My GF is very hot and cold. Sometimes she is very sweet...but other times controlling. I've been with her for 10+ years and she wants to get married and have kids. Was anyone else in a similar situation before they got married?

Adorable_FecalSpray · 2022-05-23T02:51:58+00:00

No. Absolutely not. I see multiple red flags. In fact, if I were you I would break with her.

ZarBandit · 2022-05-23T02:42:26+00:00

Run.

This has trouble written all over it. If you make it 5 years after she gets what she wants, it will be a miracle. Read the deadbedrooms sub. Your story reads like the beginning of many there.

Dead bedroom is the best case scenario for you. If I were betting, divorce rape is where you’re more likely headed.

Most likely to her you are a tool, and once she’s extracted the utility from you, she will discard you. With no more consideration you’d give to a screwdriver that badly rusted. This is the last chance to get off the misery train.

If you desperately want kids, go much younger. Probably < 30 because those not married by then are usually damaged and unfit. You’re in your prime years right now, so you can likely pull that off.

SnooDucks2052 · 2022-05-23T02:47:51+00:00

Yes. This was almost exactly my situation. Things will get worse. Do you want children?? Once you have kids she will be controlling over them and you’ll barely be able to raise your own kids. I do t like it bro. It sounds too much like my situation. Known her for 25 years, together ten and married 5. Divorce will be final in a few months.

Bipolar_investor · 2022-05-23T03:52:40+00:00

Ruuuuuuuuuuun mother fucker ruuuun

214speaking · 2022-05-23T02:42:31+00:00

It’ll just get worse if you get married. Her clock ticking isn’t your problem. Can you live with sex 2-3 times a year and her being hot and cold in the likely chance of divorce (50% of marriages end in divorce). I haven’t been married, but every time my long term gfs and I moved in together sex tapered off. It’s not going to magically get better when you get married.

Token_or_TolkienuPOS · 2022-05-23T04:09:04+00:00

Is this a joke? 2-3 times a year?

jmoincali · 2022-05-23T03:58:22+00:00

I cant even believe you are entertaining this. You will be making the biggest mistake of your life

AirSailer · 2022-05-23T02:41:38+00:00

Those negative qualities you speak about will only get worse. Children do not bring two people together intimately or emotionally, instead couples usually lose both of those things unless they were rock-solid BEFORE the baby.

If you do not want kids DO NOT have any because she wants them.

She's a decade past her SMV years, you are barely past yours. If you have a good job then you could walk away and still be in good shape, her not so much from her age but much moreso for her if she doesn't make as much. Younger guys who might want kids wont be as interested in her and older dudes either already have kids or so now want kids. Many men get locked down by women because they either feel obligated or are simply scared to make a hard choice.

Regardless, if you have a child with her she could turn around and divorce you for any reason (no fault) then you're on the hook to support her (for however long a judge decides) and the kid (for 18 years).

CRobinsFly · 2022-05-23T03:02:23+00:00

What you describe sounds like a nightmare - are you really happy only having sex 2-3 times per year? I cringed when I read that - even as someone who frequently gets made fun of as an "incel" (which arguably was true in my 20s, after an LTR ended, I went 4 years without), now, in my mid 30s I could pull off sex with a completely new romantic partner 2-3 times per year.

Definitely move on from her.

ijustdontcare74 · 2022-05-23T04:28:56+00:00

Oh she’s only after a kid, the fact that you are needed is secondary to her. This has divorce rape written all over it. You are nothing but a sperm donor and an atm to her…RUN!!!!

Also if you know you don’t want kids, organise a vasectomy asap and DO NOT Tell her about it. Do not get baby trapped as clearly this is what she ultimately wants.

KamRogg · 2022-05-23T04:46:21+00:00

If it’s bad now it’ll be worse later. A lot worse

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-05-23T09:38:27+00:00

Her clock isn't ticking. It's expired. At that age, she's firmly in the high risk zone for genetic birth defects.

Only get married because you want to get married. Ask yourself, what are the practical advantages? What would you gain? Would your troubles disappear? Getting married because she wants to is a recipe for disaster.

She's not one-in-a-million, she's one-of-a-million. If you want kids, then get with a younger woman who doesn't withhold sex as a tool for compliance, and one that isn't going to birth children with genetic defects.

NothingIsEverEnough · 2022-05-23T03:53:16+00:00

…I hope you don’t go through with it. It’s a recipe for disaster. Why don’t you find happiness for you?

InAJam_SoS · 2022-05-23T03:57:09+00:00

#1 RUN!

#2 If you can't get away, ask her why she needs to be married. If answer is anything other than she doesn't need to..see #1

#3 Do NOT get her pregnant, see # 1 She's already trying to trap you. A father loses their children (or any meaningful time to develop a true parent/child bond) if it doesn't work out.

