Preferences make sense when it’s about characteristics that aren’t immutable, otherwise it’s bigotry. Dating is also the most socially acceptable form of being a bigot, and nothing will really change that.

Colt_Master · 2026-01-04T10:08:27+00:00

You make an overreach wrongly assuming there's any bigotry involved when sexual and romantic attraction is in many parts a subconscious and involuntary process that isn't always necessarily "fair". Someone might not want to date a trans person not because they're bigoted against them, but because the knowledge of their biological sex might be a turnoff at a deep level. And instincts are not morally evil, they're morally neutral, as morality implies choice, which instincts do not give regarding who you're into.

The same can especially be said about physical preferences which are technically covered in your post? I'm not bigoted against small-boobied women. Lesbians aren't bigoted towards straight men either. Technically both small boobs and gender are kinda mutable nowadays with aesthetic surgery but I doubt that was part of the intention of your post.

Due_Appointment_1188 · 2026-01-04T11:10:48+00:00

Your take is technically clever but practically useless.

If you remove discrimination from dating, you remove dating.

Attraction does not give a shit about your moral taxonomy. People aren't attracted to choices, they're attracted to bodies, behaviors, signals, vibes, histories, patterns. Some of those are mutable, some are not, some are partially mutable, some are socially constructed, some are biologically anchored. Trying to draw a clean ethical line here is cope.

Dating isn't activism or virtue signaling for imaginary internet points. It's brutal, it's raw, it's merciless. It's literally driven by desire, not by ethics and definitely not by performative righteousness.

Turns out when people have to make important decisions for themselves, all bets are off.

Lanaglu · 2026-01-04T11:33:56+00:00

it's not "morally wrong". You can choose to not date someone for any arbitrary reason it is entirely a subject preference. If someone doesn't want to date you, that's it they dont owe you anything.

It's not discrimination. Discrimination is depriving someone of something they should be entitled to. You are not entitled to date someone who doesn't want you.

It's not even bigotry. Bigotry is having a negative and irrational belief about some group of people. Sometimes dating preferences are caused by some bigoted beliefs but they don't have to be. "I dont find this trait physically attractive" is the obvious example but it can be litterally anything as long as it's not based on some bigoted beliefs.

Corbast7 · 2026-01-04T10:03:11+00:00

I generally agree but I’d add that bigotry means that you unreasonably assign bad qualities to someone’s membership of a group. It’s not always immutable, but it often is.

Also some immutable things don’t need to involve bigotry at all. It can apply to physical traits. Like a man not preferring women with narrow hips, or a woman not preferring shorter guys. Those very often don’t involve bigoted beliefs.

HotOutcome9161 · 2026-01-04T09:38:17+00:00

So if Bonnie Blue went celibate for 5 years and stopped doing only fans it would be bigotry not to date her based of her past because she cant change her past but she is not promiscuous anymore?

TrumpFucksKidz · 2026-01-04T10:53:02+00:00

I don't want to date white women because they will never understand my lived experience or the experience that our children will have.

If you want to call me a bigot for deciding who I allow into my personal life, then I'd love to hear that argument.

Bear in mind that my personal preference to not date them has zero impact on their lives whatsoever outside of that one arena.

Poppy_Luvv · 2026-01-04T10:43:46+00:00

Not wanting to date a trans person is transphobia, but it’s not a serious transgression of rights, although it does come from a place of bigotry and discrimination.

Being trans isn't an immutable characteristic, by definition. People who transition are undergoing treatment to alter their immutable characteristics to match how they want to look and be perceived by the world. It's not just a choice but a series of choices.

And in terms of sexuality, that is immutable but having sex with someone of the same sex is also a choice. Attraction can exist without action. And that is what tends to be what makes people not want to date bisexual people. I don't fundamentally see the difference in rejecting people who have had many partners and rejecting people who have had partners of the same (or opposite) sex. Both are irrelevant to you two having sex. But if one is fine, then both are.

The reason you're upset with people rejecting trans and bi people isn't because they're immutable traits, but because you see it as people being punished for being themselves. But I'd argue that not dating someone will never be punishment.

