Are large age differences in romantic/sexual relationships always bad? Are they sometimes acceptable and sometimes not? What are the limits? What are the factors?

Cupcakelover1985 · 2022-04-08T19:13:33+00:00

As long as the two people are adults and they started dating when they were adults there’s nothing “bad” about it from a legal standpoint. However people will always have their opinions and usually negative reactions occur when:

1)They met when the younger party was underage

2) The gap exceeds 5-10 years

3) There is a real or perceived power difference. Real(the older person being the younger ones boss, professor/teacher etc.) Perceived: money, life experience, status etc.

januaryphilosopher · 2022-04-08T19:23:20+00:00

They're not always bad. But they do have a higher chance of problems which increases the bigger the age gap is. Which means that they are often not advisable and you have to be very careful, especially if you're the younger one. The limits to things that are always bad are when one is a child, or in a position of power over another.

Orange_Paisley · 2022-04-08T19:33:42+00:00

It depends on the ages of the couple and the size of the gap. A 15 year old with a 20 year old would be illegal in most places in the US. A 25 year old with a 30 year old, nobody would bat an eye.

LittleDragonMaiden · 2022-04-08T19:02:42+00:00

I’m in an age gap marriage. I think just like in any relationship there has to be mutual respect and understanding. Sometimes the power dynamic may make some women more compliant with unacceptable behaviors but it’s important to stand your ground.

sarkington · 2022-04-08T19:14:38+00:00

Of course not

It’s when the younger member is obviously disadvantaged and too ignorant to know better, because, ya know, youth

rosesonthefloor · 2022-04-08T21:51:49+00:00

Age gap relationships aren’t always bad, but I don’t think they’re always healthy.

I’ve seen age gaps where one party or the other is extremely immature, or controlling, or demanding, or manipulative. Usually the other party is desperate, or naive, or lonely, or uncaring.

I’ve also seen healthy age gap relationships, and I was in one for 2 years.

It really depends on the people in them, but I think the generational divide and differing expectations can be a big factor leading to conflict. So you need two mature people to really hash it out in a positive way.

Once the younger party is like, 35+ though, I don’t think it really matters anymore.

Remarkable_Ad_2469 · 2022-04-08T20:22:27+00:00

Only problem I see with an attempted age gap relationship is where a old man 50 yo that asks out a girl that just turned 18, and he had watched her grow from 10 years old being her neighbor. Seen a posting on another reddit, and it gave me creeper vibes.

DreamsOfWishes · 2022-04-08T22:54:47+00:00

Speaking of a 10 year difference or more:

1) Did the older OR younger partner, actively look for an age difference relationship?

If no: it's very likely to not be a problematic relationship.

If yes: it's very likely to be a problematic relationship.

2) How is the older partner treating the relationship? It's easy for the younger partner to not be problematic, they can just do their best. The older partner however needs to find a balance.

They need to be careful of not becoming an authority in their relationship because they're older, while also using their wisdom to help the younger partner.

They need to look out for their own interests and stand up for what they want, while also allowing the younger partner to figure out what they want and not push them in the direction of their desires.

They need to provide the younger partner with the benefits of dating an older partner, while also trying to create an equal relationship.

...I don't think a lot of people are emotional equipped enough to do this. That's....hard. I don't know if I would EVER be able to do that.

3) Is the older partner a good partner when you compare them to their age-mates.

For example, if you are still figuring shit out at 20, that's normal. That's GOOD even. Everyone should be allowed that opportunity and take advantage of it. But at 50, you should have figured a lot of shit out already. You still don't know what kind of job you want? You are fucking 50.

And this is not something that the younger partner can judge at all, because all they experience is younger people behaving the same or even worse.

And it's actually really important, because the older they are while having these habits, the less likely they are to ever change. This is who they'll be... forever.

4) Has the younger one considered the aspects of age and their relationship and accepted the consequences?

The older one is VERY LIKELY going to be in poor health before you, are you OK with that? Or are you gonna leave then?

BlackPorcelainDoll · 2022-04-08T23:11:19+00:00

Would you let your son/daughter of 18 fresh out of high school bring home a 45 year old grown man/woman?

GrandBurdensomeCount · 2022-04-08T20:09:54+00:00

They’re not always bad, they just tend to come with issues. Couples 20 years apart in age are 90% more likely to divorce.I’m sure loss of attraction by the younger party is one factor, as is the fact that a 42-year-old woman is going to be at a different place in life than a 65-year-old man.

It’s not that they’re wrong, just that they usually don’t work long term. If you aren’t looking for long term then there’s less of a problem.

