What do you do with yourself?

Joocewayne · 2024-01-17T05:49:17+00:00

I just turned 40 and feel pretty similar to this. Getting attention from mid 20’s girls and not giving a f… yep. Looking for stuff to do non solo is super hit or miss.

Only my single friends do stuff regularly and go out. Most are 10-15 years younger than me. Friends my age are either married or divorced. The divorced guys are either a bummer or a danger to my well being because of the booze and drugs. The married ones never go out.

I don’t have an answer but I’ll be reading responses because I’m right there with you.

Fishing1980 · 2024-01-17T01:49:24+00:00

Outdoor hobbies take up a lot of time and keep you in shape. Do you not hang out with your guy friends where it is just the guys hanging out from time to time?

RiskyTard · 2024-01-17T00:06:29+00:00

My life is quite the opposite so far. Hope this perspective helps.

Currently, in my mid-20s and during my teen years, I spend most my time alone. Even if I had the choice not to.

When it gets lonely, I start talking to myself. Like a crazy person. Talking to myself, trying to get to know myself better as if I'm talking with another person.

Ironically, by trying to frantically fill a void, you accept that there will always be a missing part that was once there.

Winter_Cattle_2133 · 2024-01-16T19:48:15+00:00

"It was nice but lonely"

I've found that certain activities feel less 'lonely". Mainly events where people show up and leave at the same time. Sports, movies, concerts , religious events etc. I've eaten alone and...you feel alone. But I've been to a dozen movies alone and I don't feel that way. I went to a basketball game and it was the same. Granted, it's not like going with a date or 5 of your best friends, but it beats dinner or going to the mall (where for me at least I feel the loneliness is really pronounced).

OchoZeroCinco · 2024-01-16T19:45:02+00:00

Your life is going great, you have kids, in great shape and a job. You have completed your starter wife and can now truly enjoy stuff. Meet new guys, travel, buy vacation property, hang with boys.. hire a hooker if you miss sex. Your next real relationship will be true love and foundation you have never had before. Dude you are set!!

Apprehensive-Cost496 · 2024-01-16T16:50:39+00:00

It's crazy how common this is around that 40 year old mark!

Well, I'm feeling exactly the same way man, especially this winter being stuck inside and feeling lonely when the kids go away for their time with mom. I started doing some winter hikes in the local outdoor rec area in the morning, nothing like starting your day with the sun coming up and snow on the trees. I'll then do some work outs or something physical as that has been such a good thing for my mental health. Otherwise, I'm back to playing the bass again after a 15 year hiatus, reading a bit, home improvement projects and studying for my pilots license. I do miss my old life but life isn't fair and plans change, and since my exw decided to blow up our old life, I am laser focused on making a new and improved one. I figured the best revenge is a life WELL lived so that is my plan.

warrior_up · 2024-01-16T12:46:15+00:00

Killed a lot of time at restaurant bars - I don’t drink so only non-alcoholic beers. That in itself is always a good conversation starter

Always someone to chat with or to kill time with share old battle stories.

Driving range also

Emotional_Lettuce251 · 2024-01-16T09:55:22+00:00

I got literal fucking tennis elbow.

As somebody who is just starting the divorce process, and whose wife hasn't laid a hand on them since December 2017 ... I couldn't help but chuckle at this. At this point, I 'd fucking love some "tennis elbow".

Sorry to laugh at your expense, but thanks for the laugh.

ADHD_247 · 2024-01-16T09:34:35+00:00

Same thing here.

I'm hoping to fill the void with my passion, I.T. running, hiking with others and fitness, possibly sport.

My sister is a divorcee and came to spend time with me as I'm going through a divorce as well, 2 kids too.

Her advice is to say yes to as many things as possible. Commit to doing that for a year and when around other's try not to talk about the pain of it all as much as possible because other's want to associate themselves with an upper and not a downer.

But yes, feel exactly as you do!

MonarchistExtreme · 2024-01-16T04:44:46+00:00

I started a media library on a home server and watch all the foreign and indie films I used to have to bargain to get her to watch. I also am teaching myself to cook. I always thought that was her domain but now that I've started I realized she never applied herself to the art of cooking. I've improved all our family recipes and my son says he very much prefers my cooking.

