Q4w how do you avoid being pumped and dumped?

LSTW1234 · 2018-11-12T18:57:21+00:00

There’s no surefire way, but your best bet is to hold off on sex until he gives you signs he wants you for more than sex. Most guys who are only looking for sex will quickly move on.

goatismycopilot · 2018-11-12T19:47:26+00:00

Just don't date anybody here and you're fine.

Young_Oryx · 2018-11-12T21:10:53+00:00

Luck, pure and simple.

goatismycopilot · 2018-11-12T18:39:19+00:00

Is this a set up so sado can offer 20 paragraph replies while blinking at himself in the mirror?

philomexa · 2018-11-12T18:36:57+00:00

don't sleep around, avoid fuckboys; easy peasy.

chloapsoap · 2018-11-12T20:26:51+00:00

Prolonging sex worked best for me. If a guy can go on a few dates with me without either getting visibly pissed off or trying to pressure me into sex, then I’m pretty confident he’s not being a snake.

Guys that are just trying to get laid generally have a very short fuse

wigglyshark · 2018-11-12T22:03:26+00:00

Here's how I did it, but I snagged my husband young and all of these steps were followed in high school:

No sex without commitment. My reputation of being a prude already did most of the work of screening out the guys who just wanted to dump a fuck into me.
Met a traditional-ish virgin guy that I was attracted to and went on two dates before we became exclusive. He didn't have many options at the time (high school girls are stupid and brutal and he was far from the popular type) but I had a suspicion that he was going to come into himself after high school (and I was right). We spent our second date sort of interviewing each other about our ideas on relationships and long term commitment.
No PIV intercourse immediately but lots of other pleasurable activities that definitely built up the pair-bonding and tension.
PIV after 5 months and after discussions were already being had about living together and marriage. Now we're married.

Ta-da! Now, lots of pumping in it for me without the dumping.

sublimemongrel · 2018-11-12T19:05:09+00:00

Don’t sleep with a man until you’ve gotten enough reasonable indications he wants to be with you (assuming you want more too). Of course it’s not fool proof but nothing romantically speaking is.

question49462 · 2018-11-12T21:10:23+00:00

Be a high value woman. Not only will dudes not wanna leave you; they’ll fight each other for your attention. Characteristics of a high quality woman:

Effort: if your face looks like ballsack because you spent 16-24 tanning and never moisturize at night, dudes won’t want you. Botox is your friend: it makes 30 the new 20. You need to put some time into making sure your foundation matches your skin tone and picking clothing / hair styles that looks flattering on you or you can expect to get the dude that puts in your level of effort while Mr. Right nexts you.
Fitness: Not being an absolute hog by 35 puts you above 4/5 of your peers. Stay slim. You’re above your goal weight? Eat only salad, no dressing, until you hit that goal. Have some will power and develop sustainable routines that keep you strong and flexible.
Self development: What do you have when you’ve got no youth to give? Get a good therapist so your dudes aren’t always listening to you bitch. Hone your cleverness and wit. Have skills, whatever’s unique to you- don’t waste time watching shitty television unless you’re reading subtitles in a new language you’re learning.

I’ve never been broken up with and it’s all because of patterns that are easy to pick up.

flamingoinghome · 2018-11-12T18:59:52+00:00

Well, how are we defining "getting pumped and dumped"? Dating a guy in a leading-to-an-exclusive-relationship kind of way and then he scrams once you've had sex? Because that's, uh, never actually happened to me.

Having casual sex, or a FWB? I, uh, don't avoid those so much as indulge in them selectively and explicitly.

Dating a guy for a few months or so, having sex for some/all of this time, and then he breaks up with you for whatever reason? That's just dating. It isn't fun to get broken up with, but it happens.

Texastentialism · 2018-11-12T19:52:01+00:00

Get to know a guy socially first. Develop a flirty rapport with him that escalates over time while you gauge his interest. Only sleep with him once you're reasonably sure he wants more than just sex.

Just so I'm clear, what I'm picturing when I say this is a guy you run into from time to time at social gatherings. A friend of a friend or something along those lines. And when you run into him, you flirt, you talk to him, you talk to your friends who know him and try to get the lowdown on his relationship history. What I do NOT mean is "Let him orbit you and buy you presents and pay your cell phone bill for six months before rewarding him with your pussy." Just get to know him casually and over time with an undercurrent of sexual tension. Eventually he will make a move at which point you can decide based on your previous info-gathering whether he's a good bet or not. This is a weeks-long process, not a months- or years-long process.

Also, with guys I was interested in a relationship with, I always tried to establish myself as "cute" rather than "hot" or "sexy" (hot and sexy doesn't come naturally to me anyway, so this wasn't hard). I think being "cute" rather than "hot" sort of triggers a protective instinct in men and puts you in the girlfriend-material category in their head.

Important caveat with this method. If the guy is attractive and social, there's a good chance he's sleeping with or talking to other girls while you're getting to know him. You have to be okay with that. There's also a chance that while you're dragging things out, he might meet someone he likes more and enter a relationship with them instead. That happened to me a number of times and it can suck just as much as getting pumped and dumped. But as others have mentioned, there's no way to avoid pain and heartbreak. It's part of the process and it happens to (almost) everyone at some point.

SpaceWhiskey · 2018-11-12T22:04:01+00:00

Be as open and communicative as possible. Don’t expect commitment from a stranger. Avoid “player” types.

DXBrigade · 2018-11-12T18:30:37+00:00

I Avoid douchebags.

