The same behavior that caused me to get friendzoned by women I was attracted to is the same behavior that causes women I'm not attracted to to want to date me.

TotalTravesty · 2022-11-29T17:10:43+00:00

If your behavior is getting you interest, but not from the girls that you like, then it seems your behavior isn’t the issue—your standards are.

People love to blow past the ones they had to reject when telling their own tales of woe, but uggos are people too. You’re not getting no interest. Water is just finding its own level.

TheKarmicWoosh2 · 2022-11-29T16:58:40+00:00

If indeed this was the exact same behavior then it's not the behavior that did anything. One set of Women were physically attracted to you, and another set weren't.

Hummingb1rb · 2022-11-29T17:00:56+00:00

That probably means you are punching out of your league physically and not noticing girls more within your league? Maybe?

gymbro718nyc2 · 2022-11-29T16:56:11+00:00

Lol, very typical. When you are interested in a woman you subconsciously try to impress her and change your behavior in such a way that you censor yourself. You never take any risks or blurt anything out that might offend her or upset her. In other words, you neuter yourself and your confidence in an effort to control how she sees you. The end result is that women are not interested.

With women you don't care about, you tend to act much braver and have a devil may care attitude because you have no stakes in trying to impress them or get them interested. In essence, you let your real self confidently come out wjthout concern that it may offend or upset women and the end result is that women find you attractive because they like your confidence.

Bats_are_cuter · 2022-11-29T17:02:35+00:00

Yes, sometimes the people we fancy don't fancy us, and the people we don't fancy fancy us. I don't think it's anything you do really, someone would like you or not. Sure you can grab someone's attention, but that doesn't spark true romantic interest out of nowhere.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2022-11-29T19:48:03+00:00

It's almosts as if those women were all different people and there's probably different reasons as to why Julie was attracted to you, but Sally wasn't.

listen to their problems, listen to their bitching, take an interest in their lives, offer advice, hang out with them, have long dumb conversations both in person and through instant messaging, and so on

First of all, handing out with people and being there for them is called friendship. Second of all, you describe all of these normal friendship ways in such a way that it makes me think you weren't actually a friend to these women, you were just trying to smash and are upset that you didn't get the prize you wanted.

KayRay1994 · 2022-11-29T17:27:20+00:00

I think the issue is more related to your sense of attraction than anything - and i don’t mean standards, I mean more psychological stuff brought on by how you were raised and what behaviors you naturally respond to - lemme elaborate with an example based on my own life

I was primarily interested in two girls, let’s call them 1 and 2 - 2 is more attractive than 1, is more stable and has genuine interest in me. 1 is a mess of a person, less attractive and she’s not nearly as interested. I made the mistake of chasing 1 and got burned for it, I dragged the flirting out with 2 and took it nowhere cause I was committed to get girl 1 to date me (spoiler: it didn’t work) - even though 2 was objectively better option in literally every aspect. I now realize that this is primarily because of my own savior complex, abandonment issues and so on brought on to the surface - 2 had nothing to fix while 1 felt like the ultimate project, that’s what made her more attractive.

And while your story may not be similar, the fundamental concept is still the same - our selection process is heavily based on how we were raised and traits we find familiar for one reason or another. So I think this is worth looking into and that’s what i mean by “the issue is more with your sense of attraction than anything”

ashpr0ulx · 2022-11-29T17:05:27+00:00

so the healthy behaviors such as being genuinely interested and thoughtful drove away the girls you liked and attracted the girls you didn’t like. genuine question: are you attracted to women with unhealthy attachment styles?

Stunning-Potato-1984 · 2022-11-29T16:57:30+00:00

What kind of girls were you attracted to? What kind of girls were you not?

Relative_Bee8356 · 2022-11-29T18:08:51+00:00

I used to hook up with this very attractive, intensely promiscuous man. I was in an open relationship at the time so completely off the table for anything serious but we had a solid friendship and he would bitch to me about his dating woes. Without exception, his complaints were: (1) "This girl I'm banging wants to date me" and (2) "This girl I'm banging doesn't want to date me." So same shit, except he was actually fucking all of them.

People want what they can't have. You were probably attracted to the girls who "friendzoned" you because they friendzoned you. Same for the girls you weren't attracted to who wanted you. It's dumb as hell.

HighestTierMaslow · 2022-11-29T18:55:21+00:00

I agree with other repliers but I want to add this to consider, but I dont know you IRL: it could also could be your behavior attracts a certain type of woman, and that type of woman you dont like. You could be attracting more emotionally healthy women and pursuing more unhealthy toxic women that enjoy being more cold, aloof, high maintenance and "hard to get". Emotionally healthy women actually like a lot of "friendzoning" behavior I see written here in this forum.

Its kind of like the men in this forum who state they think all women are crazy or can only end up with crazy women, yet when they date a normal gal or are exposed to one that they like initially, they lose interest in her over time.

