On dating married men

TENTITS · 2022-01-18T03:22:26+00:00

It's also worth mentioning that a married man will make you believe that you're the outlier, you're the exception to the ol' "he's never going to leave his wife" because you're so special, and it makes you feel all pickme accomplished.

You're not special. Whatever criteria makes you "special" is the same criteria that hits the tender spots of whatever trauma made you fall for a married man in the first place.

And if in fact you are that special, your special gifts are not worth a married scrote.

pozerdm · 2022-01-18T03:27:25+00:00

While I was def used by my ex and we were not married, we were in a long term committed relationship for 5 years. And living together for most of that time.

He did leave me, and I was honestly relieved ‘cause I felt too much (misplaced) pity for him to be the one to break it off…

After we broke up, two weeks later the other woman (whom I didn’t really know about) paid for his flight to go see her. She tried to get him to meet her parents.

I guess after 3.5 years this was her chance. Well. I was no longer in the picture and he still flat out refused. That’s when she called and told me everything.

I have my own shit to work through, but I had a defined relationship there. She apparently is having a rougher time of it because she didn’t really have anything with him. She’s mourning the loss of a relationship that never was.

Kimpractical · 2022-01-18T03:55:05+00:00

Straight up, married men are the biggest hoes. I’d say over the past several years I got hit on the most by married men than single men. And I don’t even know why, but I’ve had several exes try to hit me up again immediately AFTER getting into a new relationship/engagement/ marriage. Same with guys I’ve never even really dated or hooked up with. It’s like as soon as they get into a commitment, the hoe switch turns on. It honestly makes me just want to stay single

truththrowaway10 · 2022-01-18T03:32:31+00:00

Ah yes. “The Script.” My ex husband who never even went to the bathroom by himself decided he wanted to be alone. It all sounded odd since it was so unlike him. This man was the embodiment of mid life crisis. He moved to college housing. He convinced his colligate gf when he moved out that he had been abused. She talked about how he was her rescue. He lamented how he regretted having been married and having 4 kids. Until, he met his current wife #4 who got pregnant at 47 with twins. Oops. That darn karma.

Don’t believe these lies these men say. And yes, we know, his wife doesn’t understand him like his side pieces do. :-)

Eli1984 · 2022-01-18T06:41:32+00:00

Never date a married man out of respect for his wife. Simple as that, she doesn't deserve to be treated like that. We need to look out for each other even if we can't tell her we did.

millennialpink2000 · 2022-01-18T04:01:02+00:00

If he does it with you, he'll do it to you

CaliPenelope1968 · 2022-01-18T03:29:02+00:00

X left for the OW. I asked why he would cheat and leave me for an older woman. He proudly declared, "The next one'll be younger wink!"

UnobtainableNymph · 2022-01-18T03:20:40+00:00

I fell for that when I was 25 and he was around 32. 🚩 On our first date he admitted he was married but said they were getting a divorce. Silly me at the time figured since he was “so up front and honest about it” he must be telling the truth.

Fast forward nearly 2 years. He’s still not divorced and cheats on me with another woman. Do not believe these men.

fdsonlynoscrubs · 2022-01-18T09:22:31+00:00

Totally agree. Aaaaaand another thing, I don’t recommend dating them until they’re at lease 6 months, preferably a year, post actual finalized divorce. There’s a lot of shit going on right at the end and no reason getting mixed up with anyone still in the thick of it or still angry over it.

rainbowhelix · 2022-01-18T09:38:22+00:00

Also, if you find yourself enamored with a married man, ask yourself whether you could be suffering from undiagnosed mental health issues. Back in my early twenties, I was 100% convinced by my untreated borderline personality disorder that this married man in his early thirties was my star-crossed lover and we were meant to be together. Meanwhile, his wife was pregnant. Luckily, I escaped that situation but it was a total waste of my time and energy and could have ended in heartbreak if she had found out. In retrospect, of course I realize that he was a narcissist and there was literally nothing real between us. It was all an obsession based on ego. I look at his pictures and he is gross to me. But, anyway, if you're obsessed with a married man, please at least try therapy. Look out for yourself. These cheating married men will try to take advantage of you if they can. And you can put yourself in real physical danger by being the Other Woman (see Dateline).

