Well… you chose him!

queenofswordsxxx · 2022-03-13T22:07:02+00:00

You chose the mask, the person he was pretending to be. Then the mask dropped.

millennialpink2000 · 2022-03-13T21:13:38+00:00

Amen to this. Men change in an instant, and it has nothing to do with you. I blamed myself for soooo much stuff that men were doing on their own accord, I wish I saw it for what it was.

This gaslighting needs to stop. A woman doesn't enter a relationship expecting to be abused and treated like shit. The man steers it there ffs

huevos_and_whiskey · 2022-03-14T00:45:14+00:00

People who say things like this are usually operating from a Just World Bias. They want to believe that it would never happen to them, if they make good decisions. They don’t want to accept that bad things can happen to good people, or that someone can lie and con so well as your ex did, because those ideas make the world seem like a scary place full of uncertainty. So they’d rather blame you for “choosing wrong”, because it comforts them to think they can choose better and they will be ok.

It’s a weak delusion.

Catz10000 · 2022-03-13T21:39:30+00:00

Victim blaming is a sport.

InspectorGadget07 · 2022-03-13T23:19:53+00:00

People like this kind of enjoy your misfortune to be honest. There’s probably an element of the “friendship” where she thinks you hold yourself as superior or better and she’s probably quite gratified to see you get your comeuppance/ waiting for you to fail.

I’m beginning to believe the old adage “never tell your problems to anyone. 20% don’t care and the other 80% are glad you have them”.

It’s a shame you can’t be emotionally vulnerable even with most “friends”. It shouldn’t be that way but I’m finding often it is. Especially if you hold yourself up a certain way and to a different standard, people who’s demons it aggravates will always be waiting in the background to see you fall so they can smile gleefully in your face

I’ve seen this first hand. I worked a job for well over a decade and was acquaintances with some women there. When things finally went awry and I left, they were calling me gleefully and texting me so eager to get the story of what went wrong for me and finally see me down and having it hard. One even texted me “Congratulations on the baby! Everyone knows you’re pregnant!” I was raised very conservatively and she knows I’d be very unlikely to be found randomly pregnant- especially in the middle of a quarantine when the whole town was shut down. It was a click bait text to rile me up and get me paranoid that people are saying xyz about me so I could rush to “defend my honor”. I was supposed to run and say- Im not pregnant! Who told you that?!- so that she could then pry into the how and why my perfect situation, favored by a high level exec at the company imploded. It was so obvious they were downright gleeful to see me “fail” or to see something finally go wrong in my life. They didn’t care about any emotional distress I may be in and were willing to upset and embarrass me further just to poke their finger in the wound and entertain themselves/ satisfy their prurient desire to know what happened. Super trashy behavior.

But time after time I feel like I get burned revealing unfortunate situations, not even trauma, to people who are supposedly friends. Or not even revealing anything, just them hearing naturally of different things. Invariably no matter how innocuous it is someone gets up on a high horse or starts trying to neg or blame you as weak or more stupid than them for even being in the situation etc etc. Tell you how they would’ve done the impossible and just bing bang boom- handled it so much better

I had a very similar experience to this lately, calling out someone who tried to socially marginalize me to someone else. The person I was telling the story to made it like I was revealing this major confidence to her when really I was putting the other party on blast for poor behavior she was engaging in under the table

The woman I was speaking to then began trying to neg me as weak or kinda stupid even though I’d already handled it and gone through the appropriate channels. She was even going so far as to insinuate people of our common race who come from her country and not mine are so much superior because they are raised with strong sense of self whereas people of the same race from my country are bitches to the white man and have low self esteem/ don’t know how to stand up for themselves to them, is in essence what she was saying. It was an indirect neg at me as the situation in question involved a white person who was behaving poorly toward me. It turned into a situation where she was trying to show how much better she is because “She her? She doesn’t care or even think about what people think/ these types of situations.” It was a situation where my reputation was being maligned and totally reasonable for me to correct. But she tried to make it seem like I was weak and over-affected/ emotional about it in a way that was lame and below her own supposed level of emotional equilibrium/ evolvement and strength. I was told in not so many words that I was a little lame and over-bothered. The moral of the story, is that people take even the most minute things/ most innocuous displays of perceived vulnerability to feel superior to you or neg you

IchBinPlatzEinsJa · 2022-03-13T21:29:51+00:00

When I broke up with my NVM ex because of his gaming addiction and overall laziness (which was costing me boatloads of time and $$$$), I would sometimes talk it over with others online and real life, and here’s how that conversation always went:

“So that’s why me and X broke up.” “Oh ok wow, so was he a gamer before?” “Yes he gamed a lot,” “So you expected him to change?” “Yes he’s changed before, and I thought getting married would motivate him to grow up a bit and start acting like a man.” “Well sounds like you put yourself in that situation then so I don’t feel bad for you anymore. Shame on you for expecting him to change for you, you just caused a lot of heartbreak and misery for that man.”

