Were signs there before your divorce? Pre-marriage specifically?

Adventurous-Funny777 · 2024-06-27T02:56:29+00:00

Rage, poor financial skills, father was a rager.

tempussecundus · 2024-06-26T22:50:21+00:00

Came from a family whose mother physically, sexually,verbally, and emotionally abused her and her siblings. Dad was working too much or aloof to notice. Then she just presses the nuclear button on me when the going got tough. It's like I was/am being punished for the sins of her mother, whom she refuses to do anything about or set any sort of boundaries.

JamJarBlinks · 2024-06-25T12:55:51+00:00

Random rage outbursts, inability to be accountable and conflict resolution boiling down to me bending over backward to pacify my spouse with no reciprocity -> Resentment -> Withdrawl / Burnout -> Loss of intimacy -> Cheating -> Divorce.

l3tsR0LL · 2024-06-25T11:46:53+00:00

In my case, the red flags appeared after 15 yrs of marriage. I was in denial for the next 5 yrs and then everything came to light and it hit hard

DuelCitizener · 2024-06-25T11:34:13+00:00

This is worth reading

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/divorce-busting/202209/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome-revisited?amp

Fluffy-Concentrate76 · 2024-06-25T06:26:05+00:00

100% Yet I ignored the red flags

drase · 2024-06-25T02:22:05+00:00

Party girl, raging alcoholic, short tempered, anger issues.

Become_Pneuma · 2024-06-24T22:59:40+00:00

Poor relationship with father, high body count, sense of victimhood, sense of entitlement… too many to list. To my detriment I ignored them all. Chalking it up to lessons learned that I will apply to my new relationship.

Strict-Front-2375 · 2024-06-24T22:33:47+00:00

Hmm, Pre marriage, I'm not sure. I guess the 'obvious' red flag was she had a very active sexual past, but was 'ready to settle down' which is....well, that's not how it works, but I believed what I was supposed to believe.

The bigger issue was she let people take advantage of her, or pressure her into things, and wouldn't think badly of them. Like, a month into dating she went over to a co-workers house, and said co workers boy friend was there, and they pressured her into doing Hookah with them. She cried to me the next day about it, but wouldn't understand those were people she shouldn't be around. Same thing with one of her friends brothers, he came into town, she was hanging out with them, and gets pressured into doing shots with them, when her friend knew she hated that, which she's all of 5'3 and 100 lbs. Or a boss who was yelling at her and screaming and throwing things at the co workers, she'd say is a 'nice guy'.

Well, the first later got fired for stealing from work and later picked up drug charges, the middle picked up domestic charges, and the latter was eventually fired and part of a law suit against the company. All bad people, she should know not to hang around with, but she did, and it burned her, but she acted like she didn't know why.

Other things like not finishing school, not having a career, being in debt, I guess? Those didn't bother me, I wasn't looking to get married to make money.

1984BurnerAccount · 2024-06-24T21:27:11+00:00

Narcissists, learn the behavior

celticmoose · 2024-06-24T20:48:37+00:00

I met my STBXW at work, while she was married. I had a huge crush on her but kept it repressed, and it was to the point I was ready to quit the job because I couldn’t handle working with her and not having her any more.

Anyways, she quits the job and is moving back to her home state. Two weeks before she does, she tells me she is getting a divorce. She tells me after she’s done but a few weeks before moving she’s had feelings for me and I tell her the same. We agree to wait a few months to go on a date but there is a lot of making out, but we also both agree to wait on sex. We do long distance for a few months, writing love letters. She begs me to move out, then when I do she begs me to propose, then next begs me to have kids. All before I was really ready for any of those things. Didn’t want to lose her.

Fast forward 12 years and she is having like a mid life crisis, doing therapy, realizes we jumped into a relationship too soon, she didn’t get over the trauma from her first marriage, realizes she was mainly interested in me because I was the opposite of her ex and that our sex life was really good (also opposite of her ex), and she never really loved me.

So don’t date someone fresh out of a major breakup and the signs were rushing the major events along. She would be crying asking when I was going to propose. It was a stressful time and I almost left. Wish I would have, but she was out of my league and I thought she’d make a good wife and good mom. Also thought she was crazy about me.

Dr_Venkman_ · 2024-06-24T19:01:06+00:00

She said she was “unhappy” one night and in tears. Said it was a lot to handle, kids, housework, work, etc. To appease I doubled down and took kids to appointments, watched the kids on Friday nights while she partied until 4am and came home drunk and high, paid for more things, and on and on. I knew it was over when she said “I was talking to my ultra liberal, no kid, unmarried friend and want an open marriage”. No amount of honey do list items will ever be enough to make them shoot once they flip the switch.

