It's fine for women to be jealous or insecure in a relationship, but when men are it's a "red flag"

NJFlowerchild · 2023-01-15T19:35:13+00:00

I don't think it's acceptable for either gender, especially jealousy.

EulenWatcher · 2023-01-15T19:43:58+00:00

Excessive jealousy is a red flag for both genders and both men and women are advised to have healthy boundaries with their partners and actually communicate them. There are also enough people who take side of a person of their gender whatever the issue is.

kochIndustriesRussia · 2023-01-15T19:42:57+00:00

Who says it's fine for women? If you find yourself dating someone with jealousy issues...and you persist in the relationship after seeking a behavior change through discourse...then that's a you problem. You're staying with a shitty jealous person. You don't have to.

SoldierExcelsior · 2023-01-15T19:37:09+00:00

Double standards are a thing

richard_golbes · 2023-01-15T20:02:15+00:00

If a man is insecure about a woman's past or doesn't want her seeing certain guys, he's the problem and has to just get over it. I see this constantly on other relationship subreddits - men ask for advice about their girlfriend/wife seeing male "friends", sleeping over at other guys' houses, taking drugs with them, going on holiday with them etc and all the comments are some variation of "she's free to do whatever she wants", "you don't own her" and all this kind of nonsense

You don't own her thus if this makes you uncomfortable you are free to break up.

If your girlfriend feels jealous, you have to comfort her and avoid seeing other women so that she can feel better, obviously

She doesn't own you so if this makes her uncomfortable she is free to break up. Obviously.

carlenvirgo · 2023-01-16T00:54:41+00:00

I prefer if they are jealous. It makes me feel more secure to be honest. If they aren’t jealous, I question whether or not they are cheating.

Bikerbats · 2023-01-15T19:54:30+00:00

Dude, your premise is false. My first wife was hyper-jealous. I went to a poker game one night, where we didn't play poker. Instead we wound up drinking beer and watching my car circle the block all night to make sure my bike was still in my buddy's driveway.

Cut to the important part. I left her jealous ass because I couldn't handle it with the full support of my friends and family, often with a "You shoulda done it sooner" thrown in for good measure. This nonsense that this behavior isn't condemned in women is false.

toasterchild · 2023-01-15T19:53:34+00:00

There are 2 types of relationship insecurity. A person who is naturally secure can feel insecure when their partner is doing certain things like cheating, refusing simple boundaries or openly flirting with others. That sort of insecurity is really valid and reasonable.

The type that is unreasonable is when your partner has done nothing to deserve your suspicions or concerns but you act like they have anyway. Its fine to feel a little insecure inside but when you use that to hurt your partner who has done nothing, that is you playing the bad guy. Its fine to have anxiety, but it's not fine to use that as an excuse to be a bad partner.

There are 2 separate people you are describing here who should be avoided while dating. 1 is the deeply insecure person who has a tendency to become controlling and hurtful and the other is the avoidant attachment person who pretends that all insecurity is bad an tries to manipulate others into accepting shitty situations by claiming if you don't let me disrespect you then you are just insecure.

angry_old_dude · 2023-01-15T20:14:16+00:00

It isn't fine for someone to be insecure or jealous, regardless of whether it's a man or a woman.

suj1290 · 2023-01-16T09:35:30+00:00

Thing is very less women feel jealousy as the guy they are with get very little to no attention from other women .It's most of the time men jealous as sexual market is controlled by women and they are the ones who leave men more than men leave women

gymbro718nyc2 · 2023-01-15T20:14:53+00:00

Who says it's fine? Just because you tolerate it, doesn't mean that I or another guy would.

LiftSushiDallas · 2023-01-15T19:40:37+00:00

It's my prerogative to never date men who are needy, jealous, insecure or possessive and I don't apologize for this.

I also bring NONE of these traits to a relationship.

despisedlove2 · 2023-01-15T19:48:26+00:00

Men shouldn't get into relationships with these kind of women.

West-Ad-9697 · 2023-01-15T21:30:08+00:00

Here's the secret - it's a fucking test.

She isn't saying you are insecure and that't bad, she is saying you are weird for not understanding that i like/love you and I am just playing.

When a woman cheats - you won't know. If a woman flirts or brings up her work husband - she is fucking with you and your overreaction is the issue, not the fact that you don't want her to talk to some dude while in a relationship with you.

dukesaces · 2023-01-16T01:03:21+00:00

I don't think the behaviour you describe is insecure or jealous. I think it's having standards. If you don't want your woman to have many male friends or a past that's completely valid and okay. Find a woman that fits your standards just don't shame the ones that don't. If you're with a woman and she doesn't fit your standards, you're free to leave her over it. Society can go fuck itself if they call you jealous or insecure because of it.

