What would you consider going above and beyond?

esvle · 2021-10-22T14:39:11+00:00

I believe anything that takes up his time for your benefit would be a good definition. For example, if you mention that you need to pick up a book from the library before it closes but you’re at work and he offers to go get it. In other words, things that you would probably naturally do for a friend or boyfriend without even a second thought. I mention time because if someone has money or is just bad with money they will spend but it is meaningless whereas time is always valuable.

bookworm1896 · 2021-10-22T15:13:16+00:00

My now husband started working immediately after getting his bachelor degree, while I studied a subject that takes quite a long time to finish. The final exams (two weeks, 8 exams, each about 5 hours) were really important and I was scared shitless even month before they began. Without telling me before, my husband took holiday for these weeks, to be able to support me the whole time, cook for me, drive me to the exams, etc.

He is always very supportive, taking care of me, making me smile when I'm sad, etc.

jingks_ · 2021-10-22T15:17:52+00:00

My husband themed our first date around something that we have in common. Without going into too much detail, the first part was an activity we both enjoy, followed by dinner, followed by dessert at a specific place, and then coffee after. He had everything ready ahead of time and clearly put a lot of thought and effort into planning.

Every year for Christmas, my exes had gotten me super generic presents like massage gift cards (which I mean, massages are fine, but talk about low effort).

Our first Christmas together, after we’d been together officially for about 3-4 months, my husband got me an extremely thoughtful customized item. Small and not over the top, since we hadn’t been together too long at that point, but because he’d had it custom-made he must’ve put at least a least a month of planning into it.

That wasn’t just for show at the beginning, either. The other day he surprised me by decorating the whole house for fall (he knows I hate decorating but I like when the house is decorated!). He also planned an event this weekend with some friends that I’m really excited about. He’s been getting stuff ready for it every evening this week.

It’s really about the forethought and effort — it shows me that I’m part of his life and his thoughts, not an afterthought or like a plant that has to be watered occasionally.

Ok_Feeling_7702 · 2021-10-22T15:36:52+00:00

It has to be consistent. Even my abusive ex husband once made me homemade chicken noodle soup from his grandma’s recipe once when I was sick. The same man later on down the road did not give a shit when I was caring for two babies with a messed up foot I wasn’t supposed to be walking on. He just went to his man cave to surf the internet while I hobbled around in pain.

One gesture is nothing.

Quebeks · 2021-10-22T16:58:51+00:00

It was my mom’s birthday last weekend and I tried to get a reservation at one of her favorite restaurants and there weren’t any available. I told my boyfriend that we’d have to wait for a table when we got there. He said “why don’t I go there 30 minutes early and put our names down so you guys won’t have to wait so long?” This gesture made my mom tear up.

Edit:grammar

rf-elaine · 2021-10-22T14:18:46+00:00

When we were in our 20s my boyfriend and I built a gingerbread house together at Christmas. He said, I promise one day I'll build you a real house. We married the next year. He would repeat this promise every so often, and we talked about all the things we wanted in our new house.

Six years ago he found and we bought a tiny, run down house (1 floor, 1 bedroom) on a huge lot in a gorgeous neighbourhood in our city. Such a lucky find.

Five years ago he tore down the tiny garage and built a nice sized workshop.

Four years ago he tore the house down and built our home. I love it. We have a photo of that gingerbread house on a shelf in our living room.

vbych76 · 2021-10-22T16:10:55+00:00

Building me a winter garden and filling it with different /per season/flowers and plants. Same goes for a rose arch. Just because he heard me dreaming of one.

Imaginary-Newt-493 · 2021-10-22T13:56:39+00:00

My cat ( a giant 22 pound tomcat) was sick and I was struggling to get him to take his pills. My then boyfriend saw me upset, so he offered to take the cat to his house and give him his pills twice a day. He researched the best ways to give a cat a pill and took over (that cat scratched the shit out of him). He did not like the cat much, but he did not want him to suffer, and he wanted to take the burden of worry off of me. We have now been married for ten years. He is a great husband, HV all the way. I'm so glad I divorced an LVM. That cleared the path for my husband.

throwawaynevermindit · 2021-10-23T01:01:38+00:00

My mother died recently. When she called and asked me to take her to the hospital, my boyfriend drove me to pick her up and take her at a moment's notice though it was a 4 hour round trip. I stayed at his place (close to the hospital) during her weeks long stay and he generally supported me throughout. It was a big job as I was her only sound-minded, available "next of kin" and all responsibilities fell to me. When we were called about her being non responsive he took like 3 days off work to be with me, helped me make sure all relatives, whom he had never met, were comforted and had a chance to say goodbye (playing chauffeur among other things). He helped plan and pay for her memorial. We took my intellectually disabled brother, whose birthday was that weekend, off of my dad's hands to make sure he could celebrate and get gifts, and he paid for my brother's birthday breakfast too. He's still the only person who has seen me cry about my mother.

