To those who are blue pill or no pill who believe in gender equality, what would you tell your kids to equip them for healthy dating and relationships?

NarniaFox · 2021-08-18T10:54:27+00:00

I think dating advice is less important than having healthy relationships with kids and your spouse in the first place. It's easier to form stable and fulfilling relationships, when you've actually seen them in real life and when you have good communication skills and self-esteem.

What I'd advise/try to teach them explicitly:

You're valuable whether you're dating someone or not.
You don't have to date someone to be happy and contented.
Have you own life, goals, hobbies and interests. Your dating life shouldn't be the only source of meaning and validation for you.
Consent is important.
Avoid drama, most often it doesn't lead to fulfilling relationships and you just lose your time.
Do sport. It isn't just dating-related though, as it's good for your health and mental well-being.
If you can't imagine being friends with your date if there wasn't any romantic attraction between you, maybe you should reconsider your decision to date them.
Be initiative. It's better to get rejected than to wonder "what if". Rejection is normal, you should learn to take it.
Stay safe. This one includes lots of things - use protection, don't go to their place on the first date, don't just take their word that they're on pills etc.
Watch how they treat you and others. If they're badmouthing their past partners, most likely they'll do the same to you. If they're rude to a waitress, if they claim that everyone mistreats them, if their actions and words seem to head to different directions, they aren't the person you should be dating.
Cheating is unacceptable. And a cheater will cheat again.
If you have issues with your partner, you should discuss them.
Relationship requires work from both partners.

I'm sure I've missed something.

John_Oakman · 2021-08-18T16:28:18+00:00

A life of virtue will be a life of suffering, but at the end of the day still worth striving for.

NPCFactChecker · 2021-08-18T16:41:37+00:00

I was told this by my blue pill dad "Money is the ONLY thing that matters in this life for us."

And tbh he was right. I'd be screwed being 5'7" without Money.

So I guess it's really just about income Maxxing unless a tall girl wants to settle down with me to break out the shorty gulag that women put men in.

Pls hmu if you're a tall Desi 🙏

Novadina · 2021-08-18T15:52:16+00:00

I would lead by example by having an equal and loving partnership with my husband. I would give them sex education so they know how to avoid pregnancy, and I would teach them about consent. I would make sure they have plenty of opportunities to make friends so they have experience with relationships with others.

I have been with my partner 15 years and some younger family members that are now young adults have specifically told us that they are searching for a partner to have a relationship like ours. You don’t actually need to even say anything for children to learn from you.

WerewolfPleasant · 2021-08-18T16:43:13+00:00

I think for me it would be less about what I tell them and more the example I set and the activities I encourage.

-be in a stable exemplary relationship, if divorce occurs, how you handle conflict will have major effects so do it amicably and with maturity. I think casual sex, while not always the case, is supplementary and without realizing what a healthy relationship looks like its easy to deduce from peers sex is the only worthwhile objective.

-encourage sport or at least activities that require development of physical competence and social competence. I think a lot of kids are struggling from being around screens too much. Not that screens should be avoided, but it shouldnt be the only source of stimulation on a young mind.

As for what I'd tell them I think is very dependent on context. Too often I think kids see adults watch or do stuff without explanation. Kids see shit on TV and dont know what it means or ask questions, leaving them to piece together through other kids. If your kids watching shows with sex scenes and violence, have clear responses to what it means. I guess I would try to instill:

-highschool Isnt everything

-you arent gross for what you like

-most things arent personal, they are more about the other person than you.

-be clear about what you want and what you ask for

-dont let other people tell you what you are feeling

-its good to watch others succeed, and do your best to understand why they succeeded.

Sophiatab · 2021-08-18T18:50:25+00:00

Treat people with respect and kindness. Recognize the signs of dangerous personality types and avoid them.

2021-08-18T19:28:11+00:00

Their dad and I will love them a lot, so they're not searching for it from childhood neglect like a lot of people are.

And we'll teach them as much as we can about how to be a functioning human, how to think about stress, embarrassment, rejection, and loneliness. I'll answer all their questions

When they misbehave it'll be a conversation about WHY their behavior was bad, how to do better next time, and forgive them and encourage the good part of their behavior. and I won't get irrationally angry at nonsense, like eating with mouth open. I grew up with a screaming angry mother that'd just take away my computer, I never learned a damn thing except how to hide from everything, internalized self hatred and all that. And if my kid is aware they did something wrong I'll support them.

All that, and generally teaching them to think critically so they can make good decisions for themselves. And not being a controlling parent, just a parent that's there for them and one of the main people they can trust.

tonyghow · 2021-08-18T19:42:24+00:00

For my kids: embrace your passions and hobbies. Find people to date in those circles.

Reasoning: IMO, people that are interested in totally different things eventually grow apart.