Mind you, he was my high school sweetheart and it was pre-FDS, so yeah I didn’t know any better, but I still got shamed to shit over it relentlessly. Like why the fuck would my 16 year old self not expect the person I’m with to never step up and be a man, ever? He said he wanted the same things as me in the future (future faking) so why was it unreasonable for me to expect he was going to step it up at work or search for jobs that would get us to our goals?

I feel like it’s only LV people that love to find obscure loopholes to try and blame the other person for their partner’s shitty behavior. I always love to call it out now.

vaguelinen · 2022-03-13T21:40:08+00:00

My ex loved to say that I chose him. Hands down the dodgiest sales pitch of my life!

basuragoddess · 2022-03-13T22:58:28+00:00

I was seeing a guy for three months who seemed too good to be true. Couple weeks ago, the mask drops and turns out he straight up lied about the most important things to me in our relationship. No one chooses to be lied to, all you can do is pay attention to the signs.

askmeabouttheforest · 2022-03-13T21:25:57+00:00

Yeah, this is BS. Translation: "I would rather you pretend nothing happened, I mean just because it made your life into a hell doesn't mean you're allowed to complain about it"

NonaOrganic · 2022-03-13T21:27:02+00:00

Men are masterful Houdinis. Men will date a woman for 2 yrs and then immediately after they get married, or she has their baby, turn into monster when they’ve trapped her. They can play the part for years before they reveal themselves.

bullshitextinguisher · 2022-03-13T21:48:04+00:00

YOU SHOULD HAVE WORKED ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP HARDER! IT FAILED BECAUSE YOU FAILED!

VS

WELL… WHY DID YOU CHOOSE HIM?

VS

WHY DON’T YOU GIVE NICE/UGLY/UNEMPLOYED GAMER GUYS A CHANCE, YOU SHALLOW VAPID DUMB GOLD DIGGER!!!!!

Prettif0wer69 · 2022-03-13T22:37:51+00:00

I have stopped being friends with those people and I have 0 friends I hate to say this but most people are heartless. 99 percent of people don’t have the capacity to put their self in someone else’s shoes. Not only that it’s very easy to give out advice. Just blocked a “friend” yesterday because they wanted to argue about my current situation. Nobody knows my situation and my life better than me I don’t need that.

jupitaur9 · 2022-03-14T01:02:17+00:00

This is just the latest victim-blaming strategy. Women are at fault for their own abuse because they picked the wrong partner.

Simultaneously wanting to get over on women to get sex for minimum cost and effort, then blaming them for ever falling prey to their schemes.

spicyspa · 2022-03-14T02:53:25+00:00

People in relationships usually put their best foot forward then a lot of them get lazy and indifferent. Why is this so hard for people to understand.

Yes, in the beginning he appreciated me, we were super close and affectionate. Now he quit his job and wanks to porn all day.

"Well, uh he used to be nice. What did you do to make him change?"

No-Village-3946 · 2022-03-14T06:04:36+00:00

I feel like I'd say that after hearing the same stories over and over again. First time, can't blame you. Second time, you should know better since he showed you who he really is but second chances or whatever. After that, I can't have sympathy if you keep choosing the guy after his hundredth fuck up. We could talk all day about how men should be but that won't make them any better. I just can't waste my time, energy, and saliva comforting somebody who's just doing it to themselves at that point. If you're leaving him, cool, vent but let's not let it consume us. As women, so much of our time is wasted being with shitty men, recovering from shitty men, or listening to other women vent about shitty men. Idk. I'm just getting fed up. Men don't need to recover from women.

millions_ofpeachs4me · 2022-03-13T21:30:44+00:00

BIG OOF.

