What Did You Tell Mutual Friends?

research002019 · 2023-11-02T03:16:32+00:00

I just told mutual acquaintances that we were divorcing but remaining amicable. That was not true and it came as a surprise to no one. I doubt one person at our wedding even thought we had a chance.

Anyway, the point is, do not bad mouth her to anyone except close family or friends (meaning that you need a healthy outlet to vent). When asked about the situation by anyone else, have a neutral response prepared. I went with, "Yes, it's a shame but sometimes things just don't work out."

Edit: I cannot express enough how important it is to never express negativity towards her in front of the children.

MR-Ozmidnight · 2023-11-02T03:14:02+00:00

Look if you don't get the truth out there first she will only spin it in her way making you the bady, get undeniable evidence of what she has done and let everyone know, your not going to be any worse of but have the satisfaction of knowing you put the truth out there, and if her AP, is married or has a HF let them know as well the cheaters hate when the light is tired on to there disposable ways,

Reflog1791 · 2023-11-02T05:18:20+00:00

Picked up golf made new friends. Couple years later we pile into a pickup and go on golf trips that are fun as shit. Can’t say I miss the vacations with the in laws.

potatotornado44 · 2023-11-02T03:08:42+00:00

No infidelity in my divorce, but I lost all of the mutual friends.

The majority of the time, all the mutual friends will side with the woman.

That’s just the way it goes.

sixpack7506 · 2023-11-02T12:27:11+00:00

Feel your pain brother… I got the same “I never did anything on my own. I just need space” bullcrap… then she told me she had a dude 17 years younger than me🙄

I didn’t have to say much to friends. SHE was telling everyone about her new interest. She told our kids almost immediately and started injecting him into our lives… Putting stuff on Social Media, bringing him around my boys etc…

As for friends? Most of them were my friends prior to her anyway, so I didn’t lose much there. I did lose a pretty awesome family on her side though. They didn’t “side” with her so to speak (some actually aren’t speaking to her over this), but I have slowly been distancing myself for my own healing purposes. I still talk to a few of them regularly.

No way would I hide and cover for her about what she did though. If anyone asked I’d just say “I was replaced with a newer model” and leave it at that. That usually ended the convo fairly quickly…. I never called her names or attacked her personally, just stated facts.

whereami113 · 2023-11-02T04:45:39+00:00

Any mutual friends were all ffor her..she was the one who was cheating and had the alcohol problems. No contact..blocked them all. I had one bloke i kept contact with for a while..then he let slip he knew of her plans to come after me financially after no contact for 7 years...and he never said anything to me...so i blocked him also and moved on.

Acceptable_Piano4809 · 2023-11-02T05:20:44+00:00

I chose not to bad mouth or say anything bad about my spouse unless it was family or close friends, and I didn’t exaggerate anything… she chose to badmouth me to anyone that would listen…. In the end this hurts her own credibility as she’s one of those women who wants to be seen as the strong independent type… so if she was so strong and independent why did she let all that happen, and it wasn’t only until she met a new man that she was strong enough to badmouth me? The more stuff she says the more it ruins her credibility… I also knew the truth that there has never been anything close to abuse, verbally or physically, and I had always been a completely faithful and loving husband… she also knew that… no matter what, she can’t make up a different reality at night when she lays her head on the pillow…. Everyone’s situation is unique but those that know me know the truth about what happened and those that choose to believe whatever she says don’t know me… I had the truth on my side and also maintained my self dignity and esteem by not having to bad mouth her

black65Cutlass · 2023-11-02T12:48:05+00:00

I told them the truth, I wasn't going to sugar coat my ex-wife's behavior. I had no problem telling them, don't want people to know you did something embarrassing? I guess you should have thought about that before you did it.

sea_change_2023 · 2023-11-02T13:09:51+00:00

You can tell the truth and not badmouth your ex or get detailed or emotional about it.

Simply state that “I was not the only man in our relationship” and everyone will understand without going further on about it.

Far_Excitement_4835 · 2023-11-02T10:13:57+00:00

As the first commenter said they all sided with her. This was hard at first but after sometime i realized it was a blessing.

Get ready to see who your true friends are.

Stay strong, stay composed. Your main concern are the children.

All the best

Ambitious-Cheetah-36 · 2023-11-02T15:25:16+00:00

the truth.....her story was a bit diff but it all eventually came out. As to "winning" mutual friends. IMO if they side with the offender, you arent losing much. The people that knew the truth, chose the side of truth. I really cant say I lost many at all as they had the same values I did and disagreed with what she did.

SuperConfused40 · 2023-11-02T15:53:23+00:00

Tell the truth as facts. Don't be mean or vindictive in this honesty. Tell them the fact that she cheated on you and wanted divorce. There is no anger or malice in that statement; no matter how much it hurts you, there is no reason to hide the truth. If friends knew and didn't tell you, drop them.