I sometimes go out to the club...I used to DJ (gave that up for her) and dip my toe into the scene. I meet girls and when I realize i'm reflexively chatting one up I exit the situation.

I've gotten VERY good at living alone. Too good at it actually....I can't imagine sharing space with someone who's not my kid.

RNGJesusRoller · 2024-01-15T23:13:41+00:00

I remember how cold the bed felt. If you don’t have travel plans? Think about getting a dog. It will give you something to do. I’m gonna hang out with. The house feels way less lonely. You can take it for walks. Go camping to take it out. So much you can do.and your kids will love that you have a dog.

likestobecold · 2024-01-15T22:43:20+00:00

Do Warhammer!

Reflog1791 · 2024-01-15T21:27:07+00:00

Pick up golf. Find some clubs, go to course, get a lesson, see if you like it.

The golf course has a men’s club that plays on Saturdays. It is a fun social club and golf is fun as shit.

It’s a sport you can play your entire life. You get a “handicap” which allows you to compete against golfers of all skill levels.

Golfers are hilarious and no one will bat an eye that you’re divorced. Most will be jealous because their wives call them all day telling them to pick up milk and dry cleaning on the way home. We just get to golf then take an epic nap.

sak144 · 2024-01-15T20:20:22+00:00

Join a social club. Elks, Kiwanis, Mason Lodge, Eagles, Oddfellows...there are a bunch of them.

berzerker5000 · 2024-01-15T20:05:26+00:00

I am in a very similar boat as you as many of us are. The grief of loss is real and even though I am in a good place and have done things to reset my life and I’m having alot of fun with my new free time, there are still moments of abject loneliness, regret, and overall there is this grief in the pit of my stomach at all times. At the same time I have this freedom that tastes so sweet, possibilities, optimism. I feel like a walking juxtaposition. Grief and joy and hope intertwined.

After seperation I went on a huge bender and started banging all these sugar babies and escorts. I hit the gym and lost 20 lbs. I got a new job in a new city with lively nightlife scene, moved out of the family home in suburbs and into a luxury apt complex with tons of younger people. I got some new drinking buddies that are around my edge and been divorced and are single. I am not attracted to women my age because most of them remind me of my exw, so younger women 25-35 are my target. As you have noticed, young women love older dudes that take of themselves. They are more full of life and possibility and that energy is in line with how I feel about my life as sort of a second beginning. But I also am not ready to seriously date a woman. When I do however, she will definitely be younger.

I am noticing that there are flaws within me to conquer. Flaws that I never had to deal with during marriage. Social awkwardness, physical health problems, alcoholism, sex/porn addictions, etc. I also recognize that the divorce plus being early 40’s make me susceptible to mid-life crisis issues and not making the best decisions. The bender I have been on is gradually turning into focusing on mental, spiritual, social, physical and emotional health. I am not ready for another relationship and hope to address some of my flaws before the next one. I am in many ways a shattered and heartbroken man. Yet I have my shit together with my career and the financial area of life. I am easy on myself and know that it will get better and I’ll find my grounding eventually. Perhaps it will take a few years. I am ok with that. No need to rush into another relationship.

It’s ok to be in a mild life crisis and suffering from the grief of loss. I just repeat to myself, “you are good enough.” My SAHEXW never thought I was good enough, and I remember one night towards the end of our marriage, as she was berating me for being a terrible horrible husband and father while all I did was work my ass off and try as hard as I could, I told her, tears in my eyes, “you know what? I’m good enough.” She was like “no your not.” I think a lot of us men are so hard on ourselves for failing at marriage. I have had conversations with women about my divorce who told me I am a good man and many women would kill to have a guy like me. I told them the things I did wrong like lose my temper, being disengaged, overly focused on work, and everyone has told me that she did not divorce me for those reasons. People change and she simply fell out of love with me. In many ways we were not compatible to begin with. It makes me feel better to hear that perspective but still I tend to blame myself. As men, we tend to want to take responsibility for everything even things that were outside of our control and it hampers us from getting over the grief process…while she has moved on. It’s a difficult thing for sure with our pride and ego.

So we are all on our own similar journey yet going about it in different ways. You are not alone and I love that we all can share what we are going through.

