Scenario. Imagine you’re with your EX boyfriend, and your CURRENT boyfriend comes into your life at work or a social event etc. Now what do you do?

RatchedAngle · 2023-03-03T13:18:20+00:00

If I had the knowledge that 14-year-old me had, I would’ve rejected my husband and stayed happily in love with my boyfriend at the time (he’s the only ex I have).

If I had the knowledge that I currently have, I would break up with my ex and date my husband.

But this is like one of those actual shit test questions like “if your mom and your dad were hanging off a cliff, who would you save if you could only save one?” or “if I was a worm would you still love me?”

CimZim · 2023-03-03T10:54:24+00:00

Ok. So this question has been asked recently but in a way that (kind of understandably) prompted a knee jerk, mostly virtue signalling reaction from women.

If I'm thinking of the correct post from yesterday, I didn't see much virtue signaling. Were you expecting to see a bunch of us saying "yes we don't care about or love our longterm partners of many years, and are definitely just going to throw away a good relationship for a brand new Chad"?

Why is not wanting to leave someone you have a healthy, ongoing relationship with synonymous with "virtue signaling", when it's just typical human nature?

I can't answer the rest of the question since I don't actually have an ex. There's only been one man in my life. I can hypothesize that I'd reject the flirting because that's not something I'd do with a stranger while with someone at the time. If I'm unhappy enough in a relationship to the point I'd entertain the attention of a new man, then breaking up would have already happened.

northernlights190 · 2023-03-03T11:02:04+00:00

If it was the first seven to eight years of my life with my ex, I 100% would have stayed with my ex and not even thought about the new guy beyond basic politeness. I loved my ex and our life so much, before the relationship suddenly got weird. I was totally devoted to him.

If it was the last two years, I would not have cheated on my ex, but I might have taken the new guy’s interest as inspiration to end a relationship that was quite suddenly and rapidly dying and couldn’t be saved. That’s sort of what happened IRL anyway — I made a friend I clicked with. Didn’t cheat, and my ex knew about the friend from day one and we had total agreements about what boundaries to keep. But it did make me realize it was time for my ex and I to let each other go.

blebbyroo · 2023-03-03T10:43:47+00:00

Depends on what point in the relationship we are talking about.

First 4 years? Wouldn’t entertain it. 4.5 months -5 years in the relationship I would have noticed him and flirted back but wouldn’t have cheated.

I was planning on leaving and making sure I could do so safely those last six months. So I would have flirted back but wouldn’t have been ready to do anything or take it further. Needed 2 years of being single and healing before was ready for another relationship.

PonderingPeaches · 2023-03-03T10:49:51+00:00

It wouldn’t have mattered? In a world where I’m dating someone else my current is irrelevant. I don’t even know him in this new reality.. why would I cheat on my ex with someone I don’t even know? (And wouldn’t get to know) Dumb question.

januaryphilosopher · 2023-03-03T11:22:47+00:00

The reason that I broke up with my ex was that, on developing attraction to someone else, I realised that I had never been attracted to him (I assumed that attraction would develop at some point, but, after three months, I still felt no different). This person and I never dated and I knew we never would date even before breaking up, but that did signal to me that things just weren't working. Maybe if my current partner was there I would've asked him out after a few months that it took me to convince myself I was ready to be in a relationship, or more likely we wouldn't even have been compatible at the time. To me, it isn't about the opportunity to "trade up" so much as evaluating what how you feel about this person says about the relationship you're in.

TermAggravating8043 · 2023-03-03T11:05:21+00:00

Well this did happen to me and I’m not sure what your hoping for but nothing happened, I didn’t feel a need to cheat on my ex or immediately dump him.

My ex cheated on me, we broke up, had another very short term bf then a few dates, my current partner did the same until we met up a few months later and we were both single.

anonymous-platypus1 · 2023-03-03T13:27:33+00:00

It depends. Would this be before or after found out my ex cheated? He wasn’t even a chad…he just had an accent and was really smart.

If it was after and I was making my exit, I’m flirting. If it was before and I still think my ex is a good partner for me, I’m ignoring my current partner. Again, it was about personality and not looks. I liked my partner, in my exes case, for who I thought he was.

