Is Divorce worth it?

Prudent_Media_4067 · 2023-02-02T06:14:33+00:00

A couple things come to mind. First, do you want your kids to have the same marriage as you? They are learning from your marriage and chances are history repeats. Secondly, have you read, No More Mr Nice Guy? I was recommended this and it’s spot on. Who knows if your wife will want you but you can stop giving a shit about what she wants and start taking care of yourself.
Who knows if divorce makes sense but for where you are right now I would just focus on yourself and figure out what you want.

Theedon · 2023-02-02T06:22:12+00:00

No cohabitation after the divorce. Get the fuck out and move on.

QuietVisitor · 2023-02-02T07:36:55+00:00

1.) It seems one of your primary hang ups here is the kids staying happy in a stable situation. Like millions of divorcees can attest, kids sense much more than we realize and it’s usually AFTER divorce that we notice they knew you were not happy. If you and your wife aren’t in any way affectionate, they see that. Maybe you don’t argue in front of them, or keep the resentment and anger stuffed away. And, you might think you’re shielding them somehow… but are you really? You and your wife are the primary relationship model to your kids. Have you pondered that you’re modeling marriage being about passionless, numb, disconnected roommates?

I get it, most people before divorce (myself included) agonize over the impact on their children, but then often miss the impact of the status quo which is arguably worse.

2.) Your happiness… it’s painfully evident you’re not. You have a dead bedroom and minimal connection to her, yet you’re asking if you “should even bother” moving on. It’s really a question of, “do you value yourself enough to prioritize your own happiness?” It’s hard to tell from your post… just the impression your words convey.

3.) The house. This is really a two-part consideration (at least).

The first being your overall financial situation, including her earnings compared to yours. If you’re relatively equal earners, you can possibly refinance and buyout her portion of the equity. That being said, you would need to earn enough as an individual to afford the new mortgage which will cost more.

If you make substantially more, you’re gonna get fucked no matter what. But, a large income could also enable you to afford to buy her out as previously stated. Just depends. You probably want to work the numbers out ahead of any action so that you understand your options and can think it through clearly and carefully. If you can get confidential financial advice, I’d recommend it. Things move quickly and not necessarily in your control after you announce you want a divorce, so the more you hav figured out ahead of time, the better.

Second, and somewhat related to your happiness, I recommend you put some deep thought into whether the kids really need to stay in that particular house. The old cliché, “Home is where the heart is”, truly applies in a divorce. The jolt of a split inevitably effects kids, and yes, they might miss the environment they grew up in, but kids are resilient, can accept changes more so than adults, and a new environment with joy, warmth, and happiness can do a lot to soften that temporary stress.

3.) Life after divorce as a man. You mention having no “game”. Is that REALLY true or is that the inner voice of a husband who has been undervalued for so long he thinks he has none?

Older men who have their shit together are high value in the dating world. It is 80% of the game you need. That’s what older divorced women are attracted to.

Let’s also not forget that in an unfulfilled marriage, you currently have zero incentive to improve yourself. Going to the gym isn’t going to rekindle the flame of a long dead relationship, so my guess is you’re not too concerned about appearance or weight gain. It’s the old, “why bother?” mindset. But after a divorce, you might find that esteem again, start revaluing yourself, and generally carry yourself with a newfound confidence.

4.) you absolutely, positively do not want to cohabitate with an ex. Once again, it ignores your happiness, your need to make a new life the way you want to, and the ways this would almost definitely fuck with your kids. “Mom and dad are divorced but we still all live together.” Just no.

Token_or_TolkienuPOS · 2023-02-02T07:45:15+00:00

She married you to have kids and tick off a box. Your usefulness has expired yet you are prepared to suffer in silence. People who do this don't realize it but the anger and resentment manifests itself in other spheres of your life. Addiction, anger issues, infidelity, emotionally closed off, over spending etc. Don't fool yourself, you WILL act out in some way at some point when your mental capacity is fed up of being sexually frustrated and not getting your other needs met.

chicken_po_boy · 2023-02-02T06:26:28+00:00

You are considering staying in a dead marriage so you don't have to sell a house... a piece of property. Think about that for a minute.

You're considering spending your remaining time on this planet with someone who doesn't even want to be around you. Think about that for a minute.

If you stay you will be modeling a poor example of a marriage for your kids. Thank about that for a minute.