SolidPuzzleheaded984 · 2022-11-29T21:51:50+00:00

Nah it’s just those girls you are attracted to are just not interested regardless of how you act.

It’s a looks discrepancy issue.

Those girls you aren’t attracted to are probs more in your league hence why they show interest.

BigZaddyZ3 · 2022-11-29T17:13:01+00:00

Before I can really give any input here, it would first help to know the differences in your mind between the girls you were attracted to and the ones you weren’t. Was it purely a looks thing?

waffleznstuff30 · 2022-11-30T00:36:59+00:00

Maybe just maybe....

It's part of being human that people we want to date don't want to date us and people we don't want to date want to date us. Because we put the people we want to date on some kind of pedestal and we subconsciously act different. And the ones we aren't attracted to tend to see our more authentic self and do the same thing we do to the other person thus idealize

It's about finding someone in that sweet spot..

rumi_shinigami · 2022-11-30T01:52:43+00:00

Those girls you aren't interested in are probably thinking "why doesn't he like a nice girl like me? Why is he chasing after these girls who are so shitty to him?"

EugeneCezanne · 2022-11-29T18:23:01+00:00

Just a realization I had. I don't do this anymore but in my younger days I'd do all the classic shit - listen to their problems, listen to their bitching, take an interest in their lives, offer advice, hang out with them, have long dumb conversations both in person and through instant messaging, and so on. All the beta stuff.

You're describing friendship. Was it really so bad, just because you didn't get to smash?

Honestly, it just sounds like you were aiming above your league, as perhaps were the women who actually wanted you.

Repulsive-Cupcake505 · 2022-11-29T19:12:51+00:00

I think women have different attention thresholds from men. Some women are fine being friends with someone they are drawn to , but with other women , you need to make a mover fast or they lose interest in you.

ad_so · 2022-11-29T18:32:26+00:00

Hear me out: sometimes...people you're interested in aren't interested in you, and people who you're not interested in, are interested in you. Sometimes it's tough finding someone where you both "click" together in the right ways, and it's neither person's fault if you don't find a person who likes you compatible.

This is literally a normal and universal human experience. It happens to everyone, both men and women, all the time. That's just life, dude. It has nothing to do with getting "friendzoned" or whatever.

Also, you sound like a terrible friend if you describe doing standard friendship things as "beta stuff." Either be a genuine friend to someone because you enjoy their company, or don't be their friend at all.

Snoo16680 · 2022-11-29T23:57:12+00:00

Everyone is saying that you liked Girls out of your league. I think that is a bit too quickly said, and perhaps wishful thinking (men are too demanding, cos I should be more in demand).

Perhaps you are looking at either side of the spektrum? You acted in a way that was not good for being liked (given time and space). You did probably register as available (And a bit desperate). Who is attracted to that?..

glad0_ve0rgijev · 2022-11-29T18:30:27+00:00

Something is off here. Yes, being toxic to women can attract certain type of women, saw this with my own eyes, but most girls prefer, even for hook ups, to be treated well and for guy to be interested in them. You attract what you are, so if being thoughtful is rejecting girls you like, maybe you are going for the "bad girls", you know what I am saying?

RocinanteCoffee · 2022-11-29T21:45:54+00:00

listen to their problems, listen to their bitching, take an interest in their lives, offer advice, hang out with them, have long dumb conversations both in person and through instant messaging, and so on. All the beta stuff.

If you thought their venting was all bitching, thought their conversations were dumb and consider taking an interest in someone's life "beta stuff" I can see why you weren't successful. You have to find the people you are actually interested where they can vent to you and trust that you won't call all of it from everyone "bitching". Why would you want to spend time with or date people whose conversations are dumb and you don't find interesting?

I don't like listening to men or women bitch. That's why I only hook up with people who I actually care about hearing their venting, and I'm actually interested in their lives, and I don't think their long conversations are dumb. I have found a lot of success this way. The men I've dated have found success that way too.

Flightlessbirbz · 2022-11-29T22:17:02+00:00

Having long conversations and hanging out with someone is just part of dating, not “beta stuff.” Most likely, the girls you liked were just out of your league, and the girls you didn’t like were in your league. That’s usually how it goes. Being “nice” and getting to know someone is just a basic part of dating, but not enough to bag someone who is more attractive than you.

Smitten_Squire · 2022-11-29T23:16:01+00:00

Girls above ur league, and girls below ur league.

Ok_Razzmatazz_1751 · 2022-11-30T02:23:57+00:00

Beta male = treating a woman like a human being that has feelings and interests besides breeding.

nyanyamuthafukka · 2022-11-30T03:46:08+00:00

I might add, it’s the “niceguy” who thinks he is being nice but is using niceness to get close to his crush under the guise of a covert contract and expects her to do all the work of initiating everything.