#4 She just wants your baby batter. Nothing in your details says this has a chance at lasting. It's all a relationship of convenience. I suggest just seeing #1 and find another relationship of convenience that won't trap you, cost you, and destroy you and any child you may have, with the help of the abusive family court system.

Gattsama · 2022-05-23T09:14:48+00:00

Everyone here has a horror story to tell and I'm the same. But understand we are not jaded (well not most of us) but we are honest and trying to provide younger men with our life experience. In my case together for 17 years, married for 12 years, and I just filed for divorce 2/1.

Do NOT marry this women. Every single issue and problem with the relationship will only get far far worst once you marry her. And having children will make that even worst still. Dumb her immediately. No slow pull back. After 10 years you are most likely suffering from one-itis (the believe that she is 'the one' or 'special.'). She is common and easily replaceable.

Here's how things actually work. Your woman will do everything possible to push the limits to do no more than necessary based on her personality. Some women are hard working and want to serve / please their man. But most are solipsistic. What you have done is entered into a relationship with her to soon.

She is suppose to be on her best behavior and making her best effort PRIOR to marriage. But as you said, she doing a piss poor job. And the reason is you granted her a relationship PRIOR to her having meet all your relationship needs / requirements. So she knows you will accept her as is, she has no motivation to improve or change. The only motivation you have is marriage and you are about to grant that, again when she is NOT provided for you or your needs.

NOTHING will get better with marriage. In fact expect everything to get worst, because she now has truly no motivation and you have no leverage.

STOP HAVING SEX WITH HER. Seriously, dumb her and if you want a family look for and better vet another women. You do not want to have children with this person.

She is NOT your problem, nor do you own her. She is a free autonomous human that makes and is responsible for her own life / choices. Do not listen to any BS about she wasted this time with you, or her best years, etc. That was HER choice. You do not own her, and she is not yours. There's an expression 'she was never yours, it was only your turn.'

Sorry if I/we seem harsh. Just letting you know that this is one of the most important decisions man can make. And we are not trained to vet women fully for this. There is no shortage of women. Do NOT settle for this one. And next time do not grant any female relationship status until AFTER she is fully vetted and on board for your life plan / needs / requirements. If she can't do that, cut her. It sounds harsh and not romantic. But it's whats real.

I'm in the middle of my divorce, and I can look back and see so many red flags that I ignored because I was 'in love' and 'we can work it out' and 'we are so good with X, we just need to work on Y & Z.' Dude, it never works out.

This is literally the best she will ever be and look at her & the relationship!?!

Good luck and stay safe out there...

denvercaniac · 2022-05-23T13:36:40+00:00

Walk.

Right now.

Get the fuck out and don't look back.

stent00 · 2022-05-23T19:09:40+00:00

What I see happening if you marry and have kids is that she will discard you after a few years cause your boring or some stupid shit excuse then you will be a weekend dad paying CS for 20 years ... Better end it now and bail..all she wants is your seed anyway

Character_Hippo90 · 2022-05-23T04:37:53+00:00

Similar, but I had the sense to bail. Consistency is key, without it you’re just living in a whirlpool. Escape and try again.

No-Magazine2896 · 2022-05-23T04:55:18+00:00

Run. Now. As fast as you can.

MedFu · 2022-05-23T04:55:59+00:00

You already have one child (her).

Adding another won’t help.

I’m not saying she has borderline. But she sounds like shes a bit borderline. But without the borderline amazing sex benefits.

Masypha · 2022-05-23T14:58:13+00:00

She is using you, you are not her first choice. Read the unplugged alpha by richard cooper and rational male by rollo tomassi... however, you'll do what any ignorant man will do unless you wisen up. Read the books first in order to understand before marriage.

playerknowmore · 2022-05-23T15:12:53+00:00

Whatever your sex life is before marriage cut that in half when she has a kid. Mathematically you have no wiggle room. Personally I would get a new job preferably in a new town, and break up. You think she is controlling now, wait until the boy toy enters the picture. Sex three times a year guarantees a boy toy in your future. Worse than that; that kind of control means you will be doing the pick-me dance for years.

Just reading your story; I know you caught her cheating already. Sorry Dude save yourself.

RugerHKSpringfield · 2022-05-23T16:08:34+00:00

Sex 2 to 3 times a year?!? Are you kidding me?

warrior_up · 2022-05-23T16:56:52+00:00

Baby rabies - steer clear. There’s plenty of fish, no need to get yourself pressured into a relationship with a women that is already demonstrating her lack of burning desire for you, which cannot be negotiated or rebuilt and will eventually end in a deadbedroom and you having to jerk off in the bathroom.