My situation didn't have any infidelity. I told all mutual friends that I could not handle her anxiety and anger. They ALL responded, saying we just thought it worked for you and didn't want to say anything about how toxic our relationship was... but if I screamed and belittled her in public the way she did to me, they would have accused me of abuse. It's an unfair hypocrisy of society. All mutual friends are still good with us both independently and have told me she's upset that she can't blame me for the divorce. Sigh.

RevolutionaryLaw8854 · 2023-11-02T04:28:56+00:00

Nobody cares about your problems - and half the people are glad you’ve got them.

“Thank you for your concern about our family. It’s been a very difficult time for us. Things didn’t work out the way we had planned. Thank you for giving us our privacy in this very difficult time.”

One_Cartographer_465 · 2023-11-02T13:17:21+00:00

I am pretty much a do my own thing and don't really care what others think kind of guy. People rely on me, more than I do on them. Having said that, My Ex's family HELPED to hide her affair, so when we divorced, she told everyone that I was cheating (even though our 5 yr. old son was with me 24/7). I didn't care enough to explain to any of our mutual friends. Soon after the divorce it became obvious that she was cheating (her boyfriend moved in with her within two weeks). Our mutual friends felt lied to and used by her and left her, even turned on her is a couple of instances. I would run into her "best friend" in the grocery store and she would tell me how the whole town now know what really happened. *Just an aside - I got custody of our son in the divorce.

moral of the Story, I didn't care enough to tell anyone my side, they all figured it out and felt betrayed by her. A betrayer is gonna betray.

I hope this may give a little perspective.

jimsmythee · 2023-11-02T14:18:26+00:00

I was perfectly honest about why I divorced her. To our mutual friends I just had this to say,

"Well after her third DUI crash..."

"She hurt the kids in her great big DUI crash."

Or I would save screen shots of her hateful text messages. Or I'd have her on speaker phone when she called.

No one, not even her closest family or friends, had any questions at all about why I divorced her.

Infinite_Ad_4765 · 2023-11-02T16:00:56+00:00

Married for 24, our mutual friends were couples (by her design). Now, trying to keep those friendships is like applying to become their 3rd wheel. Sure, they care about me, and the guys will ask to go to out for dinner when the wives have plans without them. I think it's mostly to hear the gossip of bad things are going for me, some fun content to report back to their wives, who are staying close to my STBX. Right now, I don't trust anyone with any kind of real personal info. I think you have to start over. Sorry.

i80west · 2023-11-02T07:14:39+00:00

A few brief sentences. They don't need to hear me vent but I'm happy to give them enough to know what's happening and why. Like I'd tell the judge.

rhett342 · 2023-11-02T11:24:09+00:00

We didn't really have many mutual friends at all. My friends I just said she had been lying to me about a guy she worked with. I found out, got mad, she left

Ever-learning271 · 2023-11-02T12:10:24+00:00

The less you say, the better! Truth always finds a way to surface on its own….let it all out to a very tight & trustworthy best-friend/family member and especially your therapist…if you don’t have one, I’d consider getting one as it truly helps you and allows you to be the Best dad you can be…Good Luck❤️‍🩹

Flapique · 2023-11-02T17:41:23+00:00

You don't have any more mutual friends. You'll have your friends and she'll have hers. It's very sad but true.

Secret-Pipe-8233 · 2023-11-02T21:28:09+00:00

Good friends know the characters of both people. I was married for 23 years, 2 kids. Head up high, integrity wins (even when self doubt doesn’t think it will).

I said straight up at the start to a few couples, ‘I don’t want to put you in awkward situations, and I do t want to be that guy that slags off his ex, I value our friendships too much’. Some of these people have been so helpful in my journey especially with the kids.

Stay strong, stay true to yourself, friends who want gossip are not friends.

dadplup · 2023-11-03T01:05:38+00:00

I said nothing unless they asked and even then I kept most of the reasons why we divorced to myself, otherwise it would've seemed like I was the angry ex trying to get even with her, but they knew about her Infidelities and mostly stayed out of it. It's important to not appear like the vindictive ex before court, it's hard to do but you must remain civil specially when kids are involved, good luck to you

prb65 · 2023-11-06T18:18:45+00:00

Tell family (hers and yours) as well as close friends. Depending on ages od kids and how they adapt, therapy is the best way to approach that. Even in elementary school they know things are wrong and will need some sort of reason to cling to. When they are older (high school usually) they want the real story.

Classic_Dill · 2023-11-02T15:31:00+00:00

Basically the truth, she got caught cheating, by the guys wife. The kids was a much more soft approach, mom had a friend she shouldn't of.

_vinland_ · 2023-11-02T05:26:30+00:00

Move on

Title	What Did You Tell Mutual Friends?
Author	SummerRound
Upvotes	30
Comments	37
Date	November 2, 2023 3:01 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/17lu021/what_did_you_tell_mutual_friends/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/what-did-you-tell-mutual-friends.1237100 https://theredarchive.com/post/1237100

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