Financial_Leave4411 · 2023-03-03T11:09:18+00:00

Nothing you said changes my answer from yesterdays post. If the man I’m with treats me well, is loyal and commits to me why would I leave? If he doesn’t do those things then why would I stay with him?

FightMeCthullu · 2023-03-03T11:09:40+00:00

This answer really depends.

The ex before I dated my fiancée I was only with for 6 months. We liked each other well enough but we weren’t in love. If it was the first 5 months of that relationship I wouldn’t have noticed any other person.

In the last month? I still would turn my fiancée down but the fact that part of me was curious would prompt me to break up with my ex. I know that for a fact because, the week I broke up with my ex a guy flirted with me when I was out with friends. I shut him down but as he walked away I thought to myself ‘god I wish I was single so I could’ve flirted back’ And then my next thought was ‘wow then I must not care that deeply about my ex huh’.

I met up with my ex two days later and we mutually broke it off. Me because I didn’t have strong enough feelings, him because he preferred girls with a different body type (I’m short and in the words of my fiancée ‘Boobies! Now show me the butt. Aw yeah. my ex them tall and slim.)

snsjsthrowj · 2023-03-03T12:32:31+00:00

Wtf is this shit here? Dude just stop.

HighestTierMaslow · 2023-03-03T20:50:20+00:00

Honestly Id end up breaking up with my exes if I met my now husband while dating them. My husband surpasses any man Ive ever met by far (yes hes not perfect but thats still the truth)

MrsKetchup · 2023-03-03T19:13:01+00:00

So this actually happened to me. I was still in another relationship the very first time I met my now husband. We worked in the same building, we started chatting after work one day walking down to the garage. Found out we both worked in the same industry, shared some similar interests, he seemed funny. Super extroverted fit dudebro type. Very obviously flirting with me, but I thought nothing of it at the time as I was happy in my relationship (which had that emotional connection). We didn't meet again for almost 2 years (my workplace moved)

By the time we met again I was single, he had no effect on the breakup. Recognized him at a networking event and that time it was me hitting on him. Now we're married

Cautious_Astronomer · 2023-03-03T22:04:54+00:00

I am in the rare circumstance of dating a close friend that I had while I was in my last long term relationship. I DID meet my current partner while with my ex, and no I did not leave my ex for him, nor did I cheat. We were friends and I didn’t feel any romantic feelings towards my current partner until months after I was already out of my previous relationship.

So no, your weird hypothetical doesn’t prove anything lmao

Safinated · 2023-03-03T17:25:08+00:00

I would dump the ex, like I would have all along

I don’t have the mental capacity or the motivation to lie and hide stuff. It’s too much work just to be the bad guy in the end

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kalashhhhhhhh · 2023-03-03T11:48:02+00:00

This has actually happened to me.

So in my case:

It's May 2021. I'm in a very long relationship, from high school, that I've been unhappy in for the past year. He has done something so fucked up exactly a week ago and I'm seriously considering breaking up with him soon. It's my best friend's birthday party, and my guy friends brought this new guy they started hanging out with. I've seen him a few times before, he's a bit introverted but seems like a good guy. He's also very conventionally attractive, but not really my type physically. He hits on me after getting a blessing from my guy friends ("she has a boyfriend, but that guy is a total jerkoff, she will break up with him soon anyway, she's not really serious about him"). I turn him down however, because as much as I wanted to break up, I didn't entertain the possibility of cheating. He was one of the 4 guys that hit on me that night, and I turned all of them down.

This new guy asks me to smoke with him once shortly after that, but I decline because I think it's disrespectful to go out alone with a dude that hit on me before. No hard feelings, he doesn't pester me about it and it's not awkward between us. He goes on to date other girls, I'm still stuck in the status quo of my horrible relationship. I want to break up multiple times, but I can't go through with it because it's all I've ever known at this point. I don't even have a second thought about this new guy (romantically), but over the course of that summer, we start to hang out more in the friend group.

We never went out alone, we just naturally gravitated towards each other. He really didn't have ulterior motives during this time, our interactions were genuinely friendly and nothing inappropriate has ever happened. By October we were very close.

I had covid in November/December 2021 and we didn't see each other for about three weeks. I admitted to myself that I started to like him, and that my relationship with my ex is literally just torture at this point. The first time I saw my friend after this, he was actually the one that confessed he likes me and wants to be with me some day, although we were both taken at that point. I agreed. We didn't cheat, but I finally got that last push to exit the relationship with my ex.

