Feeling like a failure after divorce

Bipolar_investor · 2022-03-20T15:29:00+00:00

Welcome to the community of "failures" according to your description.

In fact, we are not failures, we are a bunch of dudes that understood that life can't go always our way, and to make the best out of it. Love oneself, invest in oneself, protect oneself.

"Your assets, education, career, kids will never wake up one morning and decide to leave you"

AirSailer · 2022-03-20T17:03:54+00:00

You're about to do something extremely hard... to do what's right for you and your kids... That is the opposite of failure.

playerknowmore · 2022-03-20T15:48:14+00:00

Let me guess; even when you are there her life is on her phone. Sex totally stopped in the last six months. You can't do anything right. Sounds like a monkey branch.

Don't ask her she will only lie. Her plans started months ago; get on board divorce is happening. Go speak to an attorney tomorrow. Be prepared to protect your money. Her affair doesn't concern you, and worrying about it will only lead to your failure.

She doesn't hate you because something you did; she hates you because something she is doing to you. Stepfather number one will surface in the next few months, or after the divorce. You don't have time to wallow in pity, or grieve your marriage; you have to prepare to fight. She preparing to move on and have you subsidize her new life. You have been warned.

warrior_up · 2022-03-20T17:48:15+00:00

Rich Cooper - Entrepreneur in Cars, Rollo Tamasi - The Rational Male

Once you get educated on marriage in 2022 you’ll see that you didn’t fail, you just weren’t playing a game on a level playing field. Like Ray Charles trying to hit a baseball - you stood no chance. You can’t compete against the excitement and emotion of new relationship feels and attention seeking on social media nor her group of divorced single mothers fueling her desire to “start fresh” “find herself” - it was just your turn man. Her dreams will come crashing in very hard as the wall approaches and reality sets in that no men really want to date single mothers

Read as much as you can - the better you feel. I used to fall asleep to it. Get that till death do us part BS out of your head man, not how it works anymore - that was 1950

sicrm · 2022-03-20T15:46:42+00:00

the only failure would be staying and accepting that treatment.

let her find a new punching bag while you focus on yourself and your kid.

MomentSpecialist2020 · 2022-03-20T17:46:01+00:00

It takes two people committed to make a relationship work. She bailed emotionally already. It’s not your fault. Be strong 💪

TP_Crisis_2020 · 2022-03-20T18:11:09+00:00

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hanktertelbaum · 2022-03-20T20:26:17+00:00

A caterpillar walks slowly across a branch where he's made his home. The branch gives him support, cover, and nourishment. A butterfly lands near the caterpillar and they exchange pleasantries. The butterfly tells the caterpillar about a secret branch on the tree which he had yet to explore. Surprised, the caterpillar asks "how did you find it?" The butterfly says, "I once looked like you. I was a caterpillar not long ago. A friendly butterfly shared this secret with me. And now it's my turn to show you." Confused, the caterpillar asks, "Where did you get your wings? How did you learn to fly? Is it scary away from this tree? What else can you tell me?" The butterfly smiles knowingly and says, "Visit the other branch and you will know what I have learned." Days pass and the caterpillar feels the universe urging him to this secret new place. He finally makes the journey. Once there, his mind instinctively knows what to do next. He starts to build a home on the branch. He soon finishes and rests peacefully inside. He finally awakens and emerges from this temporary dwelling. He looks around and sees things are brighter. Everything feels smaller. He feels bigger. Powerful. He feels the wind at his back and finds himself gliding toward the ground. His body flexes, his wings expand, and instincts again inform his body about the mechanics of flying. He emerges from the trees, high above the little branch which once felt so secure. The butterfly he met previously appears alongside him and whispers "You made it!"

Specific_Astronaut53 · 2022-03-20T19:26:14+00:00

Currently in the process of divorcing a SAHM. Marriage hasn't been working for a long time. But I was determined to work on it. She was determined to be unhappy. Turns out, the separation period has been a trial period for her to monkeybranch without fear of losing alimony. Honestly, rather than being crushed she was dating someone else, I felt relief. I guess it's a cop out on my part and prevents me from feeling like a total failure....since the decision was not made by me.

Divorce crossed my mind before obviously, but was quickly followed with the thought "what kind of a shitbag person divorces a SAHM he has 3 small kids with." Probably would have pounded my head against the wall trying to make it work for the rest of my life. So in the end it's for the best I think.