If you're in a relationship with someone they aren't free to do what they want. They're committing to another person and to following mutually agreed upon norms of relationship behaviour. Any deviations from traditional relationship structures must be discussed between the partners beforehand. Of course you cannot stop them from doing what they want but it is your absolute right to leave them over it and you don't have to listen to what anyone else says.

gofigure62 · 2023-01-16T13:45:31+00:00

It isn't acceptable for either, however, as per usual male jealousy and insecurity typically means the woman getting the shit beat out of her, getting raped, and controled, or otherwise abused by the insecure and jealous male partner. Males always have to escalate to psychotic proportions because they're emotionally unstable and believe that they own the women that they're with.

Maffioze · 2023-01-17T10:25:03+00:00

When it comes to things related to emotions/feelings most women won't tolerate things in men that they themselves expect to be understood/accepted for. Its just how it is and so I agree with your post.

I feel lucky to have found a woman that isn't like this.

avoiding_a_stalker · 2023-01-15T19:26:34+00:00

It’s a red flag for anyone. Emotional stability is attractive

northernlights190 · 2023-01-15T19:30:10+00:00

It’s a red flag for everyone. I’m not sure I’ve seen female insecurity excused either, generally insecure women are quite derided in my experience.

howdoiw0rkthisthing · 2023-01-15T20:16:34+00:00

I don’t think either is seen as acceptable, it’s just that male emotionality is feared because it’s more likely to lead to consequential violence.

Flightlessbirbz · 2023-01-15T20:23:22+00:00

It’s because men are far more likely to kill or injure their partner because of jealousy. So it’s objectively more of a concern. That being said, I don’t think men should remain with jealous and controlling women either. Nobody should have to live like that.

The problem is really that sometimes there is a fine line between being jealous and just recognizing the signs of cheating. You don’t want to be paranoid but you also don’t want to be Dale on King of the Hill.lol

Oh, and being insecure about your partner’s past isn’t really the same as being insecure about what they might be doing in the present. One is cheating, one is not.

No-Rough-7390 · 2023-01-15T19:41:53+00:00

A jealous woman or one who is a little uneasy can actually do wonders for a relationship. It means she actually gives a fuck.

When women call men insecure, it’s normally to gaslight him because he’s enforcing a standard boundary regarding what’s likely bad behavior. Shame/guilt is one of women’s greatest tools and most dudes allow it to work.

PublicLobbyists · 2023-01-15T19:25:12+00:00

Why do we not question this as a society? Feminists and blue pill advocates talk so much about equality,

Because modernity is antithetical to the measures that are needed to assure women's fidelity

It didn't just used to be a handshake and a hope lmao

thisreallyisnotok · 2023-01-15T20:21:45+00:00

I make it clear getting into a relationship that trust has to be a given and I won’t tolerate jealousy. It’s never been a problem for me.

There’s a cultural expectation for women to be jealous. I dated a girl who was not jealous, but would talk about hypothetical situations she wouldn’t want me to be in, but she had no problems with me talking about other woman’s attractiveness or if women flirted with me.

localmicrodosechamp · 2023-01-15T19:24:22+00:00

because men are violent when they are jealous or insecure more often than women and stats prove this.

so it literally is a bigger red flag.

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Safinated · 2023-01-15T19:35:33+00:00

When the homicide rates are similar between the genders, this prejudice will end

fakingandnotmakingit · 2023-01-15T21:11:28+00:00

Jealousy is a red flag in either gender.

Obviously boundaries are needed. I wouldn't share a bed or a tent with another man and he wouldn't do the same with another woman.

No sitting/ letting other people sit on laps or whatever

Handholding is a no-no

But I find jealousy unattractive like not having close friends of the opposite gender or what ever.

I do think the difference is that men seem to be less likely to just break up over a woman's jealousy issues than the other way around. Which I think they should.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2023-01-15T22:17:17+00:00

I haven't seen men who think women being jealous is perfectly fine. Pretty much every guy I know has had some dealings, whether it was an LTR or STR, with a jealous woman and they thought it was a generally shitty experience. I have seen pushovers from both sexes who think anything their partner does is fine because they're too scared to speak up for themselves. But jealousy isn't attractive to anyone and nobody should put up with their partner not being able to deal with their own insecurities.

It's absurd for a guy to tell you that he doesn't want you to hang out with your guy friends anymore just because they're men. It's equally absurd for a woman to tell you she doesn't want you hanging out with your female friends anymore just because they're women.

