Just Like That, 26 Years.

SomeoneInQld · 2024-03-25T02:48:25+00:00

29 years for me.

Woke up one day and she had gone, have not seen her in several weeks.

Life is so much calmer and easier.

It's amazing how it's just such a small change every day and then when you are out you realise how far things had gone.

2024-03-24T13:34:51+00:00

yeah, I couldn't see all the gas lighting that happened.

not everything in our marriage was bad....

But once the light switch goes off there's nothing you ever did that was good or anything that you provided.

8 months in for me, in the middle of the divorce still hasn't been finalized.....

I'm still grieving on certain days and I feel like I've become a burden to everybody I know because for some reason people think you should get over divorce instantly I guess.

roshi-roshi · 2024-03-23T11:22:30+00:00

Late 40s for me too. Wife told me 6 weeks ago. I’m devastated and the emotional lows have been brutal. Yet I clearly see more and more who my wife is now. I’m starting to take responsibility for my role. The reality of all of this is sinking in.

isocluster · 2024-03-22T09:52:42+00:00

29 years in, here. Wife left me and son. She was also likely bipolar. I did everything to keep the family together and functioning while she was having an online video game affair with some loser that turned physical at some point. I bet there is someone else. Most women just don't leave without there being someone else.

I'm so glad she's out of my life. You should be too by the sound of it. She sounds toxic, like my ex.

Get yourself together, stay in shape, show your kids how much you love them. I know there are some logistics. Key thing is the kids and your health.

Life will open up. Yes, you should be entering your best years and you will with someone else. I got on a dating app and met the most wonderful person and wasn't even looking for it. It feels like a new life. You'll get there too.

One_Buddy_5093 · 2024-03-21T18:02:18+00:00

17 years for me

Long-Review-1861 · 2024-03-21T12:05:47+00:00

Stay as far away as you can from anyone with bpd. I was with a diagnosed borderline for almost 10 years. Nearly destroyed me. Took like 3 years after we had broken up to kinda start feeling normal again. Read up on r/bpdlovedones and you will see the pattern of how the relationships ALWAYS go

wisstinks4 · 2024-03-21T01:39:22+00:00

OP, sorry you’re going through this right now. Congrats on taking your vows seriously. It seems many people don’t feel that way these days. Clearly your wife was enjoying all the attention you were on her as a faithful husband. Her lack of recognition proves she is delusional and doesn’t understand the value of a good husband. Burger. Damage goods.

WartimeDad · 2024-03-21T01:30:00+00:00

Hang in there man. Obviously you’re not alone in this crap!

AttemptScary4550 · 2024-03-20T22:44:40+00:00

Similar story for me. 20 years of marriage. She turned 40, "fell in love" with our daughters prom date," alienated me from our children and I thought we could fix it. She said it was all my fault and I was abusive. She was controlling, manipulative, abusive and self serving in almost everything she did. Yes there were good times but I'm so glad it ended. I have control of my life and have thrived. Took me therapy and a couple years to truly improve and move on. It was hard to get here but I couldn't be happier. Her life has fallen apart and our children know that my actions were right and the best I could do. You'll improve, move on and enjoy life more than you can imagine right now. Don't get stuck on what's been lost. Find what you have learned and how you can grow!

playerknowmore · 2024-03-20T22:09:34+00:00

Sounds like she's using divorce as some crazy sort of punishment. If I were you, I'd be telling her thanks for filling. I stayed for the kids, and then because I was afraid of starting over. Since you filed, all I can think of is how peaceful my life is going to be. I was hurt at first, but it shows how much you love me to give me freedom.