SaBahRub · 2021-08-18T15:52:15+00:00

“No one likes whining, self pity and negativity. Which is what you’re doing”

Aka what I wish my parents had told me

Bonus question: “why should someone want to date you?”

HumanNumber348 · 2021-08-18T17:40:29+00:00

You don’t need a partner to be happy.

Respect boundaries, both other people’s and your own.

Have fun.

343_peaches_and_tea · 2021-08-18T13:57:21+00:00

Nothing dating wise.

I think it's more important to teach my sons to be social, confident and physically active. They can figure out the rest.

Oh and because they're boys we need to have the consent talk at some point.

heywoodsr · 2021-08-18T14:38:51+00:00

I would tell my child to always look from someone in the same class as your parent/parents raised you. Don’t get involved with someone who does not hold the same POLITICAL. ,MORAL AND RELIGIOUS VALUES AS WE DO. It doesn’t work any other way. It is a fantasy to think a girl who,for example,who is a doctors daughter could meet and have a relationship with the child of homeless people.

ThrowJordan · 2021-08-18T14:40:38+00:00

Nothing.

If you have a great relationship with your spouse and you both have good interpersonal child-parent relationships your child will have enough confidence and enough examples to know how to navigate dating.

I (a woman) am very close to my dad, and whenever I dated men, I would directly compare them to my father, and when they don’t meet the mark I simply cut it off. It has worked for me. I’ve had 2 long term relationships, one that ended on good note because the person had to move countries and one that’s led to marriage.

You don’t need to play a lot of these mental gymnastic games with either gender. In face I will say these games make everyone sad and miserable as hell due to high anxiousness that leads to self sabotage.

duskst0ne · 2021-08-18T11:06:45+00:00

I don't have kids yet, but I think I would teach them the basics about stuff like consent and safety, and then give advice on their individual relationship problems as they came up. Making sure they are well-socialized (stuff like limiting screen time and making them participate in sports) and have healthy self-esteem and a secure attachment are probably more helpful than giving them specific advice on dating.

I don't think you can prevent your kids from ever having a toxic relationship, and trying to do so would just contribute more to the pathological risk avoidance that young people today already have too much of. Some things you need to learn from experience, and the role of a parent is more to offer support and advice on how to get out of a bad relationship situation.

TotalTravesty · 2021-08-18T11:48:01+00:00

I would warn against toxic types by teaching them about toxic behavior: emotional manipulation, exploitation, lying, etc. How do you find a good partner? By reminding yourself every day that you’re worth someone who won’t use you or play games to control you. Be your own person first and build a life that makes you happy independent of a romantic relationship. Once you do, no man or woman can tear that down.

Mrs_Drgree · 2021-08-18T13:14:25+00:00

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superlurkage · 2021-08-18T14:22:48+00:00

I would tell them to get themselves right first

AntifaSuperSwoledier · 2021-08-18T14:37:37+00:00

Don't get pregnant, don't have a baby.

SuperSupremeKai · 2021-08-18T16:06:52+00:00

Wait till you're married. That's what I did, and what your mother did.

Assuming I ever even get the chance to get married, that is, let alone get a virgin like me.

lavender-lesbian · 2021-08-18T20:07:33+00:00

well hopefully i would mostly lead by example

for children i would tell them it’s better to have a job, a car, and stable housing/income and it’s good for their partners to have those things too.

i would also tell them they don’t need a relationship to be happy. they’re whole human beings without a relationship.

i’d also warn them about safe sex practices(generally and also depending on their sexuality) and let them know what constitutes a “yikes” in a relationship.

“i’ll kill myself if you leave me/i’m nothing without you”
“if you don’t do….., i’ll leave you”
generally them being grabby/or snatching things out of their hands (means no manners and no respect for their partner)
possessive and extreme jealousy, some jealousy is good, but not letting their partner have friends is shitty and leads to resentment
negging, being rude to a partner, etc.
constant arguing or escalating arguments
no social life outside of partner. that’s a huge red flag. if they don’t have friends/a way to occupy their time aside from the relationship, that’s weird.
idk just blatant sexism(misandry or misogyny) or racism or homophobia(i’m a lesbian so even if my kid is straight their partner should not be homophobic)

that’s kind of all i can think of in terms of a red flag at least for me rn? at least as like at the start of a relationship

but again, most of this shit is just basic manners that can either be learned through experience or seen in how the parent’s relationship is

fakingandnotmakingit · 2021-08-18T20:12:01+00:00

Is better to be single than to be in a miserable relationship

I also think relationships should not be the be all and end all of life.

