My wife just told me she wants to separate... after these holidays. Don't know how to react.

fatboy-slim · 2023-12-08T05:47:14+00:00

Understand first that she has almost certainly had the separation up on her mind for some time before delivering the news to you - that is to say, she made the decision BEFORE announcing it to you, could have been days, weeks, months, I've even heard of cases where she pondered carrying it out for a year or more in advance. Point is, your wife already 'knew' deep down that it was over, the only lingering question from then onward was, of course, "when?"

Ask yourself how many times she actually had a heart-to-heart with you and discussed separating, If none, then you must take care to yourself and your kids for being so considerate to blind side you with the sudden newsflash that it's over out of nowhere. If you two did discuss splitting, if it seemed apparent that the relationship was headed straight for a gruesome ending, then you still remove yourself from a situation that no longer benefits you, especially when your emotions are still raw and the wounds are fresh.

In either case, she has had time to prepare for this, and you likely have not, unfortunately, so this will probably blast you like taking several rounds from a semi-automatic. You'll probably want to stop her from going through with the break up, but that's why it's crucial to comprehend that she has weighed out her options for a good deal of time now and is determined to follow through with her decision by the time that she tells you - it was NOT a snap decision. She's probably consulted friends, family, co-workers, people on forums, you name it, she's analyzed it to death...quite literally.

What you want to avoid is getting trapped in that purgatory where you recycle and replay the news from every possible imaginable angle - "what just happened? why did she do this?", questions which typically all funnel straight into the pit of despair (translation: FALSE HOPE) in the form of the question - "can I win her back?" The answer to that is "perhaps". What you do once she tells you that she wants to go separate ways is you quietly accept her decision, agree with it, and move along like it's no big deal. Why do you do this? Well, for starters, this will get her to question her decision. She may be EXPECTING you to fall apart, crying or begging is probably the worse way you can react, but all of those - fighting, crying, begging - ALL OF THEM will confirm to her that she made the right decision and that you NEED her in your life.

This said....work out relentlessly, excel at your job, rekindle any relationships with friends or family that may have fallen by the wayside while you were/are with her, immerse yourself in hobbies and interests, become the best possible version of YOU.

You are the one who now has to be on his best behavior be an example to your kids and relatives.

NotUsedUsernameYet · 2023-12-08T05:22:33+00:00

I was a was separated under the same roof for about 3 months. I did it and you will handle it too.

Schedule meeting with attorney. Do not move out!!!

Butters77771 · 2023-12-08T05:31:34+00:00

My wife said the same thing last night. I feel you bro

Excellent-Mongoose96 · 2023-12-08T05:09:33+00:00

I can definitely relate to what you are going through as my situation is similar . We agreed on divorce two weeks ago , and weren't going to tell the kids until the holidays are over . Same roof , same routine , different atmosphere.

My advice , if applicable ? As cliche as it sounds, look inside yourself and focus on you and the children . Realize that you have a lot to offer and that these wild roller coasters of emotions will pass . I personally have been focusing on audio books and DEEP diving to who I am as a person (journaling, calling myself out on shit, and putting my and kids' needs FIRST priority ) . This has helped me tremendously on acceptance and being able to weather the long drawn storm .

Feinixaway · 2023-12-08T05:14:47+00:00

I'm sorry to hear. Have you tried counseling?

My ex told me she wanted to separate the same day my mom was flying into town to stay with us for a month.

We even went to a wedding together and slept in separate beds at a luxury hotel I had booked beforehand as a treat for us.

What I found out later is that she was already fucking someone else. I acted like a simp trying to please her.

Then I just completely ignored her and spent time with my mom instead.

After my mom left, my ex asked me (well screamed at me) to leave the house. I told her to fuck off and she left. Her parents even congratulated me for standing my ground.

What you really should start doing is reading the laws wherever you live and asking around for divorce lawyers. For all you know she's already got one.

Lumpy-Prior3261 · 2023-12-08T05:52:12+00:00

Don't leave your house she can't make you and I will tell you I red this same thing all the time has your bedroom died is she on her phone at night instead of spending time with the family ? I'm 99 % sure she wants to or already has been hooking up with a guy at work old bf or someone from a gym this is so common what will happen she will saying want to separate them let's say you leave them she will contact you after your out and say she wants s a divorce and she won't back down since your not in the he . She either is feeling guilty for cheating or on the verde and already has been talking with someone it's an everyday thing here . If I. Wrong I would say so I tell this all the time and a week later you guys were right she was seeing someone else now he is living in my house and I'm out sleeping on my buddies couch

Tell her your not leaving the house and legally she can't make you her lawyer will tell her straight up and any conversations with her record them she might try to get a restraining order on you if you have her saying shes going to get one on you good luck with that you have a recording of her threatening you, when you do go to court you have something to fight back with if not they will give her one . A judge will be pissed if she makes a faults statement against you it won't be good

Theedon · 2023-12-08T08:14:49+00:00

I did everything you are thinking of doing and she still left.

