Q4M: What is better to you, being given a chance or not wasting your time?

Illustrious_Wish_383 · 2021-12-28T04:54:32+00:00

Honest answer: I wouldn't want to go out with a woman who felt like, in her mind, she was doing me some kind of magnanimous favor by gracing lowly me with her presence. Nor would I want to feel as though I had to act like a salesman who needs this commission to make rent just to convince her to stick around..being an "acquired taste" doesn't sound like much of a compliment either.

Mrs_Drgree · 2021-12-28T01:50:17+00:00

[permanently deleted]

NockerJoe · 2021-12-28T01:53:51+00:00

A low effort coffee date is fine. A flat no is also fine. If you aren't into it you just aren't. Where I draw the line is ghosting after a date you weren't feeling. A message about how it isn't working out goes a long way to me compared to sitting around wondering.

redditappannoying117 · 2021-12-28T02:46:09+00:00

You do you; but personally at 28 I generally only bother pursuing girls that I get a lot of interest/effort from.

When I was younger I didn't mind the 8 or 9 who might "give me a chance" but not have a lot of interest initially; sometimes it paid off, most of the time it didn't 🤷‍♂️

If it feels "iffy" or she's not really that responsive via text; I'll just ghost and move on to the next.

So to answer your question it depends; Younger me is cool with getting the chance; Older me doesn't like to waste time/effort.

dbz19 · 2021-12-28T02:53:24+00:00

100% not wasting my time.

Barely-moral · 2021-12-28T02:03:42+00:00

I rather have a chance. It is on me to stop seeing someone I see no future with. It is on me to communicate in a way that gets me enough information to get to that point.

baresquad · 2021-12-28T03:24:16+00:00

I rather just not waste hers or my time. I don’t really believe in the whole convince somebody to date me thing and I’m honestly not even looking for something serious enough for that to be a factor

To me it’s like trying to prove to somebody why I’d be a good partner or why we’d be a good fit together when I just rather operate under the idea that “If she wanted to she would” as opposed to “I can get her to like me if she just gives me a chance”

Apprehensive_Boat_70 · 2021-12-28T03:30:02+00:00

Not wasting my time definetly, i ve seen outrageous things like a woman straight up saying "I have to pretend that i like him because his ego is fragile" like wtf? And at the same time she says " he has to show that he is into me" but that aint a fragile ego according to her, I would rather be told No than to deal with that Bullc***, It's not like im missing something anyways.

DOSGAMES · 2021-12-28T03:05:51+00:00

This is a tough one because, when it’s a hypothetical Reddit scenario it’s easy for a guy to say he’d rather get the one date. But that’s because there isn’t any real emotional investment, when nothing is at stake.

But people are unpredictable when it comes to rejection and I worry you’d end up fielding a lot of post-date bullshit and hostility from the guys you stop seeing.

I’d recommend you kind of compromise between the two options.

Most guys just want girls to give them the benefit of the doubt. Especially when it comes to OLD/Swipe based Dating Apps.

I’ve helped/discussed Online Dating with some of my female friends and goddamn is it easy for a guy to get “disqualified”.

With all this being said, I encourage people to do as many first dates as possible.

I went on maybe 12 first dates in 2019/Pre-COVID and even though some dates were rough, the experience made me way better at navigating the modern dating scene.

So if anything, get out there and go on lots of dates for your own benefit. We are adults, so long as you are honest and upfront, who cares if the occasional guy has his ego damaged. That’s his problem not yours.

h1shman · 2021-12-28T04:54:10+00:00

I would first try and figure out what’s wrong with you or the men you are going out with. Repeated failures is caused by one or both of these things.