Equal-Ear2312 · 2022-01-18T10:38:46+00:00

there comes a time when we as women realize that sex and the lusty looks from men, married or not is not a freaking compliment.

sleeping with a married man is not a flex. 'stealing' a man from another woman is not a flex. this is not middle school politics... geee...

if women did the vetting as the handbook and the numerous articles here advise, then there would be no more concern about " when is he going to leave his wife and move in with me uwu?"

by the handbook's standards, you shouldn't even give the time of day to unavailable men, emotionally or otherwise. I understand that vetting for emotional unavailability takes more effort because no man is going to choose to lie to you about their status unless they are jerks. but vetting if he has a wife, kids or a secret family is mandatory. get your spidey senses on and do the job. don't let your life get caught in their lies!

EarthKveik · 2022-01-18T09:32:33+00:00

You could also add that there's no way he "doesn't know what he wants"- he knows exactly what he wants- some naïve young woman to fuck him for free.

asianinindia · 2022-01-18T04:30:35+00:00

A lesson I learned the hard way.

kinkardine · 2022-01-18T13:37:33+00:00

Yeah had a little victory over the past week, a senior technologist over extended himself to fix an issue with my work laptop, I hesitated but said yes because if my work laptop suddenly gives up I cannot work. After fixing laptop he asked a few personal questions and when he got to know I am solo he started hinting to spend more time together as ‘friends’. I felt just so happy that the first thing came to my mind is ‘oh my patriarchal entitlement, if you are not serving my bros then thou must serve me, no it does not matter if I am married, I always need more!’, I smiled and asked are you married? And he said ‘yes but we have lots of problem between us’,, to which I said ‘I do not have low self esteem’ and gracefully ended the conversation 🙄 thank you FDS!

Sea_Spread_9575 · 2022-01-18T03:52:09+00:00

I believe the same goes for men that have just recently separated.

I hate the narrative of “oh it was over for years etc etc”. Well you were still sleeping in the same bed and going on vacations and doing holidays together. So no it actually wasn’t over. It’s funny how men will rewrite the past to suit them so that they don’t have to move on from a relationship in a healthy way. They make excuses to use a new woman as a receptacle for their pain.

fireforestfairy · 2022-01-18T11:28:24+00:00

Seriously why "date" a married guy? It's so fishy.

pinkfleurhappiness · 2022-01-18T12:43:01+00:00

Or at least think of the kids. I am an affair baby. Do you really think either of my grandparents were as eager to introduce me considering both my bio parents had families?

samanthamolina · 2022-01-18T06:12:28+00:00

If you have never been married and do not have kids, there is no reason for you to consider dating a man that is already married and with kids. There are plenty of single men. Why even bother with these married men?

blehblahbloopboop · 2022-01-18T06:30:55+00:00

In the case of two low value people Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes, they do sometimes leave their wives. But do you really want a cheater to be your husband? If you take him, it’s just karma’s way of saying it’s your turn.

Interaction_Anxious · 2022-01-18T11:55:54+00:00

My sister used to dad a “separated” man. It was all fun and games until his wife and kids found out. And then it got really awkward. His wife posted a photo on social media of him where a shirt admitted he cheated

PrettiKinx · 2022-01-18T05:04:27+00:00

Not just married men. But any attached men. How you get them is how you lose them. If he cheated with you. He'll cheat on you.

