I have never posted before today but I have nobody to talk to and I’ve had a rough weekend. Please be kind.

As background, I am a professional with multiple degrees and good paying but very stressful career ($150k+/yr). I earn 100% of income and have for years. No kids. SAHW. I do more than my share of regular housework. I do all dishes, my own laundry, vacuum, yardwork, and clean washrooms. We live in a new house in a modern, safe subdivision. Our house is very clean and our yard is landscaped. I have never smoked, don’t do any drugs, drink a beer every few weeks with dinner at home, don’t go out, and essentially work hard and do everything she says. I’m average looking, clean-shaven and not overweight (I look great in a suit), but our intimacy is completely gone and we sleep in separate bedrooms. I always feel like I’m never good enough, yet she says that she is only person that cares for me in this world. I’m just confused, depressed, lonely, resentful, and starting to deeply regret my decision to ever get married.

I’ve never cheated, never lost money, been continuously employed over our marriage (15+ years), supported her completely through school, and am generally a really good husband. Just not the right one for her, it seems.

I am actually happier at the office even though it is a very stressful job, and would rather put up with that than come home to interact with my wife. At least at work, I can make my own decisions, not be yelled at for minor mistakes (not that I make many, but realistically we all do especially when we are extremely busy), and have a nice private office to hang out in. I don’t take any vacation time because she tells me she prefers when I’m not around. That one statement is brutal to hear, yet she also tells me that she cares about me. It’s so confusing because what I hear is she only wants the perfect version of me, yet I’m not perfect and can never be. But I’m really, really good, which frustrates me.

I have started to be asked if I contact my family without her knowing, which recently has made me feel weird because it never really occurred to me how controlling that is. I only ever talk to relatives when she is around and never email or phone without her present. I only have a few male friends and we see each other a maybe a half-dozen times a year. Writing that out is also weird and doesn’t seem normal to me. Is any of this normal for everyone else?

I have spent years being yelled because I don’t do something simple exactly the way she wanted, even if my way works just fine. I’ve become paralyzed with fear about doing anything on my own initiative and simply wait to be told what to do—which then irritates her because I’m not pro-active enough. But if I do something on my own it’s very likely not what she wanted done or I’ve done it wrong. I don’t know if it is an obsessive disorder, a control issue, if she is going through her own depression, or if I’m really just that bad at everyday things. It has seriously impacted my self-esteem and I don’t want to come home or do anything. I’m happy doing chores if it helps, but I’m paranoid that I’ll do it wrong, so I just do what is required as best as I can.

She is around menopause age so I’ve tried to figure that out change by reading books and articles, and learn about what that means as she seems to be getting worse with her uncontrollable anger. She was always picky and controlling, but it has gotten severe over the past few years. I suggested counselling but she rejected that completely with a lot of anger saying it was a ”waste of money” and they would just “believe me over her” as though it was a competition. I gave up on that idea. I also said I would do some confidential counselling myself through my employer but she told me not to do that either because it could jeopardize my job. I gave up on that too, and won’t do that secretly without her knowing.

I feel useless in my marriage and my self-esteem has slowly deteriorated over the past few years. I am called “lazy” and “selfish” but she has not worked for years, and I not only work, but don’t spend any money at all on myself. My paycheque gets automatically deposited into an account she controls. The last thing I can remember buying for myself was an inexpensive used video game two years ago. Writing this out just makes that seem surreal.

I can’t communicate with her because if I say anything I’m “arguing” and “being defensive” and am told to just shut up. There have been a few times where I’ve lost it and yelled back after and I was punished for that for literally months, even after I‘d profusely apologized for my outburst. It’s exhausting and there have been days that I would just sit and feel numb after being berated for literally hours over something simple that had no impact whatsoever on anything. Like how I dusted the house before vacuuming it, or how I stacked dishes to dry. I try, really I do. I’m a good man, loyal and do everything I’m asked.

You know what would be great? If I wasn’t anxious about coming home, maybe even to a wife that was even slightly happy to see me, give me a genuine hug, and only spend a minute teasing me and laughing about a silly, minor mistake that I made after I apologized for it. Then if I could have an hour of free time to play a video game or watch TV without being made to feel guilty about not being productive or earning money or “not being a grown man”, that would be so simple yet make me so happy. I am not asking for much just some peace, affection, and understanding.

I have just spent hours being yelled at this weekend over some incredibly minor mistakes I made doing housework (like how I dusted). I can’t anymore. I just can’t. I’m actually just writing this waiting for round three of yelling at me for something else I did “wrong”. This is destroying me inside when I know I am a really good person. I’m sure she is too, but just not with me…. because whatever it is that I do or who I am is not what she wants.

I know that divorce will financially destroy me, but if I stay I’m likely to destroy my mental self. I’m not sure which is worse. I don’t know anymore what is normal or what I should feel. I just feel numb and dead inside. And I don’t know what to do.

Thank you for reading this because it feels like somebody out there is listening to me, as sad as that sounds. Any genuine advice is welcome, but please be gentle, I’m not looking to be roasted here.