Keeping in contact with Exes

fancypantsdance92 · 2021-08-01T06:43:28+00:00

Every dude I've tried to remain friends with after a breakup has continued to thoroughly disappoint me in every aspect of my life. I always ended up dropping them twice.

ComprehensiveAmoeba9 · 2021-08-01T06:29:27+00:00

I have a friend whose ex is one of her best guy friends. She told me the other day she thinks that they’re back together but she’s not entirely sure🤦🏻‍♀️

As for men I date, I find still being in touch with an ex to be a red flag because of not having the time and space to fully move on. The way I got over my exes were through blocking and no contact. I wasted my time with a guy who ended up not being fully moved on from his ex, they would still talk and I found out they still worked in the same building. It’s not worth the heartache to be used as a rebound!

Betty_Bottle · 2021-08-01T06:52:56+00:00

It took me stumbling across this sub and going to therapy last year that gave me a lightbulb moment - I don't have to be nice to those who hurt me. Why am I worrying about their feelings when they clearly didn't/don't give a shit about mine?

The fact that exes want to keep in touch, despite moving on to other women and telling you she is "cool" with you two talking, despite commenting on your new boyfriend and how you've "obviously downgraded". The fact that they want to keep you around shows that YOU WERE NOT THE PROBLEM.

TheaTia · 2021-08-01T05:09:31+00:00

I agree, there’s no reason to stay in contact. Even still having each other on social media, I find strange. Everyone’s always like “I like to check in on them, see what they’re up to.” Like why? What does that add to your life knowing what your past is doing?

anxious-american · 2021-08-01T05:20:40+00:00

I was once friends with my ex.

And by "friends," I mean I downgraded him from "fiance" to "guy I'm talking to."

You'll never see this person the same way, platonic friendship would be difficult if not impossible. I only have one ex so I'm jist going off of my experience, but I really don't think it's worth it.

thrway01010 · 2021-08-01T09:00:11+00:00

I very much agree. I'm still in contact with an ex and have been wondering... what the hell am I doing. When we broke up and decided to stay friends, I thought "why not, it's not like I have too many friends." I agree that it's been made to be something that measures your "maturity" and in theory it does make sense. But in practice? I don't know, personally it feels like I'm his emotional support person while not really wanting emotional support or anything from him. I'm over it/him but keep contact because I'm still absolutely terrified of disappointing people and he keeps hitting me up.

It has also been a big insecurity of mine that I have never had a platonic guy friend. This is not exactly the same but as close as I can get maybe. Otoh I realized I don't even like my ex as a person now (that I'm not wearing my rose colored glasses). He didn't hurt me or anything like that, no big drama here and we get along but that's it. I guess that's why it now feels difficult to cut contact. It would be a no brainer to block him if something terrible happened between us.

thatshadywitch · 2021-08-01T11:45:12+00:00

My LVX asked me to stay in touch after breaking up with me. I told him NO and asked him to please stop contacting me. After many months, he sent me a handwritten letter where he asked me AGAIN to be friends. I can't even. I have no interest whatsoever in staying friends with someone who decided to dump me and turned out to be a low-value person. Why would I want him as a friend if he wasn't able to be a good boyfriend in the first place? It’s rarely genuine affection, most of the time it's mere convenience because they feel lonely. F**k that.

rainbowshummingbird · 2021-08-01T06:10:34+00:00

My narcissist ex was friends with: ex girlfriends,ex fiancée, ex wife, ex f buddy. I now consider this to be a red flag of narc behavior.

Mighty_Wombat42 · 2021-08-01T09:14:11+00:00

In my opinion there are situations where one may want or need to remain friendly with an ex: co-parenting, being in the same professional circles, you live in a small town and he owns the only grocery store, those types of deals.

But as for being actual friends, maybe it’s possible if you went on a few dates, weren’t intimate, and he passed the vetting and you both get along but neither is feeling chemistry. And that has to be completely mutual: if you want a friendship and he wants dating/sex, he’ll be bitter and take it out on you. If you’re the one who wants to date and he wants friendship, you’ll just be miserable.

For actual established relationships, whenever strong feelings are involved, I doubt a genuine friendship is possible. Especially if you’re feeling hurt or betrayed by their actions. For a mutual breakup with a HVM, both parties should respect themselves and each other enough to move on without unnecessary drama or negativity.

MajesticSkyPachyderm · 2021-08-01T09:19:43+00:00

I never understood how people stay friends with their exes. Once someone is an ex, I have no desire to stay in touch with them. I need breakups to be actual separation so I can get over the person (as the dumper or the dumpee) and once I'm over them I have no interest in them anymore.

Reception_Queasy · 2021-08-01T11:43:06+00:00

I always always believe one of the reasons for this is sometimes if the current relationship doesn't work out, they can always get back together. It's like a backup plan.

I would never be comfortable being friends with someone I've been intimate with or thought of building a future with and it's definitely the same for a lot of individuals.

carmen_sandiegos_hat · 2021-08-01T13:25:02+00:00

I tried once to drop an ex but I had a ZVW friend at the time. She told me to not block him because that would "show that he made me angry." She said I should post all what I'm doing so that it would make him jealous and that he would know that I'm doing so much better than him.