InAJam_SoS · 2022-03-20T21:37:32+00:00

Listen to these comments. You have everyone's empathy here in this sub. The family court system incentivizes her to do what she's doing and has been planning for a year most likely. Her lawyer is well versed in the tricks and has most likely developed a plan with
your wife. There will be plenty of time to emotionally process but now you need to focus on your child and how you will live and provide the safe, loving environment for your child while you work. What you do now and how aware you are of what's coming will determine a large part of your future. Five-year-old child does seem to be a common theme. This is a life career move for her and a way to have you subsidize her life because she will try to have physical custody of your child for much more than 50% of the time. Everything you do from here on out is a business transaction - yes including child custody in a way. She might not feel this way and to this extent, but her lawyer will try to get her there. This is business.

I'm not sure where you are in the process but if you're still at home here's what we've learned: GET AN ATTORNEY NOW if you don't have one. The overall idea is she wants to have your child 100% of the time while you get to be a visitor. A common way to do this is have you leave the house. This will be interpreted by the court as "you thought she was okay to handle the child by herself and you weren't really needed by the child. So she deserves full physical custody." Not because suddenly you can't do anything right in her eyes and she's always angry, etc.. Once you leave there's a good chance she will say "you're not safe to be around and will limit your time with your child and be in complete control. She may even get a restraining order to keep you away. She will justify it to herself in any way possible. Her behavior has already changed and there's a good chance she's trying to make it miserable so you leave. This can be considered abandoning your family. Be careful of her setting a narrative and trying to create an illusion by documenting a pattern of your "bad" behavior. ALSO, Some will actually call 911 for a fake domestic abuse. No you're not an abuser but even if you don't go to jail it will be one more thing to fight in court. You have to tread carefully and make sure there's security cam video/audio to make sure you are protected. All communication is text documented.

Temporary Child Custody will be the issue you want to work out 1st. Judges like to keep the status quo for the child so whatever plans are made for where the child stays and sleeps most of the time during this immediate process will weigh HEAVY in a judge's determination. There is a trick using an exparte order to separate you from the family property and child. It's there for real abuse victims to use but it's become a tactic used by mothers to get a leg up for full custody. It basically says -I have to do this by myself (for whatever reason). You can suddenly get divorce papers and aren't allowed to go home again or have to have an escort.

I'm no attorney but I've gone through the first few years and spent enough time on this sub and in the courtroom and divorced father's spaces to know you can't take any chances on your future. There's more to this and I'm sure many here will have ideas for you as well. She is not the same person you married and laws vary state by state. Learn your local rules and state statutes, laws, and procedures. This sub has helped me understand a lot and so many will helped in different ways. This may help too. And this.

Your demeanor is now calm business. Protect yourself, leave your emotions alone for now - she has. Above all love your child and work to agree (in writing or text document) to something of a transition schedule for now so it's as easy as possible on your child. Learn, research about this stage of divorce and 5 year olds so you'll have some guidance. Get a counselor if you're able. This time will be over and it's important for you to be good so your child will be too.

Here's a little more about the billion dollar divorce industry designed to take away as much wealth from you and your future generations as possible.
You are no failure. Marriage is not what we have been sold it to be. Any contract you don't need a lawyer to get into but you need one or multiple lawyers to get out of - is predatory.

New_Flounder6372 · 2022-03-20T16:35:07+00:00

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de-spies · 2022-03-20T18:28:41+00:00

Went through the same thing bro don’t worry this will pass

2022-03-20T21:14:08+00:00

You're not a failure. Women usually drastically change after marriage and then again once she has her goal... children. You just got caught in the trap, my man.

Love your child as best as you can going forward. That's all that matters at this point. Get the divorce over with as quickly and cleanly as possible and don't get married again.

SirOssis · 2022-03-20T19:09:43+00:00

Right there with you. We got divorced after 21 years together. In one of life’s most important endeavors, I failed to keep it together. There are times I feel like I failed. But I married a hoarder and spendaholic. We were doomed from the beginning. Our marriage failed, not me. It sucks in that I had to re-orient my vision for the future but I increasingly see it as wide open with possibilities, none of which has bank accounts with black holes in the bottom.

It’s okay to feel what you are feeling but you likely did what you could and are simply not a failure. None of us who have lived through it are.