I stayed married four years ago. Because I stood up for myself. She thought I was so in love I would beg her to stay. I told her, "I love you, but I don't need you." To be honest, I love my wife as much as I can love another person, but not more than me. Maybe I'm an asshole, but if you are going to leave me, I'm going out like a man.

deludedhairspray · 2024-03-20T19:35:36+00:00

This sounds exactly like the relationship I got out of. We were together for 13 years. I did everything for her, probably way too much (something my friends and family have commented on now), tolerated everything to keep things together. Then out of the blue, just a few months after we married, she wanted out to be with a friend of mine, and in the process managed to thrash me for being this and that. I'm also beyond destroyed, but have come to appreciate that it simply had to happen. It sounds like your situation as well, you simply couldn't have stayed with her, could you? At some point I reckon we'll come to appreciate having gotten out. There are better women out there. But I feel for you, man, I know how hard and soul destroying it is. It fucking hurts. We gave our all to someone who in the end didn't give a fuck. It might not mean much on the surface level, but you've got the moral edge in this, and there is honor in that. You're a good man, you didn't deserve this. But there is life left to be lived. Stay in there, my friend! ❤️

69manu · 2024-03-20T17:08:44+00:00

Wow - this is Deja-vu or what. No official diagnosis but your post mirrors my experience 100%. Only difference was 23 years. Good luck, this group is very beneficial for the fallouts of this - namely the trauma bonding related thoughts, rumination etc.

DivorceRecoveryMen · 2024-03-20T16:51:09+00:00

Look at it as a new beginning. A new beginning for you not to be berated, verbally abused and/or being unhappy. She is giving you permission to go and get your happy without her. The kids are grown and you need to live you selfish life. The one you deserve and work so hard for. Take the financial hit because it is worth is. Start the healing and keep her is the distant rearview mirror. Enjoy your new positive reality.

AResponsibleNo5819 · 2024-03-20T14:45:22+00:00

Google “Hannah Pearl Davis”. She explains why this is happening to good men. The women appear to not care how their children are impacted. My ex basically said “its ok, all our kids’ friends are also divorced.” Not even considering that now they lose the benefit of two incomes. They now have to shop thrift stores for their cloths. The great vacations we did have are now beyond reach. To add to her viewpoint, your ex-wife is probably at the same age as mine and going through menopause.
My doc explained this happens to 70% of marriages that he sees where the wife is going through menopause. He warns those wives to slow down and not make any decisions until they understand how their decision making is affected and after they adjust to medication. Only 30% figure it out and a good handful of the rest regret their decision. My family counselor surprisingly also quoted 70% of wives who go back to college are also leaving their marriages after advancing and changing careers which is also my situation. I paid for my wife’s two degrees. She got a new career and just left. This is a woman who led a devout Christian until she started to attend college and started to teach in public school. I did half then most of the home care of our kids, cars and home inside and out. I treated her like a queen for nearly 20yrs.

Rare_Supermarket_482 · 2024-03-20T12:53:39+00:00

Met my bpd ex when I was 21 and in college. She was smoking hot but I could see the problems within the first few months. I even broke up with her a couple of times. Thinking mainly with my dick, I ended up deciding I would never find a hotter woman than her so I might as well settle on this one. Married at 24. I also developed a mentality that it was just better not to tell her she was wrong and give in on arguments for the sake of spousal harmony. 15 years later I am paying a huge price for being a dumb horny kid. Luckily I got two amazing kids from this dumpster fire of a woman but I am so worried my daughter is going to turn into my ex. I and others see the signs and I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop it. Good luck to you brother and hang in there.

Apprehensive-Cost496 · 2024-03-20T12:53:10+00:00

I'm mad because I took the vow seriously (good times and bad) but it's so easy for her to just throw it all away because she's not "happy".

Brother, this it literally all of them. Willing to blow up something because they aren't happy in the moment. If you were to give them what they really want, I guarantee they would find some reason to move the goalposts and still be unhappy. It will take a year or two but there will be light at the end of the tunnel. I put my energy into my new house, got a sports car, taking flying lessons and working out consistently and those small things start to compound over time. You did your job man, you stepped up and did your part and didn't get the appreciation you deserve so it's time to move forward and put yourself first. You aren't alone man!

sak144 · 2024-03-20T12:33:36+00:00

Similar story. I can remember going to bed at night praying that I wouldn't wake up the next day. Fast forward to today and my biggest stress is not having enough hours or minutes in the day.

