American dating style?

curlygirl507 · 2020-08-03T11:32:08+00:00

Agree... Can barely find one guy worth dating.

throwaway23004345 · 2020-08-03T11:06:14+00:00

I see the reasoning behind it because you don’t want to put all your eggs in one basket until there is a commitment. But you’re right that I can’t find 3 guys I find remotely interesting or worth going on dates. Men don’t even court women anymore

Cookie_Duchess · 2020-08-03T14:10:02+00:00

I'll probably get downvoted for saying this, but there are a couple things I disagree with from the handbook/FDS philosophy and this is the main one. I don't think it's wise or healthy to spread your time and energy out in this manner- giving it to men who are most likely not HVM. I think it makes more sense to have tons of hobbies and other things going on so that you don't focus too much on a guy, but dating tons of others really doesn't seem necessary or wise. You're opening yourself up to a lot of dangers (both mental and physical) by exposing yourself to a ton of men, even in public settings. I've been one of those women who dates multiple men at a time and after a while, once you take a break from it, you start to notice that there are negative mental effects. Like for (an extreme) example, I went out with someone for brunch who took me on a small shopping spree afterward then as he was walking me to my car, he made a rude comment about my weight and the size of my thighs (something like "do more squats to fix that"). It was a huge mental WTF moment for me since up until the last 3 minutes of the date I had been having the best time I've probably ever had with a guy from OLD. Basically went from an extreme high to an extreme low (I've struggled in the past with my weight) in a very short amount of time which had a little ripple effect on other areas of my life for about a week or so until I got over it.

Generally FDS gives GREAT advice. Like THE best advice ever for women, but I don't expect it to always be perfectly applicable to my life. I also find that it tends to lean towards a certain demographic of women which I do not fit into so I have to take some things with a grain of salt, but compared to any other dating advice forum for women on the internet, this one is it.

ErikaNaumann · 2020-08-03T12:06:59+00:00

Yeah, I also can't do it. It seems that kind of dating only works in big cities where you might find more than one guy to date.

Where I live I will be lucky to find even one guy to go out on a date with, much less 2 or 3 😂

wolf_town · 2020-08-03T13:01:43+00:00

I personally am not able to date multiple men at a time, I have other interests that preoccupy most of my free time anyway. It’s a good method to prevent premature attachment, but I don’t like having to talk to multiple men. If you can go on dates with one man and maintain some aloofness, it’s fine. But if you find yourself idealizing the guy before you really know him, it’s probably best you see another guy as well, just to maintain some perspective.

powerline2500 · 2020-08-03T13:26:51+00:00

Isnt it about attachment? You should date around IF you get easily attached to people. Ive been in a love affair with myself for years now, so I always have someone else on the side.

For me personally, I wouldnt. Not because I dont think its smart (it makes sense) but because Im too busy with hobbies and relaxing to be out multiple times a week with men when I know the majority will just waste my time.

Also Im not easily attached to people either. And I feel like Im constantly scanning and collecting infomation on all people. So worse case scenario is I will stop seeing someone all together.

But if there is an option to see two men that are exactly your standard, why not date both and figure out which one is better. 🤷‍♀️

peanutbuttatwix · 2020-08-03T11:08:45+00:00

I agree it's hard when it feels like a waste of time and 99 percent of the men just want to sleep with you.

maraslove · 2020-08-03T13:39:25+00:00

I personally dislike it because I have gotten pickier (which is good) and it’s not easy to find multiple guys that fit what I want. However, I have to deal with it because this strategy helps with not being attached to the wrong person. If I’m only talking to Ryan and all of a sudden he becomes distant (or rude, manipulative, gaslighting, etc), I’ll be stressing out about it. But if I’m talking to Ryan, Bobby, and Adam... I won’t even notice nor care about what Ryan is doing (and if I do notice, it’ll be incredibly easy to instantly block him). If Ryan is all you know, you may become blinded and think he’s the one even though he’s definitely not. So it’s always good to at least have a Bobby or Adam around.