ElliotMarriott · 2022-03-20T19:18:12+00:00

Don’t fail your son. Screw this lady it will be you and your kid and whatever else you want to do. Lawyer up and get the best custody time you can. Give your self a dead line on feeling like a failure. I have bad days as I lost everything but most days I get up and feel great.

Classic_Dill · 2022-03-20T20:08:19+00:00

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xjeeperx · 2022-03-20T20:16:15+00:00

You made it 5 years after the child was born? My daughter isn’t even 2.

Don’t make my mistakes, I was in such a hurry to get it over with that I gave her everything and a week after the final order was signed she basically slapped me in the face with the affair she was having. The weekend following the judge issuing the order she took my daughter to her parents house and didn’t come home that night.

Classic_Dill · 2022-03-20T22:27:40+00:00

Buck up Chipmunk, if you’re a failure? Then 64% of all married couples in America are also failures, lol I was in the same boat as you and I’m currently going through the process myself, I loved my wife more than anything in the entire world, I put her on a pedestal, and that was my fatal mistake! May not be yours but it was mine, you’ll get through this, I will tell you this after the absolute horror and shock and pain wear off, the next phase you’re going to go through is numb and hate, that’s where I currently am right now, I just hope eventually I find somebody who gets my heart beating again, but I’m taking six months to a year off active dating unless something really special comes along. Just breathe my friend, we all look back at our marriages and realize those red flags that we took for granted that we probably shouldn’t have, this just makes you set and ready to have another relationship that you’re much better prepared for and you’ll find out you will not be the same person that you were before, you can’t be. I’m actually a better person now than I was before my divorce, I have my boundaries and I have my wants and needs and I will stick by those like concrete, but I’m also softer in the areas where I needed to be. I suggest that you read up and do some research on relationships and marriages and prepare yourself for the next time, just work on yourself maybe go to the gym and what not, you’ll get there you’re not a failure.

Tyler-87 · 2022-03-20T21:54:16+00:00

The person you marry is never the person you divorce. Rich Cooper is a little divisive but reading/listening to his book Unplugged Alpha helped me tremendously. Maybe it’ll help you brother

pegleg_legal · 2022-03-21T01:20:30+00:00

Oh the "I gave birth so I'm entitled to act in any way I want" mentality. I dealt with some of that. At first it's the hormones, then its the post partem, then it's some other thing, then you're conditioned and it never ends. Like all dictators, they don't ask "why" they ask "why not". Put your foot down regardless of the consequences, better than the alternative.

doing_my_best_co · 2022-03-21T05:05:07+00:00

So when you wife leaves you their are 6 things to grieve/ deal with: 1. The humiliating feeling of rejection and abandonment 2. The loss of your best friend/ romantic interest/ partner in life 3. The loss of your nuclear family 4. The loss of your plans for your future. 5. The loss of the person themselves. 6. Your new financial reality

What is difficult about all of these things is that you miss the person that you are also angry at for causing these issues. Try to separate your grief and allow yourself to miss the person, but then other times allow yourself to be angry for the things they did that were the wrongest thing they could do to you.

Dealing with these things takes time. Ignoring these issues just puts it off till later and extends how long it will take.

Heartbreak is the worst feeling and when you have dealt with it, you will feel better and your life will be better. The end of your marriage was miserable and just being by yourself will be an enormous improvement after you have processed your heartbreak.

There is no point in labeling your life as failure. It is what it is and try to make the best of what this life gives you.

I know you don’t feel like it is giving you much right now and you do have some hard days ahead of you . But this time will pass. And you will feel better and life will be giving you gifts. And you need to hop on Reddit and tell the next guy who is where you are now, to hang in there, be patient and know that their life is going to get better too.

Hang in there!

black65Cutlass · 2022-03-21T12:05:58+00:00

I hear you, I really do. I have been struggling with my life not turning out like I had imagined it. I actually wonder if the person that I married (or thought I married) ever existed in the first place. I tried SO hard the first couple of years. She had been married before and I had not, so I figured she knows what she is talking about and I am just clueless. I tried so hard to make her happy. Everything was always my fault, I believed her for the first couple of years. I went to therapy thinking I needed to fix myself. After 2 years of therapy and no progress in the relationship, my therapist pointed out that I probably wasn't the problem (or the only one anyways).

