or they will lose attraction lol

Puzzleheaded_ghost · 2025-04-03T06:55:46+00:00

You can search for and be in a relationship without your self-worth being based on being in a relationship. Further, the anxiety around the idea of being “dependent” on someone is irrational, it should be expected that people are to some extent “dependent” on their spouse who they love and vowed to share a life with, and there is nothing wrong with that.

100% this is the point. Personal self-worth cannot be neglected. Reproduction is biologically sacrosanct. Be the animal you were meant to be. Have pride in that—no need to beat yourself up if someone else doesn't value you. Just don't go fishing in sewers.

Outside_Memory5703 · 2025-03-30T00:11:40+00:00

How about we just let men do what they want?

If they want to be antisocial, let them be antisocial

If they want to be simps, let them be simps

They have their very own eyes and brains, and can make decisions by using them

flipsidetroll · 2025-03-30T08:06:03+00:00

I ….. I…… well, every few weeks, I get shocked and agree with a redpill man. Far too much common sense in this post for you to be redpilled, but yes, I agree with most of what you said here. But it’s fun to see other redpillers arguing with you. It literally proves there is no one-size-fits-all answer. And even internally, you can’t agree with each other.

Patient_Eye_614 · 2025-03-30T00:29:26+00:00

I hate this argument so much, and I’m so glad this post was made…

I’d bet almost any human could attempt to fulfill his or her life with things other than an intimate life-partner, such as money, fitness, exploring, whatever it may be, HAVE great success in most or all of those areas, and still they wouldn’t want to die alone (without an intimate life partner). If I got to the finish line with every other aspect of my life fulfilled, I’d still trade it all in a heartbeat just to have a hand to hold and have someone who I can care about deeply, and who shares those feelings mutually.

There’s a huge wave of people encouraging men to literally just be hermits, eunuchs essentially, and just deal with it. (The way we’re expected to “just deal with” whatever else life may throw at us with a stiff chin.) It is utter bullshit. Humans are social creatures. Science proves this again and again. The whole “give up and die alone” thing towards men is shameful.

Edit:typo

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Jetpine9 · 2025-03-30T00:16:59+00:00

Basically I think your points are excellent but I disagree somewhat on the proportion of emphasis placed on "life partner" vs friendships. I agree with the person who said finding a life partner is a bit of a long shot, especially if you have any eccentricities about you. And most people do have neuroses of one sort or another. Friendships have been denigrated into a minor subsidiary role in men's lives, and romantic relationships elevated beyond what is realistic (put on a pedestal?). I agree that romantic love is life changing and probably the deepest kind of relationship you can have. But - sometimes it isn't built to last, and that's ok. Friendship, on the other hand, has the ability to be durable and meaningful beyond what people give it credit for.

Any-Photo9699 · 2025-03-30T06:47:17+00:00

In my personal experience there is virtually nothing in life more satisfying than romantic relationships, and I was at my most miserable when I was trying to convince myself that trivial bullshit like hobbies was enough to fulfill me instead of a relationship

That should be enough to explain it all tbh. Not every man is the same as you. Most guys could easily live their lives happily without needing a relationship. Most would even benefit from using their time more efficiently than chasing women.

Think I’m wrong? Ask the average married man whether he would rather lose his wife, or lose his possessions, friends, and job.

Well it would be really problematic if a guy would just ditch his wife like that. That being said obviously someone who spend years with their partner won't want to leave them after already putting that much time and effort into their relationship. That being said, a guy who is already single doesn't have a reason to grind for something that he may or may not achieve after decades of effort. People don't just randomly have a wife that they spent years with delivered to their door step.

The best time to find and develop a relationship is when you are young, life will pass you by in an instant. You may live to regret living aimlessly with a vague notion of “focusing on yourself”

This just sounds like FOMO from some mobile game company. You can also say "The best time to build up your life is when you're young. Life will pass you by in an instant, don't waste it chasing after girls" just the same way.

gnomeweb · 2025-03-30T16:42:36+00:00

-Idealistic notions such as “men can live more purposeful lives when they are single” have no actual meaning and should be disregarded.

I mean, if your purpose is to not be single then it's true, by being single you fail your purpose. However in that case I would question if it is indeed your purpose if you are failing it so hard

If you find your purpose in anything else, then being single or not makes no difference to these things. Einstein didn't make some of the most important scientific breakthroughs in the history of humanity simply because he was married.

Realistic-Ad-1023 · 2025-03-30T18:09:52+00:00

The entire point of “decentering women” is mostly your third to last point.

It doesn’t mean “don’t date, fuck women”

It means “a relationship is the not the only purpose in your life. You should have a full and joyful life whether you are in a relationship or not. Not everyone will get a life partner and will continue just dating for the remainder of their lives. Some people get divorced. Some partners die. You should be okay to exist regardless. A relationship will not fix you or complete you. A relationship can enhance your life and be a fulfilling aspect of it. If you wish to date and feel called to it, great. But do not make it your life’s only purpose, only meaning and everything in your life is entirely focused on that single aspect.”

New-Cold-1113 · 2025-03-29T22:40:15+00:00

Its bs advice. Intimate relationships are the key part of human experience if most ppl followed that advice we'll be an extinct race. It usually misses the forest for the trees. Its fine to follow if you already have dating experience and necessary skills to find a partner once youre done focusing on yourselves to get back in the market. Fact is if you havent been on a single date in the 16-21 window and youre not handsome/rich/socially good, its not a choice but fate.

Title	Reasons men should not always "decenter relationships"
Author	Eater0fChildren
Upvotes	29
Comments	156
Date	March 29, 2025 10:10 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1jmxmen/reasons_men_should_not_always_decenter/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/reasons-men-should-not-always-decenter.1548028 https://theredarchive.com/post/1548028

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