Coparenting post-divorce is certainly possible. My ex and I get along great. But cohabitating? What's the point of getting divorced then.

Don't sell yourself short.

freeagent2120 · 2023-02-02T07:21:34+00:00

I have a differing opinion. Stayed with mine for 6 years. We grew to do our own things independent of each other. Once that happened, the fights stopped. Bickering stopped. It was peaceful. Caveat, my kids were teenagers so they were doing their own things as well. Yes kids do model after their parents. So you can also model divorce as an option. There is a way to be happy in an unhappy marriage. Footnote. Kids are all in good stable relationships. They are with people whom they have fun with.

Sweet-Sale-7303 · 2023-02-02T10:27:18+00:00

I am in the same situation except for 1 thing. My wife can't take care of herself. Half my salary would most likely go to her if we divorce. I might be stuck waiting till my son turns 18.

SeminoleTom · 2023-02-02T13:34:13+00:00

Circa-
I'm in the same boat except my kids are older (19, 18, 15) and we have been married for 21 years. Our relationship has degraded to the point of we are just roommates now. We still sleep in the same bed and try to be nice to each other but I had to create a life outside our messed up marriage of arguing. I have some friends I hang out with, go to church on my own, play soccer and softball. Like you I basically have become ignored (over the years). It's weird not only from my wife but also my youngest daughter. People tell me I'm a great dad , but my daughter sides with my wife for everything. I never envisioned my marriage ending up like this. I'm really struggling, seeing a counselor on my own as well.

All that said, I'm scared as all get out to file for divorce. My wife doesn't work (she is working on a holistic medicine certificate), she should be done with it by the end of 2023. My attorney said if I were to divorce her now the judge would make her get a fulltime job. But I would still have two years of child support and alimony would go for 5-7 years (according to the lawyer).
I'm just broken, either way sucks. But I'm still hoping and praying for a miracle that maybe some how the marriage could be saved. I'm not good with women either, I doubt I would ever marry or even date again. It's painful even thinking about it.

I get your dilemma: do we break up what is sort of healthy for the kids and nice house we live in or do uproot everyone with the divorce. It sucks no easier answer here. Please PM me if you need. Would love to chat.....

Dangerous_Item_6879 · 2023-02-02T13:51:57+00:00

The short answer is: you won’t know until it is over and done with.

But most of the men on here say they wish they did it sooner.

For me the possibility of permanent alimony was the deciding factor.

If there is a huge income difference you are going to get royally fucked the longer you wait. If you both make the same amount of money then theoretically you could divorce whenever.

dday_throwaway3 · 2023-02-02T14:05:06+00:00

> She has everything she ever wanted.

And that's why she resents you. Women don’t grow apart from men they admire and look up to. They become disinterested in men that become a plow horse to them.

> Do you think it's possible to divorce but remain cohabiting and coparenting?

Absolutely not.

> what value does divorcing bring

The longer you are married, the longer you will pay spousal support.

James1933-75 · 2023-02-02T18:44:41+00:00

The reality is divorces come down to time and money, a financial transaction…that’s it. As the man and primary earner you will be responsible for most of the expenses following divorce, which likely will include paying your ex alimony.

Keep in mind that your lady is just as likely to find some swinging dick to cheat with, then divorce you and take at least 50% of everything you’ve built together. Be especially vigilant around age 40 for women.

Go consult with an attorney and get an estimate of your best case scenario divorcing now or later.

You’re going to be damned if you do or damned if you don’t.

EnvironmentalAd3558 · 2023-02-02T06:29:31+00:00

Yes, it is worth it. If you stay you will probably grow to resent your situation. Not good for you or your child. You don’t want yor marriage to be classified as a long term one. Plus your wife will probably at some point decide to divorce you. If it is a failed relationship then put it to an end and file for the divorce First. Talk to a good divorce lawyer before saying anything to your wife to see what are your options and get a feel of the impact of it on your life. Timing with the age of the child is important when it comes to custody. You should try to shoot for 50/50.

You might find reading No More Mr. Nice Guy usefull.