2022-04-08T20:15:27+00:00

I feel like people don't think about the future when it comes to relationships that started when one was in their 20's the other was already late 30's or even 40's. Short term I think it might work as something people want to experience this type of relationship (even through for me it would be gross to date someone my parents age). In LTR after 15, 20 years the younger one is still young, healthy and wants to enjoy life while the older one is actually old. This is where the problems start. My aunt married a 25 years older guy, obviously he was rich so he bought her love with LV bags. But now she says she can't wait when he dies because he just keeps getting sick and doesn't want to leave the house and she is bored.

nemma88 · 2022-04-08T23:25:27+00:00

No, they're not always bad.

The factors ime ( sorry formatting is hard on mobile). If the relationship evolved organically ,

If one (only one)party is willing to make sacrifices to the 'life timeline',

And if both have a strong friend network and independence

they'll be like any other.

My reasoning is

Where both parties are exchanging highly transactional superficial elements (money, youth) then that's not usually an issue, but if one is looking for someone who wants them as a package rather than an attribute this will cause issues and resentment.

No way around the fact either the younger party will have to do things young and feel like an outsider or the older partner, they'll be out of step with their cohort.

In larger age gaps, your friends don't want to hang around a bunch of annoying young people / boring old people. There is less friends mingling and again, feeling like an outsider with your partner's friends can/will happen.

Independence is important for everyone, but dependency is very bad in a unfavourable power dynamic.

LetsDelveIntoIt1 · 2022-04-08T19:04:39+00:00

There will always be exceptions. But by and large, I am repulsed by anyone dating someone with a double digit age gap if one of them is under 28-30. Don't care if the younger one is a guy or gal. It's just gross to me.

I'll still side-eye any relationship with a larger than 10 year gap, even over the age of 30, but it wouldn't bother me the way the above would.

DonQOnIce · 2022-04-08T19:04:13+00:00

I do not care if the younger party is 30+.

Other than that, the half your age plus 7 rule is usually pretty good.

There are exceptions to everything of course and I’m too lazy to think of examples and list them out.

Acceptable-Figure566 · 2022-04-09T01:55:53+00:00

My first marriage, my husband was twice my age when we got married (I was 24). We didn’t get divorced because he was older, we got divorced because he was a narcissist who saw me as little more than a broodmare - which is ironic since I eventually discovered I couldn’t bear children without major medical intervention so joke was on him lol.

WilliamWyattD · 2022-04-09T03:48:22+00:00

For a STR, as long as both people are attracted to one another, who cares? But often, if one person is a lot younger, people will view it as basically a form of prostitution. (Which it often is.)

But for a LTR, unless people can really see this is a rare love match, there are a lot of advantages to growing older together (so within 1-5 years gap). Generally speaking, if there is a bigger age gap, people will again see it as a form of prostitution.

Taipanshimshon · 2022-04-08T19:20:28+00:00

The only factor that concerns most people is their particular pet issues with either party or whatever " badness " the parties in question represent to them.

PlayfulLawyer · 2022-04-08T20:10:58+00:00

I'm 13 years older than my wife, it's acceptable because well usually the kind of people that would make judgments about that sort of thing don't matter lol

If both people in a relationship are consenting adults I don't give a shit, these people that try to play dick and pussy police are weird oh, if you're in that 18 area range and you want me to take you seriously as a young adult, do what you're going to do, if it doesn't work out so be it, you're going to make relationship mistakes anyways might as well do it with people you're attracted to and have fun with, as somebody who's been on both sides of the age Gap relationship, you got to take responsibility for your life someday🤷‍♂️

wtknight · 2022-04-08T20:34:18+00:00

They aren’t acceptable if the young adult is too young because it’s assumed that an older adult and younger adult have little in common, and that the older person is manipulating and using the younger person for sex, although sometimes the younger person is manipulating the older person for resources, too.

GalaxyBrainU · 2022-04-08T22:43:11+00:00

Lots of factors depend on it, and everyone has a different opinion. I've recently seen someone get called a groomer by a lot of people because he married a 20 yr old girl at 37. Apparently even when you're a grown adult people think it's exploitative. Personally I think it's a little odd but grooming seems a bit over the top.

QueenWint · 2022-04-08T23:38:26+00:00

I am comfortable with the opinions of people, so I don't mind them. I think what can be concerning is context and the pair of people not the age gap between adults.

When it comes to some sort of possible advantage, there are many circumstances in which one partner holds more potential power. Most common one? Not age gap. Mental health, if someone has low self-esteem, their view of the world and themselves askew due to mental health, they will always have less power than someone strong in their path, confident and with high standards. Still, people are allowed to date healthy people, when they themselves are not.