So do this....wake up tomorrow and list the house for sale. Get that sign on the front yard asap. Close your current bank accounts and open new ones in a new bank. Cash your payroll checks at a check cashing store. Put anything of personal value to you in self storage. Call a lawyer and file the separation legal paperwork. This protects any spending she does from coming back on you to pay for. Freeze your credit. Cancel having family over for the holidays and tell them it due to the divorce. There is no reason to hide it. You didn't start this, she did.

I sat through Thanksgiving dinner with my EXs family and pretended our family was fine. After dinner she went a leased a new car. That pissed her family off and I was left at the house to answer questions.

Anyways, she would gut you like a pig if it was legal. She hopes the Judge in family court will do it for her. And right now, you are about to hand them the knife.

If you want to keep the house, offer to buy out her equity but she has to leave now.

Your kids will be fine, just like all the other broken families caused by EX wives.

Classic_Dill · 2023-12-08T17:08:33+00:00

I would skip the separation and just file for divorce, she has you working off her timeline, it will take a few years to have the dust settle, but youll get there, it takes serious time to heal, but dont work off her timeline, you need to protect yourself now and form a legal battle plan, dont go soft, dont be manipulated, dont see yourself as the bad guy (unless you are, i hope not) half the joint bank account, tell your family and friends and lean on their support, divorce, shes asking to have a separation first so she can plan her take off from the marriage, dont play it, just file. The rest of your life is working on YOU (be selfish) and being the best damn dad you can be, she s out! you no longer need to care about her feelings or her life, not your problem, get a co parenting app and stop all communication with her, except the kids schedule (use the app) you are no longer the person she can call if she gets a flat tire or other, and NEVER!!!!! talk trash about her in front of the kids, its a lose/lose and lacks class.

playerknowmore · 2023-12-08T20:41:22+00:00

Never separate so she can taint herself on the streets. File for divorce now. Your marriage is over, and there's probably a coworker somewhere. If you have your shit together, new relationships are always a possibility. But the lack of respect in your marriage can only grow.

The Wall is looming. There's no saving them from their Instagram reality.

FUMoney · 2023-12-08T13:33:59+00:00

Be strategic. Start working on the divorce. Now.

Retain counsel. Open your own checking account, savings account. Cancel joint credit cards. Get absolutely everything set up to proceed with a swift, efficient, terminal divorce. Know your rights. Know hers. Get familiar with likely outcomes. Don’t guess. Don’t assume. Know.

As for playing pretend with families over the holidays, I personally would not. But it’s up to you. If you can deal with the land of make-believe, well o.k. Not me. I personally would cancel every last fucking thing, telling people my wife asked for a separation and divorce, hence the holidays are over. Over, just like this marriage. There is no point, and no joy, in fake-ass holidays while you and your ex lie to everyone’s face.

But get ready. You’re going from marriage, to what may be a bitter business breakup, and divorce is all about the money and property.

ballzdeepinbacon · 2023-12-08T10:44:29+00:00

So… she’s already made it awkward by telling you. If you can, spend time getting your stuff in order and working with her on points you agree on. Get a lawyers advice on what you’re entitled to and what she’s entitled to based on your situation. But in doing that don’t necessarily go after everything - or let her have everything. It’s more for knowledge. You can work through the separation agreement without having to tell the family. Depending on your kids, line up some counselling. Figure out the living arrangements. Connect with good friends that are yours if you have them - and if you don’t, it’s a good time to start building your tribe. Try to keep your drinking down as you get into the holidays, you don’t need to have a drunken outburst or anything. If you need help, seek it. It’s ok to be upset and confused and angry. Try to work through those feelings in a positive way.

sicrm · 2023-12-08T14:04:52+00:00

start booking consult with lawyers (some do free ones).

maybe you can sort it out yourself/through mediation.

talking to a lawyer beforehand though gives you a baseline and someone you could possibly hire if she hires one.

captainchippsixx · 2023-12-08T18:30:57+00:00

My advice is to fake it when around others. When with her, treat her like a shitty roommate. Meaning don’t initiate conversation with her. In fact for the most part ignore her. When the kids don’t need you at night, hit the gym. Don’t be around her. Eat healthy.

Two. See a lawyer. Know the process and specifics for your state. You need to start writing your plan today! Dragging out divorce means you pay for more of everything (if your the primary) for longer.

Are you separating and living together?