I ended up blocking and deleting them both and now all that anxiety I had trying to balance everyone else's emotions is gone!

whiskey_and_oreos · 2021-08-01T05:39:42+00:00

32 year old millennial here and I've noticed this too, from men and women. They talk about it like they've reached peak enlightenment and maturity. All I can figure is either (1) they were never serious in the first place and so the downgrade is just a more accurate description or (2) there were feelings and by keeping them in your orbit/harem it's easy to jump back to them for a weekend fling.

Various_Sir_513 · 2021-08-01T04:46:21+00:00

No there isn’t a point. Staying in contact while in relationships with other people is inappropriate.

raindropsonnoses · 2021-08-01T06:53:55+00:00

This baffled me as well. How can you remain friends with someone you constantly argue with?

These people lack boundaries and won't respect yours either.

And they have severe unresolved issues in their life. They'd rather keep a bunch of backups they call friends than to make genuine connections.

PinturaMagnifica · 2021-08-01T15:57:25+00:00

I used to be one of those people who "stayed friends" with my exes. Then I realized I was really just doing it because I was bored and their constant validation gave me a pickme self-esteem boost. 😬 I think it's maybe easier with our access to social media nowadays.

But no more of that! I told a (fellow millennial) friend recently that I had blocked my last LVX on everything, and they were totally flabbergasted. They were so shook over how nonchalant I was about it, as if my LVX must have committed some atrocity to merit a block/delete. He didn't, really. He just kinda sucked. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Before FDS, blocking and deleting did seem harsh, but I'm now happily embracing my cold-hearted queen energy!

Junior-Lion7893 · 2021-08-01T05:05:27+00:00

Never EVER stay in contact with your ex!

I make sure to delete and block all of my potentials and exes contact info.

Any trace of their existence in my life is just overkill. Just the thought of them is a mood killer.

LostInContentment · 2021-08-01T14:19:46+00:00

In 99% of situations, you’re right. I do know a couple of people who are friends with their one of their exes though. In those cases the breakup was mutual and civil. While they valued each other as people, they just weren’t compatible as a couple. And they were genuinely happy that their ex found someone that they were compatible with. These scenarios are the outliers. They should be treated as red flags.

I suppose coparents could eventually become friends with enough time. My first ex MIL was friendly with her ex husband. He was invited to all family holidays with her family for my ex’s and his older brother’s sake and things went from there. She’s HV af. He wasn’t. 🤷🏻‍♀️

potmakesyouparanoid · 2021-08-01T09:46:53+00:00

This is strategic narc behaviour, one is to keep an ex in orbit in case there's a chance of sex in the future, and two ti use the ex in triangulation scenarios against the new partner, it keeps the new partner insecure especially if they are in arguments "I can't be that bad I'm friends with my exes! It must be you!"

candyfox84 · 2021-08-01T18:20:01+00:00

Personally, I don’t stay friends with exes and I don’t make friends with men, period. A few of my male colleagues are close enough that I would consider them acquaintances but I wouldn’t hang out with them outside of work. 99% of the time, this is a mistake and creates a toxic work environment, unless it’s a sanctioned work event or public hang out, like a happy hour. I’ve debated this a few times on this platform, there is a heavy nuance of pick-me in the justifications that women make. That’s my opinion. Men are draining, whether you realize it or not. Soon enough, he will want something from you.

Now I’m not preaching anything I haven’t learned the hard way. But I’m in my thirties now and convinced this is true.

Sakurablossom90 · 2021-08-01T10:34:49+00:00

I find it odd to be friends with exes, but that'd because in experience they are always still interested and then stuff happens behind your back 🙄 so I'm not friends with any of my exes nor do I have their numbers or anything at all.

My ex is still in my life unfortunately because we have a child together and despite his abusive behaviour and narcissistic tendencies I have no choice otherwise il end up with unpaid work or jail time, so I have him in my life until child is 18.

Edit: I am 30 if that matters any

extragouda · 2021-08-01T05:36:28+00:00

[permanently deleted]

_electrafire · 2021-08-01T22:02:00+00:00

Narcs are known to be more likely to keep exes as “friends”

Busy-Transition-5186 · 2021-08-01T06:50:49+00:00

I am 21 year old female and I can say the same thing about gen z as well. I do not understand the reason behind this behaviour just ended 2 year relationship with a LVM and haven’t been in contact with him once and I am not planning to be in contact with him ever again the same thing with my previous ex after we were done I deleted everything off my phone pictures, his number etc and I was done with him I think we were in contact once over the past 3-4 years. The amount of females I see that put up with boys who pop up every 3 months in their DM’s just to talk about how good things used to be is disgusting why would you even waist your time on such boys it’s ridiculous they are not being nice they are trying to see if you’re available for a shag ladies 🙄

ChocolateBiscuit96 · 2021-08-01T17:57:34+00:00

Never a good idea. Whenever things went south, the guy would always want to remain friends with me. So in other words, you’re the problem and you know it bc if I’m such a terrible person, you would want to cut all ties.

raggedclaws_silentCs · 2021-08-01T20:48:36+00:00

She is trying to make her ex’s new girlfriend jealous but in the process she looks like a 🤡

BoldBlackManta · 2021-08-02T00:05:53+00:00

In the past few years there has been a real push for this narrative that if you aren't friends with any of your exes, you aren't mature and there must be something wrong with you. Complete bull pucky. I have one, maybe two exes from early high school that I would talk to if I ran into them - because we were basically children when we dated, and it was only for a few months each.