Entiox · 2022-04-09T00:36:55+00:00

As long as they're both consenting adults I think it varies on a case by case difference, and that the difference matters a bit less, at least to society, as both people get older. I think most people would find it less disturbing if it was a 35 year old and 55 year old dating as opposed to an 18 year old and 38 year old. The biggest age gap I've ever had in a relationship was when I started dating a woman 2 days after she turned 20 and I was just about to turn 30, but I didn't pursue her, she pursued me.

SabrineYasmine · 2022-04-09T00:44:00+00:00

No they aren't otherwise sugar relationships were not so popular.

But for actual marriage I think a similar age gap is the ideal.

RealNiceLady · 2022-04-09T01:00:32+00:00

Are large age differences in romantic/sexual relationships always bad? Are they sometimes acceptable and sometimes not? What are the limits? What are the factors?

It's fine as long as you are an adult.

Would it be more (or less) acceptable if the relationship was short-term or long-term?

Long term is always better than short-term.

Does it make a difference if it's an older man with a younger woman, or an older woman with a younger man?

How big does an age difference have to be before it becomes concerning? Five years? Ten years? Twenty years?

Or does it never matter as long as both people in the relationship are consenting adults?

Does not matter

ClaraBow01 · 2022-04-09T02:26:49+00:00

There is nothing inherently wrong with an age gap as long as the couple is comprised of adults (18/19+) and no grooming has occurred. Of course there are also factors of status and mental capacity. Elder abuse is a real thing. And elderly person must be cognizant enough to consent.

Sensimya · 2022-04-09T02:47:55+00:00

These situations need to be considered on a case by case basis.

I say this as I've been experienced inappropriate relationships and I've witnessed them, etc.

However, my partner and I are 15 years apart and met in my early 20s. From the outside most would say it was/is inappropriate. But seeing as I am the one in the relationship, I disagree. I'm in the most loving and fulfilling relationship of my life.

So anyway, I think it's a case by case basis.

bfangPF1234 · 2022-04-09T03:06:26+00:00

Not always but often bad.

Baby-in-thecorner · 2022-04-09T04:46:07+00:00

I knew a 112 year old French guy who was married to a 94 year old woman. They met in a nursing home when she was 91. I reported him to the authorities because clearly an 18 year age gap is predatory. I mean she was born when he was starting university. Grooming!

lvlupkitten · 2022-04-09T04:49:24+00:00

I'm 19 and the only guy I've dated was 25 🤷 some of my friends thought it was weird and that he was creepy, but some didn't think it was weird at all. I didn't find it weird imo, my friend dated a 24 year old when she was 17. I don't think I would date someone much older than that, but I don't have a problem with people who would. If I met someone who was basically perfect but older than ideal I'd still give it a go.

lunafox999 · 2022-04-09T05:53:44+00:00

It also depends on the situation. I’ve seen senior hs students date freshman’s or sophomores. If a senior does this once, it’s kinda okay. I believe it becomes weird when a person has a history of going after people much younger than them.

Kej3City · 2022-04-10T17:09:31+00:00

I am 32 years old guy (I will be 33 in next two weeks) and I am seriously dating (we are almost couple) a girl who is 21. We are attracted to each and have very healthy relationship, but yeah people around don't like it because of age gap. She is also more attractive than me so it bothers society even more, but we try to not give a fuck. No, I am not wealthy btw.

acornfroggie · 2022-04-11T05:21:03+00:00

>Are large age differences in romantic/sexual relationships always bad?

Yes.

Kaisha001 · 2022-04-09T07:48:19+00:00

As long as the woman is older, women are ok with it, otherwise he's a predator.

992702050602 · 2022-04-09T03:04:44+00:00

Honestly, I think the biggest problem with large age gaps are just weird power dynamics that often come with age.

Even being only a few years older than my sister, there’s a dynamic there. I am older than her. But obviously as we’ve grown, that dynamic shifts. I also have good friends that I don’t treat like a child around her age. It’s a matter of the relationship you have with the person. I have friends that I will always treat like a younger sibling because I can’t help but see them as naive, innocent and childish. I also have friends that are younger than my “baby sibling friends” that I treat more like adults because they act more like adults.

Looking back at myself at 17, I can’t imagine wanting to date that person not because I don’t think I was an interesting person but because I had no experiences, I was much more naive and malleable. As an adult, I can’t imagine that being attractive, for someone to be so young and dumb enough that I can manipulate. But I also must say that not every 17 year old lacks life experiences, not every 17 year old is like that but I would say the majority aren’t mature enough for an adult to date.

