Q4W: Which of the following is most concerning in a potential partner, and why? Which do you find most acceptable?

lovelythecove · 2024-08-13T14:48:36+00:00

I’m not sure any of them are concerning in and of themself but 1 and 6 (the extremes) would make me want to know more before proceeding. For example, a quieter guy into Magic the Gathering, fishing, Crossfit, and experimental rock who works in tech may naturally end up with less female friends, because his social opportunities in his hobbies are mainly men. I don’t consider that a red flag. But on the flip side, a guy that explicitly has beliefs women aren’t worthy of friendship (like thinking the only reason to socialize with women would be sex or love) is a red flag and I would avoid a man like that. It’s not really about IF they have strong female friendships, but how they speak about them/the possibility/etc.

Similarly, a man that is — for whatever reasons — unable to ever befriend other men… it would make me question why. It would also be a red flag to me if the female friends are overly involved with him/his dating life. (And indeed I did break up with my last BF for such a reason, among other things.)

It’s normal and healthy to connect with a range of people, both men and women, even if you end up congregating with your own sex more often. So someone that’s unable to have that healthy range is a yellow flag. But not always a red flag. Just def something to pay attention to and really sus out why that’s the way their friendships have shaken out.

egalitarian-flan · 2024-08-13T13:35:33+00:00

None of these are concerning to me. I find all of them acceptable, because I've fallen into a few of these types of opposite sex friendship ratios myself over the years. It would be hypocritical to have a problem with any of them.

MistyMaisel · 2024-08-13T14:39:07+00:00

None of these really concern me on the face of it, the why of it would be where my concerns could kick in.

Like I look at 6, and the only way that concerns me is if it's because he seems like he may be gay or he's a player and these are all girls he's hooking up with and hanging out with. If he's just some dude who happens to really get on with women platonically, grand, I think a lot of us have that phase in life.

I look at 1, and the only way that concerns me is if it's because he's some basement dwelling woman hater or weirdo who doesn't think men and women can be friends. Otherwise, lots of dudes I know don't have female friends cuz they just were never in a spot to really hit it off with a girl.

januaryphilosopher · 2024-08-13T14:13:29+00:00

I wouldn't call any especially concerning as sometimes it just happens that way - for example my husband had no female friends during most of his teenage years because he's introverted and went to an all boys' school. But my least preferred option would be no female friends as it can indicate they can't see women as normal people or don't like them outside of sex-/relationship-specific things. I'd most prefer someone who has a handful of female friends as that would be the same as me so we'd probably fit into each other's friend group well.

leosandlattes · 2024-08-13T13:47:37+00:00

The answers are dependent on how close of friends they are, what the context is, and some other factors, but generally:

Most concerning is 6. Men do not typically keep all-female friend groups so this would be so wildly out of the norm that this lets me know he is not a normal man.

Most acceptable is 3-4. I think it's healthy for people to have mixed gender friend groups, and people normally have some opposite sex work friends anyway.

kalashhhhhhhh · 2024-08-13T13:48:53+00:00

I would be concerned the most if he only had female friends (he might be too girly even for me as even I have some male friends, and why can't he bond with other men?). I would still prefer if he had only female friends as opposed to him having no friend.

The only other one that would not be ideal is if he had 0 female friends or at least acquaintances that he was cool with, but we could go past that if it's not a result of some type of prejudice.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2024-08-13T14:26:57+00:00

It's a tossup between 1 & 6 for "most concerning" for me. Do you just not like women for anything other than a sex partner? Can you not communicate with women? Do you not like other men, do you have any problem communicating with them? Are you going to throw fits about my guy friends? Are you going to talk shit about my female friends?

waffleznstuff30 · 2024-08-13T16:17:38+00:00

Guys who don't have any friends that are women tend to be stunted. They only view women as potential relationships..

Sharp_Engineering379 · 2024-08-13T14:32:34+00:00

Most concerning.
Least concerning.

I’ve dated two men who immediately abandoned all their friends and hobbies and attached themselves to my side like a lantern fish. I cannot be someone’s sole source of entertainment, comfort, activities, affection, confidence, company, and sex.

Both of those men also resorted to criticizing women unprompted and unprovoked.

Many men believe the myth that women hate one another and a lot of men will put other women down as a form of fawning.