Hahane · 2020-08-03T12:11:42+00:00

That's what I was thinking about lately. I'm from Central Europe (culturally similiar to Eastern Europe). It's not really common to have many dates, basically dating around. I don't know anyone who's been casually dating. Usually they just meet the guy and stick with him until they get married or break up after few years. I'm 100% sure that if I'd date multiple guys at the same time, other people would consider that slutty, even HVM, because that's the way how this culture works, unfortunatelly. Anyone with the strict cultural background? How do you deal with it?

ThrowRabigdumbdumb · 2020-08-03T13:10:11+00:00

I live in the U.S. I can't do the multiple people thing. I've done it before not really conciously, i just wasn't that into any of the guys. I am older now and feel like I'm being disloyal if I do. It's not my thing.

I think the main point is to not get attached immediately, and I can see the value in that. But there are other ways to practice detachment if dating more than 1 person isn't your thing.

socalqueenofcheese · 2020-08-03T13:12:19+00:00

Doesn't necessarily have to be "dating"....Just conversations with other men, even swiping. I've found if I do this it helps me to not think so much on the man I'm dating and vetting. Makes me feel more confident.

plummyjellyfish · 2020-08-03T15:44:26+00:00

Disclaimer: only had one man, engaged to said man. So I can admit I'm not a dating expert. I focused on self-improvement and through hobbies and work was able to find male friendship and then love via that trusty pathway. However, I do tend to agree that dating multiple people at once seems like a real chore, effort could be spent elsewhere. I'm a private person so if I ever had to date I would probably just become celibate tbh lol.

I read an article once (from a reputable science magazine, but can't remember the name - however there are lots of articles which cover this topic) which said that online dating is like gambling. You might like one person's profile and even have a good date with them, but the apps always give you the promise of finding that 'bigger, better, deal'.

I'm by no means suggesting you should ever settle or trade down, but like it or not there are psychological effects to these apps. I'm a UX designer and I know the tricks apps use to keep people engaged and in the loop, and more than that, what OLD gives you is choice overload. In my country it is quite uncommon to date multiple people at once and personally if I found out that someone I was seeing was also entertaining other 'options' I would immediately quit the relationship.

So i guess my conclusion would be that instead of women entertaining multiple suitors (which could damage them mentally...emotionally...even physically), I personally think the better strategy is to use all your energy into being an amazing person, create quality friendship circles and then typically romantic entanglements tend to form quite organically from that, at least from what I have seen and experienced in my life.

eveninghope · 2020-08-03T13:35:43+00:00

The idea is to not focus all of your energy on one man. Americans do like to "date" which is not common in other cultures. I think the problem is that, at least in my experiences, American men (and Aussies for that matter) are just culturally players more so than in any other country I've lived/worked/studied in.

Maybe my read on this is off so let me know if you disagree - but I've spent a lot of time in a lot of countries and it seems to me that in most places, men are more content with LTRs, but for whatever reason, American men have this inherent desire to hook up with as many women as possible. So it's important for American women to remember to not focus our energy on them since they're not doing so for us.

Allaboutb1 · 2020-08-03T13:05:17+00:00

So.. I don’t think it’s American specifically, it seems to be a unique feature of the FDS method. I don’t think you’re supposed to tell people you’re dating multiple guys since yes indeed they might be inclined to judge that! I think that’s supposed to be kept on the DL.

It just occurred to me that that the best way to get multiple pursuers (which I’ve never had before) would be to just swipe right on every Male and just let them weed themselves out with FDS rules from there. I’m usually far more picky and swipe left 90% of the time.

__kamikaze__ · 2020-08-03T14:48:32+00:00

”I’m very picky on looks so finding a guy i really like, is once in a 3-4 year happening”

I also have this problem. It’s the reason why I’m perpetually single because the guy I find always ends up being taken.

AfraidofFollowers · 2020-08-03T14:38:50+00:00

I can’t keep all their stories straight. It’s too much on my mind. I try to talk to a couple guys at a time, vet them and weed them out quickly.

If I’m only talking to one guy, I’ll still be open to talking to a couple more. 3 conversations at one time is my limit though.

I’m not dating three guys, I’m talking to three. This helps not getting hung up too much on one. I do not date with my heart on my sleeve because of this method.

stillcantsee · 2020-08-03T16:28:54+00:00

I don’t date multiple men at once and certainly not in a pandemic. Just don’t be a thirsty dummy getting too attached 🥱 keep them at a distance and keep your own life going before you call him your boyfriend!