Present_Echo6900 · 2024-01-15T17:25:34+00:00

Days off are the worst.

Present_Echo6900 · 2024-01-15T17:11:00+00:00

Wow this hits hard for me.

IllustriousCry672 · 2024-01-15T16:53:29+00:00

Same boat here, my wife used to run me ragged and I always, always just wanted to chill at home and do nothing to recharge.

Well, I got plenty of time to chill at home and do nothing now, lol. It's great when you have something other than work to recharge from, but it gets old fast.

Similar boat as finding hobbies (all of them, yes) really pointless and make things worse almost.

Haven't done much online dating, because I've never been a hook up guy (Been in 4 relationships my entire life, and those are all the women I've been with) and while it doesn't look hard to get sex easy, that same token means those aren't women I'd want to be with long term, and I'm not really looking for flings.

At least I've got plenty of time to work out now. I won't say best shape I've ever been in, best shape I've been in since 25 when I met my ex.

MomentSpecialist2020 · 2024-01-15T16:30:16+00:00

Time to get a hobby. I recommend things you can enjoy with your kids. Camping, boating, sailing, sports, etc. one night a week go out for happy hour, make it a routine. Say Thursday night is happy hour at Wild Bar. Have one drink and an appetizer. And develop some adult friends.

Complicatedlogic · 2024-01-15T16:20:55+00:00

I didn’t want to go on tinder, I did recently, it’s been a great way to fill my time. If you get the looks you do at the gym (I don’t doubt you OP) then you’ll do well on there and you’ll find ladies that fit where you’re at in this journey. All mines knew I was still healing and not emotionally available. Physically though, I’m 42 and I’m using this little pp I got til it stops working…

woundedsurfer · 2024-01-15T15:04:52+00:00

Man, I could have written this post word for word. 41 years old, married 11 years, together 17 years with two young kids. We’re currently going through the divorce process, and it’s been rough on me mentally and physically. I have not been with another women since I was 23 years old. It’s seems scary and daunting to dip my feet in the dating pool. Idk. I’m currently living in my parent’s basement and my stbx has our house. So dating seems not possible and really embarrassing to tell anyone. I haven’t lived with my parents since I was 18. Their company is nice, but I need to get the fuck out soon. Just waiting on the divorce to finalize so she can buy me out. I started a new job only two months ago, so I have zero time off to travel, and no one to travel with. I love having my kids around but when they’re not, it gets super lonely. I’ve never felt like a complete failure like this ever, I’ve always prided myself on having my shit together, now my life is an absolute disaster. I just want to finalize this divorce so I can move on with my life. It’s a huge anchor on my soul right now.

vickyprodigy · 2024-01-15T14:45:24+00:00

Your script and mine are identical. Married for 15. Now 39 and Single. High paying job means I lost a shit ton of money in divorce. But its just that - money.

I was in the same boat as you 8 months ago. But it gets better.

I have become regular at the gym. My fittest i ve ever been and muscles showing up where they shud. Cook all my meals and eat extremely healthy.

Spend time with my kids wholeheartedly when I have them. Its a struggle (single dad) at times but I love them to pieces.

Picked up beach volleyball again.

Started 2 businesses. Making up money I am paying for child support.

Meeting new people and building friendships.

Dating while I get the time.

Spend money on good clothing. I never used to, now I have good stuff that'll last and actually looks good on me. And stuff i actually like. I just bought a decent lamb leather jacket last night for 400. I would have never spent that kinda money on myself still married. Always the last choice.

Go and meet friends for dinner.

Planning solo trips in the near future.

Thinking about joining dance lessons (hip hop)

Life gets infinitely better when you get yourself back. Keep on trucking. Dont look back.

gabriel-kornilov · 2024-01-15T14:27:41+00:00

Join a BJJ or a MMA gym, legal fight clubs. It works wonder to take your mind off things, give the time to regroup and tremendously help with self-confidence. Plus girls just love cauliflower ears.

(Edit: Ok. The last part is not completely true.)

Oh! And girls at your weightlifting gym? Very bad idea, no matter the age.

captainchippsixx · 2024-01-15T13:25:31+00:00

Use the dating apps. Just treat it as a diversion. Expect Shenanigans and laugh. Don’t be afraid to walk out on a date Brice they lied or say something explosive diarrhea.