Miscellaneous tasks -Begin with changing your personal passwords.
-put alerts on accounts you share - if you have a large savings account etc think about moving half into a new account. -look at your debts. Reduced limits on credit cards Basically know your assets and debts inside out and nothing happens without you knowing.

Spouses women like to do the following. -drain accounts - false accusations - attempt to legally kick you out and limit your time with kids. -call your work and tell them false accusations It goes on and on.

I said “not my ex wife.” She didn’t drain the accounts but changed the password on me. Claiming she was in momma bear mode. But 50 years I have been stand up character guy and not a spender. She was the spender. She said I was controlling. She was the controller. She was a bully. What I’m saying is whatever bad characteristics she has will Manifest into dirty tactics by her guaranteed.

So don’t be a simp doormat. Be a man. Stand your ground. Be a leader and good dad for your kids. Don’t be afraid to say no. Whatever you do ahi is going to try some shit. If you simp she will walk all over you.

HeadhunterToronto · 2023-12-08T13:57:05+00:00

Be very, very careful. That’s a pile of Tinder…just needs a match.

MrCleanWI · 2023-12-08T16:18:09+00:00

You will go the full gauntlet of emotions, beginning in November I was told we were getting a divorce. I went through being completely miserable and crying at the drop of a hat to being angry and vengeful to now where all of that has settled down and I've come to grips with everything. You just have to let your mind go through the emotions and you will get to the other side.

MoxOmega · 2023-12-08T15:11:30+00:00

No female just wakes up one morning and says “i want a divorce.” She’s been thinking about it for at least the last year, and her girlfriends have more than likely been encouraging her. Don’t be shocked if she’s also been having dinners with another guy, maybe a co-worker or someone she met online or an ex boyfriend. The bad news is, she’s had time to plan and is ahead of you on that front. If you haven’t already, open an individual checking account, start moving your direct deposit into the new account. The last thing you want is for her to withdraw all the money from your joint account, because if she does, there is nothing, and I repeat NOTHING the bank can do, as she has equal authority on the joint account. Working in the financial industry, I see that happen all the time. While dinners might be awkward, remember it’s about the kids now, and when around them, try not to argue, because she will more than likely try to bait you into one in front of them. Remember in a divorce, a 50/50 split is seen as a lose for the female, she is going to try for at least a 60/40 if not 70/30 split in financial assets, and she will try to go for max alimony with child support.

PokerFriend247 · 2023-12-08T05:46:12+00:00

Not to ruin everyone’s Christmas except yours. 🙄

Nasty women.

Stay strong 💪🏽 and may strength be with you through the hols.

EnvironmentalAd3558 · 2023-12-08T08:35:29+00:00

It is time for you to take back control of your life. She does not to control the timing now that she has become a walk away wife. Asap, hire a good divorce attorney, have the attorney file and has service on her be her first notice that you have taken these steps. Don’t telegraph anything about this to her and act like nothing has changed. Avoid all conflict with her. Just take behind the scene steps to protect you and your assets.

She just dropped a truck on you and expects you to remain cool during this time. It will be interesting to see if she can keep her cool after she is served.

SoupDense1670 · 2023-12-08T15:34:19+00:00

Hey if she wants to separate and its final you can’t stop it. Do you really want to work on it, then listen to “no more mr nice guy” maybe you can have a chance at reverting it all back. No point in putting up an act.

Act fast now. Go through the book. Change your self. See if she reacts to your changes and basically work your way through that.

Anyway just be honest with everyone and specially your family. Tell them your wife wants to separate and that you might divorce. No need to put up an act. Just be confident. Also be honest with your self. Journal it up. And get through your negatives. It will not only help you now but even if you got a divorce.

Last thing you want to do is alienate yourself. Talk to men, your dad, your brother, your cousins, uncles and male friends.

End of the day why would you want to keep up this mess atleast for the sake of your kids. Fix it by fixing your self and if she is not reciprocating the same way and you are not seeing result then go ahead and separate. But yeh “no more mr nice guy” and your eyes will start to open up.

Stonewall6789 · 2023-12-08T17:55:57+00:00

Protect yourself fellow kings!

Family law courts favor the wife in majority of cases. My brother, you are already behind the 8 ball, I guarantee she has been working up to this for at least the last 12-18 months. Whatever you do, do not, I repeat, DO NOT show weakness, because that will make it way worse for you. Don’t go crying in front of her, or trying to win her back with date night or sending flowers to her, because she will laugh and throw them in the trash, all while laughing at you to her girlfriends or the guy she is seeing behind your back. Sorry, that’s the truth and unfortunately the truth isn’t kind.

