Thanksgiving blues..

millennialpink2000 · 2021-11-25T22:22:01+00:00

Your mom is the exact person who will pressure her daughter to marry a loser, then once things are going horribly, she'll blame you for choosing him and never help in any capacity.

You're doing the right thing.

The only thing you're running out of time on is getting your first divorce under your belt by your 40th birthday. Egads.

Getting married is easy, getting a law degree is not. Your mom feeling 'punished' by you protecting yourself and your womb shows how selfish she truly is. This has nothing to do with you, it's all her. She's ok with you being miserable just so she can tell her friends you're married. Umm ok, then. Treat her opinion accordingly. Don't take criticism from people you wouldn't take advice from. It sucks and it's really hard to come to terms with the fact your parents don't care (I'm in that boat too) about you in the way you'd like, but it's freeing.

For what it's worth, the last 2 years I've spent all the holidays alone, and you know what? It feels so much less lonely than being with my family. Give it a try, you just might like it. I didn't expect to, but now I look forward to it.

Stay strong.

GabbaG0ul · 2021-11-26T01:11:07+00:00

Our parents came from a different time. Aside from the few 2nd wave feminist mothers, most of our parents were raised to believe that the marker for success for women was marriage and children. It’s not true and it’s sad that even trumped being a lawyer (another marker of success most parents want). When I went through this with my family, I took some time away. Being hounded to get married to anyone, really wears on your psyche.

SayNad · 2021-11-25T22:19:08+00:00

You can never choose your parents but you can always choose to be happy. And yes that will includes making other people very angry. It is a shared experience by women across the globe.

Do you have some thing, that you always want to do but can never seem to find the time, but will make you very happy? I suggest for the holidays - go do that instead of going back to your parents.

They will be very very angry at you for sure - but continue to be silent and stubborn for a few years. Always choose to be happy, stubbornly make yourself happy. Eventually you will get use to their anger and can let it roll off your shoulder. And they may or may not change how they treat you - but it no longer matters.

Because you train yourself to prioretize your own happiness and will happily continue to do so for years to come.

asianinindia · 2021-11-26T02:02:55+00:00

Are you from an Asian family? Sounds like it. We all go through the pressure from some relative or the other. Not really anything we can do about it except ignore them.

Distract yourself. A TV show and books sound just about right. If you want someone to love you for unselfish reasons, get a dog. Honestly they're the only ones who love us unconditionally. If it's holiday blues. Remind yourself about what Thanksgiving is really about if you wanna lose the holiday value. History books etc.

Honestly if I wanted to shut them up I'd hire an actor to dress like a hobo and take them home. Hey mom, heres this random hobo I picked off the street. Since you only care that I marry a man this should be okay right? Meet....shit I forgot his name.....John Doe. We are getting married soon. Don't know anything about him but that shouldn't matter to you since you wanted me to marry an engineer you and I know nothing about anyway. Will you finally treat me like a human being now or am a still garbage to you despite being a successful lawyer?

Zeniite · 2021-11-25T22:05:35+00:00

Your parents sound self centered and narcissistic tbh. My mom is similar - she has even asked me if I’ve heard from my physician ex (who was a huge narc and cheated on me) to see if there was any chance of reconciliation. She always says she doesn’t like to think of me being alone, but it seems it’s more important to her that I have a partner rather than I be happy. It’s definitely a lonely place to be when we have parents like these who don’t support our growth and happiness. I feel you, girl.

blackmetalbetty · 2021-11-26T01:37:29+00:00

No offense to you, but your mom sounds like the perfect candidate for the gray rock method I'm always hearing about :/

wolfshadow1995 · 2021-11-26T02:32:37+00:00

Know that you are not alone in this ♥️ my mom does the same thing to me around the holidays. Remember that being single and picky will ALWAYS triumph settling and marrying a man who is lazy, or lies, or cheats, or abuses you, or just plain doesn’t do it for you. I cannot tell you how many women I know from college/high school who married the first serious-ish relationship they had purely out of worrying they won’t find anyone else. Even if the guy was completely average or scummy. I will never envy a woman my age because she is married, because in my opinion, finding your person is solely based on compatibility and timing. You have to have standards and be able to say “nah”. You will never regret being selective but I can bet you will definitely regret settling for less than you deserve, promise. 💞