When my therapist pointed out that my wife's behaviors were abusive that is when I started thinking about it differently. I deserved better, I deserved to be happy and loved. You deserve the same. You need to take care of yourself, and love yourself enough to recognize that you deserve better than you were getting. It is a tough realization when what you thought you had figured out turns out to be wrong. I felt like a failure (some days I still do), but it gets better a little at a time. I am not done by a long shot. My divorce won't be final until next month, and i have good days and bad days, but on the whole life is heading in a better direction.

Classic_Dill · 2022-03-20T15:41:57+00:00

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M3hdic_333 · 2022-03-20T23:44:58+00:00

Prepared for the worst and hope for the best, life is different for us all, 4 years later…still fighting to see kids, focus on the good things and don’t ever forget to give your self a pat on the back, you are a warrior

Objective_Problem_90 · 2022-03-21T02:18:46+00:00

Your story is very similar to many of us. My ex was the same way. She wanted to be a mom, no interest in being a wife. She Became downright mean, insulting and no compromise whatsoever. I tried everything I could on my part, nothing worked. It's been almost a year since the divorce and I feel like I'm still struggling trying to thrive, not just survive. It baffles me how someone that is your partner can treat you so cruelly. She's done much better and even has a new man in the house I left, while I've had the kitchen sink of bad luck thrown at me (dog passed, 2 job losses since I've left). Definitely going to look into counseling. I've healed enough to know I made the right decision but it's hard knowing that life for my little boy is fractured. I keep just trying to persevere because quitting is not an option.

Odd_Fudge_5064 · 2022-03-21T02:24:59+00:00

OP, read "No More Mr. Nice Guy", execute the 180 and leave her in the dust..

canival9885 · 2022-03-21T03:00:21+00:00

It’s hard now, but it will get better. I had that sense of failure, dread, uncertainty but as soon as I moved out and away from the situation and ex my attitude and spirit improved drastically. Stay strong and think about your kids.

nldr1 · 2022-03-21T04:12:05+00:00

Forget her and move on

twellman314 · 2022-03-21T05:26:54+00:00

There are no roadblocks, only detours. You’re not failing, you’re adapting and growing. Good luck man.

half_brain_bill · 2022-03-21T13:00:41+00:00

Try and fail. Try again, trybetter. Fail again ,failbetter.

2022-03-21T13:16:42+00:00

Yeah I don't wish divorce on anyone. I'm 62 wife is 51, we got 2 GREAT healthy kids (15yr old /12 yr old) that are about to become a statistic. This sucks! Ours was financial infidelities on my side but she would "hint" to me that after 18yrs, we don't do much together, what are we going to do when we're older and kids are gone? I said we're already old, you don't like doing my stuff, she would her stuff with her good girlfriend like go to Portugal this past summer. (Her friend is from there.) I said I'd travel with you. She made her mind up this year, it's crazy. Apparently I'm a manipulator. OK, let's work this out together, at least until the kids are older. Can anybody relate? To save money she wants to use one attorney, hers. That's insane yes? My nephew in his 40s his wife divorced him and they have an autistic child, they used a single attorney. So I'm hurting with you all out there. Divorce is like a disease out and about, usually about money and many more since this pandemic. Trying to figure out what to do, got served yesterday.

murphy515 · 2022-03-21T14:43:47+00:00

My ex wife’s personality and actions completely changed in the matter of a few short months. I was told it was nothing I did or there nothing I can do to make the situation better. Despite being told that, I was still made to feeling otherwise (now I know I was being gaslighted). I was strung along thought out the separation period and continued to provide financially and pay for counseling sessions that never went anywhere. In fact, I paid for two therapists in which one of those therapists suggested to my wife that divorce might be thing for our relationship without even doing a joint session. The day she told me she had met with a lawyer and was filing papers she also said “but I still love you” as she left our house.

I say all this because I never truly understood what happened, why it happened, who else was involved etc. I didn’t get any form of closure from her to ease my already confused and battered brain. Fast forward almost two years and many individual counseling sessions I now know that “closure” is up to me and mine to own. Once I realized that it felt like my tires stopped spinning and I started to move forward again. It’s still a slow process but it’s worth it in the end.

Automatic_Arrival251 · 2022-03-21T15:56:17+00:00

It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not failure that is life.

Title	Feeling like a failure after divorce
Author	Falafelluvr1976
Upvotes	45
Comments	87
Date	March 20, 2022 3:10 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/tin532/feeling_like_a_failure_after_divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/feeling-like-a-failure-after-divorce.1108402 https://theredarchive.com/post/1108402

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