BeADecentHumanBeing · 2020-08-03T10:47:30+00:00

I wouldn’t call that American style dating, it’s just being practical. When you look for jobs, you don’t just apply for one single one- you apply to many with the criteria that you want. This increases the odds in favour of you finding the right fit. Luck is simply a matter of proper preparation. The same applies to dating.

h_witko · 2020-08-03T17:05:55+00:00

I think it's more like don't limit yourself. Like if you're dating someone and meet someone new, you have no commitment to the first unless there's commitment from them and you feel they're HV?

I struggle to find anyone worth dating, so it's not really something I need to consider!

potato5601 · 2020-08-03T18:52:50+00:00

Agreed. I’m from South America, and dating over there is sooo different. Basically guys will only ask you out if they’re interested in something serious, and they’ll invite you to get togethers with friends etc before serious dates, as there is a whole social aspect to dating over there that’s different than in the US. Also, like FDS suggests, you definitely do not have sex until it becomes somewhat serious. The only difference with FDS is that dating multiple men (or women if you’re a man) is a huge no-no. In fact it’s nearly considered cheating. I guess it has to do with the culture being more family-oriented, and that the pressure of marriage is stronger than in the US. When I first moved to the States I went full “American” dating style but I realized it definitely doesn’t work for me, so now I’m sticking to a mix between FDS and my home country’s norms.✌️

TheFeministFox · 2020-08-03T12:01:43+00:00

I don't have much to contribute, but I do wanna say that, as somebody not from NA, I was surprised about that as well.

ladyyyeva · 2020-08-03T13:29:35+00:00

I recently set up an online dating profile and specified in it that I'm single until I'm married, and that basically if they want me to be exclusive with them, they've got to either propose to me or otherwise prove to me that they're interested in the long haul. I swipe right on everyone and let them weed themselves out as we talk.

PsychologicalBeat2 · 2020-08-03T15:48:59+00:00

I'm not American either and the most I've dated was 2 guys at once. It's about your mindset, rather your actions. I don't have the time to date more men at the same time and tbh, men in my area are thrash so it's hard to find semi-decent ones to begin with.

But dating multiple men at once will prevent you from getting emotionally attached too soon.

If you can't or won't do this, then you have to take active steps to minimize your risk of premature attachment. Hobbies, work, friends, whatever, just make sure that you're not obsessed after like 2 dates.

raiu86 · 2020-08-03T18:36:37+00:00

Back in my single days I never "dated" multiple men because so few men met my standards to accept a second date, but I did go on first dates with other men after my first date with my now husband. I think it was about 2-3mo before I quit "shopping around" on him, but if I recall (together 11yrs) it was only 1 or 2 first dates in that time. Picky picky 💅

That is to say, the goal shouldn't be to date multiple men just for the sake of it, but that your options are open until they are not, and don't let a guy you are just getting to know monopolize your time.

IDontExist4u · 2020-08-03T18:02:32+00:00

I used to be able to get a date every night of the week. Either ive gotten better at vetting, (I also put in much less effort because it has gotten tiring after YEARS of dating) or im less desirable, but now I'm lucky to find a guy a month I'd like to go on a date with. Regardless, dating multiple men is something im open to, but unfortunately I dont have the time or want to put in the effort. Dating as a single parent that commutes can take a lot of time and be a waste of a whole night if you don't have a great match (which is most of the time). I do understand the theory behind it and agree that I am less likely to become attached to a man if im dating others, its just not feasible for all.

Fitncurly · 2020-08-03T20:39:19+00:00

This actually a VERY old-fashioned way to date—I’m talking going back all the way to tribes and dowries. Many men would court the lady, and only one was chosen. Usually it was the one who proved himself to both the woman and her family (read: father) as best qualified as a husband and father type (protector and provider). Men are everywhere and they are very thirsty, how are you NOT finding them? The key here is MOST aren’t worth dating in the first place, so we have strategies to weed out the worst. If looks is a big standard (same, I understand), don’t settle, just be prepared to go without (which is the opposite of a bad thing—subpar men only bring a woman problems) until you find the guy who meets your standards. You’re better off doing you and living your best life alone than settling for a subpar (for your standards) man.