It also serves the purpose of grooming. “Did you see what Ally is wearing? She always has her boobs out. That’s so insecure.” “Allison always hugs other men right in from of her boyfriend, she’s so disrespectful I feel sorry for Drew.”

Using a proxy to influence others is both insecure and controlling.

I don’t wanna date a man who doesn’t like women or who aggressively attempts to isolate us both. I will always prefer people who have a mixed social group.

Unhappy_Offer_1822 · 2024-08-13T14:12:21+00:00

most are not concerning it would be moreso the fact that if he is a highly social person then it just wouldnt work out

beautyloser · 2024-08-13T14:59:31+00:00

only 1 for me is concerning, all the rest are okay with me. i think it’s important a man knows how to keep platonic female company, even at an acquaintance or work level.

SaBahRub · 2024-08-13T15:09:17+00:00

I have never met a straight 6 so 1

literaryhogwartian · 2024-08-13T13:41:50+00:00

1 without a doubt

HappyCat79 · 2024-08-13T16:54:26+00:00

No female friends concerns me. It shows that he doesn’t value women as individual human beings and only views us as sexual objects.

My boyfriend has mostly female friends and he is the kindest and most respectful man I have ever met.

Makuta_Servaela · 2024-08-13T18:14:31+00:00

Only 1 and 6 might be of note, but even then, it depends on why. There are valid reasons to have no friends of an entire sex, and there are also reasons that might be concerning.

uglysaladisugly · 2024-08-13T14:28:13+00:00

1, for sure.

EqualSea2001 · 2024-08-13T13:38:02+00:00

I guess 1 and 6 if I must choose, but none of these are dealbreakers for me.

LiftSushiDallas · 2024-08-13T14:31:33+00:00

None of these are concerning.

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2024-08-13T15:58:46+00:00

3-6

not "concerning" but he better be prepared to not be friends with them anymore

Werevulvi · 2024-08-13T16:13:22+00:00

I don't think either of them are necessarily concerning. Because if you make friends without trying to have any specific male-female ratio, there's gonna be times when they are only or mostly men, and times when they are only or mostly women. That's how my life has been. As a kid I only had 1 friend who just so happened to be female, as a teen and well into adulthood I ended up with a lot of friends, most of whom were male, including a whole group of gamer guys I hung out with in high school. Then into my 30's I've been having only a handful of friends, most of whom female, only 1 or 2 males.

Currently I only have 2 or 3 friends, and they all just so happen to be female. So if someone judged my current friend group, they might think I'm somehow against being friends with men. But in actual reality, this happened because I don't care what gender ratio my friend group has. I just hang out with whoever I like as a person.

The same goes for men's friend groups, and anyone's. Just because a guy has only male friends, or only female friends, or an even mix, shouldn't matter. Question is: does he have good, kind, trustworthy and supportive friends? And are his friends fun or boring? Are they judgemental or easy-going?

What matters shouldn't be the ratio, but what his opinions/feelings are on having male vs female friends, and if/how much he cares about the gender of his friends. A guy being against having female friends, or only wanting female friends, would be concerning. But as long as he's chill with any gender friends, or doesn't put much thought into it, I don't give a shit what gender(s) his friends are in practice.

In regards to men with female friends having had some sorta dating history with them... well, most men I've dated have been bisexual and have had more dating history with their male friends, so I've never thought of a guy's female friends being a threat.

Whoreasaurus_Rex · 2024-08-13T17:10:48+00:00

Would be a red flag for sure. A guy who doesn't have any male friends would be sus to me.

DJ_Dialga · 2024-08-13T18:28:14+00:00

None of these are really a problem for me since I got used to mixed friend group settings for stuff like school, work and hobbies. However I think 6 would be a bit of a yellow flag. I’d want to know why that is. 1 would be next unless he’s super religious or traditional. The rest are ok as long as his reason for being friends with them isn’t that he hooks up with them sometimes. If I’m going to be in a relationship with someone I’d definitely want him to cut off contact with anyone who’s exclusively in touch with him for sex or relationship reasons.

apresonly · 2024-08-13T21:51:16+00:00

Planthoe30 · 2024-08-14T05:18:36+00:00

Having none would be a red flag to me. When men don’t entertain female friendships I assume they don’t value women as people.