Habil13 · 2021-12-28T08:27:36+00:00

When you do something you don’t like it feels like a chore. If you aren’t interested in me I’d rather be told so, instead of wasting my time and more importantly invest my emotions.

wtknight · 2021-12-28T01:48:19+00:00

I think I'd always prefer to get the dating experience even if she's not that into me as long as I'm not paying for her date too. It's better than sitting at home alone.

old_wise_man_ · 2021-12-28T04:33:18+00:00

Time is the most valued resource we have. I prefer to not waste it

2021-12-28T06:25:52+00:00

Do not waste people's time. Its exhausting for them. Not only that but its a bad habit to multi date too much. If you get used to it you may never want to settle or give a good person the energy necessary for a committed relationship. Well multi dating personally damaged my ability to commit i think. I also read there is a sweet spot for number of partners and being able to settle down. Once that point is passed people start having a hard time settling down even when they try.

WilliamWyattD · 2021-12-28T11:54:19+00:00

I applaud your attempt. I firmly believe that people have more agency to adjust their standards than most people think. And that if done right, this doesn't have to lead to a deadbedroom when one eventually realizes they can't change their standards.

That said, the power of culture can be strong. There is a limited amount of ability to change one's standards even if culture has artificially inflated them beyond achievable levels. So I think one has to be thoughtful with respect to trying to change things.

Thus, I disagree with just accepting any date. This is not going to be as easy as just dating everyone and finding out that you are super sexually attracted to way less conventionally attractive guys than you thought. I think you will need to work harder than that. Society is going to keep bombarding you with images or amazingly good looking guys with money and status. Your sexual selectivity and hypergamy are going to be constantly triggered.

So I'd start smaller. Don't accept any date. But be open to guys who you kinda find cute but not hot as fuck, but also seem to have other redeeming qualities. Use some discretion. And try to really think about what it is making it hard for you to find non-Chads hot. Often, just an attitude change can do a fair amount. Looking at someone and trying to find them attractive can make a world of difference over looking at them and trying to find them ugly.

Also look into your social circle and social media usage. Are your friends going to put you down for being with guys that aren't up to a certain looks standard? Can this be fixed? If you are secretly ashamed of a guy's looks, then it is quite hard to get sexually excited over him.

Pastelitomaracucho · 2021-12-28T15:34:01+00:00

I don't want breadcrumbs or being one of the options. So no time wasting for me.

MalePsychopath · 2021-12-28T02:41:26+00:00

I would pick the option "being given a chance" because your first impression of someone can be quite wrong. Happened to me with a female friend. She told me that she didn’t like me in the beginning but then, as she got to know me better, she changed her mind.

And isn’t the point of a date to get to know someone better? Maybe you will like each other or maybe you won’t. That’s the game that we’re playing.

Personally, I wouldn’t even consider a failed date wasted time as long as both people genuinely tried. It’s just part of the process and inevitable because you’re not compatible with everyone. And a bad date will become a funny story that you can tell from now on.

If you want to do this New Year resolution thing, I would advise you to do the following. Only say yes to a date if you don’t find the guy physically ugly. You won’t be able to overcome the visceral repulsion no matter how much chemistry there is otherwise.
If you feel at least neutral about his looks, you‘ll be able to develop genuine attraction. If you’re worried about the money aspect, just pick cheap/free dates or insist on paying your part.

6negative4 · 2021-12-28T02:20:37+00:00

Definitely don't give them a shot. Else when there's no second date they will think they did something wrong.

EstablishmentKooky50 · 2021-12-28T12:47:18+00:00

Sure, i would go out with women who are not super into me as long as they don't insist on me paying the bills (if that's the case you kinda know what really is going on), hence i think it's a good thing that you are genuinely happy to go Dutch..

What is there to lose? In the worst case we had a boring talk and a second class meal/coffee, and will never talk again, but I am still richer with experience which is good value and worth it in any case. I don't think meeting with new people is ever a "waste of time" there's always more to learn.

What is there to gain? The chance that you find the person you didn't even know you were looking for.

I think you made the right call, good luck!

wub1234 · 2021-12-28T16:32:37+00:00

When I was younger, I would have gone out on a date with you, even if I thought I had 1% chance.

I dated lots of women, weren't always magical dates, but no-one can ever say that I didn't try.

