Does anyone else get told this after the divorce starts?

Interesting-Doctor-5 · 2024-05-21T18:40:07+00:00

Bro, you do you man. Been there done that! Nothing good from it.

FuriousSasquatch · 2024-05-20T17:47:29+00:00

Do what you want man. No one is you, no one feels what you do, no one makes and lives with the decisions you do. It's a fairly generic bit of advice and I struggle with a lot of it myself. I am older and was thoroughly committed to 1 woman for 20 years. Now I'm just supposed to throw all that away, get on the apps and whore around? Nah man. For some that may be the way, for me I haven't felt that is my path.

probebeta · 2024-05-19T23:37:39+00:00

I don't think you need to do it if you don't have any desire to do it. The bonus from this is you might be able to wrap the divorce up quicker instead of stirring emotions which can actually slow things down.

I did it because I wanted to though, and can be fun too... If she wants to splurge, waste money and have fun, I'll do the same and more. Not the most rational decision but exercising your freedom does feel good.

mrk177 · 2024-05-19T17:01:54+00:00

Yeah both my brothers encouraged this. Their line of thinking is that helps you understand that there more fish in the sea. I did this for a small stint. I quickly felt the emptiness involved in that activity but it was fun while it lasted.

I hate online dating and dating in general after being divorced. All of it feels weird. I’m content with being single if I happen to me someone I’m for it but I won’t make the extra effort anymore.

Melodic-Grapefruit-4 · 2024-05-18T00:52:43+00:00

It’s because no one wants to deal with the healing aspect of divorce. It’s hard shit, it can literally drive you crazy. Focus on yourself. Hit the gym. Run. Get a good group of friends (chicks too) you can just chill with. And in 8-12 months brother you’ll be a new man.

RepresentativeOk5968 · 2024-05-19T16:25:32+00:00

I got the same advice during my divorce; mostly from my friends who figured I needed to go out and smash coeds 15 years my junior. Don't listen to it, you do you on how you recover and move on.

rub-positive-8063 · 2024-05-19T06:11:30+00:00

In January 28, 2018 I got sober and by mid-March, I served her with papers.

In July I thought I was in good enough shape emotionally to start dating. When I did match and start talking with women, I was very transparent about who I was, meaning a recovering alcoholic who only filed for divorce 4-6mo ago. I was absolutely FLOORED when woman after woman wouldn’t bat an eye that I was an alcoholic with less than a year sober, but not long enough out of my marital relationship was a deal breaker.

My sponsor advised me to not date until I learned who I am again. I went through a lot of change and self-discovery. I had to learn to love myself before I could love someone else.

Don’t get me wrong - there’s a distinction between “going through a go phase” and having an actual loving relationship. It doesn’t sound like you’re completely comfortable with ho-ing around, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

My advice, would be to ether 1) get to know yourself and become the best version of yourself you can. Or 2) if you’re gonna ho, be transparent about it, at least.

Re: 1, I’m willing to bet you played a part in the World War 3 fighting with STBX. Figure that shit out. Own it. Learn from it, all before getting under a new one to get over the old one. ✌️

1984BurnerAccount · 2024-05-19T03:05:26+00:00

I've had multiple people tell me that same bullshit but also I've had multiple people tell me to take a year to myself. I actually fucking hate it but to each their own

I think it really depends on what type of marriage you had and the issues therein.

Flapique · 2024-05-19T02:54:01+00:00

Look dude. If you don't like banging chicks then go take a crochet class or something. I dunno what to say except that it makes me feel good. If it's not for you then it's not for you. But for most of us, our chicks either cheated on us or deprived us the last years of our marriage. + It's mentally healthy to get out there and feel like a man once again. I met my chick online and I'm totally fine with that. I don't feel like a loser or anything. She screams my name and scratches my back and begs for me to dump my load in her. I'm a big fan of all these things and they bring a smile to my face. If you want to go to the nunnery and that makes you happy then do it. Not everything is for everyone.

engineered-chemistry · 2024-05-19T02:40:50+00:00

Do what brings you peace. Do what you feel you are ready for.

Theedon · 2024-05-19T02:39:35+00:00

My best pal has offered to get a whore because I don't fuck around. It's been 8 years, dated 4 woman from 24 to 50. 2 of them basically raped me. I said, "I love you" before her divorce was settled.

Just be you, do what you want to do. If you want to be alone, do that because it is your life.

AirSailer · 2024-05-19T02:00:36+00:00

I have to say, it's really heartening to see so many men in these comments recommending that OP not go out and get laid ASAP. The "get as much tail as possible" advice promotes the negative association men in our society have with sex. It's easy to recommend fucking as much as possible if you view men as singularly focused on sex, when the reality is that men are emotional beings and take breakups and divorce quite hard... possibly even harder than women. Add to that the high probability that any man who gets such shitty advice won't actually be able to get sex if he tries, which then can negatively affect his self esteem. Men need real support, not shitty advice like OP was getting from his RL "friends".