What you have been dealing with is abuse plain and simple. It's just that guys are supposed to be tough and suck it up and certainly don't ever push back. Eff that. Embrace your new lease on life and work on healing and living how you want to live.

I promise you, it does get better.

Beamformer · 2024-03-20T12:29:10+00:00

Simillar... length of time with the npd/bpd ex. She just got worse with age, moved out towards the end of pandemic to pursue her "plan for 60". Left me raising our kid who wants nothing to do with her.

She has been out of my life for two years, and my life has gotten so much better and more rewarding as a result. My biggest regret now is not divorcing her sooner. Forget the Sunk cost falacy thinking, it was a bad investment. Forgive yourself and go live the life you wished you could have had in past years.

Heavy_Guitar_4848 · 2024-03-20T12:28:19+00:00

9 out of 10 relationships with BPD fail. I kick my younger self for not having higher standards. I made it 8 years with one and the whole thing was awful. Only way I survived was burying myself into projects and pursuing goals. The good news is I came out of it a better man than I went into it. I get how you could get to 26 years because they would make your life miserable if you left them so you always do the easy thing. Be thankful you’re out of it, focus on setting your life up for success and enjoy the peace.

FlyingSaucer51 · 2024-03-20T12:21:59+00:00

Mine has “quiet” BPD. She moved out after 15 years without a single word that she was EVER unhappy. It’s a mind bender. I’ve been messed up for a long time.

Gkuse · 2024-03-20T10:35:24+00:00

It’s about you now. I have a similar issue . Except my ex drinks 1.5 bottles of wine a day. On top of that a shot here or there chasing down an adderall and Wellbutrin and who knows what else kind of medications. 22 years later I’ve had enough of her bullshit. I have no issues with medication to help you get back on your feet or out of a depressed state. It only stands to reason that these drugs on top of alcohol is going change or keep your mind in a fucked up place overtime. Especially with no end in site. But the doctors say it’s fine she just needs therapy to ease her mind. Her therapist just agrees with her almost validating her consumption of alcohol. I final decided I had enough…she threaten divorce a few times but it was always about money never about the lost of our love or time we spend building our relationship. Regardless of pre nup that she signed (twice)I gave her enough money to last her the rest of her life. I did that for my piece of mind not for her. It’s been rough and hard living without her, after all, my love was true for her and I fought and fought to keep our marriage together. I even used Bible scriptures to help her see what god says about marriage. But finally I realized this isnt gonna get any better so I decided, she either goes to rehab (I would go also, even though I don’t drink alcohol excessively or at all sometimes but for support). Nevertheless I was willing to…she wasn’t willing to stop drinking or to go to rehab. she decided it was all me creating the division between us. How do you deal with that? You don’t, you just move forward and build your life back up. That what I am doing …I suggest the same for you, you’ll be happier in the long run. I have found a beautiful woman that shares similar thoughts and goals in life, only down side is I should have pushed rehab much earlier then later. It’s over now, and it’s now time to pick yourself by the boot straps and move on, work on you. Get yourself happy ….Good luck

Gattsama · 2024-03-20T07:51:32+00:00

OP I strongly recommend "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad. Really helped me during the separation and divorce. In my case, no kids and I ultimately filed (after she took off her ring and told me to leave).

These women are broken and we can not fix them. My wake up call was learning about DARVO.

EnvironmentalAd3558 · 2024-03-20T07:31:20+00:00

Different road but same destination. Walkway after 20+ years and 3 minor children. I loved her. But no effort on her part to address or work on the relationship issues. I felt like you. I knew nothing else for so long. After about 6 months of separation and introspection I deeply felt betrayed and saw how selfish her conduct was. She was no longer the woman I thought I had married and it made me doubt that she ever was. She had been planning this for many months and possibly for years.