There were some complications after this, and I didn't jump in a new relationship the day after I broke up with my ex. Today, I'm very happy with my boyfriend. We could have been the case of "right person, wrong time", but we decided to listen to our hearts.

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2023-03-03T12:39:41+00:00

other men are invisible to me when im taken and i shut down any flirty interaction and dress more modestly so no, i would notice or care about any future BF when i was with any ex BF, men dont exist to me as sexual being until were are interacting in a mutually flirty way. no man i was ever with existed to me except as "oh look hes cute" until he interacted with me in a sexy way

if other men existed to me it would mean that my LTR was already over and i was out of love with my SO and we would have already broken up, i have never gotten to that state with a man and we always broke up for other reasons

saraimarsena · 2023-03-03T13:08:40+00:00

when I was 21 i technically left my ex for my coworker, who is now my current partner.

when it happened, i was technically broken up with my ex, my first boyfriend and first sexual partner. but for months we had been in a toxic situation of being semi involved due to me poorly enforcing boundaries, him threatening me when I tried to cut contact and overall trying to win me back and literally ignoring me when I told him I had no interest in getting back together.

for months, my current partner and I had been just friends. over time he had become someone whose personality I really clicked with, whose presence I enjoyed. I was even asked once “what does (now ex) have that (current partner) doesn’t have?” and I was unable to answer. but we remained just friends for a good 7 months, I even went so far as to try and set my current partner up with a close friend of mine. clearly that didn’t pan out but I had always recognized that he had a lot of great qualities to him for a relationship. he was kind, handsome, had a great sense of humor, caring, confident, protective, driven, honest, strong.

one night, I went out with him and some coworkers to a bar. I got pretty drunk, and my feelings for him just hit me like a ton of bricks. I hated seeing him interact with other girls there. I hit on him, pretty brazenly, but he didn’t bite. I showed express interest first. next morning he asked me if I had feelings for him, I confessed I did, he admitted to being interested in me as well. according to him, since we worked together, he had wanted to remain respectful. i went NC with my ex. bit the bullet and called his bluff on the things he decided to threaten me with, and that was that. we went on a date after work the next day.

keep in mind, my ex and I had been in an LDR throughout my college years. I never cheated, once. it never turned my eye when guys hit on me at parties. the difference became the fact that our relationship had broken down to being unsalvageable first.

womandatory · 2023-03-03T13:10:21+00:00

Yeah, nice try, but my current bf wouldn’t have hit on me knowing I was in a relationship. He’s just not an asshole.

If he had no idea? I’d let him know and if he persisted (which he wouldn’t), I’d call him out on it, loudly.

Again, men don’t seem to realise that for women, attraction is more than how a man looks. Men become more attractive the more you know and like about them. If I met my current guy while I was dating my ex, nothing would have happened, because I’m not a cheating bitch. The things that made my ex instantly unattractive to me (lying) weren’t immediately obvious to me. The things that make my current boyfriend insanely attractive to me now weren’t immediately obvious either (discipline, kindness, genuine respect for women, stoicism, honesty, patience). Both of them were physically ‘attractive enough’ that I wasn’t turned off instantly. The rest is all about who you are, not what is on the surface.

YaKnowEstacado · 2023-03-03T13:11:24+00:00

If it happened early in the relationship when I was in the throes of love and NRE, I would have shut it down. When I feel that way about a man I have complete tunnel vision and don't even notice other men, and if they approach me I do whatever I can to politely but firmly exit the convo ASAP. I don't entertain it at all.

If it happened in the last six months or so of the relationship when I had mentally checked out but hadn't worked up the courage to leave, I may have entertained it and may have started developing a crush. It would probably give me more of a sense of urgency about ending the relationship.

EulenWatcher · 2023-03-03T15:45:00+00:00

I guess I’m not illegible to answer this question, as I have no exes. I wanna participate anyway though.

My husband and I have been together for more than 9 years now, the only time I felt I was falling for another person was with my female friend. We briefly discussed going polyamorous with all three of us dating, but as he changed his mind, I had to drop the idea and deal with my feelings for her. I’ve managed to kill any romantic attraction and we’re still close friends.