321PK · 2018-11-12T19:52:04+00:00

Don’t be dumb and believe what your eyes and ears, and other people, are telling you. Don’t smash randoms.

[deleted] · 2018-11-12T18:28:44+00:00

Well, I've dated quite a bit and I've never actually been pumped and dumped. I don't think it's as common as many people believe. I've been broken up with, but never ghosted or dumped right after sex.

You can't completely avoid avoid pain and shitty behavior when dating, though. It's part of the process. I don't control other people, I only control my reactions to them. If I experience unwanted behaviors when dating, I either directly address it or move on to the next one. I don't get hung up on the little things.

edit: still getting used to my new phone and making a lot of typos

petrichordium · 2018-11-12T18:51:02+00:00

Copypasted from a woman’s response (as always, Dear Coquette for me)

“Whenever I hear a girl complain of being used by a guy, I instantly lose respect for her. It’s evidence of a victim mentality, one of the most unattractive traits anyone can have.

“He never really liked me,” she’ll whine. “He never really wanted to be with me. All he really wanted me for was sex.”

That kind of shit drives me crazy.

What she’s actually saying is that she entered into an unspoken contract where she would provide him with access to her vagina in exchange for some combination of affectionate attention and emotional security. He then failed to deliver on that unspoken contract, and now she’s pissed.

All I hear is a prostitute complaining that she didn’t get paid, and you know what? Tough shit. If you’re going to be a prostitute, the first rule is always get the money up front.

That’s what this all comes down to, really — girls who don’t know any better because they’re raised to think that sex is a barter currency in their romantic relationships.

Fuck that. If you insist on treating your pussy like a commodity, then you’re an idiot if you trade it for anything but cash.

It’s your body, and it’s your relationship. Do what you want with both, but be adult enough to accept personal responsibility for the decisions you make.

An unspoken contract is no contract at all. A man doesn’t owe you anything for sleeping with you. If he does, accept your role as a prostitute, and recognize that you’re kind of an idiot for expecting payment in affectionate attention and emotional security.

Now, here’s the part that always blows my mind. Some of you reading this right now are saying to yourselves, “I’m no prostitute, but how am I supposed to get affectionate attention and emotional security from a guy without fucking him?”

If that’s you, go sit in the corner. You don’t get to play anymore.

The rest of you probably get my point, even if you think it’s a bit unsavory. It boils down to this: if you don’t want to get used for sex, get the money up front, or don’t expect payment at all.

All I’m saying is that sex shouldn’t be treated like a commodity in traditional romantic relationships. Once you’ve internalized this notion and really put it into practice, then you’ll find it impossible for a man to use you for sex.

He can lie to you. He can deceive you. He can be a total douchebag asshole, but he can never use you.”

http://dearcoquette.com/on-how-not-to-get-used/

Civil_Seaworthiness · 2018-11-12T20:53:32+00:00

I don't have sex with people who don't like me.

LifterofThings · 2018-11-12T21:45:59+00:00

I was naturally pretty suspicious of men I thought were way out of my league. It took my current bf awhile to warm me up because I didn't think there was any possible way a man that good looking could actually be into me.

Sometimes the strat worked, sometimes it didn't. After the initial few stings of being rejected by someone with whom I thought I had good chemistry, I just kinda came to accept it as the price of admission to the game.

unicorns- · 2018-11-13T02:03:42+00:00

My strategy has always been never having sex outside of a relationship.

I've only been with one man, my husband (we did it before we were married though).

ratsparadedarapstar · 2018-11-13T04:55:59+00:00

I don’t do ONS. I don’t sleep with random strange men. Or random men of any kind. It’s not difficult or mysterious. Build trust first and know the human. And know yourself.

whichbladeN · 2018-11-13T05:47:38+00:00

I only date one man and then I die.

slavicgypsygirl · 2018-11-15T09:45:21+00:00

I have the opposite problem of attracting super possessive people when I only like dating non exclusively

darudeboysandstorm · 2018-11-12T18:45:37+00:00

I would avoid penny stocks and any trading advice posted on twitter. Wait a second this isnt r/investing.....

Littleknownfacts · 2018-11-12T19:06:38+00:00

This comment is now automod.

TheChemist158 · 2018-11-13T05:22:45+00:00

You know, I've never had to worry about it.

Willow-girl · 2018-11-13T13:56:49+00:00

Don't worry about avoiding it; just don't go into sex expecting anything more than sex and you'll never be disappointed (unless the sex sucks). Incidentally, women sometimes "pump and dump" guys, too, if they're lousy in the sack.

It's been my experience that very few men are 'players' and you can usually spot them from a mile away. Most men will want a relationship if all the bits and pieces fit together in a pleasing way.

agloelita · 2018-11-14T09:52:52+00:00

Time. Lots and lots and lots of time and effort. I wait a lot of time until he realizes that the amount of time and effort invested doesn't justify pumping and dumping me when he can go for someone else or buy it.

deadsandsushi2 · 2018-11-14T01:13:45+00:00

If I'm not exclusive with him, I'm not dumped.

In any case, abundance mentality. No man is as important as I am, so I won't cry over spilled milk.

Title	Q4w how do you avoid being pumped and dumped?
Author	sadomasochrist
Upvotes	8
Comments	264
Date	November 12, 2018 6:25 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/9wgjlo/q4w_how_do_you_avoid_being_pumped_and_dumped/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4w-how-do-you-avoid-being-pumped-and-dumped.259084 https://theredarchive.com/post/259084

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