Having only female friends is kinda a red flag also but it’s more acceptable than having none.

My husband has a lot of female friends but he only sees them once every couple years. I did feel intimidated by one of them because she seems to have unresolved feelings for him even though he rejected her I have requested she not be invited to things, including my wedding and my husband has honored that request. I have also expressed my discomfort of that particular friendship to my husband and he doesn’t see her anymore.

Sillysheila · 2024-08-14T05:24:50+00:00

1 and 6 are the most concerning to me.

They’re the polar opposite of each other, but if he doesn’t have a female friend or doesn’t like them then he might not like women.

If he has no male friends, he might not like men.

I would rather someone that isn’t a misogynist or a misandrist. It’s really difficult and not practical to go through life with someone who avoids one gender or is suspicious of them.

My ideal would be someone who is 2-4.

Old_Luck285 · 2024-08-14T10:19:38+00:00

"No female friends" ist worst. Might have innocent reasons (just didn't happen, no shared interests) but might also point to a bigger issue (negative view of women).

"No male friends" is second worst. Again, might be harmless but might also be a sign of bigger problems.

Rest doesn't matter.

bluepvtstorm · 2024-08-15T09:00:13+00:00

The most concerning is the lack of male friends. Men who don’t have other men as friends are a big red flag. Men who cannot function in a social circle of other people like him mean that he has been deemed off in some way and men are better judges of character of other men than women can be.

If a man doesn’t have other male friends and I don’t mean casual acquaintances, I mean actual friends, I would not date them.

mlo9109 · 2024-08-13T13:43:28+00:00

Most concerning - 6.

Most acceptable - 1.

Unpopular opinion, but men and women are different. Having same-gender friends is normal and healthy. We can relate to those of our gender better than those that are not. Having opposite gender friends can open the door to shenanigans. I'd prefer if my partner not have female friends. I don't have male friends.

sweetestpineapple · 2024-08-13T13:55:08+00:00

4-6 are the most concerning. Having a few female friends that I know about, have met, and don’t cross any boundaries is normal and a sign of a healthy social life. But the line has to be drawn somewhere.

RelativeYak7 · 2024-08-13T14:20:57+00:00

No female friends is most acceptable because the majority of men I've ever dated don't have friends at all so I consider it a masculine trait. Anything more than 1 or 2 female friends is concerning but that is a reflection of my own insecurities.

Dishonouronmycow2 · 2024-08-13T14:29:48+00:00

I’d say 6 is a little concerning, just because I would wonder why he had zero guy friends, but other than that none of them are really an issue

p_fulga · 2024-08-13T14:51:27+00:00

Definitely number one. People who have zero women as friends typically have a reason for that. Could be completely innocent, but a lot of the time it isn't. It usually in my experience ends up being a good warning sign that they do something unsavoury with any connection they make with women.

SeveralSadEvenings · 2024-08-13T14:49:25+00:00

1 is a giant red flag and automatic disqualifier. Dudes who don't have any female friends almost always have weird/cringey ideas about women, or come from gender segregated cultures and all the baggage than entails (nonsense sky dad religions, goatfuck cultural beliefs, etc).

6 would give me pause, because I think hetero dudes need at least one masculine friend. Easier to accomplish with another dude, but if the masc. energy is fulfilled by a particularly butch lesbian/NB person, then I think the requirement is generally satisfied.

2-5 are acceptable, and I wouldn't think much about it.

Critical_Corner_1859 · 2024-08-13T14:55:06+00:00

No female friends is un acceptable.

Has a lot of female friends is the best.

attendquoi · 2024-08-13T14:02:10+00:00

1 and 6 are equally concerning, the rest are acceptable.

GoldSailfin · 2024-08-13T14:24:14+00:00

Depends what age group. At age 61, no female friends? Who cares. But in high school or college? Red flag.

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Title	Q4W: Which of the following is most concerning in a potential partner, and why? Which do you find most acceptable?
Author	Coloursoft
Upvotes	12
Comments	124
Date	August 13, 2024 7:53 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1er2422/q4w_which_of_the_following_is_most_concerning_in/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4w-which-of-the-following-is-most-concerning-in-a.1527169 https://theredarchive.com/post/1527169

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