I struggle to sympathize with women who enter abusive relationships because, in most cases, the warning signs are present, and they choose to ignore them. Abusive men are rarely the brilliant or good-looking manipulators they are often portrayed to be. On the contrary, many lack both sophistication and charisma, and their red flags are evident early on. For instance, if a boyfriend of one month suggests cutting ties with long-time friends and someone chooses to comply, there is an element of personal responsibility to consider. No one is forcing that decision, it’s a choice.

Another reason I find it difficult to sympathize is that women often have other options. In most cases, women in abusive relationships chose the abuser over more suitable partners who showed genuine interest in them. Ironically, the “good guys” are often better-looking or more desirable than the abuser, even if they aren’t stereotypical “alpha males.”

Let me provide an example I witnessed firsthand. A woman I know had two men interested in her: one was a good guy, and the other was the abusive guy. The good guy and the abuser didn’t get along, partly because the good guy had called out the abuser’s manipulative behavior in the past. The good guy was fit, stylish, and carried himself with confidence, even though he was relatively reserved. Despite being 5’7”, he was occasionally approached by women at social events. The abuser, on the other hand, was out of shape, lacked a spine, and had no sense of style. The only thing he had over the good guy was his height (6’+).

Unfortunately, we all know what many average or unattractive women tend to prioritize, so it was no surprise when the woman chose the abusive man. Years later, the abuser has isolated her from her friends and family, while the good guy has moved on and is now with someone who truly appreciates him. His girlfriend often talks about how well he treats her, mentioning small things, like making her coffee every morning or always asking if she wants something when he’s getting something for himself. This aligns with what I observed when he was my roommate, he was always thoughtful and considerate, not just with me but with his other close friends as well.

The abuser, however, has continued his pattern of belittling and demeaning his girlfriend, just as he did with others in the past. The red and green flags were always there, but she made her choice. Ironically, the good guy’s girlfriend is not only beautiful but also financially well-off, which makes sense since her prioritization of personality and other mutable characteristics is strongly correlated with her success.

This incident is one of the reasons I avoid women who are average, unattractive, or have been in relationships with abusive men. In almost every case I’ve observed, there was a better option available (a good guy), and the abuser’s nature wasn’t well-hidden. Most women, especially those who are mature and emotionally intelligent, don’t tolerate such behavior. They choose better. It takes two to tango, and entering into an abusive relationship often reflects extremely poor judgment on the woman’s part.

Note: This is based on an American dating dynamic.