I’d bitch slap a friend who said that to me now. I’ve heard that “advice” in the distant past, from a girl who, get this, was sleeping with a married man. He strung her along for years, future faking and promising her kids and happily ever after or whatever. And she had the gall to tell me I chose my cokehead partyboy ex and therefore asked for all the drama he brought me. I didn’t know what I was getting into at the time and I didn’t know how much trouble he was. He was handsome and a gentleman. He was also coke-induced bipolar and a financial mess, well on his way to prison or death at the ripe old age of 24.

You’re right, of course. We did NOT ask for negative value men. The only thing we can take away is to heed their warning signs immediately, but some of these guys are like Tasmanian devils in our lives. As for “friends” with shit advice, good luck to them next time they need a crying shoulder. Your job sucks? You chose it! Your pregnancy is rough? You decided to have a child! Your husband started drinking? Well, you picked him! Ludicrous.

DrildoBagurren · 2022-03-14T11:50:28+00:00

Yeah so what? I chose who he pretended to be. And when he showed his true colours, I left. What do these people expect ?

Do they think he was acting his worst on the first date? Do they think we chose him because of his awful behaviour?

The annoying thing is that when we're picky and we dismiss guys for dropping red flags, men and pickmes will harp on about how we need to lower our standards, give a guy a chance etc. And that's how we end up rationalising mistreatment until it gets too much to bear and we end up humiliated that we 'chose' such a terrible guy. In reality, our choices are not made in a vacuum and most of us -especially when we're young- are still pretty deep into the conditioning which we've been receiving our whole lives. A lot of us only learn by making mistakes because there aren't a great deal of people doing what FDS does- teaching women to vet and not to ignore or try to rationalise nad behaviour. A lot of us grow up with lower self-esteem than we should have and sometimes will not know that we deserve better. Toxic traits in men are often portrayed as "romantic" in media which is directed at youn g women and girls. So yeah, a lot of us will 'choose' a bad guy at some point because we have neither the facts, nor the self-confidence to make informed decisions. We're lied to from the time we're children. Our judgement is constantly questioned to the point where we doubt ourselves.

And we're pushed to begin dating when we're too young to even know ourselves. And then the man gets to set the pace. They often push you to be exclusively for them very early on before you even know them properly either. Before you've even seen all the options, you're locked down and may not realise that better even exists.

I hate the pressure to give guys a chance. Why should we ? What did they do to deserve "a chance" . We're pressured to throw caution to the wind and just jump into a relationship with anyone who shows interest, most of the time on his terms. And yet somehow still blamed when that guy turns out to be an A-hole. We're told to "take accountability" literally for the actions of someone else- a man, a stranger to whom we gave a chance.

Equal-Ear2312 · 2022-03-14T10:47:56+00:00

You're here now and we all grow through our decisions.

It's funny how in retrospect I do not feel like I had a choice.

Not at all. That I acted solely on the past trauma.

Don't be hard on yourself. Your getting better. It's just patriarchy that likes blaming women for the faults and misdeeds of men.

Don't internalize their guilt. Let it seep uncomfortably and float all over their heads.

Single women by choice upset men the most. We're the #1 enemy, remember that.

cutekittensmeow · 2022-03-14T02:52:11+00:00

There's only one time it's appropriate to tell someone this and it's after an "I told you so".

Because I told my sister her ex husband was a dog and wasn't capable of loyalty and after they got divorced because he cheated I told her "I told you what he was and you still choose him."

After she got picked by two more LVM who treated her like shit and abused her I stopped telling her shit.

But hey, what do I know, she's the one who got picked.

FluffandRainclouds · 2022-03-14T05:29:20+00:00

It bothers me when people say "why did she stay with him after he did [insert depraved thing]" (especially for a non FDSer). When you teach women their worth is wrapped up in being "lovable" and "claimed by a man," This is what happens. Obviously we know better and I don't want to see any of you doing that, but it's emotionally, socially, mentally fraught and sometimes physically dangerous if he is abusive.

ETA: Imo it's also a survival technique to go into this cognitive dissonance. Not a good one, but LVM/Nvm set off fight flight fawn or freeze long term IMO. If you were in a post-apocalyptic world and had to be in danger for some reason, your brain will probably try to normalize some of the danger. The fallacy is we don't need men for our survival, yet society tells us we will shrivel and die (every way other than physically) if we aren't "chosen" by 25 or 30. And if we have the audacity to live past that we cannot ever age. This will set off fight or flight because it is literally subtle psychological warfare to keep us in our "place"

shutup201 · 2022-03-14T16:35:16+00:00

The thing is, these men are fully aware of what they're doing. Yes, you have to reflect to prevent it from happening again, but a lot of people don't understand how diabolical low value men can be. The abuse and change in character is not by chance. They play a role so they can abuse you, and they are fully aware of they're intentions from the start.

