Divorce is just brutal.

SelectionNo3078 · 2023-06-06T12:39:46+00:00

The good career is the secret sauce

I don’t have that and it makes getting through this even worse

Fears about what kind of life I’ll have moving forward

On top of not having a lot of close connections.

I miss my wife and my life

No_Analyst_5235 · 2023-06-06T16:39:38+00:00

The problem is we think the void that is left will never be filled . It will be filled and for most of us or some of us if will be filled with something better . It’s an abundant universe

ranger69danger · 2023-06-06T14:54:56+00:00

Dude, I spent years in that zone of “maybe I should just be getting poontang outside the marriage…?” And it sucked. To be so desperate to even consider dipping the wick in strange ink….does not feel so good even for the person considering infidelity. I never did, but I feel your pain.

Your stuff will get better. I hope you will think twice about infidelity in the future.

For me, quitting the job and the marital home and the town were important first steps to moving forward. For you…I don’t know what I’d be doing aside from finding a really good shrink/therapist, eating well/avoiding booze, and putting some dedicated time/money into a new/scary/challenging recreational pursuit.

Good luck dude.

Ren87z · 2023-06-07T02:49:37+00:00

To be fair you cheated bro! Actions have consequences. You risk it all for what? Live and learn my friend. That being said you wont feel like this forever. You will eventually find someone who will love you and make you happy. When that time comes cherish that love and respect it and dont waste it by cheating. Learn from your failed marriage and what you felt was missing and communicate with your partner instead of looking outside your relationship. If you are in a relationship and feel the need to be with someone else just break up with them and dont cheat. Cheating does so much harm to the other person. I bet your wife feels 1000 times worst than what you are going through. Good luck friend.

DatabaseSpace · 2023-06-06T17:15:41+00:00

There is a huge difference between this sub and ther other. If a guy posts on that sub about potentially leaving and gives a few reasons it's like crickets. A woman posts that a guy works full time but doesn't also do all the housework and it's like leave that deadbeat loser scumbag. I try not to be gender biased in my posts, but I think over there it's built in to it.

clinicalbrain · 2023-06-06T17:41:46+00:00

I'm hearing that divorce is brutal despite you having support. Now, all behavior has consequences so your marriage ending was at least 50% your responsibility with the affair. So if you take 50% of the responsibility and acknowledge that you were out of accountability with your wedding vows then how do you plan to move forward? You can't look back so how are you moving forward?

HowardDucker · 2023-06-06T23:31:35+00:00

You cheated on your wife. Deal with the consequences.

You fucked up, you deserve the divorce.

Professional-Peak935 · 2023-06-06T16:30:36+00:00

It's like your body is going through the motions, but your soul is just crushed. And you realize you're going to go through the rest of your life on your own - even if you meet someone else, it will never be the same.

But the hardest thing - honestly - is going along your day-to-day life while you are just imploding inside. It's crazy.

Oh yeah? Imagine how she felt after discovering your affair.

Ffs look at all this accountability dodging. You violated your marriage vows. You violated your wife's trust. You violated the sanctity and peace of your family, and now you're mad that you're suffering for it? What did you expect? To be able to take what you wanted from everyone's lives and never face any consequences? Sounds a lot like the things said by someone with a certain over-diagnosed personality disorder.

I hate hearing from people like you, cheaters who think their advice is wanted or worth hearing. All cheaters deserve the worms. You made this bed, now lie in it.

Throwaway19891953 · 2023-06-06T15:38:20+00:00

Zero sympathies from me here mate. There are always other ways ie you could have divorced her. Cheating is a cowards way out. Most men on here deal with the aftermath of having their life crushed by their spouse and in my book you're one of the bad guys

Weary_Landscape_7098 · 2023-06-06T20:49:21+00:00

Something interesting I've noticed in this thread: guys calling another guy (that they presumably don't even know) on his shit. Basically saying "you cheated, you fucked up". That's because men have a code of honor, and feeling of duty, especially when it comes to marriage vows. Not all of them (obviously), but most.

How often does this happen on a forum/subreddit where it is women-centric? I bet most of the responses to a thread where a woman cheated would be "yaasss queen, live your best life!" and "he treated you like shit, go out and get that new dick!" and other such things.

Men hold each other accountable. Women...don't.

Just an observation.

koolaidkid12345 · 2023-06-06T20:11:11+00:00

So.. I am not sure if I am a typical dude ready for divorce or not. I like my wife generally.. we are able to live day to day for the most part.. but we argue over literally everything.. money, kids, how to clean, what to do about house, cars, etc. To name just a few small topics. We have been fighting on and off almost every day for 20+ years. CRAZY! I know. I am one of those fools that did NOT want my kids to grow up without dad or deal with alimony + child support for 18 years. Seeing how fucked up my kids are today.. I am not sure if it's part of the whole social media, us, combo, etc.. but I wish I had filed years ago.