Background_Pilot_468 · 2023-01-15T22:36:21+00:00

I've been in a situation where I mistakenly partnered with a guy for a project in my freshman year of small close-knit college. His girlfriend visibly disliked me, was very catty and cold, stared me down across classrooms, and made conversation with my friends while ignoring my presence. I never been in a situation were somebody has ever unabashedly disliked me, and I was a people-pleaser with social anxiety, so it ate me up in a way I wish I never allowed it to. I felt like I was walking on ice whenever I was around either of them. I tried to push it off as me overthinking it, until another close friend also noticed her character towards me vs herself, so having it confirmed in a way just made me even more anxious. I hated confrontation & didn't want it to escalate, so I just tried be meek as I could. One day the guy took me for a ride to campus, and when we arrived there, she was smiling ear to ear until she saw me step out of the car. Her faced dropped and I felt like I was gonna have a panic attack. I tried to say hi and she jumped into interrogating me, I was speechless at the vitrol but the guy somehow managed to give me a opening to walk away but as I did I heard them arguing in the background.

After that, I tried my best to make acquaintance with her and distance myself from her boyfriend. I was just so afraid of making this something bigger than what it needed to be. By the end of the school year she seemingly became more comfortable with me and she's a relatively cool person with nice interests. I was a girl with little social experience nevertheless anything to do with romance, I didn't know what to do, what were the "rules" or whatever. But if I'm ever remotely in that situation again I know to completely detach myself because it's just not worth it. I had multiple panic attacks in the bathroom because of another person's problem.

So yeah, women's jealousy can be an issue likewise for men. But the guy stuck with her and they even seem more stable after the project was finished and I had no reason to hang with him. Maybe it's less of a deal breaker for men than for women. He continued with his daily routine, chatting with me and trying to invite me to hang out like his girl wasn't conspiring to kill me lol.

UpbeatInsurance5358 · 2023-01-15T23:26:17+00:00

It's not good in any gender.

New_Relative_8709 · 2023-01-16T00:35:46+00:00

Must of my friends with jealous gf’s just told them to fuck off and everyone supported them

Funny enough, most girls with super jealous bf’s are the ones that are still in a relationship, but most of them don’t care about some of the things their bfs say. Like one of my friends that has a super jealous bf that doesn’t like her going out with us to a bar or party and she just goes anyway (i mean, she invites him and he never wants to come so I think she is the right one this time)

begayallday · 2023-01-16T05:31:41+00:00

I don’t think it’s fine for women to be jealous in a relationship. I think it pretty cringe at best.

BN5130 · 2023-01-16T14:06:36+00:00

“she's free to do whatever she wants", "you don't own her"

That’s true though.

Here’s how you do it. She doing something that makes you exceedingly uncomfortable and you think it would weaken the relationship in your head (head is where the relationships exists): you talk to her. If she is not willing to compromise on it then you have to remind yourself that you can’t force her to do anything she doesn’t want to but you don’t have to stay with her if her actions make you uncomfortable. So you bounce.

If your girlfriend is being insecure due to your interactions with other women then just answer to yourself whether you are totally loyal or have been flirting for fun. If the former then you give her assurances, if the latter then you get your act together.

The thing is, that a good partner doesn’t immediately goes on a defensive and throw childish tantrums that they will do whatever the hell they want to and you can’t stop them. They will instead reflect on what made you feel that way, explain the situation and assuage your concerns. That builds trust and next time you will worry less.

obviousredflag · 2023-01-16T14:33:08+00:00

Neurotic, anxious and traumatized people circlejerk each other for being right to be jealous, suspicious, insecure about their partner. Understandably, because that is how they perceive reality.

The rest of the population is very much pissed off by insecure and jealous people.

. It's normal for men to feel a bit insecure about past relationships and sexual partners, and this is absolutely no reason to end a relationship, the same way men often don't end relationships when their partner feels some insecurity/jealousy.

You want equality? Then fight for not accepting jealousy in either gender, if you perceive an imbalance, instead of advocating for tolerance of your own crippling jealousy. It's a flaw of your personality and you can work on that.

angypanda123 · 2023-01-18T05:21:49+00:00

I find jealousy attractive to a certain extent. It makes me feel protected and wanted. I'm also somewhat insecure and jealous. It's hard not to be after being cheated on so many times.

I don't agree with the past partners part though unless something about their past makes you insecure. Like pattern of cheating or being proud of their body count.

Title	It's fine for women to be jealous or insecure in a relationship, but when men are it's a "red flag"
Author	meddit-throwaway
Upvotes	70
Comments	124
Date	January 15, 2023 5:23 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/10cpb3t/its_fine_for_women_to_be_jealous_or_insecure_in_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/its-fine-for-women-to-be-jealous-or-insecure-in-a.1148193 https://theredarchive.com/post/1148193

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