The_Cat_Empress · 2021-11-26T02:44:17+00:00

What’s with these women forgetting the Hell of childbirth though? Not only is dating a minefield full of porn addicts and man-babies but even if you did fulfill your moms selfish desire for grandchildren doesn’t she know it’s YOUR BODY???!! You didn’t specifically say grandchildren but the “running out of time” crap just screeches the “biological clock is ticking” and it’s such a wet fart. It’s stupid! And I’m sorry you had to deal with such an unwarranted guilt trip. I hope you feel better now sis. :(

PinkBlair99 · 2021-11-25T22:41:12+00:00

I’m alone this year again (after being alone last years bc quarantine), after having disowned nearly my entire family over their support of Former Guy and what that reveals about their values and character. I’m not sorry.

I had a nice, non-traditional meal at lunch while FaceTiming with a loved one, went on a nice long autumn walk, and I’m about to get dressed up and take myself to the movies (one of those that serves food and alcohol). Maybe you should do the same—dress up and take yourself out tonight!

Commiserations, hugs, and happy Thanksgiving. You deserve the world.

KateJ1982 · 2021-11-26T02:28:44+00:00

Wow, you’re a lawyer and a strong independent woman... I’m so proud of you. Your mom is a loon and just doesn’t have her priorities straight.

BlueJeanMistress · 2021-11-26T02:49:48+00:00

Your mom’s way of thinking is sadly why so many women settle and end up as mothers who break down. I can’t tell you how many posts I’ve read where these women acknowledge the red flags that appeared early in the relationship but stayed anyways because they were getting older and wanted a family.

Being alone and happy is way better than being shackled to a LVM who contributes nothing of value.

Angeli_33 · 2021-11-25T22:29:13+00:00

Girl. Here's my advice to you:

Think about what you want in this life.
Make a plan.
Stick to that plan.

For example, I know what I want in a man. I know my value. I want to find someone to spend my life with. I also want kids at some point in life. If I don't find that man I'll go the artificial insemination route. Idc what people along the way of my plan say to me. Nobody can shame me out of my intentions. This is my plan and I'm sticking to it.

When I didn't have a plan or didn't know what I wanted, comments like this from people would get to me. Your plan may differ from mine, but that's fine. To each their own. What's important is, what do YOU want. Realize that. Create a strategy. Create a fallback. And march onward. But don't let the currents of life sway you to and fro. you gotta be the captain of your ship sometimes.

ultblue7 · 2021-11-25T22:30:17+00:00

Fellow lonely FDSer here. Been thinking alot about this and I also know my career choice/ dreams are not dating friendly. Also have my mom throwing hints to me and my siblings about dating and “meeting the one.” Hurts even more since I recently went through a breakup and she basically said get over it and I went about it the wrong way....Ive just sort of been trying to make sure I’m ok. I would say take this time to learn about yourself. Journal and learn about what you like and what you want to do. Plan a trip. Start a routine. Try a new exercise or book. I might be preaching to the choir because Im new to this myself but I really do feel less lonely when I’m doing something for myself.

Edit: I also recently downloaded Bumble bff to meet friends in the area.

Edit part 2 lol: Id like to add that I think you should consider talking to either a therapist or just noting for yourself the patterns in your relationship to your parents. One thing a previous therapist helped me realize was that my parents were never going to change and not to expect emotional support or improvement. I dont like that conclusion but it frees you to seek that support elsewhere and justify distancing yourself from your parents and this conflict. I have now accepted that culturally my parents are incapable of understanding everything in my life. Im also first generation from an immigrant family.

DivineGoddess1111111 · 2021-11-26T00:17:44+00:00

If you were my daughter, I would be so proud of your accomplishments, becoming a lawyer after your family had escaped from a war torn country.

You mother sounds very old fashioned. I can sympathise as mine is a boomer and a devout Catholic.

She knows if she comes at me with her patriarchal religious beliefs I will shut her down and ghost her. I think you need to do the same with yours. She's not good for your mental health.

cryptohobo · 2021-11-26T02:58:30+00:00

Try to plan a fun activity, no matter how simple, just to have something to look forward to for yourself. Take a bubble bath. Remember that holidays are just social constructs, they’re only just a day, and that if anything you are coming out on top because you are deciding who should get your time and that’s a privilege. Lots of people will be spending holidays with family they hate or are also toxic, take warmth that you aren’t included in that equation.