This also goes for 50 year olds dating young 20 somethings because why? At 50, most people have well-established jobs, families, etc. or have changed careers enough times that they have probably found their calling. At 50, you have lived quite a bit of life. How many people at 20 have experienced all that? That’s a whole other generation. Someone who is born in 2002 is 20. Most of them grew up with ipods, ipads, computers from the moment they entered school. How many 50 year olds experienced that? Childhood tv shows, everything has changed.

I just struggle imagining two people truly being able to connect without some type of shared life experiences. However, to say that it’s impossible is also a huge reach. Some people just share a connection, and it transcends age. But I think generally speaking, especially people who are well over 40 dating people under age 25, it’s a little creepy. The lines pretty much blur beyond that.

SmarmyPapsmears · 2022-04-08T21:44:22+00:00

As long as the consenting adults are over 25, I don't really care. If 1 person is 18 (literally still a child), then I'm not ok with it.

LarryLooxmax · 2022-04-08T22:05:07+00:00

All sexual/romantic relationships are invariably bad

Lezonidas · 2022-04-09T08:40:23+00:00

Half your age + 7 is pretty accurate as a minimum age to calculate if your partner is mature enough for you.

If you're 14 = 14/2 + 7 = 14 is the youngest you can date

If you're 20 = 20/2+7 = 17 is the youngest you can date

If you're 28 = 28/2+7 = 21 is the youngest you can date

If you're 46 = 46/2+7 = 30 is the youngest you can date

If you're 70 = 70/2+7 = 42 is the youngest you can date

KirthWGersen · 2022-04-08T18:58:01+00:00

Nothing matters except the particular circumstances. And they are no-one's business but the people involved.

An attractive young woman can easily take advantage of a wealthy older man. She holds all the cards. But if he feels that what he gets in exchange is acceptable, no-one else should give a shit.

Age-gap relationships are no more inherently abusive than any others. But they do make people incredibly irrationally envious.

Smitten_Squire · 2022-04-08T19:02:16+00:00

As long as it's consensual and not toxic, age gaps are fine.

Toxic would be a 75 year old man paying a 18 year old to date him. Ect

LotBuilder · 2022-04-08T22:44:15+00:00

I feel like 10 years is the right fit for men and women mentally and physically. Men mature later and are not ready to settle down and provide till 35’ish. Women have a biological reality that younger moms = healthier babies, more energy and the ability to bounce back better. 25-34 is the sweet spot. Women rarely respect and admire men their own age.

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ruboyuri · 2022-04-09T14:19:14+00:00

Please, the answer to these questions are so obvious

shoelacemorgan · 2022-04-14T17:05:38+00:00

I don't think any gap matters over the age of 25. However, before that, I think it looks bad and very suspicious is, say a 30 year old is lusting over a 20 year old or a teenager. I would definitely questions why he goes after women that are so close the high school aged.

Also, i m saying this but when I was 19 I had a thing for a 29 year old man. We met through mutual friends and liked each other. I know what was going on in my head, but now that I'm older and I look back, I still looked like a high schooler and I find it very creepy. Its hard to grow up and realized the men you looked up to may have actually been creeps. Also, why was it easy for us to get along? Why is it that a 19 year old girl was the same maturity as a 29 year old? Was he a man child or just a creep? I'll never know.

Also let's not pretend like the law makes an important distinction. When men hide behind the number 18 being legal, I get creeper out for real. People used to hide behind the law when they owned slaves. Just because its legal doesn't make it right. Let's not pretend an 18 year old is the same as a 25 year old just because she's legal. We all know that there are men that will go as far down in age as they can. If 17 was considered legal, you'd see 30 year olds with 17 year olds. If 16 was legal, you'd see 30 year olds with 16 year olds. Same for 15.

In the 18th century, it used to he normal to be married off to a much older man (sometimes even 40) when a girl was just 16. This was normal. Normal. You basically have a new father that you have sex with.

At 25, your brain fully develops. That is why I draw the line at 25. Whether or not a woman is in her prime before that is irrelevant to me. Body of a women, mind of a teenager.

I feel the exact same about all this if the genders are reversed. Before 25, even if you won't go to jail, I think depending on the situation, you should. I think there should be laws that enforce more control over this when the people are younger than 25.

When a young women wants to be with an older men, I don't question what's going on in her mind. But why would that older man find her attractive? Does he like the fact that she looks like a high schooler? Why can't he get women his own age? Is he just wildly immature or is he a predator? And yes, I think a 30 year old lusting over a 20 year old is predatory, regardless of the law.

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