But I also don't want her upset.. at least.. like what you describe and many others.. mad rath of fury to burn down my world. My last kid is finally done with HS and she'll be 18 in a month.. so there wont be any child support now. But 20+ years of marriage.. in California, means likely life alimony.. though technically that should be for rare situations where the spouse can't work, medical issues, etc. My STBXW has had cancer, but has beat it, but has some other issues that she claims will be too hard for her to work. I call bullshit on that. There is no reason she cant work and her full time pay would be about what I make. She has worked part time since the kids partly as we agreed we dont want our kids raised by others. But I dont see why or how that should allow a judge to say "well she was used to working part time the past 20 years.. so she no longer need to work full time, so her total "value" will be based on part time pay and thus you will pay 1000s in alimony". I hope it doesnt work out like that. She can make about 4K a month part time anyway.. so technically she should be able to afford to live on her own even with part time pay.

I am willing to give her the house and her retirement, and her car, etc.. in lieu of no alimony and I keep my company stock..which right now is worth about 1/3 of the house/retirement/car because of the way the market is.. but it could be worth more. For me it is far more about the hassle of splitting shit up, selling home, dealign with lawyers forever.. I'd like to make it stupid easy. You keep house (its in her name already), you keep your retirement.. and the car.. you just have to work is all. I'll keep my stock and if it tanks, I lost. If it goes big then thats the risk I take. I'd even give her a year of alimony at like $1500 a month (as long as I have a job) so she can get by until she figures out job situation (currently out on leave for medical reasons).

But I prefer no ties to her once I separate.. so there is no drama, no way to pull me in, sue/come after me, etc. We'll always be tied by the kids though I find that would be very rare we'd ever have to be at an event together with them.

What holds me back right now is financials. I dont have anywhere near enough money to hire a lawyer and move out.. that alone is 15K or so for retainer + file cost + move out cost. On top of that I owe 30K in credit and yes I know that is split in divorce but no.. I would ALSO take that with me and take care of my own debt. Basically I want to offer her a fantastic deal that makes it easy to be done with each other and we can hopefully both start our new lives, heal fast and move on. I know I will as I haven't been in love with her for years. I do love her.. mother of my children, good person over all.. little crazy but people love her and she's not a horrible person in general.

Ok-Cat1446 · 2023-06-07T00:23:54+00:00

It is brutal. I will never fully recover financially or emotionally and I was the fiscally and emotionally responsible one.

I_got_BAnaNaS · 2023-06-07T02:19:29+00:00

OP - your wife alienating the kids from you is 50x worse than your cheating.

Her emotional abusiveness is worse as well.

There are some men (and women) on here who feel very strongly about cheating. You aren’t married to them.

There are plenty of men on here who didn’t cheat who were emotionally abused by their wives, alienated from their kids, and financially raped by the courts. You aren’t in this position because of your cheating. It was going to happen anyway.

Plenty of people get cheated on who either reconcile or split up without drama.

Good luck on getting your life back in order.

Bipolar_investor · 2023-06-07T05:00:24+00:00

Divorce for men is equivalent to having a disability for the first 5 years.

Having a vindictive ex, is equivalent to having a cancer

DeleriumTrigger82 · 2023-06-07T10:13:04+00:00

I'm scared because of the possible disconnect between words and actions.

Maybe it's not fair to say it this way.

But given how we were a couple, married, doing stuff and how she gets to decide she's given up, and all of these consequences; she doesn't understand how I can be afraid that she'll go punitive or why I'm afraid she'll deny me access to the kids. She says she doesn't want to do that. So why don't I believe her?

Maybe because she lied. She doesn't see it that way. But she gave up months ago. Lets me hope and work and medically destroy parts of my body all towards a goal she really didn't see as happening.

We moved here for her job, away from my friends and only family. We focused on her job. We focused on her loans (paid off) not mine (a second mortgage basically). There is so much I do that allows her the flexibility to see her friends, her family, and mind the kids.

The first real time she had to do something where I was going to be unavailable but she needed to watch the kids, she was going to leave them home alone. And then she didn't understand why I got upset and told her that wasn't an option (11f, 7m for context. They have never been home alone let alone for hours. The 11 year old for an hour or two herself, and only starting recently because she has become latch key for school, and at that at best once a week.)

We literally finished our dream home build and took possession 10/24. I sunk all of a bonus, the first time I've gotten one in my life, into the house. It now has to go back on the market.

On top of it, reasonably, my confidence is shot. Kind of hard to feel good about oneself when your wife of 14 years, noose out because she's literally given up because working on things is hard. Mentally I get it that if this is the case it literally is for the best.