Leeola_Mcgillicuddy · 2022-11-30T04:19:45+00:00

You sound like countless males in these spaces. Sorry, I am not trying to be mean but it sounds like you view yourself as most likely more attractive than you must be. You probably are not attracted to women in your own league. I believe that is just the reality of a frustrating and lonely existence. Hopefully you can change some way and some how. Because there is much misery in not understanding that you are average or below average as a male.

bison5595 · 2022-11-30T11:57:00+00:00

So in order to solve this problem, you have to learn what the women you are attracted to want, and get to that level. It might not be easy, but you have to be willing to put in the work

dezmyers · 2022-11-30T18:06:20+00:00

Went through literally the same thing back in the day lol seemed like the girls I just viewed as friends or acquaintances wanted to be with me but the girls I really wanted always looked dead past me for the dudes they'd later be on Facebook writing paragraphs complaining about lol. At some point u wonder what energy am I projecting. I wasn't a "nerd" or the type people in school looked down on. I dressed BETTER than the popular kids, I just kept to myself and didn't speak unless spoken to. I was cool with the "cool kids" & the kids people made fun of or treated like invisible people.

I definitely was the type to be like "Well me and this girl talk for hours, we know each other on such a deep level that she HAS to view me as a potential love interest. We know each other's flaws and good qualities, being a in a relationship would be a breeze cause we know what we're up against"........ But no 😂 Skipped over everytime or was given the good ol' "I kinda just see u as more of a friend" 🤦🏾‍♂️

If I could go back in time, literally the ONLY thing i would change is being more forward in what my intentions were. My ability to maintain a comfortable conversation space to get more open was great but I never shifted the energy to where she knew I wanted her. One girl I liked texted ME for the first time out of no where. Never "set the tone" with her or asked to date her, etc. Id just change how pussy I was 😂 i was so scared about "What if they stop texting me? What if I lose her? What if seeing her at school becomes weird now?" WHO. CARES. At the end of the day, whether she cuts communication or not, she knows how u feel about her & if she ever reconsiders talking to u again, she knows what time it is & what u looking for from her.

StarPIatinum_ · 2022-11-29T17:05:15+00:00

Doing those things don't mean you are entitled to anything. Also, you shouldn't be friends with someone just to try to get into her pants.

Being emotionally available is something worth cultivating, but not because you want to get more women; it leads to a happier life. It's also an attractive trait (ask any woman), and someone who is attracted to you will appreciate it. If someone isn't attracted, just move on. There is no need to change their mind.

ObjectiveCow59 · 2022-11-30T00:31:38+00:00

All the PPD women will tell you you’re shooting out of your league, it’s a lie. They’re just all being hypergamous and gaslighting all the men to get away with it

AstuteBlackMan · 2022-11-29T17:58:38+00:00

It’s not the same behavior it’s simply you putting hot women up above you whereas women you don’t want below you.

When you start treating all women shitty that’s when they like you. And by shitty I don’t mean actually bad I just mean being normal wether that’s treating her like a Dick or nice depending on the scenario

BrummieAMN19 · 2022-11-29T17:23:22+00:00

Probably those ones were attracted to you and those girls whom you liked weren’t or based off sub communications you carried yourself way better to the women you aren’t attracted to, you weren’t worried about the final outcome like one of the comments says.

AutoModerator · 2022-11-29T16:49:54+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Green-Quantity1032 · 2022-11-30T01:09:50+00:00

"Same behaviour" - are you sure?

So now that you don't do this anymore, what do you do?

I don't know about all the "looks levels" thing - unattractive girls still like attractive guys, they don't go "oh he's my looksmatch, lets do this", but they may be less picky.

Supreme_Salt_Lord · 2022-11-30T12:31:18+00:00

Sounds like you are shooting above your class and want what you cant have. Trying to get the hot girl takes a hot guy or a master of illusion and speech craft.

You could have been successful but guys dont realize it takes practice and practice you get from women you aren’t attracted to. This might ruffle feathers but it is what is.

Axtser · 2022-11-30T14:49:17+00:00

The girls you aren't interested in are more desperate and noticing your simp ways and how you're unaware of it. Better girls with more options don't want that shit they want more. Figure out what you're missing and how to combine it for maximum lootout

leetcodelyfer · 2022-11-30T16:39:46+00:00

what is it you do to get "friendzoned"?

i get rejected tons but never has a girl actually wanted to stay my friend, it's always just no contact after that

Ohyarlysmiles · 2022-11-30T22:21:07+00:00

Indeed, your annoying habit of matching the physical preference of one set of women (unfortunately, those you didn't like) while failing to match the physical preference of another set of women (unfortunately, those you did like) turned up some strange results.

That is to say, your behavior likely had little to do with it.

keyshawnscott12 · 2022-12-06T01:23:10+00:00

Yeah I can relate lol maybe you need to focus on yourself before anything

Comments