ReadLearnLove · 2022-03-13T22:22:41+00:00

I agree. The situation reveals every false friend, and usually there will be a hell of a lot of them. Good riddance! Leaving openings for decent, loving people!

JYQE · 2022-03-13T22:42:34+00:00

Agreed. People say this all the time to Pakistani women sho choose love marriages (vs arranged) that go bad.

malibooyeah · 2022-03-14T14:53:47+00:00

It's lying and manipulation. Once they "have" you they think they can just drop their act. From day one they prove to be liars.

Colour_riot · 2022-03-14T15:31:46+00:00

So I often wonder if I'm missing out and should make more friends by giving people the benefit of doubt. It's posts like this that make me think, nada, I'm fine having less so-called friends.

The last time I've heard something like this from a "friend" was thankfully at least 4 years ago. That was such an NVM friend (plus several more) who sucked up so much resources unreciprocated, that to this day, when I sense a single whiff of something off (insecurity, jealousy, faking a deeper friendship with me in front of other people), I monitor and then 3 strikes and they're permanently out.

Keepers12345 · 2022-03-14T02:46:37+00:00

I hate when people say that!

Explicitly or implicitly

Keepers12345 · 2022-03-15T03:09:13+00:00

"13 | I have the right to expect honesty from others."

Well, my Personal Bill of Rights says that I have the right to trust others. If I dated a liar who was manipulative, that's on him. Not me.

I have a right to live my life and expect others to be honest. It's not my job to take on P.I. work to determine if my SO is shady.

I have learned and am more cautious, but not because I chose poorly last time. I would not redo those experiences. They were overall helpful. Now, I'm taking things slow, but that doesn't mean that I control the world.

Personal Bill of Rights: https://brightsidebear.com/personal-rights/

Keepers12345 · 2022-03-15T03:20:13+00:00

First of all, yay for getting out and establishing a better and brighter present and future!!! :)

One of my favorite Personal Bill of Rights:

"13 | I have the right to expect honesty from others."

Well, my Personal Bill of Rights says that I have the right to trust others. If I dated a liar who was manipulative, that's on him. Not me.

I have a right to live my life and expect others to be honest. It's not my job to take on P.I. work to determine if my SO is shady.

I have learned and am more cautious, but not because I chose poorly last time. I would not redo those experiences. They were overall helpful. Now, I'm taking things slow, but that doesn't mean that I control the world. F-anyone who tells you that you chose this. They're in denial and/or happened to luck out by never experiencing what it's like to be in that kind of relationship the inside.

As humans, each one of us has countless facets that reflect light, diamonds and gems. When we see and spend time with a friend, it is easy to hope and believe that they're wise enough, compassionate enough, and self-aware enough to know that one does not choose these relationships. It hurts to see and realize that one of our friend's facets is cloudy and maybe even cracked. It's not you. I'm sorry that your friend isn't able to emphasize and validate you.

Personal Bill of Rights: https://brightsidebear.com/personal-rights/

jemappellesophy · 2022-03-13T21:11:12+00:00

Yes, sounds like a low value "friend" you need to block and delete.

FUBARfromLSA · 2022-03-14T00:48:35+00:00

Ugh.

This is no friend.

BedazzledSwashbuckle · 2022-03-14T15:32:28+00:00

As soon as you eliminate that excuse, there will be another way to deflect blame from men and focus it on women.

The real, underlying issue is that we refuse to hold men accountable for their behavioral choices in relationships.

Failure to notice that Bundy was Bundy might be a conversation that his wife has with her mother, who wants better for her daughter. But it's irrelevant to the real issue of holding Bundy responsible for his crimes.

Same logic applies everywhere else, or should.

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Title	Well… you chose him!
Author	caromaro23
Upvotes	747
Comments	68
Date	March 13, 2022 8:43 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/tdg1en/well_you_chose_him/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/well-you-chose-him.1106422 https://theredarchive.com/post/1106422

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