As a woman, does it matter to you if a guy is a loner or not? and why?

gofigure62 · 2023-01-16T13:32:50+00:00

Depends. There's a difference between someone who enjoys their solitude and is selective regarding the company that they keep vs. Someone who is lonely, miserable, and incapable of maintaining friendships with others.

There's also the difference of circumstances causing someone to have no close connections, meaning that people could have died or they deprioritized the friendship due to other obligations.

Someone having no or few friends isn't automatically a red flag, it simply depends on the reasons and his ability to articulate and analyze those reasons.

All in all I seek out men that are comfortable in their skin, honest regarding their circumstances, emotionally stable, and emotionally intelligent.

Fancy-Respect8729 · 2023-01-16T12:57:39+00:00

It's both really hard to make adult friends and life gets busier and more demanding. And yet you also require many friends or you ain't considered normal. Very confusing.

GooseneckRoad · 2023-01-16T10:09:51+00:00

I think being a loner is okay. I'm a loner too, so who am I to judge? I can usually tell if a guy has acceptable social skills (despite maybe being shy) by the way he interacts with me and around family. Just being polite and mostly functional is perfectly alright- not having friends doesn't mean someone's not great to be around.

bunniesaresweet · 2023-01-16T10:20:44+00:00

I think it’s perfectly fine to be an introvert (I am too), but I find it a huge red flag if he’s doesn’t have any friends and isn’t close to his family. He also needs to have decent social skills (good manners, social awareness, considerate, can hold a conversation well with strangers/acquaintances).

It’s not about the “influence”, it’s about being able to form healthy relationships and function in society. In terms of the people he’s close to, I only expect them to be decent people. I couldn’t date someone who was best friends with a racist for example.

avoiding_a_stalker · 2023-01-16T11:21:40+00:00

It depends on why they are. If they recently moved, got a more demanding job, got a puppy that monopolizes their time, etc, I don’t really care. I am concerned about them having decent social skills and being able to function well in society (beyond just holding down a job). I also be concerned about being their only social outlet. I’d prefer that they’ve either had a few close friends before (if it’s a life circumstance - moving, new job, etc) or that they’ve got a few close friends now.

When looking at friends, I generally prefer that they are also functioning well as adults in society because it’s an indicator of who the guy I’m dating wants to be. Holding down a decent job, being able to take care of themselves, being kind/empathetic people, etc. Basically, I just want to know if the people my partner lets into their life are capable of making good decisions.

CimZim · 2023-01-16T12:10:39+00:00

As a woman, does it matter to you if a guy is a loner or not? and why?

Nope, doesn't matter to me. I have a group of close friends and 2 sales jobs...I get all my socializing needs met from that. Wouldn't want a very extroverted partner who wants to go socialize with strangers at clubs or whatever.

He doesn't have to talk to his family at all, especially if they are bad for his mental health, but if he has no friends it would be a red flag. Preferably he would have a few same and opposite sex friends, even if they mainly talk on discord for gaming.

What I am trying to ask is, what aspects of his psyche concern you the most when it comes to his group/tribe influences?

I don't want a partner who's psyche is determined by his group influences, it is far preferable to have a mate who can think for themselves. Someone who can take everything they've learned from their group, dissect it fully to see if it makes sense, and discard anything that doesn't.

DebateRoyal4525 · 2023-01-16T10:07:13+00:00

It’s interesting how loners are both romanticized and looked down on at the same time.

2023-01-16T12:04:30+00:00

There's definitely different kinds of loners. Some loners are loners that are seeking friends or don't mind making friends, some loners want to be loners and refuse to make friends. I would care if he fell into the latter category, because I'd be concerned that he has some major personality flaw or mental illness. This is speaking from past experience.

A guy that has friends is usually more attractive to me. It usually indicates a certain level of social skills, or attitude towards other humans. It also might mean he is more agreeable and easygoing, and also more fun to be around. Good social maneuvering and social skills is a plus but not a requirement.

But having said all this, if he is a pleasant person to be around despite being a loner, it could still work. It's very situational.

TermAggravating8043 · 2023-01-16T13:01:25+00:00

Being a loner would definitely make me raise an eyebrow but it’s not a deal breaker.

It really is just having friends, nice people around him that support him and they regularly spend time together, doesn’t matter what hobbies or interests they do. Politics and religion might be an issue for us depending on how far apart we are in terms of opinion but it’s nice not to agree on absolutely everything

northernlights190 · 2023-01-16T13:18:35+00:00

I can to an extent, but he can’t have zero other forms of social contact than me. An introvert I’m totally down for (most of the men I date are very definite introverts), but not a true loner.