And just throwing it out there; maybe we can have a FDS ladies night on zoom or something. That goes for anyone else reading this :)

RainbowChardonnay · 2021-11-25T22:08:23+00:00

Aw! You’re doing great! Thanksgiving is a weird holiday anyway (beginning of genocide of Native Americans). Don’t let that patriarchal thinking get you down.

revengeofgivingtree · 2021-11-25T23:58:57+00:00

Misery loves company. You don't have to settle just because she did.

ferociouslycurious · 2021-11-26T03:32:20+00:00

That’s such a crappy way for a mom to behave. My mom went nuts when my ex and I split and blamed me in nonsensical ways and now is bitching that the only reason I’m not talking to her is because my child is old enough that I don’t need a sitter (nevermind that since COVID I have gone nowhere and even before it was to events the child could EASILY come with me, I just let grandma have grandma time….back when she was nice). She’s made her refusal to respect my boundaries as an adult into me personally attacking her. Sometimes parents just suck.

I’m debating Christmas. I don’t have the kids for it so we’re celebrating early and I took the week before off work. I’ll probably go hunting and then binge watch some shows.

aurelia_86 · 2021-11-26T04:42:03+00:00

I'm sorry. I know how heartbreaking it is to be let down by the people who are meant to love you unconditionally and support you through life. And I know it's doubly heartbreaking when they let you down when you are already feeling vulnerable.

I don't have inspiration per se, but it's not ok for your mum to be bullying, shaming and shunning you into living your life the way she wants. What she's doing is pretty textbook - she pushes you to do something, you refuse, she escalates with increasingly more extreme and hurtful behaviour in order to make non-compliance with her wishes so painful that you give in.

Unfortunately the only thing you can do is walk away until she realises that her behaviours won't get her what she wants. This takes a bit of time and usually there's a few further escalations before the person realises that their behaviour isn't paying off and gives up.

Do you have friends or other family members you could focus on for a bit? Now might be the time to focus on your other relationships as a source of love and comfort. Or go on a holiday by yourself, or book a tour somewhere, or something like that.

I'm second generation... or maybe first, since my mum was born overseas. I'm a lawyer too. My parents are ok with me being single but my extended family is always asking me and my sisters about when we're going to settle down. We are all educated professionals but in the family's eyes, we are incomplete people without husbands and kids. Never mind that a lot of the people doing the judging are on their second and third marriages and have rocky relationships with their own children :P

The point is, it's not you, or anything you're doing wrong. Sometimes it's cultural attitudes around the role of women combined with a complete lack of boundaries/sense of other people as being separate beings with the ability to make choices about their own lives. Often combined with basic emotional immaturity. It's a sh*t sandwich to have to eat but it is not your fault or a reflection on anything you have done.

ArugulaIsAwesome · 2021-11-26T19:21:26+00:00

Arg.

Reading your post is like reading my journal from 8 years ago.

Several years ago I finally had had enough and literally didn’t go home for Christmas.

Instead on the 23rd, I sent a long winded message to my entire family to express that I would not be coming home the holidays.

I would only visit for New Year’s and expressed it would happen only under the following conditions.

I’m single, don’t ask why.
Do not ask when or if I’ll be having children.
Absolutely ZERO comments about my fertility.

You literally have to be a bitch because it will wear you the fuck down if you don’t speak up.

Cut off the conversation entirely. It’s rude as hell and at the end of the day THEY are the ones making you sad, NOT your single child-less life.

swaylyn · 2021-11-26T00:07:55+00:00

Damn OP… I felt this… family can be difficult and very painful. All I can say is prioritize yourself OP. Take care of you and you can’t go wrong

This is my first thnxgiving doing things my way. And I wanted to do nothing but chill at home. Then got invited to Friendsgiving and was thinking of what I’d wear and what it would be like (half excited, half wary of meeting a few ppl I’m not familiar with). The goal was not to go visit my family because they’re horrible and being around them messes with me mentally.

Ended up not feeling well and had to cancel. Then my mom calls me telling me I can come over today because they made a little something, I was like I’m not going anywhere I don’t feel well.

BUT THE WAY SHE SAID IT. Came off as she knew I wasn’t planning on seeing them, and spoke like it was obvious I WOULD be coming over (this is the first year of my life I didn’t spend the holiday with them) and she wasn’t surprised when I declined.

letsberealforamoment · 2021-11-26T03:29:26+00:00

I'm going to go against the grain here a bit compared to other responses.