I've just got no reason at all to stay in touch with someone I was in a serious relationship with. Why would I? There are so many (too many) people in the world, I don't need to hold onto the ones that I decided didn't make the cut. I also don't see how it would be more mature to keep the past around like that. Seems like a great way to muddy the waters of your social life.

I actually had an emotionally abusive ex be more upset that I wouldn't "stay friends" with him than he was about us breaking up! His idea of "being friends" with me was to message me pictures of female celebrities and talk about how big their boobs were (a behavior that was completely new for him, it could only have been meant to hurt me). That lasted about three days and I said bye forever, you're dead to me now.

cellard00r18 · 2021-08-01T13:06:26+00:00

I’m tired of people acting like it’s OK to be friends with your ex or keep them added on social media. I was talking about this with some of my female coworkers and they said they’d be OK if their boyfriend had some exes added. What’s funny is that these people end up having problems later on for the same issue because they decided to act like they’re cool about it. Or I found that they try to say they’re cool with their significant other having exes added because they want to have their own ex added. Cut to weeks or months later one girl is saying the guy she’s talking to keeps saying his ex who is his friend is his soul mate and she’s bothered by it. Or the other girl saying someone her bf hooked up with before messaged him and she’s uncomfortable. Or the other coworker that kept in contact with her ex and how they started talking romantically again… hmm so you kept in contact w him and still had feelings for him even though you were seeing other people… interesting. I cut off my exes or past flings. Makes life easier and there’s no potential for problems

bioqueen53 · 2021-08-02T00:43:56+00:00

I think the only ex I keep in touch with is someone I was friends with, dated for like a week, and we mutually realized that dating was not right for us and we were better off as friends. Even then, we talk maybe once a year since we don't even live in the same city. I'm not in touch with any other exes, and don't think I could do that with anyone I had s-x with.

CroneRaisedMaiden · 2021-08-02T02:18:02+00:00

Nah I won’t do it anymore

dkwantsdk · 2021-08-02T19:15:00+00:00

You just inspired me to block all my exes and their wives/exes and their flying monkeys. Even ones from 15 years ago.

seashellsupplier · 2021-08-03T09:31:48+00:00

My ex broke up with me and asked to stay friends because I was his best friends and he still wanted me in his life (🙄). I was pickme in every other way back then but I said no. My thoughts immediately went to what happens when one of us has a new partner and how awkward it would be. So I said no and stuck by it. I was kind of bummed that he never contacted me again (pick me tendencies) until I found out he started dating someone new about 6 months after we broke up. We would have had a weird FWB situation until he got together with someone else and I realized he never wanted nor valued my friendship or companionship. Lesson learned.

EfficientTackle · 2021-08-01T09:16:37+00:00

Im friendly with a few exes but not friends. There is a difference.

I also dont understand the opposite approach from what seems to be many younger people - where they completely like... delete all photos and scrub any evidence of having been with the person from their sm/lives (obviously this isnt applicable to situations where abuse occured). That, too, takes a huge amount of energy and seems petty/emotionally immature. It was a relationship, its happened, its over... now just move on. The end.

_queeeen_ · 2021-08-01T20:43:29+00:00

If you’re part of the same social circle and things didn’t totally blow up (or one person is excommunicated due to their LV behavior) I think it’s fine to keep it civil and a light relationship. If you WANT to. But if they were a stranger or distant acquaintance with no other real ties, it’s probably better to cut your losses. Sometimes people retain relationships with exes as an emotional crutch and mechanism to prevent feeling the full injury of the rejection/loss. I’m pro-healing, so I’d say cut it off, grieve, and move on intact and stronger than before.

ChocoBananza · 2021-08-02T06:52:27+00:00

I think that context here is important. Like, I’m not in contact, let alone friends with my ex fiancés, but I am friends with men that are HV, but it turned out that we weren’t compatible. And I’m talking after a few dates, maybe even a couple months fling.

Of course, I never stayed in touch with those who disrespected me or have cheated on me. That would be weird, and a massive 🚩 on my side.

Ghost_namesake · 2021-08-01T21:08:45+00:00

Keeping up a friendship with an ex is just weird (unless there are kids involved). What a waste of time. It screams of the inability to move on... So desperate and pathetic. Being civil or cordial is one thing, but texting each other and doing other friendship stuff is clingy can't-move-on behavior. Gross

Edited: changed can to can't. I meant "can't move on"

Title	Keeping in contact with Exes
Author	Adventurous_River_64
Upvotes	436
Comments	64
Date	August 1, 2021 4:43 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ovluwn/keeping_in_contact_with_exes/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/keeping-in-contact-with-exes.796403 https://theredarchive.com/post/796403

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