Don’t do it again, stay off the plantation

pegleg_legal · 2022-05-23T05:19:20+00:00

Marriage exacerbates any pre-existing conditions. If she wants to get married and you don't want to flat out say, no. Suggest going to couples counseling because you "really want to make it work" and this is a big change in your relationship. Then when all the shit comes out, you can back away.

paz- · 2022-05-23T05:53:36+00:00

Do not do it. My relationship was very similar. Hindsight is a wonderful thing - I should have ended it before marriage and again before we had our son. Be brave and don’t settle, there is a whole world out there.

lostcanuck007 · 2022-05-23T07:32:31+00:00

umm......get out now. your age WILL work against you in the dating market. But anyone wanting kids because "clock is ticking" is a manipulator. But in her defense, her clock is actually quite ticked up..

if you have sex 2 to 3 times a year, then intimacy seems to be an issue with you 2. sometimes people dull it down and cant physically handle a lot, even then iv heard a minimum of once a month....this is next level.

Either you "give her a child" (focus on it being her child...you are just a sperm donor), or the decision to split up wont be yours. the jekyll and hyde routine is familiar and soon the abrasiveness will get worse, the pregnancy and postpartum are going to end you 2 as a couple and you will be on the hook for child support and a whole host of other shit.

some states also support alimony to be paid if a couple is unmarried but has been together for some time, 10 years is usually the time...its interesting that you 2 have hit that landmark and she pressuring you.....talk to a lawyer. selll everything before breaking up with her...feign bankruptcy if it comes to it...but have few assets before you announce the end...

jasoncb123 · 2022-05-23T08:10:30+00:00

This has more red flags then a military parade in China. RUN 🏃‍♂️

Gxl4 · 2022-05-23T09:08:56+00:00

she wants to get married

And i want a golden unicorn or a pixie from the Harry Potter movies. Until i get them, I won't get married.

I urge you to do the same or you'll find yourself hitting your head against a solid concrete wall financially and legally. There is NOTHING you gain from marriage.

Have sex only 2-3 times a year.

Get out, get out now. you basically have a roommate.

Brotip; dont stick your willy inside her from now on to prevent ''Wupsie! we're preggo and need to stick together from now on! And oh yeah sweetie..you're on the hook for support bye now ''

She wants to have sex right when she is ovulating to get pregnant but not have sex for fun.

Do you need a bigger red flag?

FuckMatias · 2022-05-23T09:43:24+00:00

Don’t do it! I love my kids more than anything but man it’s exhausting being the only one in the relationship and caring for the kids. Imagine how it feels now and imagine how it will feel when she goes hot and cold not just to you but the kids.

SnooChipmunks8506 · 2022-05-23T10:59:27+00:00

Hot and cold is a control tactic. She is naturally a cold person and uses hot when she thinks she is losing you.

Maybe it is because she feels “safe” with you. If you get her pregnant, she will safely use you as an ATM and you will take care of the child so that she can be back to work.

As hard as it is, get out, even if it means leaving the apartment and everything else and starting over. You are better off rebuilding your life than being the guy who is divorced, never sees his kid, and pays for a lifestyle that he wishes he had.

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2022-05-23T14:35:47+00:00

If you were reading your own post, what would your own advice be?

RideATX · 2022-05-23T19:50:02+00:00

dude, if she doesn't want to bang now, you're screwed (well actually not) once you get married and have a kid... Why would you be with someone who only wants to do it 3 x PER YEAR?!?!?!?! That is wild... Get out and find someone who is actually into you.

jgoodstein · 2022-05-23T20:56:34+00:00

PRENUP, or a very serious conversation about expectations from her and from you and a discussion on where each of you will or won't compromise. THat will dictate next steps.

MartyMcFly7 · 2022-05-23T22:28:28+00:00

Only if she's rich. And even then... geesh.

derelictherds · 2022-05-23T23:00:59+00:00

Can't tell if serious

sc0rp1ol0v3 · 2022-05-24T03:39:27+00:00

omg.

you need to break that shit up or you'll be in a world of financial trouble when she "falls out of love" because you've been "abusive"... RUN!

sc0rp1ol0v3 · 2022-05-24T03:41:21+00:00

sex 2-3 times a year!?! wtf!! you need to dump that bitch and move on... it's a no-brainer.

DiffDoc · 2022-05-24T04:46:41+00:00

RUN.....the end

kellyleaklives · 2022-05-24T21:45:00+00:00

Oh my God. Jump a freight train. Join the French Foreign Legion. Ask Elon Musk to send you to Mars. Anything, just don't marry this woman.

BonafideZulu · 2022-05-25T02:56:20+00:00

Sounds like you already know the answer.

Boring_Cancel · 2022-05-31T04:46:39+00:00

Sounds like sex is a control tool for her. I would ask when she is cold is it because there’s nothing in it for her? For example doing something for you?

Is she sweet after you’ve done something for her. And that’s the inly time she’s sweet.

Personally. If your having to ask a bunch of random divorced dudes if getting married is a good idea. I think you answered the question yourself bud. Don’t do it

Jeelab · 2022-05-23T13:41:51+00:00

10 years? Why did you get into a relationship if you haven't considered getting married someday?

Sex is NOT only for fun. I feel sorry for the lady.

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