Mark_Freed · 2021-12-28T17:17:09+00:00

I used to be on the “give the guy a chance” camp until recently when this girl gave me a chance.

It’s clear she isn’t into me, she is giving me a chance for the past few months and I’m so into her that it hurts.

Now I look back on all my other crushes with fondness… how they rejected me so quickly and the pain didn’t last this long.

When you give a guy a chance and he is really into you, then he has that hope that it might work out. But the fact is, a lot of this stuff is decided quite early. It’s unlikely you’ll suddenly like him after a few weeks of knowing him. You know deep down this won’t work. So does he. This giving a chance is just delaying the inevitable. It’s causing him to die a slow painful death.

So now I’m on the camp of rip the bandaid quickly, give a clear direct rejection. That’s kindness…

But hey I might be wrong and maybe you are the kinda girl who genuinely can come to love the guy. I’m only concerned if this chance you are giving is a real one. I know you want to give a chance. I’m sure both of you wish it would out.

But attraction can’t be negotiated and system 1 is fast. It doesn’t take this long to compute attraction.

But from the guys point of view…. I’d still take the chance. It hurts but I am willing to bet on that small chance that it works out. I can’t walk away when she is willing to make this work.

But I wish everyday that this uncertainty ends.

midwesternMD · 2021-12-28T17:44:12+00:00

Honestly, it depends. When I’m struggling to keep stories straight between multiple conversations, I would prefer to only meet those who are already fairly excited about me. If it’s been a long enough dry spell, I’d rather meet someone who’s lukewarm on the off chance there is chemistry- it’s fun meeting new people anyway.

For what I think you’re trying to express, I would suggest thinking more critically about your must-haves and dealbreakers, and sticking with 2-3 of each as hard requirements. If deep down you can tell that there’s no attraction, pass on him. And if you’re not sure, maybe then give him a chance.

But this is as a guy. I‘ll never have firsthand experience of what dating can be like for women. So take it all with a grain of salt.

Perseus_the_Bold · 2021-12-28T18:13:22+00:00

Have you identified the sources of your failures in dating? That is where all inquiry and work should start.

I don't think saying yes to every man who asks you out is going to help you. You are going to end up wasting a lot of time with guys that you already knew from first impressions that you're not going to be into.

Personally I would rather not have my time wasted. I have seen guys waste a ton of effort, time and money on lukewarm women who ended up dumping them anyway after "giving them a chance." Speaking for those guys I would say don't waste our time. A man can make better use of his time spending it on a girl that is actually into him.

Xemnas81 · 2021-12-28T18:38:49+00:00

Isn't most dating based off giving someone a chance? I.e. . some attraction but uncertainty whether it will work out.

manfrom-nantucket · 2021-12-28T19:04:30+00:00

The younger me would say - given a chance

The older me would say - not wasting my time

The older I get the less I find women to be worth the investment of time. Time I can't manufacture. There will always be another woman.

Laytheblameonluck · 2021-12-28T20:17:31+00:00

I think you should stop trying to date altogether but instead go through a period of sexual abstinence.

Like most men your age do.

S0mnariumx · 2021-12-29T01:47:06+00:00

I'd rather be given a chance. If I asked someone out, spending some time with them is time well spent even if it doesn't work out plus rejection sucks.

trail22 · 2021-12-29T21:32:45+00:00

I dont want to pay for 200 dollar dinner date; but I dont live in a world where getting the validation of an attractive women accepting on and going on a coffee date is worth more then the 15 minutes I would actually spend on a date.

Do most men here really get so many dates that rejection for a 15 minute coffee date is worse then wasting the 15 minutes on the date?

angels-fan · 2021-12-30T03:07:05+00:00

Working on my relationships is important to me

Dumps a guy that says you'd look good as a blonde

🤔

MxCmrn · 2021-12-30T23:37:23+00:00

Have a blast, be safe, be honest. It sounds like a great idea. Besides, everyone can use some dating practice

omegajelly200 · 2021-12-28T03:20:31+00:00

Here's the thing with women who always want to default to vetting guys first for their looks: Girls are always going to be super picky with looks and the guys who do pass their looks-first filter are going to be the super handsome ones that have plenty of options, every single time. 80-20 rule.