Nothing is ever amicable in a divorce, even if she wants it to be, it’s not. The moment you disagree with her, she will go nuclear on your ass, I say that because I’ve seen it happen. Trust us, she already has her plan A, B, C, D, etc, she’s talking to friends, I promise you she’s already talked to a few attorneys. She has all her ducks lined up and is just biding her time.

You have to play catch up. Do not show any weakness! Try not to argue, especially in front of the kids as she will use that against you in court. RECORD EVERYTHING!!! And I mean EVERYTHING!!!

If she truly wants it amicable, then your retirement is 100% off limits. Again, I’ve seen many guys lose up to 60% of their 401k.

For me, I knew we were heading for divorce, but covid actually stalled it. So I used the CARES ACT to withdraw the max from my 401k, which which was $100k, then I took 2 loans out for $25k during 2020 ($50k total), both amounts went to my sisters savings account. That left roughly $40k left in it.

Fast forward to Jan 2023, divorce is filed, her attorney asked for 2 years of financial statements, so what I did in 2020 didn’t show up, and she was only awarded $30k from my 401k, and she was PISSED!!! So early next year, my sister will be writing me a check for $150k, just waiting on the waters to settle.

bg555 · 2023-12-08T05:42:05+00:00

I would play the Uno reverse card here. Say something like, “ok, I didn’t want to be the bad guy, but I think we should divorce”. The moment you say that, she’ll likely come crawling back.

Good luck man, stay strong!

4rdfun · 2023-12-09T00:04:51+00:00

WTF? If she doesn't want to ruin the holidays why tell you now? Hang in there man, you'll get through this, it'll suck, but you'll make it.

BaldieGoose · 2023-12-09T00:29:41+00:00

Get a lawyer and serve her papers at dinner.

wisstinks4 · 2023-12-09T04:11:50+00:00

I would ask her to move out of your master bedroom. Reminder her what she is losing, insurance coverage, any semblance of retirement, a decent husband, cut off finances, vacations.

Good_Dirt_9914 · 2023-12-09T09:10:34+00:00

One more thing (speaking from my own experience) The timings of her announcement to u is also very important because somebody from your family will face/body/ emotions read your uneasiness & ask , what's wrong .as a result, u would be the one spilling the beans.i am in exactly the same situation with 4 kids . It's sad 😔

samk002001 · 2023-12-09T11:30:43+00:00

Sorry mate! Divorce is just another new normal in our days and ages, and we will just have to live through it, just like a bad breakup! People are so unwilling to love people anymore. Tough it out, respect yourself enough that don’t beg for reconciliation or show your emotions to her. I found that most women are sadist, and they love to see a man suffer emotionally, don’t let her have that! Find your closest friend or siblings to talk about your feelings, or perhaps, go get a counseling session for it. I’ve been to where you’re now, found out she’s cheating and still have to go to my mom’s birthday dinner, thanksgiving dinner, etc. together with her and my son! 🤢 Be strong, you will get over it.

potatotornado44 · 2023-12-09T14:20:05+00:00

I went through this last year during the holidays of 2022.

It was pretty rough, but not because of my own emotions. It was watching the kids having such a joyful time, and everyone eating, drinking and smiling. Then here I am, withdrawn and sitting apart from everyone, knowing what’s about to happen.

Christmas songs would make me cry, and I couldn’t get the motivation to buy gifts even for my side of the family until the very last minute.

Things definitely changed when we announced our divorce in January of this year (finalized in August). Her family basically declared me dead and at fault for everything. Guess I’m not invited to their Christmas dinner anymore 🤣😂

This year, at least I know what I’m dealing with. I’m planning to start some new traditions with the kids and my side of the family. Things will be different, but everything will turn out for the best. At least I have free reign on what my holidays will look like.

A word of advice, don’t fall for the “please don’t tell anyone” shit that I did. When we made our official announcement, I discovered that most of her friends and coworkers already knew. Guess she was allowed to tell people.

Bullshit!

This is a huge event in your life, you deserve and will be better off with the support of family and friends. You are under no obligation to keep HER secrets.

One-Produce-1195 · 2023-12-09T19:12:12+00:00

Talk to your lawyer ASAP that’s what you should do.

The current wife you call yours at the moment is about to become your ex wife.

Treat this situation w the seriousness it deserves.

Title	My wife just told me she wants to separate... after these holidays. Don't know how to react.
Author	somethingstumpy
Upvotes	35
Comments	73
Date	December 8, 2023 4:45 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/18deydq/my_wife_just_told_me_she_wants_to_separate_after/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/my-wife-just-told-me-she-wants-to-separate-after.1240211 https://theredarchive.com/post/1240211

Comments

So don’t be a simp doormat. Be a man. Stand your ground. Be a leader and good dad for your kids. Don’t be afraid to say no. Whatever you do ahi is going to try some shit. If you simp she will walk all over you.