Take care of yourself. Exercise, eat the right foods, avoid alcohol & drugs, get proper sleep, avoid any verbal fights, and seek out counseling for yourself.

captainchippsixx · 2023-02-02T13:52:43+00:00

You have to toss out what she says, because when you divorce she will roast you and take as much as she can. She is selling a diff story to everyone in the family. They have no idea she is an ice berg and you are being treated this way.

samk002001 · 2023-02-02T17:02:44+00:00

Kids eventually gonna grow up and leave the nest, but you will be in the mud forever! What’s the point if they’re living in a unloving home?! They can feel it. When I file my divorce my son was almost 4, and he has adapted the separated parents lifestyle. In a few years, he will be a teenager and spend most of his time with friends and will likely not care what’s up Roth me not his mother. Do what is good for you in the long run. It’s not living if you’re imprisoning yourself in a family that have no love

playerknowmore · 2023-02-02T18:29:27+00:00

I'm about to get downvoted more than anyone in this sub ever. This guy is sounding like a woman. Most men require contentment, only women need happiness. I'm guessing he's dumping her with two kids at the wall. Condemning her to a long life alone. I'm not a total red-pill person but she is giving him everything he needs.

I have a funny feeling there is another woman lined up. If we are going to be fair we have to be honest. Being bored is not a valid reason for a man to divorce. An adult vacation and a therapist can fix this marriage. Unless someone is truthful to him his children will suffer. Marriage is not a promise of fifty years of great sex. It's working through problems, and it's good to live through the OK times.

If most of you would have had someone to be this honest with your wives you wouldn't be in this sub.

relationshiptossoutt · 2023-02-02T22:05:50+00:00

Divorce has been worth it for me.

This whole sub is full of men who faced the decision you did. For a lot of us, it wasn’t some crazy divorce story. Just a marriage that died but stayed legal on paper. Every divorced member on this sub had to look at the decision of divorce and weigh it against the same list of “cons” that you listed here. Divorce is expensive, it’s disruptive, it’s hard on the children, it’s tough financially. I think most of us looked at this list and thought, “eh… seems hard, and staying is easier, so I’m staying”.

I had to refinance my house and pull out extra money at a worse interest rate over a longer period of time. I had to give her a 6-figure settlement to leave plus pay child support. But it’s been a year now, and I haven’t spent one second regretting my decision. I can always make more money, but I would’ve paid any amount just to be happy and comfortable in my home. I was never able to be happy and comfortable in marriage, but I found it in divorce without issue.

It’s not an easy decision and will never be that way. At some point I just had to realize I was tired of living that way and refused to do it for the next half of my life.

Old_Ad8951 · 2023-02-02T14:41:34+00:00

After all you've tried divorce seems to be the logical thing to do. You'll never change her. Can only change you. The sooner the better. Good luck

IcyEntertainment8673 · 2023-02-03T00:14:52+00:00

I smell a divorce “you didn’t see coming” on the horizon. Child support and the house isn’t going anywhere, you are. I Can see a Jody coming in to take your place a couple months after you’re gone. Look, when conversations get shorter with you, they get longer with someone else. And she’s definitely horny….. don’t be naive. Make the move first.

AdInternational9430 · 2023-02-02T12:12:18+00:00

Here is what I truly believe may fix your situation. I was in the same situation if not worse.

Fast forward and me and my wife have sex almost every day, spend intimate time together, she wants me around and I feel the same.

Reflect on what you are doing wrong. Get some personal counseling or therapy to really look at yourself as a husband. I was pissed about being ignored and let that make me angry and closed off. There are probably things you do that are unseen.
Work on making yourself someone other women would want. Don’t think you have no game and no options. That’s why she treats you like crap. Work on improving yourself. Women cannot handle the idea that you will leave them for someone else so be someone that other women want. If she sees this as a real possibility, she will change completely. Become an awesome, confident dude. Make your life one that is going great without her.
Get marital counseling.
These things should help. They are the right way to go about things. Even if you get a divorce, you will be in a much better place by this point.
From here this may not be morally right, but it will work with absolute certainty. If after 1-3 she’s still not on board with change, give her highs and lows. Take her to a place she wants to go and make her see you as awesome. The higher the better. Be romantic, have great sex, be emotionally intimate, do what she likes, make her feel amazing. If you can give her a dream trip for a week do it. Get her high on what you provide. Then get back and take it away. Leave for a week doing what you like to do and only serving your own needs. Check out and ignore her while being super happy with life. This triggers something in their brain where they get hooked on your provision and then freak when they think they will lose it.

Women treat you the way you want to be treated when they love what you add to their lives and also fear they can lose that.

Your marriage sounds fixable with the above.