And immutable traits and dating is also sort of a bad argument. Without major medical intervention, our faces, height, breast/penis size are all immutable characteristics. But each of these are acceptable reasons not to date someone.

The real reason you dislike people rejecting people because there's a history of racial segregation and subjugation, and that has never actually stopped people from having sex with the 'lower' races. They just deny them full personhood, legally. See, most slave owning men raped and had children with their slaves, and then enslaved their own children. Which is an uniquely icky aspect other immutable traits don't have.

alphamaker420 · 2026-01-04T12:54:51+00:00

Idk I don't think it's bigoted to not want to date someone with a particular mental illness as an example. I wouldn't date someone with gender dysphoria or body dysmorphia, the former because I know I would slip up often and I wouldn't want to do that to them and the latter because my body would probably be triggering to them. People can have valid practical reasons for not dating someone with certain immutable traits, that aren't based in prejudice.

Race and sexuality (bi specifically) are different though, no practical reasons for avoiding them. I can say for a fact that I would never willingly date a gay man and a gay man would never willing date me and that's not bigoted lol, just how sexuality works. It's not bigoted to be unattracted to certain features either like not being into a certain height. I wouldn't want to date a man over like 6'1-2 because I don't like for my man to tower over me like that (I'm actually kind of scared of super tall people lol I'm tallphobic in the literal sense).

HotOutcome9161 · 2026-01-04T13:26:09+00:00

I don‘t agree with this definition. If I say I don‘t want to date a certain race because I don‘t find them visually appealing. That would be my preference. If I say I don‘t want to date them because I associate negative traits with them, that would be bigotry.

SoftWaterHol4 · 2026-01-04T14:08:36+00:00

Labeling dating/sexual preferences as bigoted is not helpful even if it's technically true, you're just watering down the meaning of the word. By calling people bigots for having preferences those people will eventually get annoyed and start pushing back by saying stuff like "lol I guess I'm a bigot then hahah" as a joke. And now that regular people are joking about being bigots because of accusations like this, genuine bigots can spout their hate even more openly with even less fear of repercussions. You're basically just making it socially acceptable to say "yeah I'm a bigot, so what?". Is that really what you want?

januaryphilosopher · 2026-01-04T13:16:30+00:00

Is it sexist to not be bisexual then?

Lemon_gecko · 2026-01-04T09:25:25+00:00

I will never date gay man. So now i'm a bigot. Hey!

Patrickstarho · 2026-01-04T10:19:30+00:00

Yeah women turn into old white Republicans when it comes to dating standards. It’s actually insane

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The_WankingBuddha · 2026-01-04T10:36:03+00:00

How is it bigotry to prefer blue eyes or red hair in a partner?

MrTTripz · 2026-01-04T12:02:40+00:00

Is it bigoted for me, a straight cis male to not want a romantic relationship with a gay man?

Demasii · 2026-01-04T12:47:13+00:00

I disagree that it's a negative thing to not want to date someone to be considered bigoted.

JustSomeRandomGuy36 · 2026-01-04T13:30:31+00:00

Biologically driven sexual preferences are not bigotry. Heterosexual white women for example are statistically far more attracted to heterosexual white men than any other group. That does not mean they are inherently racist or homophobic/biphobic. These preferences do not come from a place of bigotry or hatred

Creation_Soul · 2026-01-04T13:40:23+00:00

while technically true, most people are socially savvy enough to not be assholes directly. If someone if not into people of a certain race they will just say "sorry, i am not interested" or some other generic stuff, not say anything about their race.

NoDanaOnlyZuuI · 2026-01-04T15:58:44+00:00

You can have a hard boundary in dating without it meaning you think a whole group is inferior. That’s not the same as discrimination in jobs, housing, or law, where people are actually being denied rights.

It crosses into bigotry when someone starts justifying their attraction by assigning negative traits to an entire group, or pretending it’s neutral while leaning on stereotypes. Saying “I’m not attracted” isn’t the same as saying “people like that are X, so I won’t date them.”

Dating is one of the few areas where consent and desire are the entire point. You can admit bias exists and still accept that no one’s obligated to override their attraction to meet a moral standard. Calling every hard boundary “bigotry” just dilutes what the word is supposed to mean.

