Alright. I'm from a family of family court judges/divorce specialists, in the legal field myself, and know lots of divorce lawyers. Because I've seen a few mums lose custody to abusive dads for stupid, stupid reasons in the past week, I'm on a fucking warpath right now. I'd like to share the basic rules of family court here.

The rules of family court are not the rules of real life. Family court is a game, it's often rigged, and lots of women walk into it like sheep into the slaughterhouse. They think 'Oh, my ex is a deadbeat, he'll never want custody'. They think 'oh, I always did all the care for our kid, I'll get primary custody no issues'. They think 'My ex beat me and the kids, there's no way he'll get unsupervised visitation'. And then, the ex obliterates them in court.

To prevail in family court, you need to think like a legal professional. This isn't about being a good parent or being on the morally right side. Too many women think it is.

The top three things family courts look for are:

  1. Stability. Stable job, stable living situation, stable social connections. This can be a huge issue for mums escaping domestic violence, because they typically just run. To their parents, their friends, anywhere. So now, there's a couchsurfing mum with no job, living a hundred miles away from the kid's school, and a dad with the kid's home and a stable job right next to the kid's school.
  2. Calmness. Lots of women cry. Accuse their ex. Yell out 'But he's an abuser!' in Court. Accuse the ex of pedophilia, abuse, violence. React to his lies, react to his manipulation. They do it to try to set the record straight. They are often right. He is an abuser, he is a pedo, he is violent and unfit. It still counts against you. The 'hysterical woman', 'see, that's what she's like'. Be calm, even as your ex says god-knows-what. Let your lawyer speak for you. During visitation and all other contact with dad and court personell, maintain your calmness.
  3. No parental alienation. 'Parental alienation' is a buzzword, unfortunately. The moment judges catch a whiff of it, they go gaga. Women seek to protect their kids from abusers by saying they don't want the abuser to have unsupervised time, or any time at all, and what it ends up doing is making the 'ooooh, if the kid stays with mum, she'll alienate him from his precious Dada!'-bells ring in the judge's head, and boom, primary custody is granted to the abusive dad.

I know it sucks. I hate it- that's why I'm not in family law. But if you ever find yourself having to leave an abuser, get your ducks in a row before you do it. Don't just leave, have a job and a place to stay and a school for the kid lined up (stability- check!) Lawyer the fuck up and remember the three golden rules: You are stable, you are calm, you would never alienate the kids from dad. Literally say it: 'I want the kids to know their dad, I don't want them to be alienated from him'. Choose the lesser evil of visitation or weekends, because if you scream and yell, you could very well lose all custody. Swallow it down and, for the love of all that is holy, do what your lawyer says, no matter how wrong and horrible it feels and how much you feel like you're letting an abuser 'win' and 'get away with his lies'.

Men understand it as a game- because they don't give a fuck about the kids. Women actually care, and that makes them lose. That's an awful thing to say, but if you're leaving an abuser (or, honestly, any man- because all men escalate in divorce. All of them. It's just a matter of how far they escalate, and there is no way to predict that.) and you have children, you have to be ice-cold and calculated, and you must play this game.

Also, get a male lawyer. If your ex is smart, he will probably pick a female one, because he knows that will make him seem less scary. A man will, in turn, make you seem less hysterical. Your ideal lawyer ist a tall man, roughly your ex's age, a bit of a shark, but not slimey. Deep voice and good looks are a bonus, so is your lawyer being married.