The other thing you should work on is your investments. Put some time in on that.

Canadian_builder1081 · 2024-01-15T13:05:52+00:00

Oh man, i could’ve written this verbatim. Sorry to hear you’re also there. I feel like I’ve wasted so much of my time scrolling on my phone these last 2 years to fill the boredom when I’m alone, and overwhelm when the kids are with me.

Everyone says its great to have so much time to rediscover yourself and start new hobbies but when you lose yourself and your identity its hard to know who you are and what you want to do.

The gym and work are my only 2 constants right now, and outside of that i have little motivation to do much. I bought a guitar last year but have struggled to get into it. And bought a ski pass but can’t muster the motivation to haul my ass up there. I’m starting to think this is what depression looks like.

ballzdeepinbacon · 2024-01-15T12:57:08+00:00

So... I am a bit older, but was in a similar situation. week on/off for child care. My weeks with kids I threw myself completely at them, did what I could with activities, etc.

When transition days hit, so did the sudden gap in activities - it was a lot, going from super busy to nothing.. but, I built a schedule.

First day was pretty easy, I'd be doing laundry and getting the house cleaned to my standards and restocking the fridge - tried to get that done so I could have a night out if I wanted to. I reconnected with old friends and made a couple of new ones. I went swimming to clear my mind. I read and watched TV and movies. I also chatted in online groups.

And.. I fucked. A lot. Occasionally I'd fall into a relationship to find out that it wasn't what I wanted with that person. Ended up with a couple of nice FWB situations that met some company and physical desire needs without getting into a relationship. About a year after the separation I met someone that I really clicked with and started a relationship. Still going strong.

jellyclawz · 2024-01-15T11:01:34+00:00

Have you tried the hiking groups on meetup? I used to never hike, but when I moved to a new city and I didn't know anybody, I joined one of the meet up hiking groups. It was a glorified walk in the park and the group of people was really cool and how I made my friend group. I would recommend giving them a try. I even go to the drinking events and I don't drink because it's still cool to hang out at the bar with like minded people, not uncommon to run into other people who don't drink.

mrk177 · 2024-01-15T09:12:34+00:00

As others suggested get a dog. I could have wrote this exact post a year ago. I’m 40, was married for 11, we were together for 15. We have two kids together. I’ve been divorced for 2.5 years.

Man I felt the same way. Initially I took up activities like learning how to grow cannabis. Activities can get expensive but in some cases very rewarding. I ended up going the home gym route because it was easier cause I work from home as well.

I would avoid dating apps at all cost if you can. It can be fun for a little bit but it seems like a lot of women have been on those apps for years and their brains are warped. I think all the 30 year old range women are mostly married or want marriage and family if they are single. I didn’t end up dating a lot of women is this age range because I simply didn’t want marriage again and that is what they are looking for. The women in the 40-45 are really fun, apparently younger men are going for these age ranges right now so their options are really open. Anyway good luck dating, the landscape has drastically changed and don’t like what it’s become. I went on a couple dates with some women in the mid twenty range and personally just felt old. I didn’t get a lot of the current lingo, I was out of touch on popular music and just felt like I couldn’t relate. Fun dates and nice girls but wasn’t for me and had no interest in keeping up.

So a dog is a great, fills in time, great for teaching kids responsibility. Companion ship is incredible, dogs love unconditionally. It is a lot of work, it can alter your routines and house it it’s been very rewarding and I feel like it’s kicked that boredom/loneliness that has been present since divorce.

Good luck!

Accomplished_Gene176 · 2024-01-15T08:28:19+00:00

Get a dog

nomdeprune · 2024-01-15T07:29:21+00:00

I play a lot of guitar, and I'm getting a band going. When my kids are with me we play a lot of music together and I help them learn and practise. I'm a better musician than I've ever been and my kids are exceptional for their age. I feel like I have literally forged the worst thing that happened to me into musical skill.

NotUsedUsernameYet · 2024-01-15T05:55:11+00:00

M36 and my 10 years old son spends most of his time with me.

Honestly, after demanding job, gym, errands, child’s activities I don’t have much time left. I try to do my best to crave out time for dating but not always successful in having time for that.