At the same time, don't say yes to all dates either. Try to vet first for personality rather than looks. Have a thought experiment for yourself : do you see yourself in a relationship with this guy even if you can't see him or if the relationship goes long enough that you are normalized with no more TINGLES and SPARKLESS over his looks?

So basically I’m asking, would you rather go out with a girl who may not be super into you at first who wants to try things out and see where they go aka “given a chance” or would you rather just not have your time wasted?

From my experience girls like this will then flake on me on the second date onward. They have too much of a buffet of better-looking guys that 'trying things out' doesn't even last too long for them.

M3taBuster · 2021-12-28T07:58:30+00:00

If I was married to my partner for decades, and one day I found out that when we first met, she wasn't really attracted to me and just "gave me a chance" out of pity or what have you, and then "grew to like me over time", due to my personality or whatever else... it would absolutely devastate me and potentially ruin our marriage.

If you aren't immediately, viscerally, sexually attracted to me, please do me a favor and reject me so I can find someone who is. And if nobody is, then I have more self-improving to do, until I either make it or die trying.

DeliciousPussyNectar · 2021-12-28T16:20:19+00:00

being given a chance

You mean you’re not interested but because I gave you attention you’ll let me hang around till you find something better?

Also when did I fucking tell you that you were allowed to date again?

StarchRunner · 2021-12-28T02:11:59+00:00

Don’t waste my time.

EnteFetz · 2021-12-28T05:17:31+00:00

I'm definitely on the side of prefer to gmbe given a chance, because for me it is usually several months between dates because I can't find women who show any interest in me.

ogsimpology · 2021-12-28T07:53:53+00:00

I can't afford the "stop wasting my time".

I'm not charming nor am I wildly attractive. I need time.

So being given a chance to prove someone that I'm a good match for them is just what I need.

My wife gave me a chance to charm her over time. And it totally worked. She was super nice about it, and was simply not interested in me before I proved myself as someone she actually would be interested in.

Standard-Logic · 2021-12-28T01:54:06+00:00

The only way for you to possibly to benefit from this question is if the men post their pictures as well, and you get looksmatched to know where your league is.

Men who have options would never care for being "given a chance", and men who are in a desert may be happy to get a sip of water, unless they're stubborn, resentful, and self-defeating.

BlKaiser · 2021-12-28T09:02:41+00:00

A chance? Sure, as long as you have the time and you remember that the other person is a person with feelings and not an npc, why not. I can understand the other people opinions about wasting time but frankly you can't live under the fear of "wasting my time" all the time. Try new things, you never know how it could go and most importantly you never know what you can learn. Personally, there's not a single thing I've tried and haven't learn something from it, even if it didn't work in the end.

Shredddz · 2021-12-28T10:20:51+00:00

people can take it slow if they want, but then you cant demand any more commitment than your giving, and the reality is that it always ends up in usage of the mans time and resources, even if its unintentional and not noticed, because they take it for granted.

and the issue is that male non sexual attention and time is way more valuable than the womens non sexual time and attention.

Also you cant make someone wait if you did not wait for someone else, because that proves that you dont need it and only deploy it out of less or no real attraction.

and if I have options, Im not gonna wait and invest time for a women if I can have another one who is into me from the start, because she is more attracted to me period. Thats never goes well. you dont need that much time to fall in love. All you need is seeing them and perceiving them in personal interactions towards each other when you are somewhat familiar. there is no point beyond that.