It’s not really about what “influences” he derives from the group but rather, and I say this from experience, it’s just not healthy when someone has zero other sources of social or emotional support other than their partner.

I was with someone for a very long time who had no other friends. It just put too much pressure on me to be his everything. And I would not want to do that again.

howdoiw0rkthisthing · 2023-01-16T15:14:37+00:00

It really depends on why he’s a “loner.” Does he have a reserved personality, niche interests, and a few close friends he focuses his energy on? Fine.

Does he “hate people ugh.” Does he describe himself as a loner? Red flag.

carlenvirgo · 2023-01-16T15:57:03+00:00

My husband is a loner. I think it’s to keep people at distance because of distrust. I personally am also a loner and I’m ok with it. Did you ever read anything about the sigma male? It’s pretty interesting

LadyofTheGreyPath · 2023-01-16T18:42:18+00:00

Doesn't bother me because I tend to keep to myself as well.

januaryphilosopher · 2023-01-16T10:16:15+00:00

It doesn't matter to me how many friends he has (for a healthy relationship he should be close with at least a couple of people who aren't me or friendlier with me than him, but they could be family), but whether he's willing to socialise. Otherwise we won't be able to do a lot together as I'm a social person and would also like shared friends. I just care how he treats me over "social manoeuvring". I tend to be into mildly awkward introverts.

CruelAngelGradThesis · 2023-01-16T10:43:45+00:00

The connotation of "loner" is often someone who actively avoids other people due to disliking people in general.

You seem to be using it more neutrally in the sense of someone who gets along all right with people but prefers to keep to himself. That wouldn't bother me much in terms of friendships, but not having a close relationship with his family either is a potential incompatibility. I am very close with my family and find that I am most compatible with men who are like that too.

Ok-Map-7596 · 2023-01-16T11:12:06+00:00

I can't seriously date some loser with zero friends or hobbies.

GridReXX · 2023-01-16T13:45:42+00:00

Someone with zero friends struggles with commitments that don’t immediately serve them and/or are painfully cringe to be around.

If I’m dating them I’m assuming it’s not the latter because I couldn’t handle that. So for me, if I dated a friendless person, they would likely be the type who struggles with commitment maintenance. This trickles in many aspects of their life, not just friendships. Hence it’s a yellow or red flag to be aware of.

I’m speaking from experience and observation of others.

Raileyx · 2023-01-16T09:21:19+00:00

I think you'd always want to go with someone who isn't a loner if you have the choice. Being a loner is kind of a red flag in itself, and it has the distinct disadvantage that the loner has less of a safety net that they (and you) could also on.

It's not a dealbreaker though. Loners can be wonderful, interesting and very lovely people. It might be that they just have less of a preference and need for social interaction and consciously choose to be by themselves more than with others, which is fine.

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lle-ell · 2023-01-16T10:20:41+00:00

Don't care if he's a loner as long as he doesn't try to monopolise my free time. To be fair though, some guys with a close friend group do that too.

87AudreyHorne · 2023-01-16T10:49:02+00:00

I honestly would not enjoy a too extroverted guy with tons of friends. Maybe i won't even like all of his friends, if it's just a few good ones there's better chance I'd get to know and like them, the more they are the more it all seems superficial and annoying. I also like that the can be focused on building deeper relationships with few people as a personality type, rather than constantly need new people. I will prefer someone who prefers seeing someone they've known for 10 years 5 times a week than someone who gets bored and constantly has new friends

I don't like total loners who can't stand social interaction, don't know how to behave with people and all that, like a lot of reddit. I want someone who can enjoy and be nice to my friends and family, who knows how to hold a conversation, who doesn't hate people and doesn't see it as a chore to go out with me and some friends. But he should know how to be alone, prioritize people close to him over strangers/acquaintances and be able to have chill fun at home too.

So not a party animal, not a gloomy hermit.

To further answer your question, quality of his friends matters. I've actually never had an issue with my boyfriends friends and usually I get along with them, but I think if he is very close with people i don't like, that would be a problem (if they actively annoy me or I mistrust them).

I would assume an adult shouldn't get influenced about his views by friends although of course they are there to discuss ideas, and you likely agree on some stuff.

Finances?

Doesn't seem relevant to friendshio

Morals & politics

i feel like if these clash, you won't be great friends. I also wouldn't like him to be friends with people whose morals are shit

Interests & hobbies?

Irrelevant

Religion & philosophy Career & life goals

I don't really care, I don't think people need to agree on these to be friends or that it matters much

third_fig · 2023-01-16T14:40:14+00:00

Men having good social skills (being able to come as a +1 to a function and enjoy themselves for the moment) and a well-developed independent friend circle they trust and rely on is something I find really important.