Left-Signature-5250 · 2024-01-15T05:44:40+00:00

My life was exactly as you describe it - really, to a T. I was 41, kept the house, two kids (only every other weekend), full time home office, best shape of my life but not a lot of friends available.

I also felt that I had built a life and suddenly everything was gone and there was nothing. Computer games also were a lot more fun when I was young. So much time to fill. What to even do with such a big ass house all alone? A wandered around the house a lot...

It is now one year later. I am 42. I can only tell you what I have been doing.... I guess in that point we are different - I hit "the apps" pretty quickly (okcupid, tinder, bumble) - I really only can recommend okcupid.

I did not really know what I was looking for - a combination of sex and also companionship. So maybe I WAS looking for a relationship. It was not super easy, but pretty soon I had a date with a wonderful woman and the rest is history. We started to see each other more and more and did things together. Mostly we just chilled together and enjoyed the summer. Soon she basically lived with me (altough she kept her apartment).

The house is filled with life again (altough it is the not-so-stressful kind when the kids are not around) and we do things together - or not and just chill. Even if we do absolutely nothing, it still does not feel as empty as the time immediately after the divorce. It is totally different to do nothing when you have another person (whos company you enjoy) nearby that also does nothing

So basically what worked for me is getting into a new relationship rather quickly. Over the last year we grew together and I really love her. Of course it is not always easy (for me) to trust and to open up completely. And certain things will never be as I had done them previously. I will NEVER completely trust any other person (financially or emotionally). But that is ok. I would even guess that it is beneficial for our relationship that I set very clear boundaries around certain things (my expectations and as I said my financials).

... the alternative plan (if a relationship would not have worked out) would have been to buy a motorcycle and do road trips around Europe (where I live)... I have a license but only drove for half a year 20 years ago. It is a very fun (altough dangerous) preocupation.

PokerFriend247 · 2024-01-15T05:26:10+00:00

Stop being - half glass empty and fill the void and create a positive outlook.

Not all plans workout in life … time for a new plan..

Create routines of activities with units of time

Watch this movie clip from About a boy.- island living.

You find hobbies old and new. Your second chance to reinvent your life.

Indoor sports -badminton in winter. Outdoor sport - tennis, basketball, football , cricket.

You find some indoor and outdoor social hobbies- photography , creative endeavours , Poker ♥️😜.

Good luck

newblackmetal · 2024-01-15T05:22:21+00:00

You're not alone. I'm in a similar situation. Wondering what to do come spring when the snow melts.

rhett342 · 2024-01-15T05:06:56+00:00

I don't know. I'm 45 now. I haven't been single since I was a teenager and have never lived alone until yesterday when my older son moved out. In my early 20s, we moved over 100 miles away to a new city and between wife, kids, and work, I never really had the time or desire to make new friends. Now all I have is work.

SummerRound · 2024-01-15T04:41:28+00:00

Dating is kinda fun and kinda sucks. Met a girl I really liked and that uplifted me this last week. But then reality hit and she started reading about dating a guy with kids and now she's cooling the jets a bit. I don't have any good advice. It's rough out here.

New-Amoeba9042 · 2024-01-15T04:37:30+00:00

In a similar situation, last single at 25, suddenly single at 35, and really not sure what to do. I would have killed for a day to do nothing while married too….but just a day. It gets old real fast. I really don’t care for my old hobbies anymore, just pointless waste of time. Good for stress relief and relaxing, awful at being a ‘lifestyle’.

Same thing, all my friends married with kids, so our lives are not on the same track anymore. Awkward to hang out, but I guess I’m an okay ‘uncle’ to bunch of kids.

Dunno what to say, I liked my life I had built up over 10 years, Nd now two years out in April it feels like I’ve gone nowhere since that night she cheated. I completely understand the feeling of just walking around and empty house. Prior the divorce l, I had literally never lived by myself, so that was new.

So, you’re not alone in your situation l, if that helps?

Title	What do you do with yourself?
Author	Solid_Exercise6697
Upvotes	50
Comments	74
Date	January 15, 2024 4:30 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/196zxxh/what_do_you_do_with_yourself/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/what-do-you-do-with-yourself.1242995 https://theredarchive.com/post/1242995

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