Unlikely-Marzipan · 2022-01-18T14:38:55+00:00

I don’t care what people say, I honestly think that any serial cheat is a narcissist. I know cheating doesn’t define narcissism, but if you get to an age where you know right from wrong and your prefrontal cortex is fully developed, yet you’re able to cheat - you’re a narc. It takes too many of the selfish and self absorbed character traits to continuously cheat on someone.

I would make exceptions for young people who lack life experience and a sense of self, and people who maybe cheat once and genuinely regret and own up and change behaviour (depending on circumstances)… but even then, there would be a lot of souls searching required and not many people are genuinely capable of that in a meaningful way.

Same with women who cheat with men whilst knowing they have a wife or partner - narcs imo. It’s not hard to have even just a tiny amount of empathy and realise how that would make the woman feel.

BedazzledSwashbuckle · 2022-01-18T17:30:51+00:00

If anyone has personal experience with this topic, I highly recommend Tracy's blog on www.chumplady.com. It is hilarious and absolutely glorious!

I feel like the faucet of affairs that married men want you to ignore is this: it's not the 1920s and his wife can absolutely destroy your life forever once she clocks you (and she will). And his script-kiddie teens can do the same.

I've seen dorm-mates/ acquaintances / classmates / colleagues get fired because they hooked up with a guy without realizing his wife was further up the corporate chain in their own company. I've seen them get booted from uni because his wife was on the board. I've seen them get audited repeatedly by the IRS every time they start a new business venture ... and know the (now ex-) wife's modus operandi was filing a sharp little whistleblower form.

Despite what he's telling you, the odds that his wife is chained to a stove without wifi access are nil. Even if she doesn't know anyone personally who can tell her how to blow up your life, there are entire internet forums full of people who will gladly give her ideas and step-by-step instructions.

_queeeen_ · 2022-01-18T15:00:54+00:00

Same with men who are not married, but live with their girlfriends. This is another breed of vampire that could even be worse than the married man, because this one won't even commit to the main woman he's playing.

It's really not flattering to be pursued by a not-single man. There are deeper issues at play if he feels the need to step outside his relationship (even if it's only flirting or an emotional affair) and doesn't lead to sex.

Don't entertain not single men for romantic purposes. It's just a huge waste of your time and energy.

Just don't.

ububTkuc · 2022-01-18T15:15:46+00:00

A man is either married or divorced. This categorization exists in the binary in the same way a woman is either pregnant or not pregnant!!!

basicbiddy · 2022-01-18T18:03:01+00:00

Married on paper= married. Period. End of story. He can call back when he’s divorced and can show you a decree.

Davina33 · 2022-01-18T22:35:53+00:00

Never done it and never will. I'm far too good to be some man's side piece. My father was a married man who had an affair with my mother and it caused so much damage. She didn't know at first though. Men like this are entitled, selfish scum. I wouldn't want to hurt another woman like that either.

lolmemberberries · 2022-01-18T22:35:05+00:00

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. He'll talk a big game about you being different, but he'll do the same things to you.

NotMyRealName814 · 2022-01-18T06:33:37+00:00

This is a great post. Unfortunately I learned these lessons years ago the hard way.

melympia · 2022-01-18T19:49:25+00:00

If a man is taken, he's taken. Period.

And if a taken man wants to start something with you? Tell him to end whatever "romantic" relationship he has before you'll even think about whether he has a chance with you.

Also, always remember: How you get 'em is how you lose 'em.

Mb9890 · 2022-01-18T19:05:00+00:00

I mean a women who chooses to be with a men knowing he is married deserves all the bagage and pain she gets in return.... hopefully she is as bad as him and makes his life hell too the only one I feel bad for is his wife

consider-thecoconut · 2022-01-18T08:25:25+00:00

I tried dating a man who was allegedly 5 years post divorce after having cheated on his wife (while pregnant I think??? Based on timeline??) to end the marriage because he "wanted out", who was "coparenting" with the ex wife...which I found out meant living ~8 blocks away, not having a room for the kids at his apt, going over to their prior shared apartment together multiple times a week, and still having her feed him 🙃 who dangled a relationship/future carrot in front of me from date 1 (before I even found out he had cheated) until it became clear he was literally traumatizing me/triggering divorced parent triggers and he felt bad and backed out finally and stopped BSing me that he "cared/liked me" was just "busy" with kids/being a lawyer.

