This is extremely difficult for me to write about, and it’s something that I’ve thought about for quite some time. So please bear with me if my thoughts aren’t organized.

Thinking about this always brings tears to my eyes and makes me livid. I am sure others can relate to my story.

I am almost 30 years old. A majority of my 20s was spent with a man who wasted my time promising marriage, 7 years to be exact. A portion of my late 20s was also spent with a man who consistently lied to me about how much I meant to him, and the things he would sacrifice/give up to be with me.

To no surprise, both of these men strung me along for years. They picked up on my incredibly low self esteem and self worth, and knew I would tolerate empty promises and less than the bare minimum. In your 20s, you think you have all the time in the world. You are naive enough to believe that people are being honest about their intentions with you, and are excited about a future together.

Now that I’m approaching 30, I really feel like I wasted the best years of my life on men who truly didn’t deserve it. In my 20s, I saw many people I knew happily getting engaged and married within a reasonable timeframe. As much as I was happy for them and wished them an incredible future, deep down I was fuming with jealousy.

Being in these 2 relationships made me question my entire self worth. Was I not worthy of being committed to? Was I not worthy of being treated with dignity? Was I not worthy of being well taken care of with a man who truly believes that I’m his dream girl, in his eyes? Why was everyone else getting treated much better than I was? Is it something to do with my looks? Is it the fact I wasn’t assertive enough?

Now, approaching my 30s, I know that I got manipulated and taken advantage of because I gave men the benefit of the doubt. I truly believed they were honest about their intentions with me. It had nothing to do with my looks, or the fact that I need to be treated lesser than my peers. It was their issues, not mine.

Now, I hold some deep rooted resentment for men. Deep down, I believe that a majority of men aren’t serious about their intentions, are porn addicted, or are active cheaters. “Approaching the wall” makes me feel like I wasted my youth in dead end relationships with people who didn’t deserve an ounce of attention from me.

Unfortunately, this makes dating exceptionally tough but also exceptionally easy at the same time. I can filter out men with my eyes closed. I can see who’s trying to be in a relationship as a means to an end. I can see who’s not truly “into me”, and would happily cheat on me or watch porn to satisfy themselves. I can also realize the men lying through their teeth about their intentions regarding marriage.

I have been to therapy regarding the resentment I hold, but I don’t believe it’s entirely a bad thing. My resentment has made me more assertive and on high alert while courting men. I know when my time is being wasted, and know its not a compatible relationship long term.

I now have a timeline in my head for my relationship goals that are reasonable for a person approaching 30. I’m tired into being gaslight about my expectations being unreasonable. I’m tired of being strung along.

I know my worth and I know that I’ll only share with someone who respects me and cherishes me. I am not in a position to fall for lies again. My resentment is part of my growth and life journey.