I'm a people person, though, and I value these things highly in terms of compatibility. Might be personal, but finding a way to maintain and finding new human connections is a healthy skill to have in one's arsenal for anyone.

houstongradengineer · 2023-01-16T09:57:54+00:00

Having a social network is really important for career things, and for helping out with kids sociali life and career life. Havign a social network makes different team activities possible. These are pluses, but as long as you have somewhat of a social network for accomplishing things, spending time alone is also fine.

ChadChasingB · 2023-01-16T13:45:32+00:00

It's extremely important to be able to cultivate and maintain good friendships. You don't need a lot of them, but you do need to have them.

UpbeatInsurance5358 · 2023-01-16T13:22:16+00:00

It didn't used to. Now it does, I learned the hard way.

learn2earn89 · 2023-01-16T13:56:53+00:00

I don’t mind a loner but it gives me pause and I’ll think about whether he actually enjoys his time with me or if he’s only with me for superficial reasons. If he treats others with respect and actually makes an effort with my loved ones, nothing else matters all that much.

Safinated · 2023-01-16T15:48:00+00:00

I would think it odd if he has no voluntary social relationships, yes

I do not care to be someone’s sole source of desired human interaction. It’s also isolating

YaKnowEstacado · 2023-01-16T16:13:08+00:00

I want him to have social bonds that are important to him, especially family. I don't want to be his entire social outlet, and I don't trust a man who isn't close to anyone to be closely bonded with me and the family he creates with me.

fakingandnotmakingit · 2023-01-16T16:30:32+00:00

It matters to me

One, ive found guys who have at least one strong friend circle to be more well adjusted. He doesn't have to be an extrovert, but he needs to have friends

Two, guys with female friends seem to be more well adjusted and less likely to either think women should be on a pedestal or subscribe to some weird Internet shit.

Three, people aren't Islands and most people need people. and I don't want to be the sole source of a guys socialisation or emotional cobfidant. Thats just too much pressure for one person to be. I'm your partner, not your everything.

toasterchild · 2023-01-16T18:23:57+00:00

If be pretty concerned. Like he's new to the area and hasn't made friends yet or he's going to turn down invites to join my friends and family events. Will he engage when we do go out? What about just days out with the 2 of us, what about vacations. I don't really want to attend parties alone for the rest of my life.

Novadina · 2023-01-16T19:22:55+00:00

Yes, I prefer loners like myself, with a small group of friends, which includes each other, so we can do infrequent socializing together.

I also prefer a man with similar financial habits, morals, politics, and religious views, and who shares at least some of my interests so we can do them together.

DebateRoyal4525 · 2023-01-16T19:53:10+00:00

Just curious, My job involves interacting with people a lot, and I have jiu-jitsu as a hobby, but I really haven’t hung out with people for the sake of it since 25. How red flaggy is this?

MistyMaisel · 2023-01-16T19:58:00+00:00

What Gofigure62 said is pretty much on the money. I would add that while it does really depend, I do think in general that someone being a loner tends to be an orange/red flag. I don't generally think a guy should be in his late 20s and have no friends or community because as far as I've lived, this isn't a good thing and is generally indicative of either a mindset or value-set which leads to ruin.

I don't think any of us should be swayed by our group in the manner you suggest. When I'm looking at a guy's group, I'm generally seeing what his values are when it comes to friendship/family. How does he treat them. How does he let them treat him. How does he navigate tense or fragile social circumstances. Can he be his own man. Can he serve the good of things besides himself. Is he self-sacrificing. What do the type of friends he keeps say about him and how he sees himself. How does he treat me around them.

It isn't generally an accident that dirtbags hang out together or that mediocrities do or that good men/women flock together. Sure, there is overlap largely due to workplaces and schooling, but in general if everyone around you is awful, it's pretty rare for you to be great and vice versa.

As for how to judge the loner, that's just it: it's a lot harder to judge someone who has no one without getting into the thick of their past. Sure, I can watch how he treats the waiter or me, but it is a lot easier for him to be fronting or lying or putting on a show. There's a reason meeting friends and family is a pretty relevant part of the vetting for a deeper relationship process. So my answer is, you'd have to be pretty interested and patient to want to dive into the loner to figure out what's going on there.

RocinanteCoffee · 2023-01-16T20:07:56+00:00

He doesn't have to be good at networking or have a huge social circle.

However, I can't be his only friend if we're going to be together.

Regardless if from friends, family, academic, or professional circles, nobody should just absorb their circle's values. If they hear some interesting philosophies they should consider them and see what gels with them.