MonarchistExtreme · 2024-06-24T18:11:07+00:00

The few people whom I tell my story to always sympathize and say the nice things and say how awful my ex was. I always correct them that this was all ENTIRELY my fault. I knew the nature of her when she was my girlfriend and married her anyway. I ignored some really good and promising off ramps in our marriage that would have lead me to a better life/job/etc but I kept living for her.

Then she did what she was always going to do and I felt angry but mostly angry at myself. I had 17 years to get off the train tracks but I just stood there smiling like an idiot as she ran over me ROFL

OPs_Mom_and_Dad · 2024-06-24T18:05:07+00:00

Yes. Couldn’t hold a job, refused to help around the house, etc. She kept saying she was just in a funk and I met her at a weird time. We got married. Nothing changed over the years, it only got worse.

who_tf_woke_me · 2024-06-24T18:03:25+00:00

She cheated on me in the early dating phase with some ugly loser. Settled for me after 5 years of on-off relationship. 7 years in, she fell for another fat short hairy and balding idiot. But nothing happened! She just wanted friends!

Beneficial_Town2403 · 2024-06-24T17:40:37+00:00

Yes. She exhibited controlling behavior and deep insecurities but I assumed it was like that with most women and would get better with time. Well, it got significantly worse

l3landgaunt · 2024-06-24T16:52:02+00:00

She always had someone more important then me

Edit and her mom’s on marriage 5 and taught her to always have an escape plan

Appropriate_Breath91 · 2024-06-24T16:45:05+00:00

There were definitely a lot of signs over my 15 years with her.

I’m sure she would say the same about me; though.

I crossed an ocean for her; at 18 years old working a minimum wage job; converted religions; immigrated her to the states; but my wedding band wasn’t good enough for her family. They bought this big gaudy diamond ring for her to wear besides mine.

I remember how disrespected I felt then; but I swallowed my pride. Sadly, her family remained an epic thorn in my side for entire marriage to her (and well, after it turns out too! 🙄)

They and her created this idea that life for me should’ve been a mountain of unlimited monetary and personal growth. That I should never stop climbing; and if I stumbled; I was not good enough for her or them.

It was hell. I didn’t deal with it well; I developed some pretty severe anxiety because I was constantly being threatened with her “love” being taken away and after a while I started to rebel in my own way.

I stopped even remotely trying with her religion (Islam) ; I stopped trying to better myself (nothing was ever good enough anyway); and I kind of just started embracing who I was and where I came from.

I of course went and had two children with her though. So we tried to make it work for longer than we should have;

And by “we” I mean; she did nothing but lay around and call it “compromising” while I slaved away like an idiot for her to take it all away in the end… anyway. lol

Many lessons learned… I suppose.

Great-Grasby · 2024-06-24T16:18:45+00:00

I didn't realize until after the separation that I was absolutely love-bombed while dating. She pretty much begged me to propose. I'm not sure how much of it was me having rose-colored glasses for a woman who I thought was out of my league or her just hiding who she really was until after the marriage ceremony. More than likely a combination of both.

Bumblebee56990 · 2024-06-24T14:49:04+00:00

Yes there are signs before and I ignored it. Never again!!

ramboton · 2024-06-24T14:49:01+00:00

6 months into our marriage she cheated. It was not a physical relationship, it was someone 2k miles away on the internet, but it was photos, sexting, phone sex etc., but the hurt is the same. At first I was too embarrassed to admit that our marriage had only lasted 6 months, so we discussed it and moved on. She did it again 2 more times in 3 years. Then she became pregnant with twins (no doubt that they are mine as they look like my kids from my first marriage) The first few years with the kids was good, then she went into a cycle of being lazy, not willing to work, not being financially responsible. I decided that I wanted a divorce but I did not want to leave the twins. I held out until they were 20 years old. When the time came, the twins were on my side and even encouraged me to leave her. Part of me says that I should have left her in the first 6 months, but if I had then I would not have my amazing twins. Had I divorced when they were young I may not have been as close to them as I am now, so in the end it was all worth it.

Weary_Landscape_7098 · 2024-06-24T14:15:31+00:00

I did not see it at the time (since it was mostly behind my back) but there was a huge lack of respect for me. I found out after we separated that she had been talking crap about me behind my back for years, going as far back as before we were married.