With that realization I was able to find me again and although there remained issues to be resolved I looked forward with excitement again. It was my turn to be done and even if she had wanted to come back I would have rejected that opportunity. I was free and in control of my life.

Visual_Cycle_1066 · 2024-03-20T07:30:43+00:00

You have been set free my friend. I am giving you a virtual high-five and toasting you. You endured an abusive relationship for far too long. But now you are free of her!

You likely have some level of PTSD and should seek out excellent counseling.

Embrace being a cautionary tale. Continue to share your story with younger men. Gentlemen, do not tolerate disrespect, abuse, or madness. Nip it in the bud. Tell your wife you are not happy in the relationship and if things don't change you don't see how it can continue. And if that doesn't wake her up, end it. BOOM. Don't wait 26 years. 26 months? Maybe.

It sucks to say but we are all going to die. Don't waste time in a horrible marriage.

Congratulations brother. I know you know you should have been the one to end it, but get over that and just enjoy the fact that you are free now. Not all woman are BPD abusive, get out there and have a great time, one day at a time.

Equivalent-Creme5282 · 2024-03-20T06:17:54+00:00

I feel your pain. I am on a similar boat, maybe not as extreme on the BPD, since my sbtx has not been diagnosed, but her mother is, and I suspect she is as well.

She decided to end it after 13 years of marriage and a small kid.

I don't claim I am perfect, but I am not irresponsible as she portrays me to be. She accuses me of being the reason for her professional failure, when all I did was support her with all her diverse but never see through projects.

I currently have my ups and downs, but I am feeling more positive about the future. Hang in there!

SpacemanLost · 2024-03-20T05:50:13+00:00

You can't help someone who won't help themselves.

As others here with BPD ex's, including myself, this is all too familiar.

I would playing the odds to assume that she upped the crazy during the divorce process and believes she deserves a million dollars a year in alimony for life and -10% visitation for you.

Keep holding true, be the best dad possible, and shut her out of your life as much as possible.

Ignore the blame - they all do that, and most actually believe the untruths that come out of their mouths. Her brain is not working the same way yours is - there's no understanding to reason with her left.

You will survive.

Divorce_texas · 2024-03-20T04:20:50+00:00

Power to you buddy.
That is usually the same story. Sounds very similar to mine as well. 20+ years. We have been separated for about a year now and are waiting for the mediation and she is nickel-diming everywhere.

We forget to live our own life and consider ourselves the slave of family, happily. I did it too. Weekends and all other plans in my case was dictated by her.
Who do we talk to and who we ignore was also her call. If I would go out with my friends, it would be frowned upon.
I am sad at time, missing the good times we had and a partner to share stuff. She still blames me.
My teen kid chose to live with me and rarely talks to her now.

In my case too, when I set the boundaries, it ended pretty fast. She might be a narcissist, who feels she can never be wrong and so far in 20+ years has never ever apologized to anyone.

While separated, I feel, my life is so much calmer (not happier though) and I'm content with that.

rgmac24 · 2024-03-20T04:01:15+00:00

Just coming out of a similar experience with nearly identical internal feelings, both as a father/husband provider and also WTF for putting up with her bullshit, this community has been supportive

I left the home finally about 3-4 weeks ago, aside from the legal headaches now, I can turn around and say 100% correct decision

My story for context:

https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/pcJLfmEiIW

acg34 · 2024-03-20T03:23:00+00:00

For 26 years you put your wife and kids first. You’ve been husband, father, and provider. You’re going to go through a major identity change. It’s going to take some time to readjust. But soon you’ll only be responsible for yourself. You’ll be able to focus on your wellbeing, make self improvements, find new hobbies, exercise, meet new people, and begin to live your life how you want.