I am curious how someone interacts with a social circle when a friend says something cruel or fucked up. I'm a believer in trying to let people have dignity without putting up with anything harmful. I have friends who are all different types of people with different backgrounds. I have to know that if/when our social circles overlap or intermesh that everyone is going to feel they are treated decently there.

It's not so much about his image, it's about that you are the company you keep.

If someone is a loner, again I probably wouldn't be with them (they have to have at least one friend). But you can judge social maneuvering by how someone treats everyone around them, baristas, CEOs, janitors, students, old people, children.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2023-01-16T20:18:58+00:00

Like other people have already said, it depends. How solitary is this guy? There's a difference between someone who has a few friends and doesn't like large gatherings and someone who doesn't have any friends and is asocial to the point where he will actively avoid being around people.
If you're an extremely asocial guy, that would be a deal breaker for me. Not just because I'm more extroverted, but because I don't want the burden of being his only source of social contact. If you're a more introverted guy, that's basically my husband.

TheMedsPeds · 2023-01-16T20:30:04+00:00

I'd consider a loner a red flag. One of those guys that is just content sitting in front of a computer all day and never socializing with anyone isn't going to flow with me. I am in my 30's so my social life isn't what it used to be but I still like the idea of hanging out with peers on an at least monthly basis. I'd want the same for my partner.

KikiYuyu · 2023-01-16T23:59:26+00:00

I'm a big introvert. I would like someone who is happy without tons of excitement and thinks an evening on the couch with pizza is a great time.

Now if he's a loner who likes to kill small animals or loves watching marathons of ISIS beheading videos, that's another thing. I would be very happy with a man who is a wholesome loner.

Stunning-Potato-1984 · 2023-01-17T00:59:32+00:00

NGL I find male "loners" very unattractive. Obviously someone who moved to a new area or something doesn't qualify. But men who simply don't have close friendships and never have would actually qualify as loners.

I would be very uncomfortable being a man's only social connection. It would feel like a burden.

That being said guys with even just a handful of good friendships with quality people is great. The quality people part is important though, if they're shit people well it says something about the guy.

I just went to a wedding with my partner, one of his college friends tied the knot. And I was so proud hearing all the stories about my partner and seeing the love and appreciation for him. Definitely a warm and fuzzy moment.

Flightlessbirbz · 2023-01-17T01:49:18+00:00

So I’m a bit of a hypocrite here. I’m a loner and struggle to socialize mainly due to childhood isolation. I do not like it one bit. At some point I realized I was not actually so much of an introvert, I just didn’t have adequate social skills or know how to make friends. So I’ve been working at that and I prefer to have someone who will counterbalance my tendency to be socially avoidant and encourage me to push myself, rather than someone who just wants to stay home all the time.

I also do find loner tendencies to be a sort of yellow flag in men. They might not have friends and be distant from family for totally innocent reasons, or people might be avoiding them because they have displayed some kind of antisocial behavior. I would prefer to avoid both extremes here - the loner and the overly charming social butterfly. Just a normal person with a few close-ish friends and modest social circle is a green flag.

AstronautLoveShack · 2023-01-17T02:15:03+00:00

I prefer it, as long as he actually knows how to socialize when he has to but he prefers not to. As opposed to a total sperg that I couldn’t take out in public.

Shoddy-Donut-9339 · 2023-01-17T03:54:26+00:00

I can be a loner. I don’t need people that much but I prefer having a wife. I don’t really want more than 4 friends and I want a lot of alone time.

That has been fine with most women that were with me. If the Woman wants to be in constant interaction with me / can’t be alone we won’t work as a couple.

But I give the women with me enough attention for her to not feel alone and to feel intimate with me and I like feeling deeply connected to the women with me. The women with me get the best friend position as well as being my romantic partner. I play well with women.

8inchChineseCock2 · 2023-01-17T12:26:54+00:00

if you don’t have at least one group of ‘cool’ good looking friends who you hang out with on the weekly she might just consider you a loner and dump you lol.

Over_Noise3530 · 2023-01-18T04:30:48+00:00

It doesn't bother me if he's a loner by choice. I'm also a loner so we would get along just fine

sadbitch55 · 2023-01-24T16:12:50+00:00

Yes. If I am going to marry one day, one of the reasons I want to get married is that I want to go out and spare a little, because I'm a loner myself. So, two loners wouldn't mix well together.

Title	As a woman, does it matter to you if a guy is a loner or not? and why?
Author	Cookiecuttermaxy
Upvotes	27
Comments	91
Date	January 16, 2023 8:56 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/10d9qgf/as_a_woman_does_it_matter_to_you_if_a_guy_is_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/as-a-woman-does-it-matter-to-you-if-a-guy-is-a.1148100 https://theredarchive.com/post/1148100

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