It was a wild exception to the rule that most likely wouldn’t happen if she was a man. As she was a woman and we all found each other attractive I thought that maybe…maybe we all could date. If I started falling for another man, I’d start avoiding him as fire to the point of changing workplace if it got that bad. Thankfully, I develop attraction to people extremely rarely.

MistyMaisel · 2023-03-03T16:04:11+00:00

I'd just be friends with him really, it might have provoked my break-up coming a little faster, but that last relationship was on life-support from day 1. But, I'd never cheat or something.

Cosima_Fan_Tutte · 2023-03-03T16:15:07+00:00

In every variant of this question, I would be responsive to the new man if I didn't love the one I was with and had started ending our relationship in my mind. That's how I met my 2nd LTR--I took his number but didn't contact him until after my 1st LTR ended months later.

If I loved the man I was with and/or had no intention of ending my current relationship, I would quickly end any conversation with a new man and avoid contact with him.

BlackPorcelainDoll · 2023-03-03T18:25:18+00:00

It's over babe

Novadina · 2023-03-03T18:56:41+00:00

My now husband actually was in my life during my previous two relationships. So my answer is, no, I did not break up with either of my exes to get with him. Before asking me out he asked if I was still with my ex first. If I was, I would have said I was seeing someone and would not go on a date with him, and in fact have said that to plenty of men who asked me out through all of my relationships.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2023-03-03T20:01:46+00:00

If I had been with the guy I was dating before I met my husband and I met my husband then, I'd have dumped the guy. But that was a shitshow of a relationship and I shouldn't have stuck around for as long as I did, a wake-up call in the form of a non-shithead person would have been great, even if nothing worked out with that person. Don't stay in shitty relationships, people, there's never a good enough reason to do so.

But if I put another ex in this scenario, one that I had a very happy relationship with, I would have ignored my husband's advances. I wouldn't leave a relationship with someone I loved and cared for just because another nice person exists around me.

I think these Q4W are pretty disingenuous, you're just trying to find a way to say ''I knew women were as bad as I thought they were!''. And you're just trying to reframe this question in a way that gets you that ''gotcha'' moment.

''Oh, women wouldn't leave someone they love for a random hot rich dude? Hm, that doesn't make them look bad, but they're probably lying anyway. I know, if I replace ''hot and rich dude'' with their current partner, they'll definitely answer the way I expect them to! And if they don't, they're virtue signaling again.''

Miserable_Yam4778 · 2023-03-03T23:25:46+00:00

Honestly I probably wouldn't have had the opportunity. My ex was profoundly jealous, controlling and neurotic. The only reason I was in a position to meet my current partner is because I worked up the courage to ignore his threats and leave my ex.

I also have serious personal reservations about going directly from one relationship to another. I was single and celibate for 5 years before I met my current partner.

ashpr0ulx · 2023-03-04T00:00:34+00:00

i probably would not have noticed beyond maybe “oh, that’s a good looking guy.” its disrespectful to entertain other men when you’re in a relationship.

cloudsongs_ · 2023-03-04T04:08:06+00:00

Reject and stay with ex. My relationship with my ex was doomed to fail but I wouldn’t have left him for my current bf just like that. I stopped dating for about 3 years after my breakup so I could work on myself and actually be prepared to be in a healthy relationship. My current BF would not have deserved the version of me that was with my ex.

neetykeeno · 2023-03-04T09:42:28+00:00

At a friend's housewarming with my now ex...he is bored and goes home early. The relationship is six months from the end of a grinding two year process of breaking down. Get lift home from mutual friend. He flirts very mildly. I don't reciprocate or shut him down. Relationship eventually breaks down. Mutual friend.flirts again. I reciprocate. Result 25 years together and two kids. Separated now but yes while we were together I wouldn't have changed more than minor details about that sequence of events. The breakup was in process it was its own ethical thing and needed to run its course.

relish5k · 2023-03-05T00:13:21+00:00

I would have absolutely left all of my exes for my husband if he had showed up. I’m am just very attracted to him, more so than past partners, and our personalities just click. He’s the best for me. Hopefully I wouldn’t have cheated with him but if I did I’m sure the overlap would have been short.

I do occasionally have dreams where I’m cheating on my husband…with my husband. It’s fun because I get to feel like I’m doing something dangerous but in the end he’s the only one that I want.

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