Struggling how someone you spend 2/3 of your life with can just end it

Malaine1 · 2023-08-17T15:58:41+00:00

Hey there.

I poke around on this sub and comment sometimes. You sound a little like me in that you acknowledge the end is here, but it is really difficult. You are thinking about how she could believe it is this bad, and you go through phases.

Glad to hear you are going to therapy. What kind of hobbies do you have that are just for you, do you have a friend group, support system?

I find oftentimes as humans were constantly trying to problem solve, figure things out, “why did she just leave?”

There could be a million reasons. And out of those million reasons more than 99% have nothing to do with you and all about her.

I notice a lot of the men on this subreddit are really blunt, and with good reason honestly. Women are hard to be in relationship with, and the system DOES often favor women in divorce.

I was fortunate in that my ex did not try to take the house (I put the downpayment on), and our divorce cost (legally) like 500 bucks. She was my best friend, lover, and I will always love her. We split once, both fucked other people then got back together again and eventually called it.

I always say this to men going through divorce.

Therapy Gym Hobbies (doesn’t matter what just do something) Run Read books Do one thing each day to treat yourself nicely it could be eating cookies, watching an episode of an awesome show.

Try to keep your body busy and your mind will follow.

Finally.. I know you’re here to not feel so lonely or to figure out what’s going on. You’re in the right place, you may just not like all the answers. It sucks but is the truth. Don’t criticize yourself for mourning the marriage, but don’t stay in one state for too long.. and wonder about all the “what ifs” and “if onlys”. She doesn’t.. I can almost guarantee that. She’s gone through her grieving already probably and now you’re starting the process.

Hope this helps a little. Chin up, you got this brotha. DM me if you’re feeling low I check Reddit often.

JohnnyMnemo · 2023-08-17T16:24:23+00:00

What still bakes my noodle, after a similarly long marriage, is what part of me is the marriage and what part is me.

You can't spend that long with someone to not be shaped by it. I will never live my 30s again.

We struggled together and we succeeded together, and for the most part had the same goals. Now when I reflect on who I am it's difficult to sort out the husband from the bachelor.

BurnDownTheMission68 · 2023-08-17T15:41:53+00:00

She found someone she likes better.

That is the reason.

Don’t expect her to come clean on this.

Rough-Area4765 · 2023-08-17T17:01:03+00:00

Its in their evolution. For thousands of years, caves, villages, cities, islands and coconut houses would get attacked by outsiders. Men would be killed. Offsprings would be slaughtered. Women would be saved for reproduction purposes. Their only way to survive is to adapt and accept the loss of the past and move on with the new mate. Its survival.

We, as men, never had the evolutionary track and hence why to this day we are shocked by the loss and the ease of which a woman can move on.

Its scientific. You are basically asking why a lioness can quickly adapt to a new lion that just killed her old man. Its survival. Adapt or be slaughtered.

Social media is an influence for sure, but deep down inside, it's simply evolution ensuring survival that turned into the "remorse or grief" emotion to be removed from women's biology.

My 2 cents!

SelectionNo3078 · 2023-08-17T15:43:43+00:00

Same. Together from 24-52

It is so easy for her to move on

ww3historian · 2023-08-17T15:38:42+00:00

She didn't "just end it". She had been planning this for years. She already mourned the death of the marriage so when she told you about it the first time you feel like she didn't care at all.

Also women don't care about the past. They have no loyalty, no honor, no sense of duty. Have you ever heard a woman be described as honorable?

Women only look to the future. She was convinced by FB, Insta, TikTok that her future will be better off without you than with you and she has no problem leaving you in the dust,

We men look at the past so we have a hard time understanding the decision, but for women it's pretty simple.

Classic_Dill · 2023-08-17T21:23:23+00:00

For some people, it’s very simple, they see the door of death growing a little bit larger as they get older, and they literally want to start checking things off the bucket list and live the way they want to, they don’t care about their spouse or anybody else, it’s their life to live, and they wanna leave it the way they want to, and you end up being an obstacle to their pleasure. I don’t get me wrong, I am not seeing the right! And more times than not, I have seen that spouse, who leads the marriage, call back in 5 to 6 years and apologize and realize that the grass wasn’t truly cleaner. My advice to you? Don’t bag, don’t bleed, and for God sake, do not sell yourself to them. It only makes things worse, it hurts, it sucks, the truth of the matter is, that trauma will never go away, but it does become minimized and compartmentalized over time and with healing. You’re gonna need to let them go, and if they do go? Please do yourself a favor, you completely go, cold, turkey, they’re not allowed to call you or talk to you, you don’t want to hear anything about them and if they call for you to do maybe something around their house, you have to say no, they broke the contract, and now they are out of the gang. Completely cold turkey.