I too am a successful lawyer and own my own business. Divorced twice. 2 kids.

Despite the above, my parents feel that I am somehow "safer" if I have a man by my side. That I'm not "alone". Statistics aside that suggest a woman is more likely to be a victim of a crime if she has a romantic partner lol.

It's a very old, albeit traditional mindset. To them, not being alone and safe means being married, despite my loving family, friends, kids and colleagues.

Marriage, for that generation, is very privileged compared to other non romantic relationships. Being married with kids means you are an Adult.

FlockAroundtheClock · 2021-11-26T04:14:43+00:00

I'm so sorry. You're doing the right thing. Don't let anyone guilt you into doing otherwise. Stay strong! ❤

GlitteryMoss · 2021-11-26T13:03:02+00:00

Hi, I just saw this, not in the US. I think it is great you walked out rather than stay there and have to deal with shite. I hope you had a tasty dinner in your own great company last night.

I find it great that you are a lawyer! Your mum sounds like she is stuck in 1950; look ahead at your life and live it the way you want. She already lived hers the way she wanted.

xfelugirlx · 2021-11-26T16:16:57+00:00

You are a lawyer and you learned how to be good with yourself without a scrote, i would be so proud of you if i were your mom! She’s the kind of woman that would force their daughter to marry a loser, abusive, don’t give a f about that

goatismycopilot · 2021-11-27T13:43:03+00:00

You should skip Christmas with them and take a pleasant solo holiday.

I had to work Thanksgiving. I did get two rambling texts from men neither of whom I even dated clearly hoping I might be sad and lonely and wanting to hook up. I did not ignore them I just said enjoy your holiday season.

Frogspocket · 2021-11-26T12:17:32+00:00

💔 the older I get the more I hear similar stories like this from friends of mine. The root of the problem has a common denominator and it is aging parents.

A lot of parents have outdated ideas and unless they've made the effort to adapt to the changing culture they're just SO out of touch. But they still deeply believe that they're right and that they know what's best for you.

So this IS their way of loving you. The love part doesn't translate. At all. But unless your mom is a narc or something (obviously I don't know the whole picture) I can pretty much guarantee you that she lives and breathes love for you and this is her (weird, hurtful) way of showing it.

I really think that they way she twisted the situation into being about HER (like it's embarrassing for her to tell her friends you're single 🙄) was her attempt at a guilt trip. Which, again, in a really messed up sloppy way is motivated by love for you. Even though you consciously know she's being stupid it's still possible that her manipulation worked and that deep down you are feeling guilt. So be careful with that. Some emotions can be really sneaky and hard to identify.

They're from a very different generation. This is a unique time in history where women can fully choose to be selective. She has absolutely no idea what that is like. My advice is to take a break from them for a while. Feel your feelings, have a good big cry if you can but when you're ready try to remind yourself about the generational disconnect and remember that it absolutely does not matter what other people think of you. Just do the best for yourself.

Btw my parents are the EXACT opposite lol. I finally have a boyfriend this year who is great but they could not care less. They are obsessed with my career path. My job is in music/media, but they literally do not understand that it's a career. They think I'm just having fun and being immature. I work extremely hard and kind of hate my job, it's not like I'm just having fun and dragging my feet. But that's how they see it. They have an idea of what a job is and can't wrap their heads around the new world. They would kill to have a lawyer daughter.

LostZookeeper · 2021-11-26T07:56:01+00:00

Oh my god, I had the exact same thing happen to me last Christmas, so I know how you feel. I left and spent Christmas alone on my couch with my cats. Didn’t hear from my parents for several days and then they texted me and basically told me off again. I then sent them a long e-mail (we’re not good at talking to each other without one party losing it, so doing this in writing seemed to be a better idea) telling them how their comments about me not being married and having kids made me feel and that I needed them to stop saying these things to me, or else I wouldn’t visit them anymore because I absolutely didn’t want to hear it. That really helped and they completely stopped commenting on my (love) life choices. It was the first time I stood up for myself and set boundaries with my parents, so that was really freeing. Maybe it would help if you did the same?

Title	Thanksgiving blues..
Author	plomerst
Upvotes	717
Comments	77
Date	November 25, 2021 10:01 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/r27m1d/thanksgiving_blues/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/thanksgiving-blues.1086548 https://theredarchive.com/post/1086548

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