Slow burn vs genuine desire

wtknight · 2026-01-15T18:07:35+00:00

Removed. Debate posts must be titled as affirmative statements.

Groundbreaking_Can81 · 2026-01-15T16:10:57+00:00

Blue, red, black or purple pill...why would anyone be okay being someone's second option?

howdoiw0rkthisthing · 2026-01-15T16:35:42+00:00

Welcome to 99.9% of recorded human history

belongtomee · 2026-01-15T17:15:50+00:00

Most men just aren’t viscerally attractive enough for that

Pro-IDGAF · 2026-01-15T16:15:28+00:00

is there really a first option? isnt there always a someone better? i feel like we chose someone that fits us as best they can and you grow with them.

first best seems like a dream and we never really know who's going to be better. theres always something missing in a relationship and obtaining perfection seems unlikely

the_scar_when_you_go · 2026-01-15T17:00:16+00:00

There's a lot of romanticization of developing feelings over time. That's what friends-to-lovers is. And quick, strong feelings are often just sexual tension or the result of circumstance. (It's why horror movies and amusement parks/fairs make good dates if you're hoping for a smooch. Heart rate gets up and the brain associates that excitement with the person who's there.) So I don't think that's a reliable indicator of much.

Whether or not a person is settling is a very different question. And I understand wanting to be The One. I don't think we all agree on what that means. Someone so attractive that compatibility issues can be overlooked? Someone so wonderful that it doesn't matter if they aren't your "type"? Someone you can't keep your hands off of? Someone you wanna hold hands with in the nursing home? Our standards are gonna determine not just what we want, but what we wanna be.

Other ppl may not have the same standards. If that doesn't work for you, then that's ok. But that doesn't mean you wouldn't be what they want.

Desperate-Exit7423 · 2026-01-15T16:13:55+00:00

I would not be okay with being someone’s “safe option” or “Mr. Good Enough”. If a woman doesn’t compliment me, initiate sex with me, lust after me, or in any way treats me like she doesn’t genuinely desire me, I’d leave the relationship.

love_in_october · 2026-01-15T16:25:28+00:00

You say you want them to truly desire you. What do they really know about you after one date or whatever cutoff you have for "genuine desire"? Do you really want them to be that into their superficial first impression of you? Do you really think that's more genuine than them getting to know you properly and being attracted to you after knowing all those things?

TermAggravating8043 · 2026-01-15T16:40:52+00:00

Its not a spark it’s a flame, and the spark doesn’t always happen instantly either. I think a lot of guys here believe if she’s not offering you anal donkey sex straight away, she doesn’t find you attractive, which is just not how life and dating works.

Yeah you can think someone’s good-looking but that’s not the same as desire. For women in particular it’s takes being around the guy to see if a spark starts or not.

Once feelings are established then yeah it’s true desire and it lasts, that’s why so many women stay with shitty guys. There’s a phase I think makes a lot of sense for people,

“Men fall first, but women fall harder.”

Terrible_Lift · 2026-01-15T16:42:43+00:00

I would never be a second option. But I also know I’m confident enough to project that.

The bottom line comes down to confidence. Why do you feel like you’re someone’s second choice? What insecurities are eating at you?

For me, I’m always more concerned about keeping up with my self improvement to maintain the spark and relationship. Finding someone to initially desire me is easy. But all successful partnerships take work over time to maintain that spark and it goes far deeper than “I still want to be able to fuck this person”

Disastrous_Agent9307 · 2026-01-15T16:53:02+00:00

I think they confuse second option with moving from not having been an option to being one.

Slow burn as a concept is usually attached to say your brother's best friend, your childhood best friend, the girl/boy next door who you never really saw that way because you were children together, maybe the coworker who was dating someone else (think Jim & Pam who initially are in denial of their feelings and desires), it's not about being the second choice, it's the other person having been blind to their own emotions or feeling like they cannot go there for some reason.

Jetpine9 · 2026-01-15T16:56:45+00:00

I think it depends on how slow the burn is. I believe it's true that sometimes people aren't attracted to others right away, but can become attracted once they get to know them. But how long should that process take?