This sub rocks, keep it up guys!

jrgunner · 2024-05-18T21:29:06+00:00

Sadly it's the culture and times in which we live. What I'm about to say will get you accused of "talking like a victim", but here it is anyway.

The standards for men today are impossible. Not in that they are unattainable, but as in impossible.

If you want to go mess around, then it shows you never really cared about her and messing around was what you always wanted anyway because men are a bunch of animalistic creatures that think with their dicks. But if you don't want to mess around, then you're a pussy who overthinks stuff and gets overly attached and you're too emotional.

Maybe you'd like to explore the field, but times have changed and you're no longer a single guy in your early 20s. You're a divorcee in in your late 30s and find it hard to connect or even meet new people. You notice that the scene is disappointing and if you can even meet women they're rather offputting boss bitches...then you're an incel who is bitter.

Perhaps you're not looking for something, but open to the idea of the right person/situation...then you're naive and weak. It's not going to just "happen", you gotta be proactive and "make" it happen.

Alternatively, your life has been turned upside down.and you would like to focus on your child(ren) and yourself. Focus on being a father, perhaps find your own identity and what moves you after years of compromising in a failed marriage in which you lost your identity. Then people will tell you not to isolate yourself, "get out there", etc.

It seems like no matter what you think or do, nobody will listen/empathize or care. They'll just tell you tropes they think you want to hear.

You're a man, with a penis...well then surely the only thing you could want after your marriage falls apart is some p*ssy so for it!

Yeah man... it's totally weird for people to tell you that. Especially when it's people in your life who at any point encouraged you to find a wife and start a family.

Just nod politely and say "yup". Then, go do whatever the fuck it is you actually feel like doing or not doing.

Business-Hope-5414 · 2024-05-18T16:57:45+00:00

I get told this all the time… you aren’t ready… just focus on being a better you.

rhett342 · 2024-05-18T15:29:07+00:00

I've been separated almost 2 years now and my divorce was finalized back in August. I've been told the same thing and have only barely even had the desire to act on it. I'm not religious or anything at all. I just don't really have the desire to do stuff like that. I'm too busy working on me and turning myself into the type of man who can get the type of woman that I'd actually want instead of the dud I wasted 20+ years on.

biscuts99 · 2024-05-18T12:57:36+00:00

Do what you want to do that'll make you happy. Everyone gives advice because they don't have to deal with the consequences.

BroForceTowerFall · 2024-05-18T06:49:41+00:00

Same marriage age & separated for a few months at 36, with 2 kids. My STBXW (cheater w/borderline), mom, brother, best friend, and even my conservative grandma are telling me the same. I love(d) my STBXW deeply, and I have been utterly eviscerated this year. They can't seem to understand that it's not healthy to pressure me into that before I'm ready. Right now, I'd be inviting her into a half-empty home, feel self-conscious and weirdly guilty during sex, offer to let her sleep long-ways in my twin bed, and weep for an hour trying to sleep curled up at the end of the bed, ending with me puking over the intensity of the weird made-up feeling of betrayal. Most of that would happen regardless of where we do it.

Why the hell would I want to put either of us in that situation? I'm sticking with this until I'm ready: therapy, putting my home back together, chilling with my kids, finalizing the divorce, learning life skills that I missed out on, and getting a new batch of friends that I get to pick myself.

FUMoney · 2024-05-18T12:16:11+00:00

The reccuring advice/comment I keep getting is that I need to go start banging a bunch of women.... Normal for a divorced Dad to start just being a manwhore?

It's bad advice, usually given by keyboard liars who are doing nothing of the sort, though surely some are. I don't know what "normal" is. But I do know a lot of us are not interested in getting down with anything that moves -- and most especially not in the living situation you describe. Hell, I'd be worried about disease, even with protection. And you're right, having to pursue or interact with that many people sounds really annoying.

So, you do what you feel is best. Take your time. Get a place. Get used to it, make it your own. Pursue at your own speed. No one will judge you for it.

Vivid-Juggernaut2833 · 2024-05-18T10:01:11+00:00

So, it really depends. If you’re not short, not fat, and you have a decent career, dating apps can work for you.

Tips:

-triple schedule dinners 5:30-6:30-7:30; cancel last minute on the less attractive ones as necessary. This is ruthless, but if you don’t, you will waste time and blow your schedule.

-your photos are everything. Get good ones that show you happy, as you are in the current day.