Stunning-Spirit5275 · 2021-12-28T07:42:02+00:00

Women fall in love with a man for what he provides for her, materially and emotionally. Men fall in love with a woman for how she makes him feel

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Mrs_Drgree · 2021-12-28T01:57:09+00:00

[permanently deleted]

NinjaOfTheSouth · 2021-12-28T02:10:48+00:00

For me personally I would rather be given the chance if she’s into me. Then I can figure if we like each other and stuff like that. But if I’m being used I’d rather not waste my time.

undersupervixen · 2021-12-28T02:32:18+00:00

Hmmm. I can't really say that I care. I mostly want to find out if people are interesting and if we click or not. I don't mind if someone's unsure and is willing to see where things go, but someone who's hell no but tolerating me because they have some dare or new years resolution sounds like watching paint dry.

dysonRing · 2021-12-28T02:56:57+00:00

You will be more attracted to their face over time 100% guaranteed, that is how our brains work, they will not turn into a model but at least a 5 can turn into a fake 7 over time.

That said I would preface it that you are an free spirit and want to give it a shot (of course never risk anything) and that you are adamant about going dutch.

When dating down beware of the man that thinks you are out of his league, because he will very very likely grow jealous out of fear of losing you of you enter into a relationship.

PlayfulLawyer · 2021-12-28T03:11:03+00:00

If I asked her out there had to have been some attraction there so definitely given the chance if afterwards she's not into me or my personality didn't do it or the chemistry just wasn't there, so be it

razormachine · 2021-12-28T03:49:26+00:00

Having a cup of coffee together sounds just great.

Even if we do not click I am probably going to have a fun time.

pubgmisc · 2021-12-28T10:25:57+00:00

Most men are just not sexually active with women like that lol (the 10-20% are)

abaxeron · 2021-12-28T11:05:20+00:00

So basically I’m asking, would you rather go out with a girl who may not be super into you at first who wants to try things out and see where they go aka “given a chance” or would you rather just not have your time wasted?

100% honest answer:

depends on my thirst level.

If I've been deprived of simple human contact for the last couple years (which happened), an evening of friendly hand-holding will be worth 5 hours of my time and several hundred bucks.

If I'm at manageable levels of thirst, and she's not sure, then I'm not sure I want to spend more than 2 hours and pay more than half of the expenses.

heyitsjeape · 2021-12-28T13:05:30+00:00

I think you can’t do one without the other. If you’re going to “give people a chance,” you’ll need to suspend your reservations and act as thought you’re really interested in them - for a period at least - to truly find out if you’re missing something. If you go into it with the attitude that you probably won’t like them but you guess you’ll give it a try, you’re probably not learning anything new. Also, if you really want to “improve yourself,” stop using the word “like” in the beginning of sentences or to hedge whatever you’re about to say next. It looks terrible.

ExcelAcolyte · 2021-12-28T14:14:24+00:00

So you are announcing to the internet that you are not going to turn down dates? RIP inbox.

PMmeareasontolive · 2021-12-28T16:34:32+00:00

I'd rather be given a chance re: messages. Many women are like "you didn't reply by x amount of time, block". Also I suck at writing interesting first text messages, I'm one of those people who text for information only usually. I kind of hate attempts at flirting via text the way a lot of people hate bullshit small talk at parties. So I'd hope a woman would hang in there and help get some kind of conversation going even if it started slow.

As far as meeting anyone, I tried that and it didn't work. I could tell from their online profile we 99% had nothing in common, and it was true in real life. If you are an extrovert maybe this would be fun for you anyway, but I'm not into it.

Can't you tell from their online presence whether you might have anything in common with them before you meet them?

throwaway316stunner · 2021-12-28T18:35:58+00:00

I’m not really sure.

You say be “given a chance,” but here’s the thing: How much of a chance do I actually have? Do I even truly have a chance to begin with? Or would be both just be kidding ourselves if we were to go on this hypothetical date?

chilikettlechips · 2021-12-28T18:45:05+00:00

As a shorty I'd rather not waste your time. I am ackshually not allowed to say waste my time.

A few years ago I got to the point where I realized it was a requirement for 90% of women. So I just ask, "do you have a height requirement?" and I'm able to uno reverso filter out the women that do. And now my romantic life is a lot less ambiguous.