NothingIsEverEnough · 2023-08-17T20:13:17+00:00

As you yourself mentioned, there is a silver lining.

she’s amicable, you should be too
the marriage is dead and has been for years to her
many of us often have self realizations when it is too late
life doesn’t end here. There is much joy to be had

The key is to make the divorce as fast, simple and amicable as you can

Fighting will lead to resentment which leads to bitterness

If you die with bitterness you’ve lost in life.

So go through the grief with kindness to yourself and her and allow yourself to move on.

As a reference, I’m involved in a 4 year custody battle and have spent $250k in fees and it isn’t over yet. One judge got booted and the next judge wants to keep the gravy train going.

fishingforthought · 2023-08-17T16:32:25+00:00

You are still in the Shock mode. When you can mentally accept that the relationship has run its course and is now ending, is when you can move on.

All relationships end at some point in time. Some end sooner than others. Your’s ended sooner than you expected.

WartimeDad · 2023-08-17T18:16:29+00:00

Give it some time.

Mitch00004 · 2023-08-17T18:15:43+00:00

I hate to say this but brother I can guarantee there’s someone else involved here. It’s always the same bullshit hey.

One thing that’s never different with women initiating divorce that seems sudden, they have a plan mate.

pk2at · 2023-08-17T18:28:07+00:00

I would never blame yourself for her walking out. Women go through a lights-out phase during which most divorces occur. They tend to view their entire history with you through a jaded lens and will lash out for survival. There is not much you can do, its simple biology. Its very tough to figure out exactly what caused the lights to go out, whether it was something you did, social media, friends, feminism etc. Just like its a waste of time trying to figure out what caused a cancer once you get it, you should look to see how to minimize damage

BlessedAF-FR · 2023-08-17T15:43:26+00:00

Struggling how someone you spend 2/3 of your life with can just end it

“Married at 19 (both of us) and now at 54 I don't understand how she can just walk away. I know I was not the perfect husband and I also know from counseling that this is not spur of the moment for her. She has been planning this for years it just feels sudden to me.”

Well OP..

warwww · 2023-08-17T19:37:15+00:00

Their body was there but not their mind or heart.

dukeofthefoothills1 · 2023-08-17T20:05:48+00:00

Age 24 to 59 here. 35 years; same as you.

TadpoleNo9258 · 2023-08-18T01:38:57+00:00

Maybe GD wants to open a new door for you

Cvdiva · 2023-08-18T13:08:42+00:00

It can happen. I never want to see or communicate to mine.

azwildcat74 · 2023-08-17T16:15:25+00:00

The only reasonable explanation I've ever been able to come up with is that they are liars, straight up. At a certain point in a relationship trust has been earned and is freely given and they betray that trust. That's on them, not you.

Ok_Transition_4914 · 2023-08-17T17:39:16+00:00

I'm 51, she was 54. We were married when I was 19. You can look at my first post here for some details, but in the beginning it was very amicable. We also were supposed to have no surprises, it was discussed. She's steadily gotten worse. I knew she was capable of this kind of behavior but I was completely blindsided by becoming the target of it.

I slept on the fold out couch until I couldn't handle living like a guest in the living room, moved to my workout room and slept on the floor for a while, and couldn't take it anymore and got an apartment. I don't know if I'm deluding myself or if I'm finally accepting that things were actually very bad for most of the 31 years and I'm just able to shed the guilt that I carried that I was the only problem during that time, but I was probably 4-5 months in before I could sleep well.

I'm sorry for your situation, but prepare yourself for meeting someone you don't know as the process continues.

Good luck. It does get better.

Lumpy-Prior3261 · 2023-08-17T18:27:19+00:00

I was in the same boat as you I'm 54 also spent half of my life with someone and out of the blue it was a 180 not that I'm perfect but when I put my things I needed in life to let them reach there's then when I have to sacrifice my entire days and nights to get to were I wanted to be working days going back to school at night watching the kids cooking ,cleaning bath the kids get them in bed laundry ,then if I was luck I would have 30 minutes to myself.she would get off at 12 am be home by 12:30 the latest thdni would get up just to spend some time with her .so then I end up stopping school for awhile and started a business to get us where we wanted in life bigger house cars we didn't need we had 5 of them and just some security in the bank savings not have to worry about money retire early but she had to start seeing some guy and sleeping with him after 12 years of marriage. Hell yes I was pissed off I broke a few pictures but for 18 months she wouldn't give me a glass of water if I was on fire . Until I sold our home and moved in with a new lady friend she then bot even a week later is calling me wanting me to take her back .why she could see I didn't need her to achieve my goals in life this went on for months I finally said look you didn't love me for 19 months now you want me back I know your still seeing him so I can't do it if it didn't happen the first time it probably won't the second and I don't want to go through that pain again I don't get it how someone can do that after 18 years it's been some years now i remarried and she passed after 5 yrs from cancer I have a gf now but we don't want to marry