DarkKn1ghtyKnight · 2024-05-18T08:40:34+00:00

I was always the type to jump at what was easy and forego quality. Like this smoking hot, smart woman would be there but because it was taking effort, I’d jump at the first easy woman that would cross my path.

Not anymore. I decided to focus on me, and let my own self being and doing something that makes me happy. I started playing guitar 5 years ago, just before my marriage really fell apart, at HER advice. Well, I just joined a band. Even if I’m conservative with expectations, once we start playing out, I’m going to have women seeking me.

I’m done chasing, I’ll pursue a little, but it’s quality over quantity at this point.

TangerineKlutzy5660 · 2024-05-18T04:37:36+00:00

I don’t know but your answer sounds hotter and more sensible than that of dudes who sleep around so you’re already winning. And think like a teenager - there’s always places outside the house, a car, an open field, public places. Her house.

I would just do what feels alright to you though. People seem to make a big deal of sex. My libido was high but my ex wasn’t into it as much as I am. So what does it matter if I’m celibate for a couple years? It’s frustrating at times. But it’s better to heal and be ready than jump right on it and bring lots of drama because of unhealed divorce stuff. It’s worth something to really be on your own and figure out what you enjoy and to know that you can be happy and whole and content by yourself.

Psydequest · 2024-05-18T04:35:36+00:00

No. I'm 3 years post divorce and I still don't want that. I don't want that at all. I want a wife and family again. I'm not 18 or 25 or even 35. I'm done with all that ho running shit. I just want what I imagined I had. but never did. Banging chicks is not going to heal anything, my marriage wasn't something I wanted to escape from and it was not because I was married that held me back from sex with strangers.. No, you do whatever you feel will help and I would add to try and not fuck anyone else up along the way.

demeve · 2024-05-18T04:18:40+00:00

Don’t do it brother. Trust your own instincts not the advice of someone else who did not live through what you did. Take your time. You don’t need hoes to be happy

Gattsama · 2024-05-18T03:14:20+00:00

Do NOT listen to people telling you you need a 304 phase. Nothing good comes from it. Take some time to get use to being alone, work out what you want from life, hit the gym, get your financials in order, etc. There is no shortage of women, and they will always be there...

MidniteOG · 2024-05-18T02:42:03+00:00

I’m in a similar situation…. Stbx moved out and is already seeing someone…. Been told I need to go off myself. I can’t bring myself to do it.

upvotersfortruth · 2024-05-18T02:31:28+00:00

The purpose of the Ho phase is so you can get used to being single. Have you ever in your adult life been alone? 22 isn’t even an adult. So the risks of you falling back in with someone are high. You don’t have to ho around but you do need to become comfortable with being alone. Ho phase makes it more fun.

Millhouse201 · 2024-05-18T02:29:30+00:00

We are the same to the T

alifeofpeace · 2024-05-18T02:11:21+00:00

Take it sloooowwww You were with her for a very long time Take time to HEAL

RevolutionaryLaw8854 · 2024-05-18T01:55:24+00:00

Fuck that noise - stack cash

CrazySanta7 · 2024-05-18T01:48:14+00:00

What kind of idiots do you hang out with? This is like high school stuff. Hot boy summer? This can't be real.

captainchippsixx · 2024-05-18T01:35:43+00:00

No! Geezuz h. The opposite. Avoid them.

CulturedGentleman921 · 2024-05-18T01:01:16+00:00

Nah man work on yourself. Work out, get fit, and develop your career and new hobbies.

JuneCleaversMudFlaps · 2024-05-18T01:00:23+00:00

Be on your own for a bit. No point in using another person to fill a void that was missing from your marriage. You don’t even know how much baggage you may be carrying yet, and without proper healing, you can land in a world of hurt. I got in one too soon, ignored so many red flags it’s disturbing, trauma bonded, and then got destroyed. It’s not worth it.

Melodic-Grapefruit-4 · 2024-05-18T00:47:19+00:00

Listen dude, from my experience it opens up a whole another can of shit. From one end you like the attention you get from all these single beautiful women, especially if you start taking care of your self physically. It’s the shit you been missing from your marriage. Being chased and wanted again. From the other end, it’s fucking weird and brings up some crazy emotions. You’re getting your physical needs met but your emotional ones are still in survival mode. They’ll be a lot of resentment towards your stbxw. My advice take it slow bro. Couple casual dates and just focus on yourself.

Title	Does anyone else get told this after the divorce starts?
Author	Chaotic_Boots
Upvotes	26
Comments	72
Date	May 18, 2024 12:33 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1cuks3a/does_anyone_else_get_told_this_after_the_divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/does-anyone-else-get-told-this-after-the-divorce.1518795 https://theredarchive.com/post/1518795

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