InvalidProgrammer · 2026-01-04T16:47:18+00:00

Wouldn’t the same logic imply that a heterosexual person not wanting a romantic relationship with someone of the same sex is a bigot? I think the vast majority of us would agree that is a silly statement.

You’re attempting to redefine bigotry to fit your argument. But that doesn’t fit with what the rest of the world agrees on what is considered bigotry. You don’t get to redefine terms to make your arguments work - this is the definist fallacy.

Gold_Sheepherder6569 · 2026-01-04T16:49:14+00:00

Why is that bigotry? Like trans people are different from cis people even if you acknowledge them as the gender they identify as, there are also phenotypic differences between races and you might not find a certain one attractive. The sexuality one can be a bigotry and it is in most cases but it can also not be.

mashedturnip · 2026-01-04T17:08:40+00:00

It’s not, because relationships are voluntary and desired.

You don’t have to like or want to be around someone to treat them non-hatefully

matthedev · 2026-01-04T18:49:39+00:00

I wouldn't necessarily call these kinds of things bigotry. It's probably not uncommon for people to be most attracted to people of the same race or cultural background as them. If these people aren't discriminating against people of other races and cultures in the workplace or other situations, I don't think that's necessarily bigotry.

Likewise, I don't think you can call people bigoted or transphobic just because they won't date a transgendered person. I don't see all the straight woke men running out as fast as they can to date a trans woman with what Cards Against Humanity called the Even Bigger BBC flopping around just to prove they're sufficiently woke. It's really not my concern if they want to undergo gender-affirming care or change their name and preferred pronouns, but I'm not going to date them.

If you're transgendered and want more success with dating, you should probably spend more time in LGBT spaces instead of lamenting that straight, cissexual people don't want to date you and calling it bigotry and transphobia.

Axis_Control · 2026-01-04T09:45:44+00:00

It's not bigotry because it's a preference.

RelativeYak7 · 2026-01-04T10:22:44+00:00

No one has free will so being a promiscuous, jobless bum is out of a person's control in the same way height and weight are. Investigate Robert Sapolsky's argument on YouTube for more. Very convincing argument against humans having any free will at all.

JustRuss79 · 2026-01-04T11:36:49+00:00

It isn't bigoted, its discriminatory. Possibly Prejudiced. But bigotry implies unreasonable or obstinate prejudice.

I've dated and had sex with black women, and I am exactly as attracted to a black woman as I am to a man of any race. It's chemical more than anything else, smells, tastes, textures. I can make it work...in the same way a Gay guy can be married with kids. Doing so doesn't respect my truth.

If that makes me a biggot, then so be it. But I won't date a black woman, because she is black. The same way I won't eat certain foods because I know it will make me sick.

SilverSaan · 2026-01-05T12:25:27+00:00

In dating it's fine to deny for any reason.
ANY Reason, no matter if you think it's bigoted or not.

I wouldn't date a christian
I wouldn't date a hindu
I wouldn't date a muslim
and I wouldn't date a conservative.

My friend wouldn't date black people, I'm black/mixed, that's just fine.

Pitiful_Home5655 · 2026-01-05T18:20:26+00:00

Attraction isn't negotiable. You can label it however you like with whatever -ism or -phobia you want, you can shout "bigotry!!" from the rooftops, and it still won't change that person's preferences even a little.

Vaudeville_Clown · 2026-01-04T11:41:36+00:00

This is a pretty good post, and I think it's close but I believe it's slightly different.

The question when it turns to bigotry is how definitive the disqualifier is.

This example isn't perfect since it's more about main orientation than anything but I think it applies. I used to consider myself 100% straight but then I became part of a big friend/hobby group where the majority was gay or bi. What happened is that it shifted for me a little. I now can consider men vaguely attractive and "hmm maybe" but I'm not very gay at all so it doesn't go further than that, and that's immutable. But me thinking I couldn't feel even remotely gay, that was homophobia.

So that's how I see it. If you think you have a complete disqualifier like "No matter who steps into my life, I couldn't. Not with this trait."

then that's bigotry, yes. Might not mean much if the bigotry is lifted though.

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