It might not be "above and beyond," but he really had my back under pressure, when I most needed someone. I and all my relatives were shocked by how genuinely caring and attentive he was to myself, to my brother, to everyone. It was more support than I've seen most years-married people provide to grieving spouses. Now I'm pretty sure my grandma is in love.

He also got my mother a V-day gift this year when he got me one. Considering it was her last Valentine's day that will always touch me, I'm glad he was here.

Risoa · 2021-10-22T19:26:21+00:00

Anything that lessons stress on you or that makes you genuinely happy that has no benefit to him other than him seeing you less stressed or more happy. A man needs to want to make your life better and happier, and he shouldn’t be doing things like this in a transactional manner or “keeping score.”

BasketLow8411 · 2021-10-22T19:16:40+00:00

Not a bf for me but my father: he overheard me telling my mom that I was interested in a particular kitchen gadget someday and it showed up in the mail less than a week later.

CandidKick · 2021-10-23T08:42:16+00:00

Oooo. So many. My husband is a HVM and it is night and day between him and a LVM.

He stands up for me against misogynistic men and pickme’s. He stands up for other women. He doesn’t befriend men that show red flags. When it comes to friendships, he is attracted to other healthy, HVM. These HVM are so warm and welcoming towards me.

My husband will complement me throughout the week-genuine complements-big and small.

He is also excited for my successes and never acts threatened when I excel. When I started a business and was stressing about one design aspect, he brainstormed some ideas and presented ones that fit my tastes, not his. He finds ways to help without me having to ask and without doing it to look good to others.

He doesn’t use my vulnerabilities against me. When we disagree, I never worry that things will escalate or that I will be insulted. He is very levelheaded while still voicing concerns.

In the bedroom: A+ Completely unselfish. I feel wanted, loved and safe. He never tries to hurt me or degrade me, etc. He does not watch porn. There is so much more for this section but I will say that women with LVM: it can be SO much better. Better than any movie for me.

A lot more to be said but if you ask about a certain aspect, I can focus on responding to that specific one. Maybe I should make a post about him.

OH, AND HE DOES NOT CALL WOMEN FEMALES.

aquietsword · 2021-10-22T19:30:21+00:00

I personally classify it as things that your average woman would not explicitly ask for as well as things that indicate that he really listens to you. We all know the stories where women explicitly ask for:

Effort on valentines day/birthdays/holidays Help around the house with chores Help managing children Actual foreplay Flowers Etc.

So to me those things don't really count.

Also, hv behavior shows in the way he does the small things. How does he engage with you in conversation? Is it a bunch of "k's" and "lol's" in text and not that much interest in person? When he does buy you a gift is it makeup/perfume since all girls must love it? Or is it something harry potter themed since he knows you love it? Or is it something ravenclaw themed because he knows that's your house?

sittingstillisfun · 2021-10-22T14:54:54+00:00

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years. He lives right next to a train station and so do I, 6km apart. Every single time we go on a date his has picked me up and taken me home, regardless of if I stayed the night or if the location was closer to me or him, he has never suggested I take the train or drive myself. I have never paid on a date. I have never paid for a weekend away or trip. My boyfriend also doesn’t take calls when he is with me. This shouldn’t even be noteworthy.

katiekat0214 · 2021-10-22T20:20:17+00:00

When I had the year from hell at one school, my now-late husband INSISTED on ordering food for us all the time, on his credit card (he was too weak to stand to cook; his health issues were significant). He knew all the hell and shenanigans that were going on in that school, and how stressed I was. We both knew he was declining, and his health was poor -- I saved his life four times by insisting he go to the ER. He made sure to keep the house clean and tidy (thank goodness we also had a lovely housekeeper who became chosen family), and he ran all kinds of errands, and was a very happy house-husband after he retired. He told me he knew all I did at work as a teacher, and all I did at home, so he wanted home to be as comfortable, relaxing, and stress-free as possible. And he never once declined to tickle me, which he knew I loved, since that's the most relaxing thing ever. He would do, and he did, absolutely anything he could for me, for us.

alsatiandarns · 2021-10-22T21:35:46+00:00

Love hearing about these HVMs and getting examples. What I’m gathering is that good signs are the way my best girlfriends and I take care of each other! Bringing each other supplies when we are sick, thoughtful birthday celebrations, noticing and remembering important details about each other’s lives, likes, and dreams!