Regardless though :

do something physical and stay relatively healthy
know what style suits you
be financially stable
have a good social circle. You'd be surprised at how many people judge you by the company you keep

-. Be self - sufficient

find some one you'll be compatible with.
have goals outside of dating and know what you're worth and stick to that
figure out what life you want, find out what member of the sex you want would also want that. Find out how to attract that sort of person specifically

midwestufohunter · 2021-08-18T16:51:52+00:00

Be financially independent.

wtknight · 2021-08-18T12:18:37+00:00

I’d tell them not to have sex with someone until you’re in love with them and they’re in love with you. This has worked well for me. The biggest problem that people have is having sex too soon.

flapperfemmefatale · 2021-08-18T15:35:35+00:00

I'd raise them to not need a relationship (or sex) until they meet someone worthy.

Orange_Paisley · 2021-08-18T15:46:37+00:00

Boys: Respect women, take “no” for a complete answer.

Girls: Go to school and build a career. Put dating on hold as long as possible.

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CheeseMonger96 · 2021-08-18T21:47:03+00:00

Work smart, study hard and find so thing you're good at or passionate about. Treat others as you would like to be treated yourself. Steer clear from people who play games. If they aren't keen, move on. Make sure you look after yourself and present yourself well, be aware that what you show outwards should reflect what you aspire to be. Not everybody will like you but that is ok. Just prioritise the ones that do.

bananafor · 2021-08-18T23:27:37+00:00

Pay attention to whether your friends like your partner. Make a point of trying to get the true opinion of friends you trust.

Don't live together before you are married because it makes it too hard to leave when you should. It's comfortable, it's convenient, but it's a mistake. It also makes it too easy to drift along without making a decision.

cloudsongs_ · 2021-08-19T00:41:09+00:00

I'd encourage and foster communication skills and developing emotional intelligence/self-reflection as early as I can. I'd advice them to find someone who they think is truly virtuous and would grow with them rather than remain stagnant.

moviecooknl · 2021-08-19T05:22:03+00:00

Not BP, but I would state: know your values, needs and wants and your boundaries. Communicate and defend your boundaries in a constructive way and do not accept anyone in your life (as your partner) who does not respect and accept your boundaries.

Glum_Status94 · 2021-08-19T05:47:21+00:00

be see and aware for red flags no matter who u dating or fucking

EfficientComputer5 · 2021-08-19T09:27:23+00:00

I'd teach them classic cannon of wisdom. I'd apply the proverb "know thyself, win half a thousand battles, know thyself and thy enemy and not find loss in any" ( kinda paraphrased that)

Point is, you aren't actually loving anything if you do not know what it is. Love as it truly is must be applied for comprehension. Without understanding of what actually is, no other tactic works or has any value. You apply it universally, friend and foe alike, as love is essentially a cognitive tool for maximum perception. Until it is applied you cannot know your own relationships, you cannot know if the person you want to be with is capable or willing of it. It's all common sense past that, there's almost nothing left to be taught.

That's also why people without compassion are bound to always be wrong, seemingly no matter what they do.

LightGlows · 2021-08-19T10:48:04+00:00

I'd say go for it when they are like 14, I'd really try to talk them up a little bit so they just go for it and try to get them out of any sort of self-esteem nonsense if they suffer from it at all.

Everyone is so shy at that age that just actually going up to a person and asking is gonna put you in top 5% as long you aren't the ugliest person in class

I'd tell them to stay safe and probably pull examples of people who ruined their early life by getting pregnant that I knew back when I was young, I'd start the stay safe shit at 12 or possibly younger

I'd try to get them interested in a sport at a young age, being physically fit is important both for dating and just mental well being and having a habit built up from young age is much more optimal than trying to build it later. + there is a huge social net you can plug into if you do team based sports, it's ridiculous.

I will do my best to keep them away from video games and excessive internet usage, i will fail but I will do my best

I will do my best to get them to value goals for life and having jobs but my genes are kind of a cheat(excluding teeth, my kids def gonna need braces) so as long as they stay social and have any sort of jobs they will do fine, if it's a boy and he ends up being a computer dwelling dweeb i am gonna push him to go to school really hard though, it will be his only chance for any sort of sex success

For the most part though I'd just try to have as solid relationships with my kid/s as possible from as early as possible, I really feel like this is where some parents are failing hard(mine did at least and my brother is currently failing with his kid in this). You can't expect them to listen to you or even care about you if you don't lay the groundwork. I kinda look at dating the same way tbh, just push your kid to be social/physically fit and they will end up having at least a semi normal sex/dating life, lay the groundwork and you won't even need to focus on giving him or her dating advice, they will figure it out with their friends

merlinscalculator · 2021-08-18T13:50:30+00:00

I’m childfree because I want to avoid these conversations. How do you even begin to explain this shit

RunsWlthScissors · 2021-08-19T02:56:32+00:00

That’s not your job. Your job is raising the little barbarians to be confident, independent, and humble enough to make good enough decisions. If you raise them right, this and other things shouldn’t be an issue.

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