CB33isGMC · 2023-02-02T17:56:00+00:00

If you are not dealing with infidelity or threats of divorce you should stay. Marriages have stages and you signed up for the long haul. The people on here advocating leaving for “happiness” are no better than the ladies that destroy homes for temporary jollies.

You are a utility. That was your destiny the moment you were born. That’s all you ever will be to any other woman. Find creative ways to “release” and get your ass back to work.

azwildcat74 · 2023-02-02T14:54:54+00:00

No, you’re going to divorce and live together. At that point why bother?

You don’t mention it in your post but you need to verbalize your wants and expectations from your wife in the marriage in very black and white terms. Don’t go Rambo style and kick the door in with fire and brimstone but start the conversations NOW about what you would like to have more of, the frequency of it, all of that. Find a way to articulate why it’s important that you have it and that it’s her you want it from.

Aside from that what do you do to keep yourself happy as an individual being? Do you still pursue hobbies on your own and with groups/friends you enjoy or do you just sit around the house doing nothing because you feel like that’s what a dad and husband should be doing? Make your time more scarce and valuable, get the fuck away from her more often (communicating what you’re doing and giving her the opportunity to do the same) so that when she finally gets time with you she wants to take advantage of it.

If this stuff doesn’t work or worsens the relationship then it’s time for divorce, but you shouldn’t be starting there, that’s the last stop after you’ve exhausted everything else. You say the relationship died after the first was born but you somehow had a second so you may be dramatizing shit a little bit here. You may have a woman who just doesn’t know how much you’re missing from the relationship as biologically they’re wired to be MOMs first once kids enter the picture. It’s on us to remind them they are a wife too sometimes.

Federal_Cry_1146 · 2023-02-02T21:54:13+00:00

Spend some time on discovering what it is you want in life. Don’t fantasise on regular intimacy. You expect to be shagging every week when you’re 70? Accept the natural evolution of your marriage and life and if you want some excitement and change then do something for her. Become that guy and take her on dates, bring her flowers. Enjoy life brother, you’ve got a lot to be thankful for. I wish I could have my family back.

gnackered · 2023-02-02T14:48:05+00:00

I also understand and empathize. I don't think cohabitation would work. It "works" now because y'all can present yourself to society as a couple. If you got divorced, even if you didn't tell anyone, the fundamental would change and at least one of you would undermine it, probably both.

I was listening to Jordan Peterson on Joe Rogan yesterday and they were talking about Moses and the Isrealites, and the whole "Let my people go" thing. Well they escaped the tyranny of the pharoh and where did they go? Not paradise or Isreal, but to the desert and they roamed there for 40 years descending into complaints and longing to return to the pharoh or another tyrants rule. I think this is a metaphor for much of life, and part of you knows that if you abandon the safety of home (your cage), that you will be in the desert for a while, you want freedom, and honest living, but the lie that you are happily married and raising kids is comfortable. I am living that lie too. My kids are older, and at a turning point emotionally, and maybe my wife will change once we are empty nesters. It seems safer to keep things as they are, to hold out for the dream. I am not sure if I am clinging to my cage.

capacioushandbag · 2023-02-02T15:25:58+00:00

It sounds like you are co-habiting and co-parenting. You need to tell your wife you can't live this way and it's either go to couples counseling so she can work on her intimacy issues or you're going to think about getting a divorce. Don't let her just tell you she's going to change. Insist on counseling. A lot of people will tell you it's a waste of time but I suspect for her it might work, plus you both seem to want the same things- a happy, stable family life. The level of physical intimacy she's comfortable with is not the same as what you're comfortable with but you don't sound like you hate each other or that your relationship is broken beyond repair.

wisstinks4 · 2023-02-03T04:28:21+00:00

You need a companion. Someone who cares for you showers affection on you and truly loves you. Right now your wife is not meeting that critical need. 99% of men feel this way. Have a heart to heart discussion with her to tell her your needs. She should know your very unhappy and that is leading to end your marriage. If she cares, she may change or get meds or do hormone therapy or something a women does to show she still wants her husband. Ask her if she sees it, does she see how she is hurting you, the pain of no love or affection. Its wrong. You didn’t sign up to live like this.

If not, it’s time to fly your own new chapter in life.

Title	Is Divorce worth it?
Author	Circa1902
Upvotes	15
Comments	67
Date	February 2, 2023 5:52 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/10rib8x/is_divorce_worth_it/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/is-divorce-worth-it.1218324 https://theredarchive.com/post/1218324

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