10/10 DONT recommend dating these dudes even after their divorce. I still felt like an affair/other woman, it was so pathetic.

I felt so many red flags and ignored or overlooked them because he was consistent, enthusiastic, engaged, and was good at communicating handling my emotions I thought but all of that faded fairly fast. It was like he was playing a role of what he thought a Good Guy should be to get the girl but it was completely fake and slipped a few months in. 🙄 oh well good riddance.

It was just frustrating cause I didn't even like him that much at first and kind of wanted to walk out of the first date before I even sat down for some reason? And he had things that annoyed me and some red flags. But he somehow he got me hooked and before I knew it I thought I was in love LOL I still don't really know how it happened 😅

Owl-right · 2022-01-18T22:55:54+00:00

As someone who has been cheated on, it's the most soul destroying thing you can do to someone and even being the other woman shows a lot about your character. I don't know how women (if they know) can engage in that kind of LV behaviour.

FDS-GFY · 2022-01-19T05:29:20+00:00

When you marry a man who cheats on his wife you marry a man who cheats on his wife.

Purple-Try8602 · 2022-01-18T10:29:00+00:00

They’re also still doing their wives anyyyyyy chance they can. She’s the main goal (to avoid costly separation), you’re available for sex until she does a lil pretending that’s she doesn’t see him for the waste of space that she has figured out that he is. You won’t hear from him if she’s being how he wants her to be. While you’re with him he will go in the bathroom & appease her on the phone while you wait. Have you ever seen him turn his phone off and focus on you? NOPE. She was enough at one time to seal the deal that these homewreckers couldn’t secure. She wins. In fact he’s usually so obsessed with his wife & that’s the reason he’s cheating 🤣 Yep that’s an actual thing.

Junior_Accountant420 · 2022-01-18T14:38:49+00:00

Pickmes who sleep with married men obviously have some unresolved commitment/abandonment trauma that’s allowing them accept such crappy behavior from these scrotes. Married men who cheat and manipulate these desperate women are the worst.

JYQE · 2022-01-18T05:09:48+00:00

There is a YouTuber, Chloe_, who basically tells women to go in with a plan and be aware what you want to be: wife, mistress, side chick or jump off. And know what you want to get out of the relationship if it’s one of the first three (jump off is not a relationship).

So, if he is married, you need to be clear what you are getting out of it. I’d say, never expect more than mistress or side chick, and personally, in a crappy sitch like this, I’d only ever want to be a side chick because then I’d clearly be free to have other guys in a rotation while making him pay for dates and gifts. (Mistress is basically a second wife position without any rights.)

All that said, best to stay away from cheaters. They’re scummy.

ennu_i_sao · 2022-01-21T21:23:49+00:00

One of my coworkers continued to sleep with her ex husband for 5+ years after he initiated a divorce when she caught him cheating. She stopped though she has to remain cordial because she had kids with him (ick). It really taught me that if a man doesn’t respect his marriage once he probably will never want to, even on the off chance he kept all his promises. Anyway, that’s why with any “monogamous” men, if I need something for work or the like, I’ll do everything through the wife/gf/partner since I don’t trust most men to not be upfront.

ladyinblack1997 · 2022-01-23T18:36:20+00:00

I’m sorry but to all the women dating married men, you’ll get what you deserve, which is absolutely and truly nothing but your time wasted.

Title	On dating married men
Author	electroloop
Upvotes	827
Comments	86
Date	January 18, 2022 3:02 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/s6mv67/on_dating_married_men/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/on-dating-married-men.1096969 https://theredarchive.com/post/1096969

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