RaiderCC16 · 2024-06-24T13:58:11+00:00

Looking back there were signs but either I was too blind to see them or I saw them and just pushed them down. My situation was online cheating so may be a little different but here are the things that happened that I should have caught on to -

Her getting new boobs- already had fake ones and got bigger and perkier ones Spending more time reading smut books Spending more time away from me and the kids- taking hours long baths, going to bed early, etc Being overly distant Not willing to compromise on things Sleeping in a separate room for 4 years Not willing to put our kids before herself in the fact that she wouldn’t pick them up if she got off early so she could come home and nap (aka sext with her 20+ online boyfriends) I could go on

While my separation is fairly new- the signs were all there and I didn’t see them or I did and I turned a blind eye to them for the sake of our marriage. Now that the truth is out, I have taken the time to reflect and I realize that she was done at least 2 years ago if not longer and it’s been a little helpful in getting over the emotional heartbreak. While I’m still in love with her, it truly lessens each day because I remind myself of what she did and how she is as a partner. Good luck to you man-

kellyjj1919 · 2024-06-24T12:49:50+00:00

There wasn’t any real flag or things I thought was off. She had wild times in her 20s, but that’s what the 20s are for.

During our marriage no flags really either, till she had a repressed memory of a rape pop & she cheated and attempted suicide.

That was just the beginning.

Equivalent_Rabbit_62 · 2024-06-24T11:22:06+00:00

We were roommates for years and years before the divorce.

Everything that was wrong in the marriage was always my fault.

She had absolutely no ability or desire to self reflect.

Even when we went to marriage counseling, I got the distinct feeling we were only there so they could fix me.

To this day, she believes that the demise of the marriage was totally my fault.

BaldieGoose · 2024-06-24T10:26:00+00:00

Every woman in her family divorced and shacked up with a coworker just like she ended up doing
She would rather pop pills than seek therapy and deal with her anxiety
Daddy issues
She was bad at sex and before we got engaged I kept hooking up with women I was more attracted to sexually but convinced myself I loved her enough to stop and settle down
She was super lazy about chores and I ended up with a lot of resentment from doing everything
She had a stinky butt that grossed me out in any position but cowgirl which doesn't feel the best
Bad with saving money
Lazy and just wanted to scroll TikTok or watch Hallmark all day which led me to play video games constantly to combat the boredom and I got super fat; since we divorced I am dating someone who is also outdoorsy and lost 70 lbs

Ncfc48 · 2024-06-24T09:29:09+00:00

My ex wife when she lived in new Zealand with her auntie and cousins in her early 20s (we are English) slept with a few bad boys some had girlfriends, when we first started dating she had moved back home to England she told me she normally only went out with drop dead gorgeous blokes and it must have been 6 months before we slept together after marriage and our son was born sexless marriage surprise surprise! 6 years ago she tried to monkey branch to her EX friends husband our neighbours, well she obviously got dumped just after breaking our family up I built myself back up gym become an even better dad like to think I was already good! She spent a couple of years flirting and hinting for apparently hot! Ex husband well lots of her friends said that to her She never admitted what really happened she also comes from divorced parents and a narcissist mother so yea all the signs were there guys

Psychological_Art823 · 2024-06-24T09:20:44+00:00

Yea her broken relationships with immediate family members. Her jokes at my expense in front of friends and family. Not respecting my time. Not meeting halfway on anything. Overly friendly with male coworkers.

Plenty of red flags. I take my fault in it though. Just assumed we would always get back to a good place. Lost respect for myself for not addressing the issues and taking it all.

MR-Ozmidnight · 2024-06-24T08:59:01+00:00

In plain sight, there were signs that I ignored, as my best friend's mom had warned me not to. Her mask slipped a few times, which I should have really noticed, but I didn't. When you're in a relationship, you don't expect to have to watch your partner so closely, especially during the honeymoon period, so I let the little things go. But as with everything in life, you learn, but that also gradually diminishes your love.

AntonDenikensPenis · 2024-06-24T08:10:58+00:00

Pre marriage, Her banging another dude and breaking up with me. Me forgiving her and taking her back. Wait, what?!?! She did it again! Almost in the exact same way!!!?! WTF!?!

I am a idiot, lol.

Never again.

upvotersfortruth · 2024-06-24T07:44:06+00:00

I won't say I ignored them, didn't know enough to see them and recognize them for what they were. Amazing how over the course of months, diminutive cuteness morphs into perpetual victimhood.

fixingmedaybyday · 2024-06-24T07:33:05+00:00

I ignored them. When she showed up half an hour late I took it as “she’s so important at work” as opposed to she’s disrespectful of me. I ignored how critical she was of others and how she might turn that towards me. She was a quitter and I looked past that.And why? Because the good times were that good. She brought out some of the best in me. And I always that that someday we’d get back there. I was wrong.

Title	Were signs there before your divorce? Pre-marriage specifically?
Author	ZealousidealBase9229
Upvotes	12
Comments	76
Date	June 24, 2024 6:55 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1dn7a6k/were_signs_there_before_your_divorce_premarriage/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/were-signs-there-before-your-divorce-pre-marriage.1522186 https://theredarchive.com/post/1522186

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