I have some friends. They make a difference. I have my job. I have my team. I've spent years building the team up, and my agents. I'm lucky that in this they have seen what's happening and are actively supporting me and telling me its my turn to be supported like I have them. I feel like a human paper weight. It's hard to lean into the support. I feel embarrassed, exposed, and abandoned. I feel radioactive. I've lost 55 pounds since 01/01, and cold turkey stopped drinking. I know others have experienced this. Something "easier" and of course, it could be sooooo worse.

I also know I will be okay. Eventually.

But you are right.

This is brutal.

This sucks.

And honestly it feels just as bad that it's not a singular thing.

That it's a nigh universal.

This misery does not want that company.

I wish you all something better.

Alatornio · 2023-06-06T13:50:04+00:00

You cheated. A bit different story.

sicrm · 2023-06-06T12:35:10+00:00

finding an outlet if you don’t have one already can help (fighting club, cooking, any hobbies you lost touch with, or a rage room especially if someone goes with you).

if you go with a fighting club tell the trainer a little about what you’re going through. then get work out until you can’t anymore. then pick a day to do it over again.

visiting friends/family (that aren’t against you) or a place you always wanted to see could be a good reset as well.

pharmd718 · 2023-06-06T18:05:17+00:00

Been where you are. I promise it gets better. You might actually find yourself happier than when she was around. This is a chance to live your best life without any restrictions. Another benefit….my water bill is much less 😂

XxJustadudexX · 2023-06-07T11:50:14+00:00

Lol you cheating and then acting like a victim is hilarious.

But that aside, notice there is no Divorce_Women, because r/divorce is essentially a women’s group

BaldieGoose · 2023-06-06T20:18:47+00:00

I never cheated once we said our vows and had kids, was fully committed, but in retrospect wish I had cheated because I had to deal with her asexualness and then she still ended up wanting a divorce despite my loyalty. So I know you might regret cheating, but don't. If she wasn't satisfying you then oh well.

upfnothing · 2023-06-06T23:02:40+00:00

Women are the scum. They need to deflect while we suffer from their abuses. Welcome to the club.

helloooo-newman · 2023-06-06T13:05:09+00:00

Sorry you’re going through this. It can be hard to find the community on here that will support you in the right way. It’s especially important to address problems that are interfering with your work and daily life. I have had more success with individual counseling and less time on Reddit.

Spiritual_Self_7181 · 2023-06-06T18:06:21+00:00

I understand. I am in misery. My mind is just blank. I just want to go back and fix my marriage. But it’s too late. She has no empathy or forgiveness and I’m not sure she’s loved me at all for a very long time. I hope God grant me peace.

Disastrous_Meet_7952 · 2023-06-07T12:28:46+00:00

Single guy/never been married here (M29). And this is exactly why I follow this sub. Every single guy needs to scroll through these posts as least once. I used to be so cocky about how marriage will be a victory lap, but now I’m rattled about the possibility of making the wrong decision.

It’d be great if there was a post thread where divorced guys could give advice to their younger selves, with what they would have done differently. this current set up of masculinity - in terms of just acquire resources and use that to attract women - isn’t working anymore. Most of them make more money than us pre-pregnancy anyways.

And how could you trust someone who only gave you the light of day because of what you have and not who you are? Not blaming women for this dynamic, but this dynamic ain’t working no more.

I see sooooo many stories on here of guys who bought into the resource-first-and-love-second model, only to lose both when she realizes the whole thing’s a scam (or someone cheats or whatever).

My generation is struggling so much financially, not being able to acquire resources to build a future on. Seeing modern/educated women still preferring a guy that’s got these resources over one that’s working towards it (but has a genuine connection with them that can stay the course) is gut wrenching. Am I dumb for asking whatever happened to going through the trenches together? Occasionally you still run into boomer couples who are loaded now but met each other when the husband was dirt poor.

It’s a lose lose situation. She doesn’t see you because you’ve got nothing, and if you’re doing well, she still sees your resources not you. And it seems so many divorces begin when one or both parties sees each other for the first time and see the scam that got them into this loveless business-contract most call a marriage.

Curious what this looks like from a woman’s perspective…

Edit: typos

pk2at · 2023-06-06T17:45:13+00:00

Best solution if for you to have a surrogate baby. Of course, it depends on your age, location and income, but having a baby for yourself removes most of the 'brutality' you mention

UN_sensored · 2023-06-06T19:17:50+00:00

That other sub should be renamed to r/Divorce_Bitches_Simps

ultrasuperthrowaway · 2023-06-07T00:33:03+00:00

Mine wasn’t bad at all. I just don’t feel the need to post about it because it wasn’t a big deal.

Probably a lot of that

Title	Divorce is just brutal.
Author	PocketSquare2023
Upvotes	52
Comments	107
Date	June 6, 2023 12:17 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/142e7fz/divorce_is_just_brutal/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/divorce-is-just-brutal.1221530 https://theredarchive.com/post/1221530

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