Plenty-Entertainer71 · 2024-03-20T03:21:26+00:00

I don’t doubt her divorced friend had a little part to do with her getting a divorce

needanewone2559 · 2024-03-20T03:15:25+00:00

Hey brother, sorry you're here but it's good you're here. Take all that energy that you put into her and your relationship and use it to heal and care for you now.

JimSevere0271 · 2024-03-20T03:11:55+00:00

Dude. My situation is very very similar.

But trust me when I say you have to focus on the fact that you cannot control other people's feelings or behavior.

when you boil it down it's because she's incredibly selfish.

there's just no other way around it.

and if she's anything like the one I'm dealing with she will use every opportunity to hurt and take her anger out on you.

Even though you can conceptualize why the relationship was so toxic it doesn't make it hurt any less.

unfortunately all of this is going to take time.

I'm 8 months out from the separation and just starting to feel like things could get better.

But everybody has their own timeline.

keep posting in here when you get frustrated and take care of yourself and your kids.

YOU ARE TOUGH ENOUGH TO MAKE IT

Don't give up!

Android_1234 · 2024-03-20T02:17:24+00:00

First off, take a moment and pat yourself on the back for sticking it out that long and willing to continue sticking it out. Us men take our word and our vows extremely seriously. This alone makes what some women do unfathomable. I am in the process and only have about half the time married as you so I can't even imagine. It is the toughest thing I've ever had to do. I focused on providing and making sure she wanted for nothing and also worked on being better emotionally when she mentioned she needed that. It was never enough and the goal posts always moved.

Thinking of you brother, hold your head high and be the best father you can to those kids.

CornelParent · 2024-03-22T04:28:48+00:00

27 years in. Wife is classic narcissist. I am single earner, wife never worked. If I take sep , I have to give 50-50 and I am totally fine with that. But I have to pay alimony too permanently. This is what bothering me as I want to take retirement at 60 from the beginning now to pay alimony I have continue to work till she 65 or I have e pay alimony y as well her insurance foe t 13 years till she turns s 65

rb5775 · 2024-03-22T20:46:22+00:00

You are absolutely correct. A narcissist will NEVER accept responsibility for anything. Keep going buddy. You'll be OK. Focus on you. By the way. Grey Rock drives narcissists nuts.

Active-Leg-44 · 2024-09-30T19:16:11+00:00

18 years together and the other day she turns around to me and tells me she doesn't love me out of nowhere. 24 hours prior, she had told me how much she loved me. I was expecting a nice day together (as we'd put it aside to spend time together, as we both had a day off from work), then I get hit out of nowhere with that....

I have long suspected she may be bipolar. There's been non-stop mood swings over the entire time we've been together. She'll be so loving one minute, then ice cold the next. Then back to loving and apologising for being so cold. She'd often go nuclear on everything (usually work, sometimes friendships), where she would just burn it all to the ground. I used to joke about being the coolant rod to her nuclear reactor, as she had a ridiculously short fuse. It seemed like everything would set her off some days.

This time, it seems she's made up her mind for good. :( To say I am devastated is an understatement. She is my entire world. I have always made a point of telling her how loved she is each and every day, and showing her through my actions. On the flip side, I've often had to deal with coldness and been left feeling unloved. I accepted this was not entirely her fault however, as I believe she does have this mental health condition (being bipolar). Therefore, I have exercised extreme patience over the years, continuing to support every HUGE life changing decision she made (which always came out of nowhere).

But yet here I am.... I really wish she'd have accepted she had a problem/got diagnosed. She's acting like nothing's happened atm, insisting she thinks we can still be "friends," but I've told her I just can't do that, as all I want to be is together as partners (as we had been, up until this point). The idea of just being "friends" with someone who up until a few days ago was my soultmate is just too cruel. :(

Title	Just Like That, 26 Years.
Author	MissionToe3030
Upvotes	83
Comments	85
Date	March 20, 2024 12:08 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1bizsfx/just_like_that_26_years/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/just-like-that-26-years.1428551 https://theredarchive.com/post/1428551

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