hensbanex · 2021-10-22T16:18:11+00:00

this is an extremely small set of examples but along with all the other HVM behaviors, small habits really do add up. my fiancé doesn’t drink coffee and never has, yet he knows exactly how to make and order any drink at any coffee shop I frequent, and every morning when I wake up, he has coffee ready for me. he also dislikes peanuts and chocolate, yet knows all the names of the candies and treats that I like enough to pick them up to surprise me. he makes as much money as I do (sometimes a little less) yet still gives me full access to his money, and says every so often “my money is your money” but has never expected any of mine. it’s just a general aura of responsibility, generosity, and being conscientious of the needs of people he cares about.

Andalusian_Dawn · 2021-10-22T14:37:40+00:00

My husband chased me, and went out of his way to make me feel valued. When we had only dated for about 2 weeks, I had to go to the ER. When he found out, he was there immediately, drive me home, made dinner, and pretty much waited on me hand and foot.

He has continued that behavior for 12 years, even after marriage. He does 70% of the housework without being asked, will do romantic gestures just because, never watches porn (that I know of), I ALWAYS get off first, and we both communicate with each other. He also will go do activities that I am interested in. He's an extreme introvert, so he doesn't have many friends, which does concern me sometimes, but everyone loves him, including animals and small children.

I will tease that I'm more of the husband because I make more money than him, but it doesn't bother him or make him insecure. He is the epitome of a HVM, unless six digits a year is necessary.

TAALLY · 2021-10-22T19:46:37+00:00

For me its being prepared and planning ahead. This lets me know that they are dependable and trustworthy.

Woah, wait. . . . This should be a standard. . . . Damn I guess the bar is low. . . . 🙃

VanessaViews · 2021-10-23T00:32:10+00:00

My fiance washes my hair for me in the bathtub like I'm at the salon when I've gotten micro blading and can't get my brows wet.

Sunshine_Daisies2525 · 2021-10-22T15:07:06+00:00

Would bring you on work trips so you don’t spend time apart (especially if he travels often). If your family lives abroad, he would plan and pay for trips so you spend time with them, and he would be considered part of the family too. When your schedules don’t match, he would get up earlier just to spend time with you, make your coffee, do baby yoga with you if you’re pregnant.

Takes you out on great-quality dates! You’d be surprised how many men stop taking their wives/girlfriends out once they settle down. If you guys aren’t doing super cool activities together on dates, and not connecting or engaging at a deeper level-what’s the point? All the girly stuff you would do with friends. Take pottery/cooking/art classes together, go on wine-tasting/art/history/architecture tours. Try water sports, go hiking (only when you’re sure he’s HV please), rent-out an airbnb with friends, etc, etc. The kind of stuff he would do with friends but he enjoys doing with you even more.

Specific-Composer300 · 2021-10-22T17:42:41+00:00

I think if it's something you did not expect at all and were pleasantly suprised by and which took effort on his part (time, money, emotional and physical labor, etc). And it must also take sacrifice. Eg if you have plumbing issues at home and he drops by after work to fix the problem, this should be expected if he's your boyfriend. However if he leaves early from work and drives over to you to fix the problem then and there immediately, I'd say this is going above and beyond, even though it's a pretty small issue. He's sacrificing his work day which means he'll be paid less or have to make up the work that night/the next day. If he just swings by on his way home after work he's not really sacrificed anything aside from time, but he might have gone to visit you anyway so then he's not even sacrificing additional time.

Ugythrowaway123 · 2021-10-22T19:53:55+00:00

When you just mention you want to go somewhere/ want something and he gets it/books it immediately.

daisy_0720 · 2021-10-23T14:56:36+00:00

This whole thread is giving me warm and glowy feelings. Such a good reminder never to settle, especially when my family and friends go above and beyond for me on the regular.

greenshadownymph · 2021-10-23T00:48:43+00:00

My friend bought a house in another state after his wife was accepted into a masters degree program in that state. Then he packed up and moved there to be with her while she's working on her degree. His job is online so he can go wherever, but it meant leaving all his friends behind and living in a strange place.

xfelugirlx · 2021-10-23T01:49:57+00:00

It’s about consistency, my friend is more hv than my narcissist ex. I tell my friend that i need something or i want and don’t have time to go and get it, he send it to my house. Also is something that doesn’t benefit them, something caring and empathetic

donttextme_k · 2021-10-22T21:06:26+00:00

I think everything is bare minimum if I’m being completely honest, all efforts and even consistency.

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