I imagine a few women since then have decided to "give it a chance" and it 90% of the time ends up with no followup date. Keep in mind women actually expect me to pay for this experience of confirming for them that they have a height requirement after all, what a favor, what a chance, much wow, much growth, thank you

StacksFifthAve · 2021-12-28T21:28:59+00:00

A genuine chance and/or opportunity is always preferred.

Don’t waste my time thinking you’re doing me a favor or because you’re on the business end of a carrot and stick game with some guy you’re fucking.

adumbswiftie · 2021-12-28T23:34:38+00:00

I’m a woman but my 2 cents is that I’ve been on both sides of this. I’ve said yes to a guy I didn’t think I was into, and that ended badly. Never developed feelings/attraction to him and broke up with him within 2 months. It wasn’t a terrible breakup but he was definitely really into me at that point and I felt horrible.

I also recently made the first move with a guy who went on two dates with me and then ended things bc he didn’t want a relationship. It felt great at first when he gave me a chance, but now, I wish he would’ve rejected me in the first place bc it hurt more when things ended. Granted he might have actually been atttacted to me and genuinely just didn’t want the relationship but still.

In my experience “giving someone a chance” doesn’t really work and developing attraction later on when there was none at first seems to be a myth

fwoketrash · 2021-12-29T10:10:30+00:00

Not wasting my time. When I was dating (married now so no longer applies), I learned (though wasting unnecessary time, unfortunately) that the second I get cues that a girl is even slightly uninterested to just friend-zone her immediately.

There were enough obviously interested girls so it made no sense to waste time with girls who weren't. FYI, it's nice for your social circle to friend-zone those 'lukewarm' girls because having them around does actually attract genuinely interested women (assuming they are nice people and pleasant to have around - which a majority are if you don't live in the west).

Intrepid_Place5390 · 2021-12-29T12:44:34+00:00

In terms of bettering your dating life. What is your goal. Do you have one?

Have you reflected on what you want in a guy? What you find attractive. What is important for you in a ltr.

Date with purpose But you need to know what that purpose is

Kentucky_Supreme · 2021-12-29T20:25:40+00:00

I think if you go purely from your 5 second first impression, you will only be drawn to "Chads and Tyrones".

I don't know what mechanism fundamentally drives women's attraction/interest but all I do know is what I've experienced.

Dating apps are a total shit show. I've gotten matches and dates but for every match, there's probably 1000 women that rejected me for who knows what. The last 3 women i spoke to on Hinge unmatched me out of nowhere after only a few messages. They never asked me any questions or anything. Why did they even match in the first place if they weren't interested? What could they have possibly learned about me in only a few text messages that would totally kill any and all interest they had when they initially matched? It truly baffles me.

Whereas in real life, out of the women that have actually spent time around me and gotten to know me at least a LITTLE bit, my odds seem to be WAY better. Maybe something like 1/5. (Vs the 1/10,000 odds that I seem to have online).

My point is that online I think women tend to make split second decisions based on immediate first impressions. Looking for any reason at all to reject no matter how significant or trivial. But in real life where she can't just "delete" someone, guys seem to have a better chance.

Aldabruzzo · 2021-12-28T14:16:07+00:00

I'd rather my time not be wasted. If you're not immediately sexually attracted to me, if you don't want to fuck me before we've gone out, then I'd rather you just politely said "no thanks" and went on your way.

I'd also rather you didn't nuke reject me. Don't make a scene. Don't lose your shit. Just say no, politely, firmly, quietly, and discreetly, and keep it moving.

ScholarMore5267 · 2021-12-28T17:23:22+00:00

You sound very entitled. Don't waste our time.

Title	Q4M: What is better to you, being given a chance or not wasting your time?
Author	livs4dietdrpepper
Upvotes	24
Comments	194
Date	December 28, 2021 1:44 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/rq3ap4/q4m_what_is_better_to_you_being_given_a_chance_or/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4m-what-is-better-to-you-being-given-a-chance-or.1090311 https://theredarchive.com/post/1090311

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