“My love language is PhYSiCal TouCh”

You know what men mean when they say this. Your mileage may vary on whether the four love languages are valid or not, but if it’s something you subscribe to, you’ve probably heard a man try to use this one to introduce his dick into the conversation.

There was a point in my dating life where my happiest moment was lying in bed with my partner, completely clothed and struggling to calm my brain down enough to sleep. My partner at the time was a light sleeper; if I shifted around too much he would wake up, and when he did he would put one arm around me and just lie still. That small, wordless gesture was so comforting, I would knock out within seconds.

That is what “physical touch” is to me. Not fucking.

In my hardcore pickme days I tried to find a common ground between my version and the average scrote’s, but so many men either lack nuance or refuse to acknowledge it. All that matters is his dick. ”My LoVe LanGuaGe is physical touch so you should give me head for two hours a day” or some shit.

I am so tired of men weaponizing popular self-help books to convince us that their penis deserves to be the sun, moon, and stars of any relationship they find themselves in. We all know men stand to gain from emotional connection, too. They certainly don’t seem interested in having heavy conversations with their mates, no; they reserve that for feeeeemales because they don’t want to compromise their image! LV male friends will siphon emotional labor from us every chance they get.

I don’t need to know why they do it. I just wish they’d fucking stop. There is more to life than the next opportunity to jackhammer your tiny penis into a warm body. Don’t even get me started on how it’s so important for them to get their dick wet but half of these physical touch motherfuckers couldn’t make a woman cum to save their lives. Can y’all do literally anything else but screech about your peepees? Are y’all that bankrupt of true connection in your lives that looking down your own pants is the only thing on your mind at any given time? Just STAHP.