SmoothDaikon · 2020-08-03T22:50:16+00:00

I wasn't like this at first. I'd date one guy at a time. But I kept getting played and played and...played. My fault for being loyal i guess. so screw that. I'm dating 5 guys at a time and there's nothing none of them can do about it.

peanutbuttatwix · 2020-08-03T12:07:32+00:00

I see that it works for online dating. It's safe. In real life, dating multiple people at once might make me worry about retaliation/jealousy from a LVM. I have a genuine fear of physical aggression, even in the open. Not sure how I should square with this. Also, to be fair, not every woman has a long line of suitors waiting to take her out friday/saturday night.

**edit:

I think the easiest way to let a gut know "he's not your only hope" is simply to walk away/block/delete. Why do we need to be dating anyone else? Being alone is fine for me personally.

onemoredaydream · 2020-08-03T14:32:40+00:00

I dont date multiple people at once. It makes me anxious. Like I am hiding something.

To be fair, I havent been dating in a while.

It makes me feel very slimy - especially if me and the person are beginning to develop attachment. And if there is any sort of physical intimacy, it makes me feel even grosser.

However I do think that the FDS recommendations of not settling down too soon on the first man who comes along, is very good advice. I know FDS does not recommend being physically intimate with uncommitted people, so it's not a contradiction.

PomegranatePrincess8 · 2020-08-04T02:14:39+00:00

Dating multiple men is more beneficial for a multitude of reasons. As far as “finding them”...

Going out, Having Hobbies, attending events, and overall just living your life makes finding men very easy. Even if you choose to only date one man at a time. (Which seems more time consuming in the end and if we’re being honest he’s probably dating multiple women while dating you so I don’t really see how that’s in your best interest. ) Men are an abundant resource. The second you réalisé you’re the prize, they flock to you. You don’t even have to work hard for it. Go out, focus on you, have fun, live your life and they will come.

With that being said, why anyone is trying to date in pandemic is beyond me? Like men aren’t all that important for y’all to be risking yall lives for a date.

I’m very concerned for all my fellow Ladies who are trying to date in this whole ass pandemic. Ive only been here for a month and I love FDS. I’m learning how to boost my self worth for ME. And then after the WORLD WIDE KILLER PANDEMIC is over if I should choose to date I’ll be ready. Ladies, the second you stop centering your whole life around men. They flock to you.

I digress, dating multiple men at once is actually in the best interest of the woman emotionally, financially, and safety wise. The handbook explains is PERFECTLY. 💕

Half_Halt · 2020-08-04T02:35:57+00:00

Multidating has always been the norm.( Multidating, not sleeping with multiple people.) At least in my culture it is. My parents meet in the '60's. My mom was dating a couple other men at the time. My grandmother was doing the same in the '30's. It was also the norm for the middle & upper classes pre-20th century based on what I've read. Women had suitors who competed with each other for her favor. Time was of the essence back then. No self-respecting woman took herself off the market for some dude who wasn't even in the checkout lane.

comet2004 · 2020-08-03T13:38:59+00:00

I don't do it maybe for the 1st date only with online dating where all you are doing is meeting to vet but after that I choose 1.

jayda92 · 2020-08-03T12:53:34+00:00

I'm from the Netherlands, it's very looked down upon to date multiple people here, as a woman. When men do it it's considered less evil, though 🤪

Guys here have audacity that can't be described through text. Slut shaming is a huge thing, the country is full with 'sexually liberated modern feminists' (aka Pickmeisha heaven). Men can have almost anything when they future fake a girl; LTR (never getting married/marry late) is the norm over here and you're almost shamed for getting married.

Keeping a scrotation kept me on my guard and gave me the opportunity to vet more thoroughly. I had to stand a lot of scrutiny for it though; a lot of people called me a major slut (when I didn't even hold hands or kissed them 🤣).

Title	American dating style?
Author	redfarmmmmm
Upvotes	81
Comments	73
Date	August 3, 2020 10:14 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/i2uhl7/american_dating_style/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/american-dating-style.720299 https://theredarchive.com/post/720299

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