It's not really being someone's "second option", it's more like you aren't obviously their fantasy at first glance, but you can fit the role once they've seen your screentest.

KayRay1994 · 2026-01-15T17:21:11+00:00

I mean… a slow burn is still genuine desire. I don’t think it not being instantaneous stops it from being genuine

tHiShiTiStooPID · 2026-01-15T17:39:27+00:00

Knowing that the person you’re crazy about has, in their eyes, settled for you, would be very destructive to your self-image. The more dominant or confident a man is the less likely he would be able to tolerate that kind of thing. Honestly, no matter how good of an actress someone is a person can tell the difference between genuine desire and erotic theater. If you believe you have settled for someone, in all likelihood, they already know that’s how you feel, and if you see signs of resentment it’s probably related to this. Any way you slice it the person you end up with may not represent your idea of perfect. If you actually want to have a happy life you’d do well to learn to stop comparing people and have a realistic idea of whether you have any business expecting someone who fits your idea of perfect.

HTML_Novice · 2026-01-15T16:13:26+00:00

Burning desire is real, you’ll feel it when you meet it. You won’t be wondering if she wants you, her hands won’t leave your body the entire night.

If she says “I need to know you more before I get excited like that” it’s nonsense, she’s not into you

Lysa_Bell · 2026-01-15T16:48:49+00:00

Are you talking about genuine desire or sexual lust?

Because I think a lot of men are confusing physical lust with genuine desire.

AutoModerator · 2026-01-15T16:08:30+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "Debate" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

AutoModerator · 2026-01-15T16:08:30+00:00

Hi OP,

You've chosen to identify your thread as a Debate. As such you are expected to actively engage in your own thread with a mind open to being changed. PPD has guidelines for what that involves.

OPs author must genuinely hold the position and you must be open to having your view challenged.

An unwillingness to debate in good faith may be inferred from one or several of the following:

Ignoring the main point of a comment, especially to point out some minor inconsistency;

Refusing to make concessions that an alternate view has merit;

Focusing only on the weaker arguments;

Only having discussions with users who agree with your position.

Failure to keep to this higher standard (we only apply to Debate OPs) may result in deletion of the whole thread.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Tylikcat · 2026-01-15T16:58:30+00:00

Why does this come up again and again? Or rather, why are so many of you worried about not being someone's first choice? In my actual real life, I don't see many people "settling" when they settle down. And while I see a lot of guys apparently wanting women to have a guy's version of lust... if you talk to marital counselors, couples are as likely to have the man never wanting to have sex as the woman.

I feel like the particular stories pedaled by the red pill (the whole 80% of women fucking 20% of men, which is not supported by reality at all) play into some really deep insecurities that had to already be there. It's as if most of you are so convinced you're undesirable that you're obsessed with the idea that some woman will be with you (why?) while not really wanting you.

InterestingGoose5507 · 2026-01-15T17:23:23+00:00

Well let’s be honest, most guys aren’t getting their first choice either! She needs to be very attracted to you with genuine burning desire for a LTR! Otherwise she’s using/defrauding you

bluestjuice · 2026-01-15T17:36:46+00:00

You're describing a slow burn here as being the same as being someone's second option, and I don't see it that way.

Being a second option would suck. Nobody wants to be settled for.

I think of a slow burn as someone that you weren't initially super attracted to, but the attraction snuck up on you and by the time you're acting on it, you're incredibly into them. They're not your second choice (slow burn doesn't really necessitate anyone else ever being in the picture at all), you just didn't know you wanted them until some point after the point where you met them. This happens all the time and is very hot, in my opinion.

Title	Slow burn vs genuine desire
Author	DriverInitial8305
Upvotes	10
Comments	145
Date	January 15, 2026 4:08 PM UTC (7 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1qdnm25/slow_burn_vs_genuine_desire/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/slow-burn-vs-genuine-desire.1571197 https://theredarchive.com/post/1571197

Comments