Lumpy-Prior3261 · 2023-08-17T18:28:27+00:00

What I do t like I can move forward but done things she said about me isn't cool I never said anything bad about this woman how can see sit and say things she knows isn't true and feel ok about

Ok-Performance9816 · 2023-08-18T01:13:01+00:00

That’s why I am afraid to get married you could have been with some else now she wants to leave after you did all the work. That’s women for you lol

shadderjax · 2023-08-18T04:32:05+00:00

Well I as just sick as shit of her attitude toward me. She was apparently in a depression for 20+ years. Gained a lot of weight. Refused to do Any exercise, even a walk in the evening., and I had a gym built into the house. We could have no social friends because she had to get stoned every day starting around 8AM and continually till she crashed. Avoided people, watched TV all day, never made dinner or shopped for me, despite a new $170K tricked out kitchen she never used. Luxury car, 6 carat diamond, housekeepers, mah jong group, luxury international vacations, you name it. She had it all.

I ended it by moving over 2,000 miles away, suddenly, with no warning. Had I stayed, I’m sure that I would’ve done away with myself. I had no choice.

69manu · 2023-08-18T05:31:27+00:00

Same age and going thru a similar situation (23 years married). Was feeling very much like yourself and have been doing what others have prescribed on here. Gym, therapy, hobbies, self love. It is a roller coaster of a ride. Waves of emotions will hit you anytime anywhere - crazy things will remind you of her and reduce you to a slobbering mess. It’s part of the journey. Stay strong mate. I am slowly accepting it but it’s a battle. However this site has been very beneficial and helped me to understand we are not alone. Some stellar advice on here. It’s good to vent, you have to get it out. Good luck.

warrior_up · 2023-08-19T19:42:27+00:00

1.) because they profit 2.) technology & social media help them believe they’re special, desired and, dozens of pathetic chumps, old flings and boyfriends from high school wanting to bang them

Unfortunately, you were raised/conditioned at an early age to believe in “till death do us part”, there’s isn’t or shouldn’t be anything more important than family etc. relationship equity I.e. I did all these great things, I was a good man husband and father etc. WE ALL WERE, doesn’t mean shit. That’s right - none of it means shit to her. Your pain makes her more horny.

Fortunately, us men go through the grieving process like someone should after decades of marriage, loss and become better/stronger versions of ourselves, we become more high value to younger females the older we get.

Problem is that you have to realize that female nature in 2023 is what it is - 90% of women today are broken by promiscuous pasts, fake attention and unrealistic realities of what marriage means. They want the Facebook post not the wife/mother title

surviving a divorce, is arguable the toughest yet most valuable experience you’ll have in your adult life. it’s a wake up call. No matter who you are, Tom Brady to a grocery store clerk - this is the way it goes, 60-70% of the time.

Post divorce, 4-5 years or so……Men thrive …..that women you fell for and thought would never leave you, will live in a life of regret, bouncing around from man to man, other men that all now know marriage is/was not worth it. They will use her for sex and company but they will not (any real man) commit or deal with her aging body for long. She will not truly want a man like that either - they settle eventually they know their time is limited, they know the fantasy came crashing and there’s no man with a yacht, mansion or beach house that’ll even consider it. miserable with whoever she is with as it will never ever replace the one family unit she threw away. You’ll then feel sorry as you watch her go through all the consequences you saw and new would result from divorce. They become more bitter more angry and more pathetic

Thick skin & mental toughness - it was just your turn. It’s always just your turn. Your time energy and health is all about you now and you can spend your time turning your life into something you’ve never thought possible

You will be laughing at yourself soon about this post and the wasted energy you put into this women

Title	Struggling how someone you spend 2/3 of your life with can just end it
Author	computergeek89
Upvotes	58
Comments	56
Date	August 17, 2023 3:30 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/15tqulf/struggling_how_someone_you_spend_23_of_your_life/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/struggling-how-someone-you-spend-23-of-your-life.1228788 https://theredarchive.com/post/1228788

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